Chapter 17 - Xavier

Xavier

T he drive to Dr. Frances’ office should only take about fifteen minutes but in reality this would be the longest drive of my life. I knew what I’d be walking into and part of me dreaded it. Rehashing what happened with Victoria didn’t rank too high on my list of things to do today. Especially after this morning’s less than stellar training session. All the drinking and poor eating these last couple weeks caught up with me.

Clean slate now. Gotta get back to my routine this week and actually stick to it.

Traffic moved with too much ease for my liking. I arrived at my appointment on time. Squeezing the steering wheel to within an inch of its non-existent life did nothing to calm me. My mood soured even more the second I saw the good doctor sitting in his chair, scribbling something in his notebook.

“Ah, Xavier. Glad to see you.”

I stood by the door, toying with the idea of walking out. Stripping off my armor and letting the pain run free didn’t appeal to me.

“Have a seat.” He pointed to the cream-colored couch. It taunted me with its broken promise of comfort. Groaning internally, I took my spot on the cushion and stared at the wall with the oil painting.

The worst thing about being here right now was the quiet. It gave my thoughts permission to relive the moment I walked out of Victoria’s house. I could still hear the door slam shut behind me. Even worse, I could hear her crying.

“The longer you sit there in silence, the more I’m going to write.”

My fingers dug into the arm of the couch at the sound of his voice.

“It was a long week, okay? Is that what you want to hear?”

Dr. Frances sighed, shifting in his chair. “I want to hear whatever it is you want to tell me. Avoidance gets you nowhere fast. Did you at least do the homework I asked you to do?”

A bitter laughed escaped my lips before I could suppress it. “You don’t know the half of it.”

“I’m all ears,” he responded, leaning back in the chair. “What happened?”

“I did the whole really feel it thing and it bit me in the ass.”

All I got for a response was a raised eyebrow. No writing, no nodding, none of that. Just a stupid raised eyebrow.

“What was it you felt?” he finally asked.

“Like shit.” I snapped.

“What else?”

Covering my face, I leaned my head back, trying to erase the image of Victoria’s distressed expression when she told me to go.

“Inadequate,” I said without thinking.

“What triggered that feeling?”

“My general existence,” I muttered.

“Walk me through what happened.”

I watched him make a few notes before giving his undivided attention to me. The disquiet that’s haunted me for days kicked into high gear.

“Bad week at training.”

The eyebrow went up again. This guy wouldn’t let me slide by any questions, no matter how hard I tried.

“If there’s one thing about the last week you could change or do differently, what would it be?”

“I’d get more sleep.”

“Do you suffer from insomnia often?”

“Didn’t say I had insomnia, doc. Just that I’d get more sleep.” I clenched my jaw, eyeing him as he folded his hands and waited for me to continue.

“What did someone need from you that you were unable to give?”

His question floored me, sending a searing pain through my chest. I crammed the surge of emotion back down where it belonged. Exhaling slowly, I chose my words with care.

“I let myself get too close to someone too fast.”

“A female someone?”

“Yeah.”

“I’m assuming the physical intimacy isn’t the issue.”

I smirked. “No. Not at all.”

“What did she need from you?”

The familiar swelling of my own short-comings filled me. “I don’t know.”

“Do you want her to need you?”

“I think so.”

“What happened?”

“She’s going through something quite emotional with her family. I… when I met her I didn’t know any of that so we just…there was a lot of sex.”

Dr. Frances nodded and wrote down a few more notes.

“But,” I paused, “I started to think maybe…” I stopped. There’s no way this guy was going to hear everything. “It was just a casual fling. ”

“Did any of your sexual encounters involve activities you’ve said you wanted to avoid?”

My jaw tightened. “Somewhat.”

“Was she open to it?”

I shoved a hand in my hair, pulling at it. All I could see was Victoria between my legs on her knees, looking up at me, worshiping my cock. All I could hear were her soft moans and demands for more out on the patio. All I could feel was her.

“Yes.”

“How long have you known her?”

“Not long. She was only here for a few days visiting from the States.”

Dr. Frances nodded, making more notes.

“Some physical relationships can be very intense,” he said, tapping his pen on the pad.

“Intense is an understatement,” I admitted.

“When was the last time you spoke to her?”

“Yesterday.”

“And was that the first contact you’ve had with her since she left?”

I nodded. “I was with her a week ago. She left last Wednesday. I sort of—“ I remembered how I’d phrased it to her “—ignored life for a few days after that.”

“You shut down.”

“Yeah.”

“Is shutting down something you do often?” he asked, making more notes.

“No. Generally, when something doesn’t go my way, I just move on to the next without looking back.”

“But you couldn’t do that this time.”

He said it more as a statement of fact than a question. Maybe I wasn’t as hard to read as I’d led myself to believe.

“It’s not that I couldn’t. I didn’t want to. It didn’t feel right.”

Dr Frances leaned forward in his chair, regarding me with caution. “ I’d like you to remain aware of how this continues to play out.”

“How do you mean?”

He cleared his throat. “You have a bit of unresolved trauma. What happened to you as a teenager and the fallout from your previous relationship are still somewhat unsettled inside you. You have a pretty good handle on it but this new relationship will challenge all of that unless you get in front of it.”

I sat with his words while he walked over to his desk. Relationship? Hate to break it you, doc, we both used each other for our own fucked up reasons. That’s not a relationship.

“Are you willing to explore something more than just a casual fling with this new woman?” he asked, sitting down.

I stared at him, unable to speak. He made another note on his pad.

“So now what?” I sighed.

“That’s for you to decide.”

“Hey,” Bennet knocked on the changing room wall. “Heading out soon?”

“In a bit. I have a couple things I need to tie up first.”

“Everything go alright with Dr. Frances?”

“Yeah.” I shoved my gloves, kit, and boots into my gym bag.

Bennet crossed his arms. “Ready to get back in goal this weekend?”

“More than you know.” I studied him, wondering why he’d dropped the questioning about my session so quickly.

“At least you showered and shaved. I don’t know what that creature was at your flat yesterday.”

“Piss off. I haven’t forgotten the pillows either, Logan. The cuffing remains an option.”

“Promises.” He walked over and sat, looking serious. Then again, serious was his default expression lately. Compared to Cade and I, he’d always been the more buttoned-up one of our trio but this felt different. Last time I saw him this pensive and introspective was the summer we all lived at the estate. What a cracking time that had been. Until it all went to shit.

“You’re looking at me the same way Gallagher looks at you when he’s trying to figure you out.” Bennet smirked. “I’d hoped by now we all knew each other well enough.”

“One can never be too certain.”

“Ah. We’re back to cryptic. Must mean this cycle of gloom you’ve been in since Victoria left is coming to a close.”

I scowled. “There is no cycle of gloom.”

“Of course.” He patted my shoulder in the patronizing, older brother way he’s done for years. “Will you be gracing us with your presence later this evening?”

“Depends.”

Bennet’s eyebrow quirked. “On?”

My hand flexed and clenched. Wouldn’t be the first time I’d popped this pompous arse in the mouth. I loved him like a brother but we also fought like them. Always jostling for the alpha role. Always one-upping each other because we could.

“How desperate I am for your company,” I replied, my voice low and tight.

“Lovers quarrel?” a voice chastised from the doorway.

Bennet and I looked over. Unbelievable.

“What do you want Adam?” I bit out.

My step-brother reigned in whatever smart ass comeback he wanted to say. Acting like a complete tosser in front of the owner’s son wasn’t his style. He preferred ass-kissing. Me, on the other hand? I’d gladly risk another suspension if it meant wringing this twat’s neck.

“Adam,” Bennet smiled. “I see you’re in the starting eleven again for this weekend’s match. You’ve done well defending for us this season since Pope’s injury. ”

Christ, he’s smooth. I suppressed a laugh. Bennet could be masterful when the moment called for it. He knew as well as I did that Adam needed praise. He’s always been jealous of my natural ability to play the game. His skills, while decent, weren’t on the same scale as mine or Cade’s.

“Happy to do what I can to give RCA a better chance to win,” he beamed.

“Sure,” I said, standing up. “Just keep the ball away from my goal on Saturday.”

“Not a problem,” he smirked. “As long as you don’t throw any punches.”

“Ah,” Bennet clasped my shoulder to prevent me from lunging at Adam. “Xavier knows what he has to do. The season is getting tight and we have our eye on the top prize. No more room for error. Right?” He squeezed my shoulder for emphasis and looked me in the eye.

“Right,” I muttered, noticing the look of satisfaction on my step-brother’s face. “Was there something you needed, Adam?”

“Yeah. Mom wants to know if you’d like to come for dinner on Friday. A good luck gathering before your first match back or some shit like that.”

I smiled internally. He couldn’t stand that my step-mother treated me as her own son. At least someone in my fucking family did.

“You could have texted me.”

“You don’t answer my texts and I’d rather keep our communication limited to football.”

“Fine,” I sighed. “Tell her I’ll be there.”

Adam left without so much as a glance backward. I inhaled slow, mindlessly tracing my finger over my scar.

“You should join us tonight.” Bennet’s voice startled me. “It’ll help you relax.”

I stared at him. “I’m not interested.”

“Yeah. Sure,” he huffed. “You’ve never been one to turn down a single malt scotch. Have a glass and go sulk in a corner for all I care. Cade and I would really like for you to be there. Just like old times.”

“Old times, huh?”

Flattening one palm on the wall, Bennet leaned toward me, his hulking frame dominating my line of sight. “Would you go if Victoria was still here? Would you take her?”

Two can play this game. “Would you take Hannah?” I shot back.

His lip twitched. Bingo. How does it feel, you pretentious knob.

“Does Hannah know what kind of parties you host?”

“Not yet.” He smirked. “Does Victoria?”

“Sort of.”

“Well, tonight is just the three of us. No more parties for the foreseeable future.”

I lifted an eyebrow. “Really? What happened?”

Bennet straightened himself up, adjusting his suit jacket. “I’ll tell you later.” He walked toward the door, pausing just before opening it.

“Almost forgot,” he turned, looking at me with a pompous smile, “I’m flying to New York on Saturday after the match. Interested in tagging along?”

Twat .

“Why are you going?”

“Dad wants to buy one of the American soccer teams. The league over there is expanding and he thinks it’ll be fruitful if we have access to their talent and vice versa.”

“No shit. That’s why we’re playing there. Why not just wait? We’ll be in New York next Wednesday.”

“We will, won’t we?” His smile was so smug and arrogant I wanted to throw something at the wall. “You do know we’re playing the match at the Legends’ stadium, right?”

The muscles in my jaw twitched. “I’m aware.”

“Don’t tell me you wouldn’t jump on the first flight over there to patch things up with Victoria. ”

“I’d be on one now if I could.” The confession surprised us both, lightening the mood.

“Wow. You actually said it out loud. Impressive, Maddox. Or have you been cloned?”

“And now I know what to get you for your birthday. How many clones is too many?”

“Mate, I love you to bits but if I ever see more than one of you,” his mouth dropped open in mock terror, “I’d run for the hills.”

“Oh, I wasn’t talking about me.” An evil grin curled my lips.

“Cade?” he exclaimed. “Are you trying to give me more gray hairs? That’s it. I’m leaving. And I’d better see your sorry arse at my house tonight.”

Bennet stood at his trademark spot in front of the fireplace, staring into the flames, hands in his pockets, scotch on the mantle. Cade and I not-so-quietly referred to him as the lord of the manor when he’d stand there just to rile him up.

This library was a bigger version of the one we used as teenagers at the main house on his family’s estate. It had similar antique wood panel walls, dark hardwood floors, and Tiffany table lamps. But there were also secret rooms and private corners for some of our more adventurous parties.

Bennet appeared lost in thought. The smart ass in me jumped at the chance for a good ribbing. “Looks like the lord of the manor is too good to sit with us.”

He whipped his head around. An ostentatious smile pulled at his mouth.

“I should lock you behind the bookcase and throw out the key.”

“Then you’d have to put up with Gallagher on your own.”

He frowned. “Right. Not ideal. ”

“I’m right here you twit.” Cade swallowed the scotch from the bottle. “And you clearly know I’m more fun than Maddox.”

I laughed, leaning into the Chesterfield couch. Cade passed the bottle to me and I happily took a long swallow. So much for sticking to my routine.

“I have glasses,” Bennet glowered, watching us pass the bottle around.

“We know, your grace,” I replied. “Tastes better this way. Here.” I held it out.

“Troublemakers.” He grinned, taking it and sitting with us. “Thanks for coming tonight, Xavier. I know you’d rather be alone with your thoughts or whatever the fuck it is you’ve been doing.”

“And miss out on this warm reception? Bennet, you spoil me.”

He laughed. A hearty, deep, full-bodied laugh. Cade leaned across me to get the scotch back.

“Remember the first time we came to his estate?” he asked me.

“I do. You ran around the place like a puppy who just caught a scent. You touched everything in the room.”

Cade rolled his eyes. “Apologies for not being as refined and deluxe as you.”

“I didn’t grow up in Downton Abbey, Cade.” I poked Bennet in the arm. “He did.”

“I really can’t dispute that.” Bennet shrugged.

Cade and I laughed. We continued passing the bottle around until we were all well and truly buzzed.

“Have you thought more about New York?” Bennet asked me, walking to the cellarette for another bottle.

“Mate, you know I can’t go. I have training and several sponsorship meetings next week.”

“When did you become so responsible, Maddox?” Cade teased. “You’re turning down a guaranteed shag to beat the bishop?“

“Watch your mouth,” I snapped .

“Whoa.” Cade lifted his hands. “This girl really did you in, didn’t she?”

“Fuck off.” I leaned my head back and closed my eyes.

The room hushed for a few minutes. There’s only the sound of flames crackling and popping. Being here without a crowd of guests was actually nice. Quiet. Last time Bennet had one of his infamous parties, I’d found a corner to slink into and be alone. Sometimes I preferred that.

I’d rather have company now, though. Specific company. Company with an American accent, waves and waves of dark red hair, and the softest, silkiest mouth known to man.

The cushion next to me dipped. I opened my eyes to see Bennet sitting next to me with a wry smile.

“You’re going to want to see this,” he said.

“I’ve seen your cock already. Too many times.” My tone was dry and flippant. “Show Cade instead.”

“Arse,” Cade snickered.

“Not quite what I’d like to show you,” Bennet said in a tut-tutty way. “Look.”

He shoved his phone in my hands. A photo of Victoria and Hannah smiling together with a large group of people stared back at me. I sat up straight. According to the caption it was some league draft event. And who the fuck was Tre Gideon?

I scanned the photo. The guy standing next to Victoria had his arm around her. I recognized him. She’d been sitting in his lap in another photo. My body hummed with jealousy.

The dress she wore. Fuck. I wanted her here with me so badly it hurt. In my lap. With my arm around her.

Desire twisted tighter and tighter in my chest, squeezing around my heart in thorny vines.