Chapter 14 - Victoria

Victoria

I don’t even know what else Ray said to me. He hugged me again and went on his way. I let out a harsh exhale only to come face to face with Xavier and his palpable look of concern.

“Can we go?” I stood up before he could object.

I walked out into the cool April air and paced the sidewalk.

I can do this , I told myself. I’ll go to the house, give him the keys, and then we can go on with our day .

The second I turned around I saw Xavier advancing on me. “Are you alright?”

“I will be.”

“Do you want to wait before going to the house? We can do something else. Go down to London for a bit.”

I shook my head. “No. Let’s just get this over with now.”

The drive to the house was the longest ten minutes I’ve ever experienced. I couldn’t shake the trepidation and nerves. When we arrived, I went straight to the kitchen to grab the extra set of keys the realtor used.

“These are for you.” I handed them to Xavier. “Thank you for doing this.”

He half-smiled. “Does this mean I have free reign of the place?”

“Ray and Dawn also have a spare set, so if any funny business takes place here, they’ll know about it.”

“I’ll be on my best neighborly behavior.”

I rolled my eyes. “Just make sure no weirdos show up. And if you want to wander around all judgey about the furniture or paint color or whatever, be my guest.”

“That I can do.” He grinned. “You never did finish giving me a tour.”

“What could you possibly want to see?”

“Something I’ve been wondering about…” His voice trailed off as he left the kitchen.

I followed him back to the foyer and ran up the stairs after him. He passed Charlotte’s room and poked his head into mine.

“Little Victoria’s favorite color is yellow.” The lascivious grin on his face hit me like a ton of bricks. “What else can I learn in here?”

“Shit,” I muttered, chasing him.

Xavier caught me the second I ran in. He cupped my face, staring at me softly. His eyes are the perfect mix of sapphire and sky. Dark and light. They are, quite honestly, everything.

He bent to kiss me, taking my mouth gently, licking and kissing my lower lip.

“Does it hurt today?” he asked.

“Not really. It’s sore. But a good sore, if that makes sense.”

“It does. How about the rest of you? Feeling okay?”

“Sore.” I grinned. “The good kind.”

He tucked some of my hair behind my ear. “Good.”

I searched his flushed face and heavy-lidded eyes. There were so many things I should say but my words were halted by the stillness of this moment. The heavy quiet of being in this house, in this room, with him.

Another kiss. This one more possessive. I felt myself go slack. His arms banded around my waist, holding me tight. There was something more than just the literal weight of his body pressed to mine. Something heavier. His head dropped to my forehead when he broke our kiss.

“Tell me what you’re thinking.”

“I don’t know if I can,” I whispered.

“Try.”

So many jumbled thoughts filled my mind. All of them sparked memories of this cottage. My family. What I’d lost.

Xavier slid his fingers under my chin when I tried to look away, keeping my face angled toward his. Keeping me present. After everything we’ve done and shared these last few days this moment felt the most vulnerable.

Too vulnerable. Too many feelings. But standing here with him like him felt… safe .

“When I leave,” I paused when he brushed his thumb over my mouth, “I want my last memory of this house to be of you here with me.”

Some type of realization or acceptance or confirmation crossed his features. He bowed his head and swallowed before looking at me.

His lips moved over mine in a whisper of warmth and softness. He licked the seam of my lips slowly, almost asking permission to be let inside. It’s so different from any kiss we’ve shared. There’s no frantic lust. No overt possession.

This is how we’d kiss if we were actually together.

His fingers went into my hair, tugging so softly I almost couldn’t feel it. He simply savored me. This kiss just might be the one that does me in. The slow dance of his tongue. The firm pressure of his mouth. This was the most tender, passionate kiss of my life.

It’s everything I wanted. He’s everything I wanted. Everything I dreamed about.

Everything I didn’t deserve. I had to stop it. I was losing control.

I pulled away. “Xavier.”

“Victoria.”

“Okay good. We know each other’s names.” I wriggled out of his arms and paced the floor. “We need to—“

The shrill ringing of my cell phone interrupted me. Of course. Always a phone. I pulled it out of my pocket, looked at the screen and nearly threw it across the room.

Not now.

NOT NOW.

I silenced it, letting out a frustrated breath.

“Boyfriend?” Xavier lifted an eyebrow.

“Not quite,” I snapped.

He held up his hands in resignation. “Alright. No need to bite my head off.”

“Sorry,” I grumbled, pacing the floor again. The phone rang in my hand. I stopped, looked down at it and wanted to cry. I had to answer. If I didn’t, the ringing would never end.

“What?” I growled.

“Is that any way to greet your mother? You’re a grown woman. I swear, your manners are nonexistent.”

I held the phone so tight I thought I might crack the screen. “Sorry, Helena. Hello, how are you?”

Something caught my attention near the bed. I looked over as Xavier sat down, his eyes fixed on me.

Fan-fucking-tastic.

“I wish you wouldn’t call me that,” she muttered.

“It’s either that or we’re back to what.”

I heard utensils clattering on plates. She must be having breakfast. Oh wait. Helena does intermittent fasting. She’s probably having coffee. Her husband was the one who eats everything in sight. I rolled my eyes .

“You and Dan enjoying the view from your palace?” My tone dripped with sarcasm.

“We are,” she gushed, missing my venom and mistaking my question for actual interest. “It’s beautiful here. We’re going out on the boat later. You should really move somewhere better than Manhattan. Ugh. All that concrete and exhaust.”

I clenched my fist.

“Now that you mention it, there’s a house for sale in the English countryside. I’m standing in it right now. Empty, messy, broken, sad. Sound familiar?”

My pacing path crossed where Xavier was seated. I glanced at him. He looked stoic. His expression was unreadable. But those eyes remained glued to me, following every move I made. I turned and walked into the hallway. Having him watch me so closely added to my rising anxiety.

“That’s why I’m calling. Why are you being so stubborn about the damn house? I want it gone.”

“What about dad? What does he want?”

“Your father wants to enjoy his life in Ekali and spend long weekends in Mykonos. He doesn’t care what happens to it.”

Xavier’s shadowed figure appeared in the doorway while I continued to pace up and down the hallway. I shot him a deadly look, hoping he’d get the message. The last thing I needed was an audience.

“Then if he doesn’t care, why do you?”

“You know why, Victoria,” she spat. “That house is alive with memories. Get rid of it.”

I stopped pacing and started shaking. “Alive with…you haven’t set foot here in nineteen years,” I shouted. “What fucking memories live in you from this house? I’m the one standing in it right now. I’m the one cleaning up your mess. I’m—“

“You’re the one who caused all this.” Her voice blared through my phone. “You just had to go to that party. You just had to drag your sister. Your. Sister.” Glass shattered in the background. “She was just starting to feel better, Victoria. She was healing. But you’re so selfish. You only think about yourself.”

“I’m not selfish.” I sobbed openly now. “Charlotte was my—“

“Do not say her name in my presence.”

I ended the call. My hands shook uncontrollably. Tears spilled from my eyes. My whole body hurt. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move.

The phone rang again. I dropped it like it was on fire, walked away and crumbled to the floor, burying my head in my hands. This was so messed up. Nobody in my family healed properly from this. Nobody. We all ran from it in our own ways and then attacked one another when the pain reared its ugly head.

I thought I heard someone talking. I lifted my head. The silence was deafening. My phone wasn’t ringing anymore. Thank—

“Yes. I’ll be buying the house. My realtor will finalize everything this week.”

I looked up, horrified. What the actual fuck was Xavier doing? His whole demeanor was impenetrable as he stared at me. He almost appeared god-like in his determined stature. Tall, strong, fierce.

I scrambled to my feet, reaching for the phone. The determined look in his eyes halted me.

“You misunderstand me. It’ll be in Victoria’s name. It’s this or nothing. Actually I can do that.”

No, no, no.

“Xavier,” I hissed. “Give me the phone.”

He wiped the tears from my face, his gaze softening briefly. “My reasoning is none of your business. Take the offer or I’ll get in touch with her father to initiate the transfer into her trust.”

Everything went blurry. Too many versions of reality collided.

“I’m sure he’d be more willing to accommodate his daughter than you.”

I couldn’t listen anymore. I ran down to Charlotte’s room. Her room was always our meeting place late at night. The safe haven. We’d lay on her fluffy rug wrapped in soft blankets and talk for hours. Dream about the future. Imagine our lives and careers and maybe families of our own.

I laid on my back, covered my face and sighed. Exhaustion consumed every muscle in my body. I longed to be in my own bed, surrounded by the familiar sounds of New York.

“Mind if I join you?”

I was too drained to be snarky. “Sure. Pull up some rug and have a lie down.”

Xavier stretched out on his side next to me, placing his hand on my stomach. Keeping my emotions in check was impossible, so I curled into him for comfort. The tenderness he showed overwhelmed me. Pulling me close, he held me tight. I snuggled into his chest, listening to the steady beat of his heart.

“I’m not going to ask you,” he said. “I just want you to know, you can tell me when you’re ready.”

I squeezed him, holding back a sob. I wanted to tell him. I wanted to unburden myself from this guilt. Unloading all of that on him wouldn’t be fair. I closed my eyes, nuzzling into his neck. He responded by combing his fingers through my hair.

“Why are you doing this?” I asked against his skin.

“I can’t explain it.”

“Try?”

He kissed the top of my head, letting his lips linger. “Grief isn’t easy. Everyone responds differently and I suspect your family is still dealing with…I don’t know what happened but it’s obvious nobody has fully dealt with it.”

I propped myself up on my elbow. “What happened to your mom?” I regretted the question the second I asked it.

Much to my surprise, he answered, “Complications from child birth. I was only about six hours old when she died.” He touched my cheek. “What happened to your sister?”

I pushed myself up, sitting cross-legged in front of him. He mimicked my movements, sitting the same way. I wanted to share and be open and let myself heal.

The fact that we’re sitting here in my sister’s room talking about this didn’t escape me. Neither did the affectionate glow in his eyes when I looked up at him. My God, he was so handsome.

Staring at him made me want to kiss him. Kissing him led to more. More provided me with the escape I so desperately craved.

I can’t keep taking from him like that.

“The anniversary of her death is this month. She…she, um, took her own life. Swallowed too many pills and…” I stopped, not willing to say more. “That’s why I’ve been such a lunatic about this house. I haven’t been here since the final summer we were all together. She died the following spring.”

He was quiet for a while, holding my hand and studying my expression. The heaviness in this house became suffocating.

“I’m so sorry, Victoria,” he said softly. “I don’t know…I wish I knew what to say.”

I half-smiled. “You don’t have to say anything. Listening is enough.” I laced my fingers through his. “Sorry about the whole being a lunatic thing.”

“A cute lunatic.” The gentle way he said it coupled with that damn crooked grin lifted my spirits.

“God,” I laughed.

“Not quite. Close though.” He stood up, helping me do the same. “Ready to head out?”

“Uh, no. I have questions.”

“I’m sure you do.”

“Sit.” I pointed to the bed. “Please.”

I gathered my thoughts while he did as I asked. Everything that’s happened since I stepped foot off the plane has been confusing to say the least. I’m not normally one for carefully laid out plans but this trip was the one exception. This was the one thing that had to follow the outline. There was no room for detours.

And yet, all I’ve encountered were detours.

“What happened with my mother?”

He lifted an eyebrow. “We had a chat. Lovely woman.”

“Lies.” I started pacing.

“Do you always do this,” he gestured his hand in a figure eight to illustrate my path around the room, “when you’re stressed?”

“Yep.” I stopped, putting my hands on my hips. “You’re deflecting, Maddox.”

“Possibly.”

“So what happened? Why did you tell her you were buying the house?”

He regarded me thoughtfully, taking his time before answering, “It’s the easiest way to give everyone what they want.”

“What we…“ I sputtered. “You have no idea what I want. What any of us wants.”

“I know what I want.”

“What does this have to do with you?” I snapped.

He winced at the nastiness in my tone, clasping his hands together. Unease and vulnerability seeped from him. Even though I didn’t know him well, I knew enough to recognize this was an emotion he’d rather not have me witness.

“You want to hold onto,” he spread his arms out, “this. As much as it hurts you, that’s what you want. Your mother wants it all to disappear. I want…” He swallowed. “I want there to be a reason for you to come back here. To come back to me.”

What the hell was happening? He looked so uncomfortable in his own skin I almost went over to comfort him. Almost. He wanted me to come back? I didn’t need this house for that. He was reason enough.

My heart fluttered .

He was more than reason enough. He was the reason. He saw me. He calmed me. He reached parts of me I believed were inaccessible. He was…

My mind raced, spiraling into its own sinister thoughts.

He’ll drop you the minute he finds out how worthless you really are. How broken you are. How messed up. How you get by every day hanging on by a string. Nobody wants to know the real you. They only want the version you show them.

Breathing became difficult.

My chest hurt. My lungs hurt. My heart hurt.

I’d worked myself into a panic. Pacing the room wasn’t enough.

A screw tightened somewhere deep in my chest. It ground into me tighter and tighter and….why is this silence so goddam loud?

Out.

OUT.

I needed to get out.

I needed to leave.

I needed to get as far away from here as possible.

“I have to pack. Can we go?” My voice cracked.

Our eyes locked and all the feelings that came along with it surged through me. When he stood up to approach me I backed away.

If he touched me, I’d lose it. If he kissed me, I’d surrender.

I wanted it more than anything.

I can’t have it.

This was a mistake.

All of it was a mistake.

We left in silence. Thankfully, the drive to my rental was quick. I hopped out of the car before he put it in park and ran to the door. His footsteps weren’t far behind.

“Victoria.”

The sound of his voice tightened the screw.

I opened the door to seek refuge but he was right behind me .

“Listen to me. Please.” He reached for my hand, placing it to his chest. Just like last night in bed when he was groggy with sleep. When he told me I belonged here with him. Words he most likely didn’t remember.

“I realize we don’t know one another well. But what I do know about you,” he hesitated, licking his lips, “I like very much.”

“What could you possibly like about me?”

He was an exposed nerve, standing with my hand pressed tight to his chest. “Where to start. You’re smart, bloody hilarious, honest. You go after what you want without apology.” He held my hand tighter. “You keep it locked up, but you have a big heart. Big enough to let some arse like me in, even just a little. You have more to give than you realize.”

Tears flowed from my eyes. “Give? All I’ve done is take from you.”

He leaned his forehead to mine with a sigh. “I know, love. I’ve taken just as much from you.”

Jesus Christ. We’re so alike. And it scared me. It scared me how easy it was for him to see I took from him without regret, without any second thoughts. It terrified me that it didn’t send him running.

“I don’t want you to be alone tonight,” he whispered.

“We can’t…I can’t have sex with you again.”

“That’s not what I’m asking.”

Lines are blurring.

“Don’t do that,” I stammered.

“Don’t do what?”

“Don’t give me hope I deserve more.”

He held my face in his hands in the gentle way he’d done earlier. The way that made me feel cared for, wanted, adored. The way I’d always dreamed it could be.

When I looked into his eyes, I shivered. So much raw emotion filled them.

“You do, Victoria. Let me give you more, please. ”

Lines are being crossed.

I could fall for him. I could fall so hard I’d never recover.

The screw tightened and tightened and tightened.

It’s too much, too fast. I feel too much. I said too much.

I pulled away from him so forcefully we both gasped.

“I can’t. We can’t.”

“We can try.”

“No.”

He exhaled in frustration. “Victoria.”

Snap.

“Enough,” I shouted. “You were supposed to be a one night stand. That’s all. I fucked you to distract myself from having to deal with…with…” I threw my arms up “…all of this. We aren’t anything. You’re a casual fling. Nothing more. You have to go. Now. Please, Xavier.”

Confusion and hurt flashed across his features. He stared at me, almost disoriented. Then, as though waking from a nightmare, his protective outer shell began to rebuild itself. His eyes dulled, his facial expression hardened.

“Okay,” he responded, his tone flat and dismissive.

Any traces of the impassioned weekend we’d spent together disappeared the moment he walked out the front door without so much as a backwards glance. It slammed shut, filling the empty hallway with a hollow crack . I’d gotten what I wanted.

And it destroyed me.