Chapter 39

Quentin

Her eyebrows shoot up toward her hair line." What do you mean?"

"It was the money in your account that made you agree to my proposition, wasn't it? You couldn't walk away from it, so you decided to marry me?"

Her features pale. Hurt filters into her eyes, and I curse myself. Since I woke up, I have been trying to figure out how best to start distancing myself. The nightmare still echoes in my head, reminding me that I"m going to lose her. But I didn"t mean for it to come out such a callous manner. Especially not after last night, when I made love to her. And it was making love. It wasn't fucking. Not when it meant something to both of us. Not when I worshipped her body with mine and revealed the depth of my feelings for her without words.

Which is why I need to change the tone of our relationship.

I'll let her get this close, but no further. I'm in love with her, but she can never know that. I"m bound to hurt her, the way I've hurt those closest to me. It's a matter of time before I hurt her and she leaves, and I don"t know how I"ll survive it, but it"s not about me. It's best I begin to push her away now, before she becomes too attached. It's best I put distance between us, so she"ll break up with me and move on to something… Someone better.

This is best for her; this is me being considerate. If she thinks I don't have feelings for her, she'll be happy to walk away from me, right? And she'll still have the money. Her future will be set. So she won't miss me at all.

My heart stutters in my chest. My stomach ties itself in knots. I taste bile on my tongue, and swallow down the bitter taste, then square my shoulders.

"It was the money, admit it. There"s no shame in that. It was transactional. You saw the money, and it gave you permission to go through with the rest of the arrangement. You could have walked away then, and I wouldn't have stopped you."

Her gaze widens. "What are you trying to say?"

"That you married me for the money, and because you were curious to find out if the sex would be as hot as I promised. You wanted to explore your submissive side. And then, there's the fact that you were a virgin." I arch an eyebrow. "You realized this was your chance to let an older, more experienced man break your ‘hymen"?" I allude to the trivia she spouted earlier. I know it's going to piss her off further, and I'm right.

Her cheeks redden, and her features grow pinched. There's confusion in her eyes though. "Why are you being so hurtful to me? You were so sweet to me. So tender, and now, suddenly, you're this asshole again? What's happening, Q?"

I love it when she calls me that. A warm feeling coalesces in my chest. I ignore it. You have to push her away, remember? This is what"s best for her.

It's going to mean Arthur doesn"t confirm you as CEO of the company. It means you won't get access to your inheritance.

Well, fuck that.I made do with very little as a Marine. I can do the same for the rest of my life. Which is, anyway, going to be bleak without her. So, what need do I have for money if I can't spend it on her?

"Q?" She searches my features. "What's going through your mind? Talk to me. I know there's more to you than this don't-give-a-fuck exterior you like to project."

I stay silent, not wanting to give away my thoughts. Not wanting her to see how much it hurts me to withdraw from her. And at the same time, not wanting to destroy this relationship we've forged since I fucked her.

Perhaps I could wait a few more days?

Perhaps I can be with her a little longer?

And let her fall for you further?That would make it even more difficult for her to leave. That would break her heart even more.

You're doing her a favor by closing off your emotions from her.

My face must reveal some of my thoughts, for she firms her lips. "Guess you"re more of a bastard than I thought you were." She drains the rest of the cappuccino, then slides off the stool. "Thanks for the coffee."

She turns to leave, and my vision tunnels.

I can't let her go. I can't allow her to walk away from me; not yet. Not when I still need her.

Perhaps I could stay married to her, but I could hold her at arm's length?

Yes, that's what I'll do. I won"t let myself get any closer to her to minimize the possibility of hurting her further. But I can keep her in my life a little longer, right?

Either way, I can't let her leave. Not yet.

"Where do you think you're going?" I bark.

"Why the hell should I stay when you've decided to turn into your glowering, mean, old self anyway? I'm going back to my room; I need a shower?—"

"No, you don't."

She scoffs. "Don't tell me what to do."

The defiance in her voice fires my blood. My thigh muscles tighten. My fingers tingle. When she refuses to obey me, it fucking turns me on. I can barely restrain myself from throwing her on the floor and rutting into her.

She heads toward the doorway, when I growl, "Raven, come back and sit your arse down."

Her steps slow.

"Now," I lower my voice to a hush.

She shudders, then comes to a stop, before whirling around and pointing a finger at me. "It's not fair. You use that voice, knowing I can't say no."

"You can say no." I remind her.

"And pay the consequences?" She rubs at her backside, a gesture which turns my cock to granite. Fuck.

"Sit." I point to the stool she vacated.

She scowls at me. "Apologize for your earlier remarks. Say you're sorry for saying those horrible things to me. Say you didn't mean them."

I turn the words over in my head. I don't want to lie to her. But I'm not ready to let her go. God help me, but I want to spend a little more time with her. Guess I'm conforming to my role of being a selfish bastard. I'm going to hell for allowing her to get closer to me, for developing deeper feelings for me, but I'm helpless.

Once more, can I hold her in my arms and kiss her lips and feel her heart beat in sync with mine? Once more, can I bring her to orgasm before I tell her the inevitable?

I let my features soften. "I'm sorry I hurt you baby, truly. It devastated me to say those words. It made me sick to my stomach to realize I was causing you pain." That much is true.

"So why did you do it? Why did you act like such a dick?" she cries.

Because it's the only way I can protect you. Because as much as I want to be with you, I can't. You're the woman for me, but I'm not right for you.

"Q?" She prompts. "What's on your mind? Why don't you tell me what you're worried about? Isn't that what being married is about? Aren't you supposed to share your concerns with me?"

"My only concern right now is to feed you," I manage to say without revealing how much it hurts me to maintain a level of detachment between us.

She throws up her hands. "Why are you hiding your true feelings again? You're such a macho guy, it drives me crazy when you don't have the courage to speak your mind."

My wife is right, of course. I"m a coward. Shouldn't I be able to bare myself to her? She's my soulmate, so why can't I reveal my vulnerabilities to her? Why am I so scared of her reaction to my fears? And they are fears. But they're informed by the events of my past. They're informed by how I've hurt everyone close to me. How I'm hurting her even now.

And by sharing more with her, she'll only get closer, and then when she leaves me it'll hurt her even more. No, it's best to keep her at arm"s length... to the extent I can.

She purses her lips and looks at me closely. "Promise you won't become so cold again? Promise you'll tell me what's worrying you? Whatever it is, we can work through it together."

I want to, so much. I want to tell her what she wants to hear, but I cannot lie to her.

Instead, I allow myself a small smile and hold out my hand.

She looks at my hand, then back at my face; hesitates.

"Please, baby, can you let this one go, for now? Please, let's not spoil our time together here."

Her features grow mutinous. Her eyes spark at me. Of course she's not buying that. Her feistiness is one of the things I love about her.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, how could I have fallen for her so quickly? Knowing what's in store for us. Knowing she's going to leave me.

I lower my hand to my side and curl it into a fist. How could I let this happen?

She must see the play of emotions across my features, for the fight goes out of her. "Oh, Q." She closes the distance to me, and when I open my arms and widen the space between my legs, she steps into the gap and hugs me tightly.

I pull her closer into the ‘V' between my thighs, then wrap my arms about her and tuck her against my chest. She melts into me and sighs. "Your hugs are almost as drugging as your fucking."

"Thank you, baby. Thank you for letting this one be, for now."

She shakes her head. "You're so annoying, Q. And so, so sexy, it makes my head spin just to look at you."

That makes two of us.

"You make me feel things I haven't before. You confuse me so much half the time, I don't know if I should slap you or kiss you."

"You can do both." I run my fingers down her hair.

"No doubt, so you can punish me for being bratty?"

"And you'll love every minute of it."

"You know me so well," she huffs out a laugh.

And you me. And that is the crux of the issue.

"This doesn't mean I've forgiven you for behaving like a total ass."

"I haven't earned that yet, but I will." I lean back and kiss the top of her head. "I still need to feed you."

I set her to the side, avoiding the questions still in her eyes, coward that I am.