36. Thirty-Six

Reliving that day, telling him about that day— broke me.

I didn’t even notice that a torrent of tears streamed down my cheeks as he listened to me purge every detail, every moment of Lucios’ death. I got up and dry-heaved a few times. All the while, he didn’t move or say a single word. At certain points in my story, I thought he”d interject, telling me how horrible I was. It never came.

There wasn”t a single point that he interrupted to leave or accuse me of being the monster I was.

Everything about my relationship with Lucios was the precipice of who I became. Losing him, that friendship and his dependency twisted me into what I am today. A person who didn”t care, couldn”t care and loathed everything about himself. Gods, I fucking hated who I was. My vanity, ego, and sexual prowess were all lies.

I was an actor living in the skin of a character I”d created so that I didn”t have to look at my reflection and see the evidence of what I”d done. It was what I deserved, honestly. I deserved everything Aryn had placed on me. Telling Vastian about the worst day of my life only solidified my belief that I could not ever be that person again, no matter how much I wanted to be.

When I got to the point in the story where I staggered back to Lucios’ house, I stopped talking. Snot dribbled onto my upper lip, and I wiped my face furiously.

“And you didn’t believe me when I said nothing was left,” I whined.

“What did you do afterward? When you got back to his home?” he asked gently.

Sucking in the air that refused to cooperate, I balled my hands.

That was the worst part as if it were even possible. Leaving my first love”s corpse to tell his mother, the woman who meant more to me than my own, that he was dead was the final shot to my heart.

“His mom, Miss Aeltri, was home then. I tried to tell her what happened, how I tried to save him. But… but… fuck!” I jumped up again, pacing and tugging at my hair.

Vastian was up with speed, wrapping his arms around me. “Breathe, I am here.”

All that pain flooded to the surface. The mistakes, the carelessness, the fact I couldn”t remember a simple instruction, and it cost Lucios his fucking life.

“He would have healed! Okay? All he needed was a fucking poultice, and he would have been fine! That vial was poison. Poison!” My chest heaved as the world seemed to fade around me. Those chimera eyes begging me to fix it still burned into my mind like fresh brands even all these years later. ”I killed him. Not the plant, not the welts and black ooze. Me!” I tore myself out of his arms, slapping at his outstretched fingers, and shook like the very earth was falling out from under me.

“Atreyis,” he said. But it wasn’t the word. It was the tone. For a split moment, I didn’t believe my ears. It was concern.

Unable to stop, I continued, “Aryn went insane. Beat me, drug me by my hair to his corpse, and made me carry him back to their house. By the time we got back, Miss Aeltri couldn’t stand. She couldn’t talk, just endless screaming. Two nights later, she hung herself, and Aryn came for me. And now? Now I am this.” I gestured to myself.

“This,” he pointed at me, “is not your fault.”

I screamed, grabbing the desk beside me and throwing it across the room. The shatter of wood and splintered shards falling to the floor didn’t startle him. It didn’t stop him from placing my hands on his chest.

“You were a child. You were afraid, Atreyis. Absolutely nothing is your fault in that regard. It was a tragedy. A horrible accident, and no matter what that demon told you and did to you, I know without a doubt that you meant that boy no harm. That you loved him. Hear me, Atreyis, right now. Listen to my words. I want you. I will always want you. You are the hand I reach for when I’m in the chasm. You are the guiding star in the void. And by all the gods, I will fucking kill this demon for doing this to you.”

Most people would have thrown themselves into him, grabbed his face, and rammed their tongue down his throat.

Not me.

I choked on my saliva and went into a coughing fit. I sucked in the air right as I swallowed. Just like I ruined everything else, I destroyed the most romantic moment of my life.

He patted my back and moved to stand behind me. When I managed to stop gagging, I closed my eyes as my cheeks burned.

“Sorry about… that.” I shook my head.

“If you’re quite finished, I want you to look at me.” Swiveling in his arms, I gulped before cracking an eye open. “Both of them.” He frowned.

“Fine,” I sighed and opened them fully.

“You are mine. I want all of this. Every night. Every year.”

Fuck. I’d never had anyone fight this hard for me. He heard what I did, right? “Why? I’m fucked up, Vastian.”

“So am I.” He grinned. The motion was wide, beautiful, and bright.

I snorted. “Doubtful, cherub, doubtful.”

He tightened his arm around me, flattening me entirely into him. “Will you reject me?” He arched a brow.

“That would be rude,” I whispered against his lips. ”You didn”t reject me.”