Chapter Twenty-Three

Theo

I'm pretty sure my family is just as in love with Perry as I am—and keeping it real, I'm still a little stressed out that I am in love with him. But he's literally been petting and snuggling Cooper, played a board game with Sara, and let Katie paint his nails. I didn't know nail-painting is something he does or that I would think it looks hot on his masculine hands, but I totally do.

He also made cookies with Mom and barbecued with Dad. It's like he's seamlessly falling into place as a member of my family, and all I can do is look at him in awe.

Speaking of incredible, he looks over at me from where he's sitting at the table, talking to my dad, and gives me a smile that if I wasn't already sitting down, totally would have taken my legs out from under me. How is he mine?

"Should we go outside and start a fire and make s'mores?" Mom asks.

"Um…is that really a question? I'll always say yes to s'mores." I stand, reach out my hand, which she takes, and pull Mom to her feet.

"He likes s'mores," she tells Perry.

"And Sour Patch Kids," he says.

"He tries to pretend it's just me, but they're his favorites too." I nudge his arm with mine, and he grins but takes a step away. My body feels cold without it. I miss Perry's touches. Those are my favorites.

We head outside. It's already dark, but Mom turns the outdoor lights on.

"Me and Dad did all the work in the back ourselves," I tell Perry proudly.

"It took years to be able to afford it," Mom adds. "We'd do one thing at a time, but now it's the perfect place for us to have outdoor family gatherings." It's not a lot—more rock, the homemade firepit, outdoor chairs, and walkways made with pavers to a fountain on one side and another little seating area on the other.

"That's awesome. My mom and I used to take on projects together all the time." Perry sits down. "I swear there's nothing she can't fix or do."

"You sound like you're very close." Mom gives him that knowing look of support that only a mother can give.

"We are. She's my best friend…well, she and Theo."

"Aw, you guys are so cute!" Katie gives us a thumbs-up. Are friends supposed to be cute…?

Perry clears his throat. "My brother, Ty, too. Even though we didn't grow up together, we're close. I know he's always got my back, and I have his."

"Family is the most important thing in the world," Dad adds. "I don't know what I would do without Carrie and the kids."

"We try so hard to give them the things Tom and I never had. Theo will be the first in either of our families to graduate from college." Mom's chest puffs out with pride. "It'll be perfect because he has one year left, and then it will be Katie's turn. She started school late."

Because helping both of us at the same time will be harder on them, which means if I take less classes, then I'm going to fuck up their plan.

Perry's arm suddenly rests along the back of my chair, and just feeling it, feeling him closer helps ease the stress knotting up my insides.

"What do you do again?" Perry asks Dad, seamlessly changing the subject.

Dad gets the fire going while he talks, and Mom passes out s'mores supplies.

As we all continue to laugh and talk, my mind drifts to school. I'm thinking about that quiz I probably failed and how stupid I feel when I fuck things up. My mind starts spinning about money and Katie going to school—Katie who is a whole lot smarter than me. Before I know it, Perry is giving a stretch I'm pretty sure isn't real and says, "I'm getting a little tired."

"Oh. I'm sorry," Mom says. "We didn't mean to keep you up. I can get the air mattress out for you, and we'll put it in Theo's room. I'm sorry we don't have an extra bed."

"No worries. I can crash anywhere." Perry nods for me to go with him. We say good night to Dad and my sisters before grabbing our bags and going into my old bedroom.

Mom insists on helping us blow it up and putting a sheet and blankets on it for Perry.

"We're so glad you're here with us." Mom hugs him, then me, squeezing me a little longer than normal before she lets herself out.

"You okay?" Perry takes my hand.

"Yeah, I'm good." I lie down on the bed and pull him with me. We're both dressed and still have our shoes on, but I want to be close to him. "You're not sleeping on the air mattress, are you?"

"That's up to you. I'll sleep wherever you want me to."

I nuzzle in closer, breathing him in. "My bed. The door locks. Dad put a new knob on when I was thirteen and Mom walked in on me jerking off."

"Yikes."

"I'll never forget the look on her face."

He chuckles, then pushes up on his elbows and looks down at me. "They're great, Theo. Your family are fucking awesome. They just want what's best for you and will one hundred percent support you if you tell them you're having a hard time."

"I know." And I do, but that's not the point. "I want to make them proud, though. I want to be able to do the things they've fought so hard to give me. I don't want to feel stupid." The last part hurts to admit, makes my skin feel clammy and my chest ache.

"You're not stupid," he snaps, more anger in his voice than I'd anticipated.

"You know what I mean."

"Don't call yourself that. No one is allowed to talk about my boyfriend that way, not even my boyfriend."

My heart starts to flutter and float. How can it not, when he says things like that?

"I like being your boyfriend."

"I like it too." Perry presses a soft kiss to my lips, then sits up. "We need to be good. I know how quickly you get hard."

I hit him with a pillow.

We take turns using the hallway bathroom to change and brush our teeth, before going back into the room. I lock the door and turn out the light, then pull Perry beneath the covers with me.

He must not have slept great last night because he's out in no time, but my brain won't stop spinning enough for me to even try to get to sleep.

I'm lying next to my boyfriend, in the bed I slept in most of my life, yet my parents don't know. My parents can't help Katie with school until I graduate, but each year is getting harder, overwhelming me more, and I just want to slow down, to breathe. But how can I do that when they're so proud of me? Counting on me?

Every time I close my eyes, all those thoughts spin around my head. I can feel the time slip by. Perry rolls onto his stomach and out of my arms. It's a twin bed, so there's not a lot of room.

I turn the opposite direction, plucking my phone off the nightstand. Holy shit. I've been lying here stressing out for three hours.

It's a stupid thing to do when I'm already feeling so shitty, but I log in to my school account to check my grade. Maybe I'll be surprised. Maybe I passed, and that will help.

The second I see the F, my heart drops, gut tightening as a wave of nausea hits me. This isn't good. I'm already barely holding on to Cs in most of my classes, and this F is going to drop me even lower.

My head throbs, body too twitchy to stay in bed with Perry without running the risk of waking him up.

As quietly as I can, I sneak out of the room. The lights are off in the house, which doesn't surprise me. My parents have never been night owls. Only when I go into the kitchen, I notice my mom sitting outside in the backyard. The fire is still going, and she's cuddled up in one of the chairs, watching the flames dance. It makes the unease in my stomach intensify, fear putting its claws into me that something is wrong.

I open the door, Cooper lifting his head to look at me before setting it down again. "Mom?"

"Oh, hey. I thought I was the only one awake."

I shake my head, then join her on the chair beside hers. "I couldn't sleep. Is everything okay?"

"Yeah. Of course. I just couldn't sleep either. I'm not sure why, so I came out here and got the fire going. I don't want to keep your father up."

I nod, unsure what to say. Almost wanting to tell her I felt the same about Perry, which really wouldn't be an admission at all. He's sleeping in my room. Saying I don't want to wake him up doesn't automatically mean he's in my bed.

"Are you sure everything is okay?"

"It really is. I have my family, my health, and that's what matters. You know my brain just likes to wander sometimes. I overthink everything. I think you get that from me."

My gaze snaps to hers, not having expected her to say that. It's not something we've ever talked about, but I do overthink a lot of things, especially when it comes to people I love. I'm either worrying too much or jumping right into whatever the situation is. There's no middle ground for me. "Thanks for that," I tease, making her chuckle.

"I like Perry a lot. He's sweet and funny. Seems like a great guy."

I sigh, feeling more fluttering than I have any right feeling just from her telling me she likes him.

"He seems like a good friend."

And while I know I can say he's a good friend and Mom would let it go, I don't want to. Not with her, and not in this moment. I'm tired of holding things in, stressing about how I feel or what I do, that the smallest thing is going to make someone upset with me or disappointed in me. It's why I tried to make things work with Whitney for so long, and why I've held my school troubles in, but sitting here by the fire with my mom, I'm too exhausted to hold back. "He's my boyfriend," I admit, then hold my breath, though my heart knows she'll support me.

Mom smiles, reaches over and takes my hand, giving it a supportive squeeze. "Hate to break it to you, sweetie, but I could tell. I think your sisters could too. Your dad might be the only one in the dark. The two of you are clearly smitten with each other. Whew! The way he looks at you…it's the way your father looks at me."

My eyes widen, hope blooming in my chest. "Really?"

"What? You can't tell? That boy is crazy about you!"

"I'm crazy about him. I've…never felt this way before. He just…makes everything okay…makes everything better."

"Oh, Theo. That's what love does. Life isn't perfect. There are struggles and hard times, but love makes the weight feel lighter, gives you something to fight for. You're right. It does make everything better—romantic love and your family." She squeezes my hand again. My stupid eyes begin to sting, which is embarrassing as hell.

"I think the smoke is getting to me." I use my free hand to rub my face.

"Come on. You're not one of those guys who's afraid of their feelings."

No, no I'm really not. "Are you sure you don't care?"

She wrinkles her nose. "No. You know what I care about? My children being happy. That's it. Are you happy, Theo?"

I don't have to stop and think. The answer falls from my tongue easily because it couldn't be truer. "I'm happier with Perry than I've ever been. He knows more about me than anyone else, and he never makes me feel like there's something wrong with me."

"Why would you ever think something is wrong with you?"

I don't…not really, but then sometimes I do. Being human is so nuanced and complex. Half the time it doesn't even make sense, that we can feel so many things at once, but I do.

Mom is staring at me, her eyes so familiar and kind. I can't believe I just came out to my mom. It was so easy. I'm lucky in that. It's not like that for everyone, but for me it is because my parents love us unconditionally and always will. I know that, know it, but the thought of disappointing them is still hard.

"Theo?" Mom asks, concern making her voice wobble.

"I'm okay. I just…" Breathe, Theo. You can do this. You need to do this. "I just don't think I'm very smart." Ugh. Even the words I chose feel stupid.

"What! Theodore Bassett. Why would you say that?"

I push to my feet, unable to keep my shaky legs still. I pace in front of Mom, trying to figure out if I'm going to do this, if I can do this. Isn't it like throwing all their hard work back in their faces? But I don't think I can hold it in anymore either. "School is just…really hard for me. You know I struggled and was tested when I was younger, but it feels like it's getting worse. I don't know if it's because school is just getting harder or if I'm getting dumber or what, but it's a lot. I don't understand things as well if I try to read them, but it's better if someone reads them to me."

Now that I've started, it's like I can't keep my mouth shut, can't hold any of it in. "I feel like I'm shitty at business, but I don't know what else I would do. I'm not good at much of anything. When I start thinking that way, I obsess about all the things you and Dad have sacrificed for us. The things you want for us, and I know you want them because they're good for me and because you love me. I want to make you proud. Disappointing anyone, especially the two of you, makes me feel like the worst person in the world."

"Impossible." Mom stands, walks over to me, and grasps my chin so I can't look away. "It would be impossible for you to disappoint us. You're kind, have a huge heart, are funny, and care about others. You bring so much joy into our lives, into the world, and nothing about you would ever be a disappointment, least of all college."

"But that's all you've been telling us our whole lives—how you want a better life for us, want us to have a better future, that I'd be the first Bassett to graduate from college."

"I'm sorry if that put pressure on you. That wasn't our intention. We do want those things for you, but we also want you to chase the future you want. You're a smart, capable man, and if college isn't your thing, then you'll find what is. When you told me about Perry, I said we only want you to be happy. That's true in every situation."

Just like that, years of weight begin to fall off my shoulders, my back, my chest. Until this moment, I didn't realize how hard it had been to breathe.

"Oh, sweetheart. You try so hard to make everyone happy. Don't ever forget the most important thing is to do that for yourself."

I pull Mom into my arms, crushing her to me. We hug and cry, and while I still don't have answers, don't know what I'll do, I know that somehow, it will be okay.