CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

The following Thursday, as Matty boarded the team flight out of Toronto, he felt the urge to turn around and drive back home. He'd never felt that before, had always looked forward to the time with the boys.

Even when he was married to Courtney, he hadn't minded being away from her. That probably said more about how unhappy they'd been for most of the marriage than anything else, though he hadn't realized it at the time. But while he'd definitely missed sex and the feel of his wife sleeping beside him, he hadn't felt like he was leaving his whole heart behind him when left her.

Now there were five people he was flying away from. Five hearts he left behind.

Or maybe his heart felt five times bigger.

Whatever it was, Matty missed Reese's soft breathing against his neck as they napped on the couch and the way River's tiny hand disappeared into his when she reached out to pull him toward the swings, begging for, "More pushes, Matty!"

He missed the sight of Eli with their nose buried in a book, suddenly lifting their head to join the conversation around them with something funny and clever to say.

He missed Alexis' snark and the way she'd broken down the plays in his previous game over dinner, calling Matty out on his bad positioning.

And Antoni … God, Matty missed him so much.

He missed the bright light in Antoni's eyes and that soft, husky laugh of his that came so much more easily now.

Matty missed the way Antoni's dark curls fell into his eyes and the soft scratch of his pen as he graded papers. He missed the smooth skin of Antoni's shoulders, the definition of the muscles of his arms. He missed the way Antoni's mouth tasted and the sounds he made when he came.

With a dejected sigh, Matty stowed his bag in an overhead compartment, then ambled to his seat at the games table next to Dustin and across from Jordan and Dom.

Takeoff was uneventful and as the flight attendant cleared away their plates following their dinner, Matty thumbed through his earlier text messages from Antoni, thinking about the way his kiss had felt almost desperate as he said goodbye.

Matty brought up the photos of their wedding, smiling at the sight of them together on the steps of city hall. He'd been so caught up in the moment he hadn't realized how he looked at Antoni, his eyes shining with … with love.

It felt like love anyway.

Matty had been thinking about it since the game last weekend and if anything, the feeling had only gotten stronger.

He hadn't said anything to Antoni yet though. It seemed too soon and there were too many other important things to worry about like the custody trial and the regular season getting underway.

Matty would wait until everything settled down a little, but being so sure of how he felt was like a warm glow he carried in his chest wherever he went.

And he tried to ignore the flicker of fear that the distance would make Antoni resentful of his career. Matty had promised to be there for him and the kids and he was trying to do it all but it would be harder now.

Sure, the money helped but Matty wasn't there to help out anymore. What if the shine wore off in a few months and Antoni decided it wasn't worth it anymore?

"Hey. You doing okay there, Matty?" Dustin asked with a lift of his eyebrow. "You've been sighing an awful lot tonight."

Matty shrugged. "Meh. Missing my family already."

"Your family, huh?" Dustin said, so lowly that none of the rookies or guys new to the team who sat around them would hear.

Matty nodded. "I want them to be. I … God, I really do. Permanently, you know?"

Dustin reached over and squeezed his shoulder. "Well, for what it's worth, Antoni seems pretty crazy about you too."

"You think so?" Matty swallowed thickly. He hoped so. He thought he'd seen signs of that lately but he couldn't be sure.

Was Antoni happy with him or happy that his life wasn't such a struggle now?

"Yeah. Give him time," Dustin said, shifting in his seat. "He lost his best friends. He might not be ready to open up to getting close to people again and really letting himself trust that they'll stick around. But it doesn't mean he won't get there. Or isn't already slowly getting there without realizing it."

"True." Matty hadn't really considered that before. It made sense of course. Why wouldn't Antoni be wary about getting close to someone? When he'd lost two important people in his life, of course he'd worry about that happening again. "I can be patient for him."

"Of course you can." Dustin smiled. "And you'll do it the same way you made it here."

He gestured around the private plane with its cushy seats and subtle nods to the team colors.

The luxury that was far from the uncomfortable busses Matty had ridden after ECHL games. Where soggy sub sandwiches and gas station apples were the norm instead of the steak and roasted sweet potatoes or scallops with barley risotto they'd eaten tonight as they winged their way across the border to play in Buffalo.

Matty nodded slowly. Dustin was right. "Yeah, I guess I have plenty of experience being patient, don't I?"

"Exactly."

"Hey, are we gonna play cards tonight or what?" Dom asked cooly.

Matty lifted his head, nodding as he tucked his phone into his pocket. Dustin didn't sigh aloud but the look he shot Matty told him that he'd like to.

They were both frustrated by Dom.

"Yeah. What are we playing today?" Matty asked, keeping his voice neutral as he reached for a deck of cards in his bag.

"Seven Up?" Dustin suggested.

Dom groaned. "Can't we do something else? It's such a tight fit laying out seven cards for each of us at this tiny-ass table."

"Ahh shut up, you old grump," Dustin said with a laugh. "You love this game."

"Mr. Mystery here is in a bad mood because he can't do whatever it is he usually does on Sunday night," Jordan teased.

Dom made an annoyed noise at being called out and Matty kept his mouth shut and shuffled the cards. There was no way he was saying anything. If he did, he'd make a bad situation worse.

The routine of shuffling the cards settled Matty though, the cards soft and well-worn over countless games played on the plane.

He dealt everyone their seven cards in a line facedown, set the deck in the middle of the table and Dustin began his turn.

It was an easy game, mindless, and Matty was glad.

They often played poker or blackjack for money but that usually led to a lot more bickering and competitiveness. With the tension already simmering between Matty and Dom, it was probably a smart choice to keep it simple and low-key tonight, something easy to while away the short flight.

Matty smiled at his cards, grateful for Dustin who was so good at keeping the peace.

Dustin dealt the second game and Matty snapped a picture of the card table before sending it to Antoni.

He didn't get a response, but it was late and he was probably already asleep.

They played a few rounds and Matty watched from the corner of his eye as Dom's shoulders finally softened and he laughed easily at something Jordan said.

When the pilot alerted them it was time to descend, Matty packed away the cards and buckled his seatbelt.

It was late when they landed in Buffalo and Matty was quiet as they boarded the bus, watching the lights of the city go by as they sped to their hotel.

It didn't take long for the team services guy, Grady Reynolds, to get their keycards handed out and Matty felt a stab of envy as Jonah and Felix disappeared into their room together.

"Movies?" he asked hopefully to Nico as he passed in the hall but he shook his head.

"Gonna video chat with Auggie. You can join us but I have a feeling you won't want to be there for that." Nico winked.

"Ahh nope. I definitely don't," Matty agreed with a laugh. He saw enough of Nico's ass in the locker room. He sure didn't need more of it.

Dustin would probably video chat with Charlie. Jordan would call Natasha, Colton would call Birdie …

Damn it.

Still, as Matty tossed his bag on the bed in his room, he had to admit it was a hell of a lot better than last season. Last season, he'd had no one to go home to at the end of a trip at all.

Sure, he'd love to call Antoni now but he had to be up early and deal with the kids before work so the last thing Matty wanted was to make him lose sleep.

Matty took a few pictures of the view from his window, sent them to Antoni so he'd see them in the morning, then unpacked.

But as he pulled his travel kit out, something fluttered to the floor.

His knees popped as he squatted down to pick up the simple piece of ruled notepaper with a short note.

We miss you already! Have a great game tomorrow!

-Antoni, Alexis, Eli, River, and Reese

Matty's eyes swam a little as he read the note. Each of them—except Reese of course—had signed it themselves and Matty pressed it against his heart for a moment and blinked back tears.

God, he loved them. Every last one of them.

As Matty hopped from city to city, Antoni's world once more narrowed to work and the kids.

He had papers and tests to grade and the kids' activities had exploded. Alexis and Eli were busy with hockey and River had some speech therapy testing this week.

Worst of all, his Mom's MS symptoms had returned. She'd gone a long time between relapses this year but it was sort of inevitable that they'd flared up again.

He hated how down about it she sounded as they talked on the phone.

"I'm sorry to leave you in the lurch like this," she said with an exhausted sigh. "But my vision … it's been bad. And I have so much numbness and weakness in my hands and arms. I certainly can't drive and I'm afraid I'd drop Reese if I have to change or feed him."

"Hey, no. It's okay," Antoni assured her. "I can take care of the kids. You focus on taking care of yourself."

"But your father can help."

"I'm sure he will. But he also needs to be there for you," Antoni reminded her. "We'll be fine."

"I talked to Andrea and Stephanie. Stephanie said she can get River to and from speech therapy on Tuesday afternoon. And your father will get Alexis and Eli to hockey practice on Tuesday night."

"Mom, you didn't have to worry about that!" Antoni protested. "Don't get me wrong, I appreciate it, but you're supposed to be resting."

"We still need to figure out what's going on Thursday," she continued like he hadn't spoken. "Matty has the game against Carolina on Wednesday, and then he's flying back home on Thursday morning, right?"

"That's the plan, yeah. But it sounds like they're filming some volunteering thing at the children's hospital when they get back and we're not sure how long that'll take. So I don't want to count on him. Not that I can't rely on him," he hastily added. "But a lot of that is out of his control."

"No, of course," his mom said. "Matty has been wonderful. But his schedule is a challenge, isn't it?"

"It sure is," Antoni agreed with a sigh. God, the SAPs hadn't been kidding when they said there was a big learning curve to being the spouse of an NHL-er.

But it was fine. Antoni'd figure it out. The timing fucking sucked with his mom's relapse hitting as the season and travel kicked off but, well, that was life. Shitty things didn't exactly wait for life to be convenient.

Antoni could handle this. He absolutely could. He just had to shuffle some things around.

"Okay, well, I think we've got this under control, Mom," he assured her. "You go rest."

"But what about hockey on Thursday? We haven't figured that out."

Antoni tilted his head back and stared at the ceiling. "Oh my God, you need to stop worrying!"

"Your Dad has in-office meetings on Thursday afternoons or he'd handle it. Stephanie can watch the little ones for a bit until he gets home but she can't get the older two to hockey."

"I know," Antoni said. "We've got this."

"Oh! What about one of the SAPs? They sounded willing to help out."

"I am sure they are," Antoni said. "And if I need their help, I'll reach out."

But a part of him wanted to prove—as much to himself as anything—that he could do this. Sure, it was stressful. But it was still so much better than it had been this summer. He'd figure out how to make all of the pieces fit.

There was a learning curve, yes, but he had this under control.

"Okay," his mom said, sounding doubtful. "I just hate leaving you in the lurch."

"You're not," Antoni promised her. "We knew this moment would come. But I have some good meal prep routines Matty showed me, we switched to grocery delivery, Elena had some tips that helped me keep the laundry under control, and I have a reliable vehicle now. I am in so much better shape than I was before."

"I know. And I'm proud of you. Honestly, I am. I just worry."

"I know you do. And I love you. But go rest."

"Fine, fine." She grumbled a little under her breath but finally said goodbye and ended the call.

Antoni slumped back in his chair with a sigh. God, she was so stubborn.

"Uncle Antoni!" Alexis called out. He jumped in surprise at the knock on his bedroom door. "River was getting some juice out of the fridge and she dropped it and it went everywhere. I tried to clean up as much as I could but I need your help moving the fridge so I can clean under it."

"Motherfucker," he swore under his breath, dropping his head to the desk. He'd blocked off the next hour for grading. Looked like he wasn't going to get that done now.

"Uncle Antoni? Did you hear me?" Alexis called out again.

With a fortifying deep breath, Antoni rose to his feet. "Be right there!"

Yeah, it was going to be a long-ass week with Matty gone.

After a loss in Buffalo, the Fisher Cats moved on to Boston.

They'd played the Boston Harriers tonight and won, and tomorrow they'd play a back-to-back against the New York Rockets, then have a couple of days off before their next game in Carolina.

Matty was keyed up about more than the win. Some of the guys had gone out to celebrate and enjoy the New York City nightlife but Matty had stayed at the hotel. It was a Friday, so Antoni had promised he'd stay awake so they could talk.

Not that they hadn't talked in the past two days. There had been plenty of texting and some midday video chats so Matty could interact with the kids but he was really looking forward to having a face-to-face conversation alone with him.

Jerking off in the shower wasn't really cutting it anymore.

"You doing okay?" Antoni asked the moment he answered the call, his dark eyes big and concerned. "It looked like that puck hit you pretty hard tonight."

Matty shrugged, poking at the bruise on his thigh, pleased that Antoni had watched the game. "It's nasty-looking already but it'll be fine. I've been icing it and I'll do some more before I go to sleep tonight. How are you?"

"Sleepy." Antoni admitted, yawning.

"Aww, sorry. You want me to let you go?" Matty asked.

"Hell no. I'd rather talk to you." Antoni propped himself against the headboard, his dark hair flopping over his forehead.

Gah, that made Matty want to reach through the screen and smooth the curls out of the way.

"Yeah? What do you want to talk about?" Matty asked softly.

Antoni shrugged. "Anything. Just want to hear your voice."

"Hey, speaking of, how'd the kids do getting to sleep tonight?"

Antoni's face brightened. "Really well! Reese fell right to sleep when I played the recording of you reading his favorite books."

"Aww. Good. How did Eli do on their science project?"

Antoni beamed. "Great! They said their teacher raved about it. Hey, that reminds me, I want to talk to you about something with Eli. I keep forgetting but I don't want to put it off any longer."

Matty straightened. "Sure, what's up? Everything okay?"

"Yeah, everything fine. I was wondering if you thought we should talk to Eli about puberty blockers?"

"Ohh." Matty's eyes widened. "God, I don't know. Is that something they want?"

"I honestly don't know," Antoni admitted. "A couple of years ago, when Eli first came out as non-binary, Bethany and Corey looked into all of that. I remember at the time they said Eli didn't seem to be too interested in the idea but I think Eli's hitting a growth spurt now and this is about when puberty would start, you know? I feel like maybe we should revisit that conversation."

"True," Matty said thoughtfully. "Maybe we can both read up on it and when I get back from the trip we can talk to Eli. I mean, only if you want. I don't want to overstep or—"

"No, I'd love that," Antoni said. "As long as I'm not—not expecting too much of you."

"You're not." Matty swallowed. He hadn't really planned on bringing this up over the phone but well, it was something they needed to talk about. "I want to be—be your co-guardian, Antoni."

Antoni stilled, blinking. "Legally? Like you adopting the kids?"

"Uhh." Matty rubbed the back of his neck. He'd been thinking about this whole idea for weeks actually but he wasn't sure how Antoni would feel about it. He hadn't planned to bring up adoption tonight at all. But since Antoni went there first …

"I mean, yeah, I'd love to adopt them if you're good with that. I meant more helping with the kids though. Not the little stuff but the big stuff like this. Like, making decisions about how they're raised. If that's … if that's what you want. I don't want to try to jump in where I'm not welcome but I thought—I hoped—when we got married that's what it would mean."

"Wow," Antoni whispered.

Matty winced. "Too much?"

"No. No. Not too much. Just … I need a minute, maybe?" Antoni said, his voice kinda husky like he was feeling emotional or something. "To let it sink in. I know we talked about a lot of this stuff when we decided to get married but I wasn't really prepared for how it would feel, you know?"

"Yeah," Matty said softly. "I get that."

"Bethany and Corey gave me the responsibility of caring for their kids," Antoni said seriously. "And I've had this idea that it was my job and mine alone. But the closer we get—you and I, I mean—the more I think they'd approve of you."

"Yeah?" Matty asked, touched by that idea.

"Yeah." Antoni looked down. "They'd trust that someone who treated me well, treated the kids well, was someone important for the kids to have in their lives. So if you really want to co-parent, if you want to adopt them too, I'd love that. It's one more layer of protection if anything happens to me as well. Because then you'd automatically have custody."

Matty nodded. He'd had the same thought. "Should we ask Alexis and Eli?"

Antoni's face went soft. "Yeah, I think we should. That's a great idea, in fact. We can ask River too, even though I don't think she'll really understand what we're asking. I do know she loves you though, so that's something."

Matty's heart warmed at the thought. "Aww, you think so?"

"Oh, Matty, of course she does. All of the kids are crazy about you."

Are you?Matty wondered but he didn't say it aloud.

"Is it crazy if I say I really miss you right now?" Antoni said quietly.

"Only if it's crazy that I miss you too," Matty whispered.

The smile that lit up Antoni's face was so warm that long after they talked each other through a spine-meltingly hot jerk-off session on the video chat and Matty ended the call and turned out the light, he could still feel it like the glow of the sun against his face as he closed his eyes and slept.

"No, no, no, no." Antoni pounded his fist on the SUV wheel on Tuesday afternoon. "Fuck! MOVE YOU ASSHOLE!"

But no matter how much he swore or how much he beat up his vehicle, the line of traffic ahead of him didn't move an inch.

He glared at his phone in the dash-mounted cradle as he debated what to do.

He was running so fucking late getting home. His dad was watching the kids, so they were fine but he was supposed to leave to take Alexis and Eli to hockey soon and Antoni needed to be home to take Reese to a routine checkup with the doctor.

Fuck!

A part of Antoni wanted to call Matty and bitch to him but he was doing some team bonding golf thing that Antoni was loathe to interrupt.

And what was he going to do from Carolina, anyway?

The blare of a horn behind Antoni made him glance up. The car in front of him had moved forward a little. He eased forward the whole meter that was available, then reached for his phone again.

Antoni skimmed through his messages, hesitating when he got to one from Elena. He'd gotten several messages from her and the SAPs, including Charlie, and he'd assured them all he was doing great and had everything under control.

But that was … kind of a lie.

He was doing better than he had been this summer, sure. But that didn't mean he didn't need help right now.

Fuck, he hated asking for it though.

He drummed his fingers on the steering wheel, glanced at the time, then called his brother.

"Hey, everything okay?" Andrea asked when the call connected.

"Not really. Stuck in traffic. Do you have a minute?"

"Sure. I've got about fifteen of them before I have to be at a meeting. What's up?"

"Any chance you could get out early today?"

"No. The whole afternoon is packed with meetings. Why?"

Antoni explained the dilemma.

"I'm sorry." Andrea sounded genuinely remorseful. "You know I'd be happy to take Reese to the appointment but these are critical meetings. We're doing the software launch next week and—"

"No, that's okay," Antoni assured him. "It was a long shot."

Traffic in front of him crept forward again and he did the same.

"What about the WAGs or … whatever it is they call the people who are involved with Matty's teammates."

"The SAPs?" Antoni said. "Yeah, I thought about it, I just … I hate to ask."

"Do you have any other choice?" Andrea's tone was blunt but he was a blunt sort of guy.

"Probably not." Antoni drummed his fingers on the steering wheel again. "But, like, I can't expect them to take Reese to his appointment. I don't think the doctor would even let them go in with Reese without written permission from me."

"Well, no, probably not, but you could have them take Alexis and Eli to hockey and Dad could take Reese to the appointment. He's listed on all of the paperwork, right?"

"True. I guess driving the kids to hockey isn't too big of an ask."

"Sure and the SAPs already offered, yeah?"

"Yeah."

"So, what's the problem here?"

"I don't know. I … I hate feeling like I owe even more people."

"I'm going to say something and you're not going to like it."

Antoni huffed out a laugh. "Okay. Thanks for the warning."

"I think you're refusing to let people help you because you don't want to let anyone get close."

With a sharp inhale, Antoni froze. "Shit, Andrea …"

"I told you that you weren't going to like it. But am I wrong?"

"Uhh …"

Antoni wanted to say no but the truth was, those words had created a sudden, sharp ache in his stomach.

Because … because … Andrea was right. It was hard to let himself get close to anyone. Although there had been one notable exception.

"I got close to Matty," he protested.

Andrea chuckled. "Yeah, but Matty's … well, Matty. I don't think anyone can resist all that golden retriever-y goodness."

Despite himself, Antoni chuckled. "True."

No matter how hard he'd tried to keep Matty at arm's length, it had been impossible. Matty was an irresistible force that Antoni had no protection against.

And Antoni was glad of it. He was glad he'd moved in with Matty, glad they'd gotten married, glad they were sleeping together.

He was happy that Matty wanted a bigger role in the kids' lives.

He cared for him, was definitely falling in love with him.

And yes, sometimes it was still terrifying when Antoni wondered if this was all a really good dream he'd wake up from or something but he was starting to trust that Matty was everything he said he was. That he'd be there for Antoni and the kids for as long as they needed.

Longer, if they wanted.

"Besides," Andrea continued. "I don't think you're afraid of getting your heart broken by some guy. I think you're afraid of making friends and losing them."

Andrea was right about that too and Antoni swallowed thickly. He'd had such an easy, stable friendship with Bethany and then Corey. It had created the kind of foundation in Antoni's life that felt unshakable.

Over the years, Andrea had groused about losing touch with friends from university but that had never worried Antoni in the least. Not with those two, anyway. There was nothing that would get in the way of their friendship. No disagreement, no distance, nothing—nothing except death.

"Am I wrong?" Andrea asked, his voice soft.

"No," Antoni croaked.

Losing Bethany and Corey had taken his foundation out from under him and of course that made him hesitate to let anyone else get close.

Elena, Kayla, Charlie, August, and the team … they could be friends. Real friends. If Antoni let them in, they would support him. They'd grow closer. They'd become important to him. People he cared about and relied on.

"Look, I don't know a lot about sports," Antoni said roughly. "But even I know trades happen frequently."

"Sure," Andrea said.

"So that means guys and their families can be there one day and gone the next, yeah?"

"Yeah, that's possible. Likely, even."

"Am I ready for that? Am I willing to do that to myself? To the kids?"

Because that was the other thing. This would impact them too. The more time they spent with the team and their families, the harder it would be for them when people moved on.

They'd lost so much. Were any of them ready to risk losing more?

"What choice do you have?" Andrea asked and while the question was blunt as ever, his tone was still kind and understanding.

It was true. What choice did any of them have? That was life, wasn't it?

It shifted constantly, ebbing and flowing like water. People came in and out of each other's lives for reasons that seemed mysterious and unfathomable.

So what was Antoni doing holding back from friendships with Matty's team and their families?

Maybe some of them would only be there for a short while. But that didn't mean Antoni should shut out everyone.

Who would he be hurting if he kept the team and SAPs at arm's length? The kids, mostly.

Antoni didn't want that for them. And really, the kids needed to see him setting a good example. He'd hate it if they shut people out because of their own fear of loss. Because they watched him doing it.

He needed to do better, for all of them, himself included.

"You're right," Antoni said thickly. "You're right."

"Obviously." Andrea snorted. "I'm always right."

"Oh fuck you," Antoni said, laughing a little through the emotion clogging his throat.

"So, crisis fixed?" Andrea asked, sounding smug.

"Yeah, yeah, I'll reach out to them. Oh, shit, traffic's moving now. Gotta go!" Antoni jabbed at the button on the steering wheel to end the call, then drove forward, the line of traffic finally moving at a steady pace.

A glance at the clock told him he had enough time to make it home and pick up Reese but he promised himself he'd contact the SAPs about Thursday's practice.

Antoni's stomach churned as he thought about it, thought about the risk he was taking. Andrea was right but that didn't mean Antoni felt ready for it.

He flicked on his righthand turn signal, eyeing the lane next to him carefully to be sure he had space to get over in time to take the next exit.

When Antoni glanced over to double-check, there was a white car beside him and he jerked the wheel, laying on the horn as the car cut in front of him and then into the lane to his left.

Heart pounding, he shakily navigated home, then sat in the garage for a moment to calm himself. He probably shouldn't be driving when he was feeling emotional like this.

But there wasn't time to linger on his feelings and he went in the house, greeted his dad, kissed the top of Alexis' and Eli's heads as they ate their pre-practice snacks, then grabbed Reese and was on the road again.

It wasn't until he sat down in the pediatrician's waiting area that he felt like he could breathe again. He pulled some plastic keys out of the diaper bag so Reese could entertain himself, and grabbed his phone.

Throat feeling suspiciously thick, Antoni sent a text to the SAPs' group chat. I could use some help on Thursday evening. Would anyone be available to pick Alexis and Eli up from the house and take them to hockey practice?

And when, in moments, there were replies from several people offering their assistance, Antoni blinked back tears.