Chapter 17

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN

T he book lay on her lap as Evelyn gazed out of her bedchamber window. She had been sitting and reading for a while, if one could call sitting in a dazed state reading. In fact, she was certain she had tried to read the same page more than three times.

But how could she really concentrate now? Her father's words had brought her whole world crashing to the ground. The hope she had experienced at a chance for happiness was now dashed into a thousand pieces. She was going to have to marry Audor, and there was not a thing she could do about it.

After her tears earlier, Yvaine had sat with her for a long time. Evelyn had remained silent. Not only was there nothing to say, but she also did not have the energy to engage in conversation. Wisely, Yvaine had not spoken either, as though she knew Evelyn needed to just sit there in her silence with her sister's comfort.

Nevertheless, while she did not speak, Evelyn's mind would not quieten its chatter.

It isnae fair. None o' this is fair.

Fer the first time in me life, I have felt love. And yet, fate, being the cruel master it is, has dangled a future in front o' me that I cannae have.

I will never love again. I can never love again. It isnae possible tae love another, when me heart is bound so tightly tae someone else.

While Yvaine had gone down for breakfast, after much encouragement from Evelyn, for her sister did not want to leave her, Evelyn had stayed in the bedchamber.

It was just too difficult to look upon Benedict under the circumstances. How could she sit at the same table as the man she could never be with? It would be torture, and suffering enough already, Evelyn chose to remain alone. Later, Yvaine had returned with some bread and meat. That same plate still remained on the dresser, untouched.

She had been sitting at the window now for several hours, gazing across the rear gardens and beyond the wall. Soon, this would be her home. A home where she was married to a man she neither loved nor cared for. But that wasn't the worst part.

Not only would she be married to a man she didn't love, she would be forced to live with the man she did love by her side. She would have to see him every single day. Somehow, though Evelyn could not begin to imagine how she was to manage it, she was going to have to swallow her feelings, suppress the aching of her heart, and learn to live with the fact that they could never be together.

It would have been better fer Laird Keith's soldiers tae have taken me and killed me.

Dinnae say such things. Ye dinnae mean them.

Of course, she didn't, and yet, would death not be a blessing when faced with a lifetime of heartache?

A soft knock came on her door, but Evelyn did not respond. She didn't care who it was. She did not want to see anyone. After a second knock, the door opened slightly, and her father's voice carried across the bedchamber.

"Evelyn? Are ye in here?"

The fact that it was her father was surprising. This was now two visits in one day. Perhaps he had returned because she had not joined him after breakfast, like he had asked earlier. But what was she supposed to tell him if he asked about the reason for her absence? He just wouldn't understand her feelings. Besides, he was too concerned with the alliance to care about how she felt.

"I am here, Faither," she said, closing the book she had hardly read.

She stood to face him as he moved further into the room, eventually coming to a stop a few feet away.

"Where is Yvaine?" he asked, looking around the room.

"She is at the bathing rooms with the maids."

"Ah, I see. Well, I have exciting news," he said eagerly. "Now that Benedict has returned, the laird wants tae bring the wedding forward."

For a second, Evelyn was stunned. She gazed at her father blankly, while her mind attempted to assimilate the information.

Audor is back?

When did he arrive?

The wedding is going tae be sooner?

Her mind raced as those thoughts tumbled over each other, and struggling to unpack them all, Evelyn did not react. Clearly, Audor had only returned this day, or her father would have mentioned it earlier. It was also likely he who had decided the wedding should be brought forward. He had heard about the attack and was now hurrying things to enable the alliance to be put in place.

She had thought she would have more time. But evidently, her time with Benedict had now come to an abrupt end, which sent a panic through her entire being.

Her father seemed to take her silence as permission for him to continue, and then said, "The laird thinks it is fer the best. After the attack yesterday, he is determined to confirm the alliance between the two clans, and the sooner ye are married, the better."

At least she didn't have to pretend to look excited. It wasn't as though her father expected that from her. And yet, her silence and blank expression clearly worried him.

"Are ye all right, me dear?" he asked, taking a step forward and pressing a large hand onto her arm in comfort.

"Aye," Evelyn stammered. "Aye, I am fine."

"I ken this is all happening so quickly?—"

"When?" Evelyn blurted. "When is the laird arranging the wedding fer?"

"It will take place in three days," her father said.

Evelyn sighed heavily. "I see."

"I'm sorry, daughter. Truly, I am. But this will protect ye and yer sister when I am nae longer here tae dae it."

His words surprised her, for Evelyn had not imagined her life without her father in it. But then, she supposed, as the cycle of life occurred, he would leave them at some point. And of course, he was right. The alliance would not only protect herself and Yvaine, it would protect the entire clan. Marrying Audor was the right thing to do. She knew that. Well, her mind knew that. Her heart had an entirely different opinion.

"Thank ye fer telling me, Faither," Evelyn replied, feeling like she did not know what else to say.

"I have sent word tae our clan. They will likely nae arrive on the day o' the ceremony, but the laird has ensured me…"

But even as Evelyn nodded in all the right places as her father continued, she was hardly listening to his words. He spoke of the attendees, and that the celebrations would continue, and yet, she didn't care. Her life was soon to be bound to a man she would never love, thus breaking both hers and Benedict's hearts. They could never be together, and no matter how strong their bond was, it simply could not be.

Once her father left, Evelyn could only stand there in stunned silence. Before he had arrived, she was still trying to come to terms with the fact that she was going to have to marry Audor. Now, she was reeling with the news that the wedding would be in three days.

I am trapped. I am trapped and I will never be free.

Suddenly feeling the walls of her bedchamber closing in, Evelyn grabbed her shawl and ran from the room. Hurrying down the corridor to the main staircase, she ran down the steps. Her heart thumped, her throat felt as though it were closing over, and she could hardly breathe. Passing maids who gave her strange looks, she continued running until she reached a rear door, and bursting through it to the outside, she took in a great gasp.

Gulping the air in as though it was the only thing that could save her, Evelyn took a second to catch her breath, lifting her face to the heavens, as though the sunlight itself was her sustenance.

After a moment, and seeing others mingling about, Evelyn ventured onward. She wanted to be alone. She needed to be alone. The wind tugged at her shawl, but the afternoon was pleasant as she continued walking towards the gardens at the rear of the castle.

She didn't want to be found. She wanted to lose herself among the decorative hedges and shrubbery. She wanted to lose herself forever. If she could have, she would have run out of the gates and never stopped running, but she would never get passed the guards. No one was to leave the castle now. The threat of Laird Keith's men on Clan Gunn lands had everyone on alert.

Finding a stone bench in a secluded area where no one from the castle could see her, Evelyn dropped herself down and fought the tightness in her throat that threatened to overwhelm her.

The last time they had been together, she had told Benedict that she wanted to be with him. Now, that choice had been taken from her. But how was she supposed to explain that to him? How was she supposed to tell him that, to protect her clan, she had to deny her heart, push aside her feelings, and marry his brother?

He had promised her he would tell his brother what had happened between them, but surely, if Audor was bringing the wedding forward, that could not be the case.

Unless, he did tell him, and Audor has dismissed it.

What difference did it make now? Clearly, the decision had been made. Her father did not come to tell her she was marrying Benedict. Audor had brought the wedding forward, and she was marrying him.

"Evelyn?"

She gasped at the sound of Benedict's voice, and looking up, she could only stare at him as he stood there, just a few feet away.

"Evelyn, are ye all right?"

"How did ye ken where tae find me?" she blurted.

"I saw ye walking in the garden from an upstairs window," Benedict replied, pointing back to the castle. "What are ye doing out here alone?"

Evelyn sighed. "I just needed some time tae think. Me faither just told me that Audor has brought the wedding forward. Now, I am being forced tae marry even sooner than I wanted."

Benedict came and sat beside her with a heavy frown. "But, I thought…" he trailed off when Evelyn began shaking her head.

"I cannae dae it, Benedict. I have tae marry yer braither."

"Nae. Ye dinnae," Benedict said, with evident agitation in his voice.

"I have nae choice. ‘Tis the only way tae protect me clan," Evelyn retorted.

Benedict jumped from the bench, before turning to face her. "Nay, Evelyn," he barked, shaking his head. "Ye cannae live yer life fer everyone else. Ye are a strong and determined woman with a heart o' gold, but ye put everyone and everything ‘afore yersel'. ‘Afore us. Does what we have mean naething tae ye at all?"

"O' course it does," she cried, feeling the agonizing pain pinch her throat as her emotion built. "But it doesnae take away from the fact that I have tae marry a laird fer the alliance tae be put intae place."

"An alliance can be agreed if we marry too, I am sure. I cannae believe ye have changed yer mind on this. Can ye nae see what ye mean tae me? Can ye nae see that I want tae be with ye fer the rest o' yer life?"

Evelyn's heart was already broken, but the pain of losing him was now overwhelming. She didn't want to spend another minute without him by her side. As the tears threatened, she tried to battle them, but she knew she would lose that fight. The pain was devastating, and the desolation readied itself to crash down on her soul.

"I cannae let me braither marry the woman I love," Benedict said, pacing back and forth. "I just cannae dae it. How can ye even think about marrying him?"

"I've already told ye. I have nae choice!" Evelyn retorted, the tears welling in her eyes.

"Ye are going tae sentence us both tae a life o' misery. A life where I'll have tae look upon ye every day, kenning I can never be with ye. Kenning I can never hold ye or touch ye. I ken ye dinnae want that, Evelyn. I ken it in me heart," he thumped his chest with his fist, "that this isnae what ye want."

Of course, it wasn't what she wanted, but what else was she supposed to do? The safety of her entire clan rested upon her shoulders. It was too much to ask, and yet, her father was asking it anyway. The arranged marriage had been bad enough at the beginning, when she had no connection to any other.

Benedict dropped to his knees in front of her, and searching her face, he gazed up at her. "I love ye, Evelyn. Ye ken that by now. Dae ye nae love me?"

Tears now trickled down Evelyn's cheeks, and she could barely speak. If she told him how she felt, their situation was only going to be harder. And yet, she couldn't hold it in.

"I dae love ye," she whispered through her tears. "I dae, with all me heart."

Benedict gently took hold of her cheeks and kissed the tears that trickled down them. "I'm nae going tae leave ye, Evelyn," he breathed. "Whatever happens, I promise yer clan will be safe. I'll make sure o' it. But I need ye. I need ye by me side."

He then lowered his lips to hers and kissed her tenderly. Evelyn responded, and throwing her arms around his neck, kissed him back with all the fervor her heart felt in that moment. She loved him, she could never deny that. How they were going to be together, she didn't know. She just knew, like Benedict, that she could not live without him.

Scooping his arms under her legs, Benedict lifted her from the bench, and with little effort at all, carried her a few feet away, beneath a nearby oak tree. He gently lowered her onto the grass, and then lay down beside her.

"I cannae lose ye," he whispered, kissing her neck. He repeated the same phrase, the sound of his agony evident in his tone as his lips traveled down her throat.

Evelyn felt him tugging at the string of her blouse, and a second later, she felt his fingers caress her breasts. Gasping as the pleasure shot through her body, she arched her back, pushing herself into his touch.

He found the pert nipples that ached for his caress, and as he caught them between his fingertips, she cried out.

His lips then enveloped her nipple, while his hands travelled down her body and pulled at her frock. She knew what he wanted, and reaching down and grabbing the other side, she pulled her dress up around her knees.

Parting her legs for him, she felt his gentle caress travelling up her thigh. He traced slow circles that made her ache for him even more, and writhing around as the passion between them built, he finally found the moist apex of her thighs.

With his tongue still lashing her nipple, he rubbed the tiny nub that sparked so much pleasure through her body.

"Oh. Oh," she cried.

"I love ye, Evelyn. I want tae spend the rest o' me life pleasing ye," he growled, as his fingers moved faster and faster.

She grabbed his tunic, writhing beneath his rhythm, feeling herself climbing, higher and higher. Her whole body felt like it was floating as she climbed nearer and nearer to that place of delightful bliss. A place no other had ever taken her. A place she only ever wanted to go with Benedict.

Panting and tensing, she arched her back as the tension grew. She was so very close. So close.

"Oh, aye," she cried, desperate to feel the crashing explosion that would send her over the edge.

With his fingers moving on the perfect spot, ecstasy flooded through her entire body. "Oh me God," she squealed.

Every part of her spasmed as the ripples of delight washed over her. Even as the waves of pleasure continued, Benedict positioned himself over the top of her, and as she gazed up at him with all the love she felt, she opened herself wider to welcome him in.

Gently, he entered her, and the pleasure began again as he slowly moved back and forth. She felt herself stretch for him, surrounding him with her warmth and softness.

He looked down at her adoringly, his face a picture of euphoric pleasure. And then Evelyn found herself climbing again. As Benedict moved faster, she climbed higher. She watched his face redden as he, too, climbed with her. They were lost in this moment, in perfect rhythm with each other in all things. This was how she wanted it to be. Them together forever, lost in each other's love.

Benedict thrust his hips faster and deeper, and as Evelyn felt herself tightening once more, she grabbed his arms and held on tight. They were to soar into the heavens together, and as she reached the cusp of pleasure, her eyes widened, she held her breath, and suddenly, she squealed at the feeling.

A second later, Benedict roared as he emptied himself into her. He stilled, his whole body shaking as he hung there above her. And for that moment in time, their eyes locked, their bodies entwined, wrapped in the soft warmth of their love. She knew she could never be with any other man for the rest of her life.