36. Hazel

HAZEL

I knew Ben would reach for me first.

"Whatever you are carrying inside you, I promise you can trust us with it," he told me fiercely. "Don't run, Hazel."

You won't want me when you know.

But the words stuck in my throat.

Of course they wanted me. I'd been pretending I didn't see how deeply they cared. Pretending they hadn't proven themselves to only want the best for me over and over.

"You are allowed to stop punishing yourself."

Aleks' quiet words were a baptism, cleansing and pure. I didn't realise how long I'd been underwater until he pulled me out of it.

Light flooded the room as Aleks turned on my lamp. We all winced, blinking rapidly as our pupils adjusted. His movements were so sure as he lifted my limp form into his arms. He swept my hair off my shoulders carefully and his lips found Adrian's fading bondmark on my neck.

"I think you should tell us about him."

Him.

My past and my failure.

Was I ready for that? I don't think I could ever be ready.

But I was tired. Broken.

Maybe this way I could stop carrying it all by myself.

I laid my cheek on Aleks' shoulder and finally let myself speak.

"I was bonded before. To my scent matched alpha. His name was Adrian."

I hadn't heard his name spoken out loud in so long. I don't know why I expected something monumental to happen but all I could hear was quiet breathing as they listened attentively.

I told them about my summers in August Bay. Our childhood romance and awakening for him on those dunes.

"He really could do it all, you know? So fucking smart, top of his class. He went to church every Sunday just like his parents wanted. But I think he enjoyed the community of it as well." I could see him so clearly running around outside letting the younger children chase him. "I would call him crazy because he woke up early on purpose, just to catch the morning surf. And he loved racing. Dirt bikes. Just mad for the adrenaline it gave him. I'd never felt him so alive in the bond."

My fingers dug into Aleks' back, bracing for what was to come.

"There was a race he was excited for," I said, my voice growing subdued. I could feel the tension mounting in the room as they sensed what was to come. "He was frustrated at the rumours it might be cancelled because of poor conditions and was ecstatic when it went ahead. It should've been cancelled because…"

Breathe in. Exhale. Get the words out.

"I…I didn't see it. But I felt it. In our bond. His panic, his fear, then…"

I didn't know what else to say and hoped it would be enough for them to understand. Ben laced his fingers in mine and Remy's palm ran over my knee.

"He was in a coma after that."

"Fuck," Aleks said under his breath.

Not dead, like they probably expected.

"We had only bonded a year earlier. One summer together, that's all we had. Shame because he loved summer," I said, wistfully. "I went on heat suppressants and visited him every day. Dropped out of uni and lived as a ghost. I didn't want a life if it wasn't with him. I spent more time sitting by his bed our entire relationship than doing anything fun in it."

I let out a half-hearted chuckle. No one joined me.

"His parents didn't give up. They moved here because they were able to get him into a private facility. All they told me was that they offered groundbreaking treatments you couldn't get anywhere else in the country. But they needed my help to do it. Our parents were best friends. Did I mention that? My parents were pushing me to say yes too. So I did."

Ben opened his mouth as if he wanted to question me — what facility? What treatments? But held himself back and let me continue.

"They put Adrian and I through so many tests, trying stuff with me using the bond. I always felt so guilty when it didn't work. They asked me so often if I felt anything from his end that I almost imagined it to be real sometimes, just from the sheer exhaustion of wanting it to be true. But I couldn't lie. Couldn't give them false hope."

"How long did this go on for?" Ben asked, trying to keep his voice controlled. "From his accident to these treatments?"

"About two years. Maybe three? Honestly, that time in my life is a blur."

His fingers almost crushed mine before he forced himself to relax.

"Then I started to get health issues. The worst cramps. Horrible mood swings. Weight fluctuations. Adrian's parents started making comments."

"What sort of comments?" Remy asked dangerously.

I swallowed past the lump in my throat. "About my heat. Innocuous at first, seemingly expressing concern that I hadn't had one in so long. Then they began suggesting that having me go into heat would wake him up."

Ben was shaking with barely contained rage. I knew he knew what was coming but I still had to say it.

"I had a breakthrough heat three weeks later," I said, feeling strangely unemotional. Like I was recounting events that happened to someone else. "They can be worse, you know, the first heat when you come off suppressants. Especially when you're bonded. And I had been on suppressants for a long time."

I could feel the rising anger in the room despite their best efforts to control it. I forced myself to push on.

"Adrian's parents locked me in the room with him and paid the facility staff to look the other way."

"How long?"

I looked up at Aleks for the first time, finding nothing but desolation. "How long did they leave you there for?"

I shut my eyes, trying not to relive the moment in my head. "Twelve hours. It probably would've been longer but there was a shift change and one of the relief staff hadn't been paid off. The whole time I was just…needing him and wanting him and he was just, he was just—"

The pain of it all slid past my ribs like a knife and I welcomed it, wishing it came with the oblivion I craved.

So many of my nightmares stemmed from that day. Begging for Adrian who lay there motionless and cold, unable to tend to me.

Unseeing, unhearing, unfeeling.

"They sedated me for the rest of my heat. The omega specialist said I had been taking placebo suppressants for about a week. My mum had been the one to swap them out from my bedside table. I didn't even notice."

Even saying the words now years later made me feel stupid.

"She said it was for my own good. That she was trying to help me because…" I chuckled dryly. "I'd gone and lost my virginity to him so he had to get better so we could get married." I looked at their disbelieving expressions. "My parents are, er, kinda super religious." I glossed over quickly.

"Anyway, it fucked my body up, not having my heat tended after suppressing it so long while bonded. Suppressants weren't an option for me anymore. And if it happened again it would have long term effects on my health."

I remembered the way the doctor rifled off the potential side effects like a grocery list.

Infertility. Early menopause. A reduced life expectancy.

"The doctor caring for me had been involved in the development of the National Omega Commission's bond dissolution trials. She recommended I go through it and start using heat services. Said it was my best and possibly only chance. Heat services…I understood and accepted. I couldn't bring myself to use the same alphas twice, though. I didn't want to risk my omega getting attached. But the trials…"

I met their eyes one by one, trying to make them see.

"Adrian was the furthest thing from abusive. It was what our parents did to me that qualified me for the trials, not him. I didn't want to do it, but I had to. You understand, right?" My words started to run away from me, tripping and stumbling as I felt my control slipping. "I loved him. All I wanted was the life we were meant to have back. I didn't mean to hurt him, I didn't mean to—"

I couldn't seem to get enough air all of sudden, my confession choking me as I fought to breathe.

"Hazel." Aleks was holding my face, trying to coach me through some deep breaths but it was just white noise.

"I killed him."

"No."

"I did. I broke our bond and he died two weeks later. I killed him."

"Holding on was killing you."

"Then I should've gone with him!" I screamed.

They're horrified by what I'm saying.

I'mhorrified by what I'm saying.

But it was the truth.

"I became so…numb from the pain. At first it was to cope, and then it was my normal." I flicked my eyes at Ben and then back down again. "I never told Juno, you know. Not properly anyway. She knew about Adrian's coma and my guilt over his death but not what he meant to me. Juno didn't really speak about her old alphas, so I didn't either. After our bonds broke, we were both so messed up in our own ways, the last thing I wanted to do was burden her more."

I saw the grief in Ben's expression and I hated reminding him of that time.

My fingernails scraped along my skin in an attempt to feel something. "I wasn't even allowed to go to his funeral," I said listlessly.

"Because of his parents?" Remy deduced.

I nodded, looking away. "Even my mum said it was best if I stayed away because of what I'd done."

"Is that what they made you believe?"

"What?"

Remy seemed incensed. "Were they cruel enough to put that on you? To make you carry that all this time?"

My brows furrowed. "Why wouldn't they? He died because of me."

"No, Hazel." Ben shook his head vehemently. "Do you understand what a two year coma is? He was in a vegetative state. Long term. He didn't respond to anything. He wasn't going to come back." His lip curled with outrage. "And I don't think this facility was legit either."

I think I knew all this. Deep down. But facing it would've required me to dig up everything else so I never did.

"Bond dissolution is too new and the effects are still being studied," Ben continued. "Did your health improve after? Once you went off suppressants and started using heat services?"

Yes. Almost immediately.

Ben didn't need me to answer, he could see it all over my face. "Do you think Adrian would have wanted that for you? To see you healthy? Happy?" He paused, stroking my cheek so gently as if afraid I would shatter under his touch. "Loved?"

"I don't know."

I always thought his eyes were kind but I was starting to think they were that way for me. To be my haven after the storm.

"I think you do know."

Maybe it was dumb of us to breeze through so many firsts together in one go but I couldn't sense a single ounce of regret from either of us.

I kissed my bondmark on his neck before snuggling down tighter into Adrian's arms.

I know we should've waited for marriage but we wanted our forever to start now.

"You're an omega."

That earned him a look. "Aaand you're an alpha," I replied, not sure where he was going with this.

"No, I mean, you're an omega." Adrian emphasised my designation meaningfully. "You'll probably need a pack."

I shook my head. Why were we talking about this? "You're all I need, Adrian."

"I think it would be cool."

What?

"Is this a test?" I asked him suspiciously.

Adrian laughed, kissing my forehead. "I'm serious. Having others who can look out for you. Giving you things that I can't give you." His eyes grew tender, looking at me like I was his entire world. "Knowing you are loved, always. I like the idea of that."

I broke. I let myself cry for what I'd lost in a way that I never had before.

I let myself be comforted through it.

And I stopped believing the pain was the price of my atonement.