Chapter 17

CHAPTER17

Gerald watched as his mother and brother climbed into a carriage, their belongings already packed and loaded. He couldn’t help but feel a saddening sense of relief as he watched the carriage roll away into the sunset, the coachman confused as to why he kept transporting family members to and from Powell Manor.

Gerald made his way back into the drawing room, but he found it empty, with only the bag of candelabras left on the floor. He wanted to speak to Katherine, ask if she were all right, but it appeared that she too had run off to someplace else.

As Anne walked past, he briefly stopped her. “Anne, might you know where the Duchess had gone?”

Anne looked at him for a moment, her expression unreadable. “She had asked for some alone time in her quarters, Your Grace. She is in there at this minute.”

“All right, thank you,” Gerald said calmly, but as the maid passed him, his expression turned into one of confusion.

Katherine had struck him as an open book, someone unafraid to share her feelings, yet now she had retired to her room after a bad incident. There had been several bad incidents, thus he couldn’t understand why this one had specifically upset her so much.

Perhaps she is just exhausted.

* * *

The next day, Gerald waited patiently for Katherine at the dinner table. He had been waiting for her for nearly ten minutes, yet there was no sight of her. No sight of her at all, in fact. He had not spotted her ever since she had run out of the drawing room after the quarrel with his mother and Simon. He had initially thought she was tired, but now he was starting to get worried.

“Anne!” he called.

Within seconds, the maid appeared beside him. “Yes, Your Grace?” she asked, appearing fully prepared to perform whatever task he might give her.

“Might you go ask the Duchess to head down for dinner?” he requested while staring at the food in front of him.

“I have just come down from her quarters, Your Grace,” Anne said hesitantly. “She asked me to inform you that she would be having her dinner in her chambers tonight.”

“Thank you, Anne,” Gerald muttered, his brow furrowing.

Something was wrong, and he could not eat before he knew what had happened.

He stood up from his chair and hurried out of the room, leaving a kitchen maid staring confusedly at the untouched meal. He ran up the stairwell and made straight for Katherine’s quarters.

He raised his knuckles to the door, inhaling deeply before knocking three times.

“Come in, Anne!” Katherine called from inside.

Gerald pushed open the door and then closed it behind him, before walking over to her bed.

Katherine stared at him in utter confusion.

“Duchess, I shall not leave this room until you tell me what is the matter,” Gerald stated, his tone firm yet compassionate.

Katherine continued to stare at him, her expression turning sad.

“Please, I can tell that you have been avoiding me the last day,” Gerald insisted softly, fearing that he might have frightened her.

He took a seat on the edge of her bed, looking deeply into her eyes.

“That’s not very fair, Your Grace,” Katherine said, to his surprise. He had not expected her to be upset with him. “You have been avoiding me from the moment I set foot in Powell Manor, but when I am trying to have some peace of mind, it is seen as a problem?”

Gerald looked at her intensely, before looking down at his shoes. She was right, and he didn’t quite like that. Perhaps he should be honest about his feelings for once.

“I understand.” He sighed, knowing he was at fault. “And I am aware that it appears highly hypocritical. I just thought—” he paused for a moment, unsure how to word his next sentence. “I just thought that we have developed some kind of connection with one another. I am well aware that that goes well against everything I said at the beginning, but I have found comfort in you. I enjoy conversing with you—it makes my day a little better each time.”

Katherine’s expression softened, her eyebrows relaxing. She looked at him, and for a moment, Gerald thought that she might cry.

“You are the most difficult person to understand, Your Grace,” Katherine said with a sigh, but a faint smile tugged at her lips.

“I am well aware of that.” He nodded.

He had, indeed, been aware of the fact that he had always been a difficult person, but Katherine was the only one who appeared to understand him despite his difficult attitude.

“But I must ask. Is there anything that I have done that might have upset you? If yes, do tell.”

Katherine opened her mouth, only to close it. Instead, she shook her head, her expression as confused as he felt.

“No, you have done nothing wrong. It’s more of an internal battle.” Katherine sighed. “I might try to explain it to you, but I fear I’ll sound silly.”

“I promise not to laugh too hard,” Gerald said jokingly, trying to lift her spirits. “You can tell me anything you want, I promise.”

Katherine looked at him, her expression showing that she was finally comfortable enough to share what was going on inside her head.

“Between Lady Louton berating me and calling me a cripple, and your mother’s absolute hatred of me, I couldn’t help but feel insecure. I fear that you see all my flaws in the way they see them. I fear that you, too, will come to think of me as a powerless cripple. It’s not true, I can promise you that. I might just not walk as fast or as easily as others do, but there are plenty of other things that I can do,” she said, pausing to take a deep breath.

“People don’t view me as normal, Your Grace, and I just fear that you’ll think that it might affect you, your family, or your title. I don’t want that. I thought, stupidly, that if I were to avoid you, you might forget my flaws. I just fear that you would start viewing me as others always had. I don’t want to be seen as a liability.”

Gerald looked at her, slightly at a loss for words. He had been expecting her to rant about how he might have looked at her funny or that he chewed noisily—average arguments that might have upset her, but he certainly had not expected this. He was so taken aback by her words that he had no idea what to say.

“I could not care less what the world says about you,” he said at last, his voice soft and tender. “I might fight them when I hear any mean comments they make about you, but none of their harsh words would ever have an influence on my opinion of you.”

“Do you promise, Your Grace?” Katherine asked, raising a concerned eyebrow.

Gerald nodded with a soft smile. “I promise. I view you as the person who I have gotten to know, despite my attempts to avoid that. And the person I have gotten the privilege of knowing is a gentle, kind soul who has been able to understand me better than any of my blood relatives. Better than any of my dear friends. And that puts you at the top of the list, Katherine. What list that might be, I am unsure, but you are at the top nonetheless.”

His palms became clammy suddenly. Had Katherine really been the first person who had made him nervous?

She smiled at him, and in that instance, Gerald felt the entire world fade away, leaving only Katherine and her beautiful smile.

Like a magnet, he felt himself drawing closer to her. She looked deeply into his eyes, and before they knew it, they were kissing. Lips on lips, Gerald’s hand on her cheek.

Gerald found himself drowning in a new world. A world where everything was sweet and soft, where he felt at his very most vulnerable. The kiss continued, and Katherine melted like ice into his hands.

That was when the realization that he felt vulnerable sent a shock up his spine. Reason kicked back in, and he was quick to break the kiss. To stand up and hover above her.

She looked at him with confusion, if not intensely hurt. “What’s the matter, Your Grace?” she asked, putting her hand on her mouth self-consciously.

Gerald wanted to tell her how beautiful the kiss was to him, how beautiful she was to him, but he couldn’t. He couldn’t allow himself to fall deeper into the hole he had already fallen into. He had to remind himself that it would be the best option for her. He couldn’t hurt her, but he knew eventually he would.

Thus, he had broken the kiss and found himself standing nervously in front of her, his instinct begging him to flee from the embarrassment.

“Your Grace?” Katherine prompted once again, her cheeks turning pink.

“I am sorry, but I cannot be your husband in this manner,” Gerald said, slightly out of breath. “I will always be there for you, I promise, but not like this. We cannot allow ourselves to repeat what had just happened.”

Tears welled up in Katherine’s eyes. “But why, Your Grace? Give me one good reason why.” A tear rolled down her left cheek.

Her pleading voice felt like a knife to the heart, but Gerald had to remain strong. To protect them both from any further hurt. He might not have minded if she were any other woman, but he surely would never dare hurt Katherine. And he felt that this was a slippery slope into a heap of hurt.

“Because I would hurt you,” he said, his voice monotone, again. He found that in this way, it was far easier for him to hide his true emotions and keep people at bay.

As soon as Katherine climbed out of bed, she pounded her fist against his chest. Gerald flinched but remained standing like a pillar impossible to knock over by the sharpest of blows. She hit him on the chest again. The again, and again, and again.

“There,” she cried, her tears streaming down her face. “Now I have hurt you. So, I dare you, Your Grace, hurt me as you believe you would by just being slightly affectionate.”

Gerald looked at her, her beautiful strands of hair sticking to her tear-streaked cheeks. Tears he had caused.

“Goodnight, Duchess,” Gerald uttered, starting to walk toward the door with his head lowered.

He could feel her eyes boring into his back. He could feel how hurt she was because he too felt deeply saddened. But he was doing the right thing to protect her.