40. Cecilia

40

CECILIA

R ainer's sword hit the marble floor with a deafening clang.

Panic rushed through Cecilia's blood at the sound. He had never dropped a weapon like that. There were only two reasons a warrior laid down his sword: when he was dead, or when he'd lost the will to fight.

She was frozen in fear as she frantically scanned him for injury. But there were no wounds in need of tending.

Cecilia's heart pounded as he walked toward her with certainty in his eyes. That was when she knew. He hadn't laid down his sword because he could no longer hold it. He'd let it go because he'd fought his last battle.

The relief of knowing that almost brought her to her knees.

He looked like vengeance felt—monstrous and perfect. But Rainer had looked pain and loss in the face and hadn't let it turn him into a monster—or, rather, it had forged him into her monster.

Rainer's hands and forehead were speckled with blood. He pulled a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped his face with it. His green eyes settled on her, assessing, looking her over for injuries in such a painfully familiar way it made her chest ache. She knew that panicked, wild look, but was terrified to believe he was truly in full guardian mode.

Facing him after all this time—after he had hated her, after he'd dragged her into the meditation booth and twisted her in knots with fear and desire, after she'd fought a battle without feeling him in her chest—Cecilia was afraid to look too closely and know that he still didn't remember.

Because if Rainer didn't know her now, it meant that she'd done too much, gone too deep, and ruined his mind and years of beautiful memories for good.

The thought was unbearable. It felt like the entire temple was holding its breath, all of their friends poised to see if he was finally on their side.

"Cece." His voice was so gentle that she took a step back, putting distance between them, her knees suddenly weak.

She didn't want to be too close when he didn't remember. She didn't want to be within reaching distance when her heart was broken. The closer she was, the harder it would be to put on a brave face.

"I remember," Rainer said. "I remember you."

The words were a lightning strike. Her heart, already pounding from the adrenaline of the fight, beat harder, trying to escape the prison of her ribs. She was afraid she might not survive a fall from such perilous heights, afraid he would have a charcoal outline of their lives but never enough to fill in the color.

Tears blurred her vision. "Prove it."

"Three times."

"What?"

"Three times you've asked me what I wished for when we watched the Summer Firestorm meteor shower during our last Gauntlet run. But each time I've refused to answer."

Cecilia stared at him, hands trembling.

He smiled, his eyes looking brighter and clearer than they had in weeks. "I remember exactly what I wished for that night. "

Cecilia couldn't breathe, certain that if she dared to feel relief it would be ripped away from her the moment she believed.

But Rainer looked certain . His face was full of love and fear instead of anger and confusion as it had been for weeks.

"That night I looked at you in the dark and I was so breathless with love for you, as always," he sighed, shaking his head. "You aren't supposed to be shocked by someone's beauty when you've beheld it every day for years. But you looked at that meteor shower with such wonder, even though we'd seen the same thing every year our whole lives. And I was struck by just how lovely and hopeful you were and I thought, I will love Cecilia Reznik until the stars fall. And if all those stars rained down I'd use every one to wish for the same thing ."

Several of the women in the front row gasped and Cecilia felt suddenly self-conscious that so many people were bearing witness to such an intimate moment.

Rainer took a step toward her. "That's where the idea for your story came from. I looked back up at the sky and I picked the brightest one. I repeated the wish I'd made every year since I knew what I wanted more than anything else. I wished to make all my wishes beside you. To weave all my stories with yours. I wished for all my good and bad days to be spent beside you, sharing the joys and burdens. I wished to spend every night for the rest of my life watching the stars blur while holding your hand."

Cecilia blinked away the burning in her eyes.

"I've wanted to tell you every day since, but I didn't for fear it wouldn't come true," Rainer continued. "But now there is no rule, no villain, no duty, and no magic that will keep me from you. I've known you were for me since the first moment I laid eyes on you and now I'd like to take you home and make it official."

Cecilia closed the space between them at a sprint and threw herself into his arms. The crowd in the temple broke into hushed murmurs.

"Please say that I can touch you," Rainer whispered into her hair.

"Yes," she mumbled. "But get me out of here because I don't want to cry in front of half the kingdom. "

Rainer wrapped his arms around her and walked out the side door of the temple.

Outside, the rush of city noise felt far away, muted by the snowy temple gardens. The sugared greenery passed in a blur through her teary eyes as Rainer carried her. He ducked around the side of the building into the temple yard, hidden away from the door by trellises covered in ivy and a snow-covered willow tree. He ducked beneath the tree's shelter and sat on a bench with her in his lap.

"Is this real?" she rasped. Her chest was clotted with relief and grief and joy and she couldn't get any other words out.

"I'm sorry it took me so long. Cece, you've been so brave, but you don't have to be brave anymore," Rainer whispered, smoothing her hair.

Her whole body shook with sobs. Rainer was so gentle with her. Stroking her hair, tucking her face into his neck. He murmured in her ear, "I could never forget you, Cece. Not for long. I was afraid to remember because of what happened right before. I felt this aching guilt I didn't understand."

"I did that," she croaked. "I knew your guilt would bury it, but you really made me sweat it."

Rainer shook his head, his eyes bright with pain. "I failed you. I'm so sorry that I couldn't stop him from hurting you that day. I?—"

"No." She made him meet her teary eyes. "You fought so hard. You were barely conscious but I felt you trying to reach me." She swallowed hard, not knowing how to explain herself.

No matter how Magdalena and Mika had tried to train it out of her, Cecilia still felt like she was having an extreme reaction to something that wasn't that bad. She'd done her best to unwind the thorny feelings, rip them from her insides to make it make sense, but Rainer could never fully understand, and she wasn't sure she wanted him to.

"Rain, he didn't do what you think. He just wanted you and Xander to think he did." She swallowed hard. "He just cut my thigh and broke my hand. He didn't—" The word had weight she was glad she didn't have to carry but was still hard to say. "He didn't hurt me that way. Just emotionally. "

Fury tore over Rainer's face. "He touched you when and where you didn't wish to be touched, and while I'm glad it did not go that far, I won't downplay what you've been through or how it's affected you." He shook his head and the crease between his brows softened.

She loved Rainer so much for the way he understood her, for the way he could be both fierce and gentle at the same time.

"I was terrified," she whispered. "I've never felt so stupid and helpless and humiliated. My body didn't fight. I was just frozen."

He kissed her temple. "You were afraid. You can't blame yourself. You have nothing to be ashamed of."

Rainer tilted her chin up and she tried to keep her lower lip from trembling. It was such a relief to hear those words from his mouth. She could not feel him in her chest, but she felt the conviction in his words.

"I'm sorry I wasn't there," he said.

She met his gaze, his eyes glassy with unshed tears. "You were. You were with me the whole time. I felt you trying to tell me—" Her voice broke and she took a shuddering breath. "I felt you trying to tell me that I wasn't alone. I was so relieved and also I wanted to protect you from it."

The moment was burned in her brain. It was an act of love more profound than her placing the dagger in his hands on the beach and taking his place in death. She'd made that decision out of selfishness, but Rainer had been thinking only of her when he fought to keep their connection open. He'd been in so much pain, but still he fought to take hers—to remind her that he was there, that he always would be. He'd held her suspended, all her love and terror anchored through their bond. Rainer offered her something to hold on to when she was slipping away.

Cecilia clung to him, trying and failing to pull together words to express how much it meant to her that he'd done that and then relived it all over again to get his memories back.

"I'll keep you safe now. We're going home," Rainer whispered.

Cecilia collapsed against him, her relief so intense all her muscles went lax at once, his comfort soothing away her tension .

Rainer squeezed her tighter. "I missed you so much, even if I didn't know what I was missing. I'm taking you home and I'm not leaving your side for the next year. I don't care how annoyed you get."

She laughed, so relieved that she could finally talk about it—Rainer remembering on his own must have broken the bargain.

"I really thought you were going to marry someone else—that you wanted to. How do you remember?"

Rainer met her eyes. "I told you that I wouldn't be able to forget you and I couldn't. I told you I'd fall in love with you again and I did." He looked away. "I don't remember everything. There are holes in the story. But I remember the first time I saw you. I remember the day we were bonded and our first kiss. I remember the forest and the poison arrows, the beach and the dagger. I remember a hundred times your courage amazed me. Maybe in time I'll remember the rest little by little."

She kissed him frantically. "I'll help you remember. Every time we find a gap in your memory I will color it in. Can I ask you something?"

Rainer swallowed hard and nodded.

"Why did you never tell me who your birth father was?" she asked, cupping his face in her hands.

Rainer flushed and looked away. "I was embarrassed. He was so brave and I'm so terrified all the time. I couldn't even face the memory of you being hurt—I almost married someone I didn't care about because of it. I wanted to prove that I was worthy of Zelden Novaris's legacy. How could I face you, the most courageous person I know, and admit that I fell so short?" He shook his head. "When Vincent had you in his arms, I confessed how we avoided Cato's influence to save you, but no one heard me. I have always been weak. I didn't want to live in my father's shadow, but I still managed to put myself there in my own mind."

Rainer had always had such a warped view of himself, but his admission left Cecilia breathless. "You don't think Zelden—your father—would be proud? You've always protected me. You got me through the Gauntlet in one piece. "

"Barely," Rainer said morosely.

"But you did. More importantly, you kept me together mentally, Rainer. You've collected all the pieces each time I've fallen apart and helped me put myself back together. You've been so gentle with me—loving me even when I made it difficult. I think he would be proud of your kindness—the way you know when to fight, when to push on, and when to surrender. Just because you're not standing on the front lines against the god of war doesn't mean you fall short."

"I didn't even save you today," Rainer said.

Cecilia smiled at him. "You save me every day. You're saving me right now."

She kissed him, soft and slow, and everything slid back into place. His hands cradled her face, trembling as he tenderly brought her back into her body one kiss at a time. When he touched her, she didn't want to wither up. She didn't want to run. She wanted more.

Little by little her body warmed. A stirring in her chest made her pull away. It was as if the frayed ends of the bond still wrapped around her heart were waking up.

She drew back leaning her forehead against his. "You laid down your sword."

Rainer nodded. "It was time I stop fighting for someone else's cause. If I'm going to fight, it will be for myself."

Pride swelled in Cecilia's chest.

Rainer looked relieved but still sad. "I know I'm still missing so much."

"Like what?"

He ran a hand through his hair. "I don't remember most of our last Gauntlet trip."

She placed a hand on his cheek and closed her eyes, brushing gently against his mind. At first he flinched, no doubt from the memory of the last time she'd taken so much from him. But then the fear passed and he let her in.

Cecilia pulled up the memory of their argument in the woods right before they split up, when she'd wanted him to love her so badly but he would not so much as kiss her. The next day they'd separated for the first time ever, which had led to Rainer's capture and her and Xander falling in love.

But it wasn't until she'd taken the memory from him months before that she'd felt his desperation in that moment. He'd wanted her just as badly, perhaps even more than she'd wanted him, but he was terrified of losing her.

They watched the whole event play out. Cecilia's advances, Rainer's rejection, and their eventual parting ways.

For so long Cecilia's magic had been in service to everyone else. Now it felt like she was reclaiming it. She had yet to fully reclaim her body and mind, but once again her magic felt like her own.

She'd forgotten what it felt like to watch a memory simply because it was dear to her. She'd forgotten the intimacy of sharing it with someone else until Rainer blinked his eyes open and looked at her with so much love.

"You kept me," he whispered.

"I did."

He swallowed hard. "It's a lot to hold."

"It's a gift to hold. What a joy to hold the memories of the one you love, the roots of their story."

"I hate that I can't feel you. It reminds me—" His voice broke. "It reminds me of when you died."

"I could still feel you then," she said. "I hate that I can't now."

The feeling stirred again in her chest, like leaves reaching toward the sun.

"Raven Whitewind told me it would come back," Cecilia said. "She said that it's believed that soul bonds can always find their way back to each other. Like the magic becomes second nature, so much a part of them that the outside world cannot touch it. She said it would come back if we both wanted it."

Rainer leaned his forehead against hers, sighing. "I didn't know. Gods, I let you suffer so much. You took all the pain so I would hardly feel it."

She ran her fingers through his hair, covering his face with kisses. " I would do it again. But I miss our bond. I want it back. It's lonely without it."

Rainer lifted her hand to his mouth, kissing her engagement ring. "I'd make those vows again right here, right now."

"Do you remember the words?" Cecilia asked.

Those vows were private, but soon, she'd speak a different set of vows in front of all their friends and family.

Rainer nodded. He pressed his palms to hers the same way they had that day many years ago, holding her gaze.

"Today and every day for the rest of my life, I bind myself to you, Cecilia Reznik. I promise to protect and defend you and keep you safe from all threats. I pledge my sword and my life. I vow to be your partner in all things from this breath until my last. For the wisdom to know that power is best when shared." The corner of his lips kicked up in a half-smile. "For the memory of our mistakes, so as to not make the same ones again. For the magic to restore the peace and prosperity to the kingdom."

He nodded and Cecilia swallowed the lump in her throat. The last time she'd spoken those words, she was six years old and so unaware of the responsibility that came with them.

"Today and every day for the rest of my life, I bind myself to you, Rainer McKay. I promise to protect and defend you and keep you safe from all threats. I pledge my magic and my life. I vow to be your partner in all things from this breath until my last. For the wisdom to know that power is best when shared. For the memory of our mistakes, so as to not make the same ones again. For the magic to restore the peace and prosperity to the kingdom."

They waited, eyes locked, breath frozen in their lungs. She was afraid to believe and be let down again, afraid if it didn't return it would mean something in their love had been irreparably broken.

It started with a glimmer, like a cooling ember in her chest, starting to grow warmer again instead of burning out. It spread and grew until warmth flooded her whole chest and radiated down her arms, unspooling in familiar warm tingles, her whole body lit from within by their connection. The space around her heart felt incandescent, alive, the roots between their hearts reaching out and tangling around each other like the feral forest they were meant to be.

Cecilia let go of Rainer's hand and kissed him fiercely, pouring all of her fear and grief and anxiety into it. They passed things back and forth through the bond as if testing an injury after it healed, tentatively at first and then with great, sweeping rushes of love that left Cecilia sobbing in Rainer's arms once again.

Rainer held her as he always did when she felt too weak to hold herself, as she did for him. He placed her hand over his heart, cupping it between his palms, communicating with just their bond, with just the silent language they'd created.

That was how people held on to each other. Sometimes they just held pieces, sometimes the full weight. Sometimes, they shepherded each other along, helping one another avoid blind cliffs, and always finding their way back home.