29. Xander

29

XANDER

C ece sauntered into the library, a wide grin on her face as she sat across from Xander in front of the fire.

"You look like the cat that ate the canary, love," Xander said.

Truthfully, she looked pale and exhausted. Her eyes were shadowed with dark circles and her cheeks were hollowed. She looked how he felt being cut off from his magic, but it seemed the stress had made her lack of appetite worse than his.

Xander had spent hours trying to figure out how the temple would be set up for the wedding so they could strike with minimal casualties, but he was frustrated that all he could really do was guess where Vincent would seat his supporters.

"I brought a present." Cece bent down, slipped a rolled-up paper out of her dress pocket, and handed it to him.

Xander unrolled it and stared at the crude drawing. For a moment he couldn't make sense of the boxes and names. Then he saw the aisle and the altar and it clicked into place.

He stared at Cece. "This is the seating map for Rainer's wedding."

"It is."

"How on earth did you get it? "

"Long story and I might have missed a name or two. I had to do it from actual memory, not enhanced memory, but I think I got everyone who we suspect might be working with Vincent. Can you find a way to get it to Evan?"

The tension in Xander's chest relaxed ever so slightly. He hadn't realized how much he needed a win after royally fucking up with Isla.

"You're brilliant. I don't know what I'd do without you," he said. "We are so close. We just need to know if Corin Archer is an ally. Just because he didn't share the location we gave him with Vincent, doesn't mean he's on our side."

"We might have to take a gamble," Cece said.

Xander scrubbed a hand down his face. He had hoped they wouldn't. "I suppose you're right. Now what did you get up to today and why do you look so pleased with yourself?"

"I may have been forced to share all of Rainer's sexual preferences with Lady Spellman." She smirked and stretched. "I may have oversold some and undersold others."

"Is that all?"

"I may have suggested that he has a very strong preference for anal," she said smugly.

Xander lost it. He laughed until his stomach hurt. He could not remember the last time he'd done that.

"I also may have had her fiancé's cock in my mouth last night," Cece said.

Xander shook his head. "You are a menace with a filthy mouth."

"I am." She grinned. "But aren't you glad I'm a menace who's on your side?"

"Never more than at this moment. Where did you find the time? Was this after the wedding?"

She nodded. "Don't get too excited. He still doesn't remember anything from before, but he won't soon forget last night."

Xander chuckled. "Gods, I needed that laugh."

He was relieved to see her looking more like herself. It was good to see her smiling. The look on her face that night weeks ago still haunted him. Sometimes he hardly recognized this Cece as the woman he'd first met on the dance floor at the Godsball years before. Back then she'd been so uncertain of herself and so afraid to ask for what she wanted. But sometimes he saw flashes of mischief in her eyes, joy in her smile that brought him right back to that moment. The woman who sat before him now had earned her conviction.

Cece leaned back in her chair, eyes narrowing on him. "Why do you need a laugh? What's on your mind?"

"You mean other than the fact that the woman who brought me into this world, who has served my family for a generation, was killed? More than me getting yet another person loyal to me hurt?"

"Xan." Her face softened and she placed her hand on his. "We all know what we are risking, and we are doing it for the same reasons you are. You cannot take it on?—"

"I'm king. It is my job to take it on. I can't help feeling—" A lump in his throat choked him. "I can't help feeling responsible, but beyond that I can't help feeling that I'm not worth it. I was never under the illusion that my father was a nice man, but I thought he had limits. Now I find myself about to become a father and terrified I will be the same."

Cece didn't know the truth of his parentage, but not sharing blood with Damian didn't keep Xander from worrying about how his attitudes might have bled into Xander's subconscious. And one too many times in the past year he'd thought about just running away, which was essentially what his birth father Arthur Randal had done.

Xander had the blood of an absent father and the nurturing of a callous one. He wanted to forge his own path, but he was worried that he could easily slip into the well-trodden path of either of those men.

"Oh, Xan." Cece pulled him into a tight hug. "You are a better man than your father could have dreamed of being. You are not just him. You are also your mother. Never once have I seen a hint of your father in you, but I have seen her almost daily. In your kindness, in the fierce way you love, in your protectiveness and loyalty. Do you remember what you said to me when I was afraid I'd be a brutal, careless goddess? "

He frowned, trying to recall the moment, wishing he had access to his magic to watch the memory.

"You said not to judge myself for mistakes I made when I was still learning how to be in that role. You said the fact that the fear of becoming that brutal kept me up at night was a clear sign that I had learned something from my mistake. What happened to Mags—" Her voice broke, her eyes glassy with tears. "I feel it too. I feel responsible too—like I traded one life for another. But I know she wouldn't have it any other way. Sometimes the best we can do when we are the person with the most power is trust that the people we love deserve the same agency over their lives to decide what is worth sacrificing for."

Xander sighed.

She shook her head. "Do you have any idea how many times I wanted to collect all of you and hide you somewhere safe when Cato was after me? Daily, hourly—every single minute, Xan. But at some point, I had to admit I couldn't do it on my own and none of you would let me. I thank the gods you didn't. What a beautiful thing to have people who won't let you be alone even when the risks are terrifying."

Xander wrung his hands. "But how do I live with it?"

"You remind yourself it's not about you. It's about everyone else. I came here for answers and to finish what we started and because I owed it to everyone who sacrificed. Because I'm a woman of my word and I promised your mother that I would protect you. And because when I stood in that temple with you I promised to fight with you and for you." She squeezed his hand. "We endure because the work is not done."

He nodded. "Love, you can be very compelling."

She flipped her hair over her shoulder. "Yes, well, I've had the practice of giving myself pep talks in the mirror each morning." She patted his hand. "Now, do you want to tell me what's really wrong?"

He laughed, shaking his head. "How do you do that?"

A satisfied smile split her face. "Do what?"

"Read me in that unnerving way of yours. "

"Well, I had to make a quick study of you since you had a head start. Couldn't have you keeping the upper hand for long." She gestured broadly to his face. "This face says, Cece, help. My wife's decoy is not impressed with my nonsense ."

Xander ran a hand through his hair. "I fear I may have ruined things with Isla."

Cece smiled at him knowingly.

"You aren't jealous?" It wasn't that he wanted her to be, but he'd struggled so much with jealousy that it felt like if she didn't feel it, then what they'd had wasn't as equitable as he'd remembered.

"I suppose part of me always will be a bit jealous," Cece admitted. "But it's selfish not to want the absolute best for you. You deserve someone wonderful. How did you mess up?"

"I asked her to be my consort and she was insulted."

Cece frowned. "She was insulted that you asked her to take a place of privilege?"

Xander frowned and looked away.

"How exactly did you ask, Xander?"

He sighed. "I may have asked when I was overcome by a particularly intense moment in bed."

Cece clapped a hand to her forehead, looking horrified. "Xander!"

He threw his hands up. "I know, I know! I panicked. I barely had any blood flow in my head—at least the thinking one. I can't be held responsible for the things I say when I'm overcome with lust."

"Don't I know it," she said. "You are so fucked."

The curse startled him. She swore so rarely outside the bedroom, but on this occasion it was appropriate.

"I am. She is incredibly self-assured, and I am out of my element. How do I fix it?"

"You tell her what an idiot you were. You tell her that you care for her. And you would like the opportunity to make her a better offer when you're not inside her. A respectful one, befitting the station of a consort, especially one who I'm sure has no intention of sitting around like a pampered lady. "

Xander sighed. "I think she's upset that I can't love her like I loved you."

Cece smiled sadly. "Every love is different. Instead of telling her what you can't give her, why don't you focus on what you can?"

"Like what?"

Cece shook her head. "I can't tell you. You have to figure it out for yourself. You can give her grown-up love. You can give her what's left. You can give her respect, attention, humor, companionship—romance if you pull your head out of your ass and stop thinking with your favorite appendage."

"Your favorite too, if I'm not mistaken," he said with a wink.

"Your new favorite is going to be your right hand unless you get your shit together," she taunted. "Isla wants to be won over—not by a performance. You're clearly taken with her. Just be honest. Be vulnerable. Don't fuck this up, Xander. She's good for you."

Xander nodded.

She kissed his cheek and turned to leave, pausing in the doorway. "Also, it never hurts to show up with flowers or jewelry, though in her case, I'd choose something heartfelt and not just flashy. And you have unique access to her closest family member. Use it."

His mind instantly flew to his mother's sapphire ring, the same one he'd once given Cece.

"Love, you are brilliant."

She turned, pinning him with those big, blue eyes. "I know."

Then she ducked into the passageway and out of the room.

Xander tucked the scroll she'd delivered inside his tunic and left through the passageway that led back toward his rooms. After the assassination attempts, Isla had made him agree not to leave his room without her unless he was taking the passages. She'd made herself scarce since their fight—still appearing beside him in an official capacity, but she'd barely said a word to him and had slept in the adjoining room at night.

Xander walked down the darkened passageway until he reached the bend and took a narrow, uneven staircase up to his floor. He walked the rest of the way in silence, trying to figure out how to start this conversation with Jessamin. She'd seemed open to the idea of him and Isla, but being amicable and being enthusiastic to help were two very different things.

Xander pushed open the door and entered the room. It felt lonely, the fire burning low, the space nearly absent of Isla's scent.

Xander crossed the room and knocked on the door to the princess's quarters and was beckoned inside by his wife's voice. He entered and searched the room, at first disappointed to find that Isla wasn't there, then worried.

"Where's Isla?"

"Training," Jessamin said. She and Maren locked eyes, some unspoken conversation passing between them.

"She felt like she was getting too soft without her daily workouts, so she went down to your private training rooms via the passages," Maren said.

Xander had noticed that, though his wife's consort had her fiery moments, she was quick to comfort and spare someone's feelings. Perhaps that was why Jessamin had fallen for her in the first place.

Xander couldn't get used to Jessamin's disguise and it startled him to hear her voice come from someone else's face. Still, he was happy for the safety of her disguise.

"How are you feeling this afternoon, darling?" He crossed the room and placed his hand on her shoulder.

Jessamin smacked him away. "I'm feeling fine. Just tired and nauseous, like every other day. And sick of all of you constantly asking how I'm feeling." She pressed a palm to her stomach. "He's going to be strong. I can tell."

Xander grinned. "He?"

Jessamin nodded. "Just a feeling I have. Perhaps he'll be a Storm Prince like his father. And hopefully not an incessant worrying gnat, like his Auntie Maren."

The redheaded guard rolled her eyes at the barb, returning to her perch by the window.

"Does the thought of a baby boy please you?" Jessamin asked .

"It pleases me that it's a healthy baby. I could care less about gender," Xander said.

Jessamin clapped her hands. "I suspect it would be best for you if it wasn't a girl. I think she'd have you wrapped around her finger in a second."

Xander grinned at the thought of a little girl with his hazel eyes and his wife's smile. "Gods help us both if it's a girl. She'll be as charming as me and as beautiful as you, and as deadly as the both of us. The world won't be ready."

Jessamin's laugh rang through the room, relaxing the tension in his shoulders.

"What's on your mind? You've been wandering around like a lost child since Evan and Sylvie's wedding," she said.

Xander hesitated. She'd probably already heard Isla's side of the story.

"I made a mistake with Isla that I am eager to fix, but I wanted your opinion, and before I tell you what I did, Cece already berated me for my idiocy, so I promise I don't need to hear it again. I just need to know what to do to fix it."

He regaled Jessamin with his supreme foolishness, but she just laughed when he was finished.

"Look how you are tied in knots for my cousin," Jessamin chuckled. "Goddess bless, I never thought I'd see the day after how lovesick you were over Cece when we first met."

"I want to give Isla this," he said, handing Jessamin the ring box. "And I want to ask her to be my consort. I like how I feel when I'm with her. I like that she challenges me. I like that she doesn't care who I am. And gods, I know that it's difficult to take me seriously because I fall fast and hard, but I want her to stay with me always and not just at the whims of your mother. I want to make promises to her that go beyond what you and I have promised, if she'll have me."

Jessamin smiled warmly. "Isla has always been stubborn and competitive. She doesn't like to feel she's second to anyone, but you and I know that there is no accounting for first love. Tell her how you feel, what you can offer, and be willing to accept that it might not be enough. But also, be willing to hope that it could be. Put yourself at her mercy and just be yourself. Not the performing Xander, though he is very charming. If you want her, you have to let her see you weak."

Xander scrubbed a hand over his face. "Have I ever been weaker?"

"Many people would say I traded a position of power for one of weakness, you know," Jessamin said.

Xander frowned. "Who? Why?"

"Warriors at home saw that I surrendered a position leading the Novumi army to come here and be some man's wife. They look at me and think I traded myself into a kingdom where my only power comes from my husband. They see what is in front of them—not all the possibilities." Jessamin looked across the room at Maren. "At home I could not be with the woman I love. I could lead an army that would likely never see any action. The life I saw in front of me was small and stifling. Coming here opened up so many possibilities. What people at home can't see is that here, I can change the world for women. I can have a huge impact on two kingdoms' worth of power structures. I can help you strategize."

Xander liked the sound of that.

"I could have stayed safe on the shores of my home," she continued. "But I would have never met you and I wouldn't have known that I could be my full self. I have the love and the family I always wanted, and the opportunity to make a difference in this world. Our partnership has changed the course of my life for the better and I have every intention of making waves."

Xander nodded. "Much-needed waves, Jess. My storms are at your disposal."

Jessamin patted his hand. "What I'm saying to you is that you can stay safe where you are, or you can take the risk and know that you are heading into completely uncharted territory. I seem to remember finding you in a panic over your broken heart shortly after we first met. Have you let her see more than your brave face?"

Xander sighed. Could he really go there again? Lay himself bare on the altar of vulnerability and hope that Isla liked what she saw? He'd already offered her a secret no one else had; what more could he share?

He remembered how he'd felt with Cece. Torn open, raw, living every day like he was daring love to wound him. It was terrifying to think of risking it again. It still felt too soon, but if he didn't act now, he might miss his chance and he'd never forgive himself if he didn't at least try.