2. The Most Beautiful Girl in An Elf Costume

2

THE MOST BEAUTIFUL GIRL IN AN ELF COSTUME

PROVENZA, KAROL G

Alex

Who goes to a tourist town the week before Christmas? Me, I guess. Why? Well because my friends are trying to get me to enjoy life again. Their words, not mine.

I drive around the narrow Centre Street full of cars parked on each side, watching people walking in and out of stores and crossing without a care in the world. Fuck. I hate Christmas. I hate the chaos, the lines, the overspending, and how commercial it all is. I hate that it is not even a season anymore, it’s just Christmas and Santa, and elves and presents. It’s not about family and time spent with others; it’s about how much you can get or what others get that you didn’t. Jealousy and frenzy surround everything—it’s constant from Halloween until after Valentine’s Day.

When I was a kid, this time of year was about magic and family time. It was about baking cookies, drinking hot cocoa or cider, and singing songs. It wasn’t this craze of how much money we can spend to say sorry to our kids for missing out. Or to show them love via toys. Or even worse, to gift them all the things that we never could have when we were kids. I’m sure parents mean well, but really, shit’s gotta stop. I even feel bad saying anything to anyone because I’m not a dad myself so I really shouldn’t talk, but damn it. I’m tired of it.

I see a parking spot open on the far-end corner and hit my blinker, signaling I’m going in. As soon as I try to turn, this little blue Mazda2 zooms through like a bullet and parks. I hit the horn, and the driver just sticks their hand out and flips me off. I wait to see who had the fucking nuts to do something like that. I drive an Escalade and that little Mazda2 looks like a matchbox compared to my SUV.

The door opens and I’m expecting a raging dude, but instead I get the most beautiful girl I have ever seen—in an elf costume. She’s as short as her car, with curves that seem to go for miles. Her dress fits every inch of her. Her beautiful chestnut hair falls over her shoulders. She’s shouting at me but I’m too dumbfounded by how stunning she is to even acknowledge anything. I hear a horn behind me, waking me up from my stupor and before I know it, she has stomped away. She’s walking fast down the sidewalk, disappearing into the sea of people holding bags of presents.

I continue to search for a parking spot, still thinking about the brief moment I saw her. I can’t shake the feeling that I’m… smitten. What’s wrong with me? Playing in the NFL for years, it wasn’t unusual for me to be around pretty women. It was actually the opposite. I often had pretty women on my lap or in my bed. But there’s something about this girl that shook me to my core. Maybe it was her pretty eyes or the sass she gave me over the parking spot she stole .

I drive around in the sea of vehicles, honking their horns in this chaotic maze where nobody has patience anymore. Everyone’s restless, and with each corner I turn, hoping I’ll find a spot seems unreal.

I’m about to call it quits and head back to the house when I see someone pulling out of their spot. I wait patiently as they leave, and then park my SUV. Stepping out, I head to The Salty Gator where I’m supposed to meet my friends.

Entering, I immediately notice how much cheerfulness is in the air. If outside was madness, this is sanity. Families share time and space. There’s a group of friends laughing, music playing in the background, and a football game is on the TV. And at the back corner table is the cute little elf from earlier, sitting across from a man who looks like his idea of fun is getting drunk on champagne at events where everyone pretends to like each other but nobody truly does. He is also dressed like an elf, but where it suits her, he seems out of place.

“Alex!” I hear someone shout and I scan the dark-lit restaurant to find my friends Jake, Nick, Bobby, and Mason sitting at a high-top table facing the TV and the elf’s table. I let the hostess know my friends are already there and walk toward the back until I reach their table.

“What’s up, man!” Jake greets me, lifting his beer and pointing my way.

“Same shit, different smell,” I reply, patting Nick on the back and nodding at the rest of the guys. We all played football in high school together, and somehow we’re all back in Baker Oaks. Some by choice, some by life. Jake had an injury in high school that killed his career, so he never made it to college or pro ball. Nick played in college for a couple years, but he stopped when his girl Natalie got pregnant with their daughter and he needed to work when he wasn’t in school. They’re still together and have one of the healthiest relationships I’ve seen. They’re a breath of fresh air. Bobby, Mason, and I played our whole college career but I was the only one drafted.

Football was my heart and soul until two years ago when a bad hit broke my femur. A couple surgeries later, I was on the mend before an infection took over, benching me for longer than anticipated. After that, there was no going back. I have full mobility but not enough strength to go back and play. So, in the end, we’re all just a bunch of ex-athletes with new lives ahead of us. At least they do; I’m still trying to figure out what the hell to do with mine.

I take a seat on the stool, my eyes straying to the pretty brunette in the corner. If she’s on a date with him, it must be new because I can tell she’s uncomfortable. Her shoulders are tense and her hands are closed fists at her sides. He looks at her when he talks but I can’t tell how she’s reacting since her back is to me.

“How was everyone’s day?” I ask, trying to snap out of it by asking trivial questions. Before anyone responds, we hear a loud scraping noise; when we turn to look, we see the girl standing up, almost shouting at this guy. If I was closer, I could probably hear what she’s saying but I can soon deduce that she’s pissed and the conversation is over. She grabs a snowflake with a strap—a purse maybe?—and marches out of the restaurant.

I turn back to the table and find the guys preoccupied with the TV, not as interested in the disaster date unfolding near us.. They make a few comments but I can’t hear anything. All I can think about is figuring out who this girl is and what happened back there. I close my eyes and squeeze them tight before shaking it off and falling into conversation with my friends.

“Are you going to the market tomorrow?” Nick asks as we stand on the corner of Center and First, waiting for the train to pass so we can cross to the parking lot.

“Christmas Market in Baker sounds like all my nightmares coming true, so that’s a hard pass for me, dog.”

“The girls would love to see you if you decide to get over your Scrooge spirit and come out.”

I love Natalie and Bella, and if there are two people who could talk me into going out on a day completely filled with holiday cheer—obnoxious holiday cheer—it’s them.

“I’ll try but I won’t promise, so don’t tell them anything.”

“Good to see you, Alex. Call me tomorrow if you make it,” Nick says and turns toward his truck as I keep walking straight toward mine. The sun has set already but it’s not deep into the night. The stars and the moon shine bright and, when combined with the streetlight, I can see the parking lot clearly and the marina beyond. I can also see a certain sassy-parking-spot-stealer-elf sleeping on the bench across from the water.

I make a split-second decision to go check on her. Amelia Island is usually safe, but that doesn’t change the fact that she’s a woman sleeping on a bench, at night, alone. I approach her as quietly as I can, being careful not to scare her. Because after all, I imagine I’m a tall and scary motherfucker if you don’t know me.

A fact the press had no problem in reminding me and everyone who will listen. Stay away from Alex Haddock. Alex Haddock, womanizer on the street. Alex Haddock makes another scene at a bar. What the press doesn’t know is that I haven’t had a drink in years. I barely go anywhere, let alone bars, and I haven’t been with a woman in a long time. It’s hard to date anyone when everyone just remembers you as Haddock the Quarterback, not Alex the man. It gets old quickly, so I’m sure I’m destined to die alone.

She’s sleeping on this bench completely at ease. She looks peaceful, without a care in the world. Almost like she had been helping Santa distribute toys and was too tired from working all day so she collapsed here. Her skin is covered in goosebumps, though, so I take off my hoodie and cover her. She wiggles until she’s comfortable and stills. There’s not another bench for me to sit on but I find a big rock against a palm tree, giving me the perfect spot to sit down and keep an eye on her.