29. Kyle

Crabby: You could just ask me this like a normal person…

Me: GIF of Jimmy Fallon saying he is shocked

Me: Are you saying you don’t love my daily messages?

Crabby: I just figured you would stop now that you’re home.

Me: Do they make you smile or laugh?

Crabby: Well yeah.

Me: Then I will do them every day until the end of time.

Angel Boy: So what’s the deal with Harper?

Me: Mine.

Me: She’s mine.

Angel Boy: Okay caveman. I’m married. Not looking. Chill the fuck out.

Me: Why ask that way?

Angel Boy: I know something, and I feel like if I were you, I’d want to know. So I think I should tell you.

Me: …

Me: You said that ten fucking minutes ago.

Me: WTF? It’s been an hour?

Angel Boy: Sorry got distracted.

Angel Boy: Zara is ranting about something Harper did.

Me: Angel Boy I swear my patience is about to run out.

Angel Boy: I’m trying to tell you. Chill out.

Me: What did Harper do?

Angel Boy: Would you give me ten fucking seconds to type a reply?

Angel Boy: Harper sold a family heirloom to pay for Piper’s therapies. Zara thinks we need to track it down.

Me: Answer my call.

Angel Boy: Give me five minutes to get away from the wife. She’s got a short fuse lately and she’ll freak out if she knows I told you. Plus she’s pissed about the game tomorrow. She and I were supposed to have a date night and I forgot.

Me: Dude skip the game. Go out with your girl.

Angel Boy: Who are you? For months you’ve given us all shit for skipping boys’ night.

Me: I’m reformed. I get it now.

Angel Boy: But I’m coming to the game. Zara said forget it. So if I force the issue it will make us both miserable.

Me: I have a job for us.

Me: It’s going to suck.

Cam: What else is new?

Me: GIF of a man rolling his eyes

Me: You have the best job and the best boss.

Cam: …

Me: How am I not the best?

Cam: Is this really the job you want me to do? Tell you how you’re not the best?

Me: GIF of a dude flipping off the camera

Me: Call me.

Crabby: You’re going to be crushed but I have an IEP meeting so Zara is bringing Sam today.

Me: Photo of Kyle in a green shirt making a pouting face.

Crabby: With a smile and wink that shirt would melt anyone into a puddle.

Me: Video of Kyle winking at the camera.

Dumpty added Dragon to Baseball Bros

Dumpty: Sorry man but you gotta see this.

Dumpty: Pic of a man’s hands decorated in Revs blue polish

Bambi: Whoa! How did you get that done

Dumpty: Not me. That’s Streaks.

New Guy: nail polish??

Me: Piper did them for me. I dare any of you assholes to make a comment.

Angel Boy: She did a great job.

Dumpty: Yeah no I wasn’t mocking them.

Bambi: Can she do mine?

Dragon: Piper is cute. She’s got talent. Glad you’re happy.

Dragon left Baseball Bros

Bambi: I think that was Avery. That was too many words for Dragon.

Dumpty: Dude I just said that.

Angel Boy: He did.

New Guy: Wait…did you guys not invite me to the hockey game tonight?

Me: Pic of Dumpty, Angel Boy, and Bambi at the Bolts game.

New Guy: You all suck.

Crabby: You are so weird about people touching your hair.

Me: Not you. I love when your hands are in my hair when you’re riding my cock. The little moan that you whisper in my ear while I suck on your perfect tits.

Crabby: Breakfast with the kids is not sexing time.

Me: But I miss you. I haven’t seen you in days.