Chapter 13

CHAPTER13

Edward wondered how many times he would be standing in front of these doors, unable to open them.

Every time he had come, filled with courage at this feat, he could feel all that boldness slowly seep out of his heart, leaving emptiness and cowardice. He hated himself for it. He hated himself for the man he had become, the man who lacked courage, determination, for being the mere shadow of who he once was. He despised himself.

"Edward?" he suddenly heard Leah’s voice behind him.

He turned around, cutting her with his gaze. "What are you doing here?" he demanded, instantly realizing how sharp his voice sounded. But the expression in Leah’s eyes made him all the more repentant. She could not have known. He had never taken her to this wing of the mansion. He had not even mentioned it, although he was certain that she could guess why.

"I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to pry," she said, immediately taking a step back defensively. "I shall leave you alone."

Alone. The word echoed inside his mind. That was the only thing he did not want to be right now.

"No, don’t–" he called out to her, just as she had already turned around, intent on leaving him. "I didn’t mean it like that. I was just... surprised to see anyone else here."

She stopped mid-step, unwilling to approach him. But at least, she was still there. He did not drive her away, which was still a possibility. Sometimes he wondered what she was still doing here, with him. While it was true that her reputation needed to be saved, they could have a marriage just on paper. She could be living in a whole different place from him, and they would meet each other perhaps three or four times per year, if anything was outstanding. After all, it was not unheard of. It was not the sort of marriage he had hoped to have, but then again, this was not the situation he ever thought he would find himself in.

"This room is sealed," he said, turning to the door that had not been opened in more months than he was willing to count. Not that counting helped him in any way. "No one goes in there."

"Not even the servants?" she wondered, her words obviously carefully chosen not to antagonize him further.

He remembered how he held her hand through the night. She allowed him this privilege. He wanted her to feel safe with him, and he was certain that he was managing to do that. Now, however, he was snapping at her for doing nothing other than appear in a place he didn’t expect her to. He couldn’t allow that.

"Not even the servants," he repeated. "I have ordered it sealed."

He wanted to tell her all about the room. He wanted to tell her that he didn’t need to go inside, because he knew exactly what it looked like. Nothing had changed. He refused to allow anyone to go inside, including himself. It had to remain as it was. He wanted to tell her all that, but he couldn’t, just like he could not force himself to go inside.

"Is that–" she dared to ask, but she could not finish the sentence. She glanced in the direction of the door.

"Yes," he nodded heavily, as if his head was too heavy to be carried on his shoulders. "I have not been inside since that night."

"Why?" she asked.

He frowned. Sometimes, she asked questions which had obvious answers. He wondered why she did that.

"Because of what happened," he replied.

"Don’t you think that exactly because of what happened, you ought to go back inside?" she asked again, defiantly.

There was a fearless side to her, that much he was certain of. It was obviously a trait she had inherited from her mother. She refused to bow down before anyone, and when she wanted to know something, she asked. Also, when she thought she could help, she helped, regardless of the consequences. He could not help but admire such traits in a woman, especially in the world they lived in, which favored silent, obedient women.

He had never been like that for the very simple reason that his parents had taught him better than that. His own father had chosen to marry his wife not only because she was beautiful, but because she was able to carry a conversation with him, daring his mind to go to lengths it never went to with a woman. This made their marriage all the better, because they were equal partners in everything, and not a powerful man with an obedient wife.

Now, Leah was daring him to enter. "Would you do it?" he suddenly asked her.

"I have visited the place of my mother’s death many times." Her answer surprised him.

"How come?" he could not help but ask.

"Because that is the place where she drew her last breath," Leah explained softly. "Just because of that, it has become sacred for me."

"Don’t you hate it?"

"I hate whoever did this to her," Leah corrected him. Sometimes, the way her mind worked surprised him beyond comprehension. "I do not hate the place itself. Why would I?"

He didn’t answer that, although she was making sense. He turned toward the locked door. "This has always been my home," he finally continued. "When they died... this home died with them. This is just an empty mansion now."

"Then there should be nothing to fear behind those doors," she suggested. "Nothing that should have any power over you."

Everything she said made so much sense. He hated it. He hated that she was giving him all the right reasons to finally overcome this fear and open this door. Instinctively, he pressed his trouser pocket. The key was inside. It was always inside. He carried it with himself at all times, as if he might suddenly decide to unlock the door. That never happened.

"Come," she suddenly said, approaching him, and standing by his side so that their shoulders were touching. "Look at the door. It is just a door to a room, a room you have decided to be afraid of. There is nothing but a single bad memory inside. A horrible one. The worst one. But this mansion is filled with so many others. Do not let those beautiful memories suffer over this one."

Her voice was soft and soothing. He suspected that she could tell him to go to the end of the world, and he would gladly listen. He was falling in love with this beautiful, mesmerizing woman, and he did not deserve to have her love him back. How could she ever love a coward, a mere shadow of a man?

He almost succumbed to these feelings, when unexpectedly, a little voice urged him not to give up. It was a voice unlike any other he had ever heard, but it was telling him all the right things, all the things he needed to hear right now.

He slid his hand into his pocket and extracted the key. He showed it to her. She was smiling, then she gave him a sympathetic nod. He placed the key in its position with a trembling hand. He still could not believe that he was doing it, almost as if an invisible hand was guiding his own, as he was unlocking the door. The second click meant it was open. He could turn the doorknob.

He swallowed heavily. One second felt like an entire hour. He knew that the longer he waited, the more afraid he would be. Then, he felt Leah’s gentle squeeze on his upper arm.

"I’m here," she whispered gently. That was enough for him to reach for the doorknob and push the door open.

The stale smell instantly permeated their nostrils. He tried to turn away, but it was everywhere. The room needed to be aired. It also needed to be cleaned. It needed to be repaired. He wanted it to be as it was before it all happened. It would not change the past, but it would have a positive impact on the present.

"This is where it happened," he said, looking about. He tried to banish the onslaught of memories that came at him, biting at his heart one at a time. It was more painful than he could imagine, but he knew he had to push through.

Leah walked around the room, stepping on soot-filled floorboards. Her every step made a small puff of smoke appear around her feet. The windows were all gray with dust, apart from that one which was half broken from the inside. A part of the green curtain still hung to the side, the hems black, as if small dark teeth were nibbling on them little by little.

When he closed his eyes, flashes of red appeared before them, like flickers of that fire which he could not forget, not even for a single moment. That was all he remembered of that night. The fire and the screams. That was enough of a nightmare.

"Are you all right?" Leah’s tender voice brought him back to the present moment.

He could say yes, but that wouldn’t be the truth. So, he chose not to say anything at all. She understood his silence. She stood by his side, and together, they simply took in the chamber around them. He was certain that she could sense the dread that reigned inside. It was palpable. It filled one’s soul with despair, refusing to leave. He didn’t want Leah’s soul to be filled with it, like his was.

"Perhaps we should leave," he suggested, looking away from a charred place on the floor that was in the shape of a human body.

"Yes," she agreed.

Walking closely by his side, they headed for the door and upon leaving the chamber, he did not lock the door this time. He simply exhaled deeply, feeling overwhelmed, but at the same time liberated from the fear that he had been a victim to all this time.

"Perhaps one day, you can restore that room to the way it was," she suggested cautiously.

The thought frightened him. It almost felt as if he would forget what happened in there and move on. He could not move on, not until he found out what happened that night. However, restoring the chamber was something he could see taking place in the future, in a future where the mystery was solved and perhaps, he was even happy with Leah by his side.

"Edward?" Once again, she managed to pierce through the veil of his turbulent thoughts and bring him back to the present moment.

"I was lost in thought," he explained.

"I know this was a big step for you," she recognized what he had done, and it was all because of her. He hoped that she could recognize that as well, without him telling her. "We have to take these things one day at a time," she advised. "Only in that way will we be able to find out the truth, if we don’t rush."

"I know," he agreed, managing to smile as they left the charred chamber of memories behind them, and headed toward another wing of the mansion. "In fact, there is another place I would like to show you."

"There is?" she beamed.

"The greenhouse at the far end of the garden," he revealed. "Have you been there?"

"Not yet," she admitted.

"Well, since this is a day for opening new doors, allow me to open a pleasant door for you today, as well," he smiled, as he led her out of the mansion.

She followed like a little doe, eager and curious. Suddenly, he wondered what it would be like to be loved by a woman like her, truly loved and cherished. Then, even more... what it would be like to kiss her, caress her, make her his.

Such thoughts did him no good. He tried to remember that, but it was hard.