Chapter 12

CHAPTER12

"Leah?" She could hear her mother’s voice clearly, but she could not see her in the thick fog.

"Mother, I’m here!" she called back. "Where are you?"

"I am here, Leah! Come, find me!" That voice beckoned to her so painfully that it tore Leah apart. Still, she could not find her way in the darkness. She kept wandering left and right, until that bloodcurdling scream was heard again, just like every time, and she woke up in sweat, breathing heavily.

It took her a few moments to calm down and remember that it was just another nightmare. It was no worse than any of the others, yet every time she had it, she felt more and more exhausted afterwards as if it was taking a greater toll on her every single time. Her heart was still beating violently when she got up from bed, knowing well that she would not be sleeping any longer. After such a nightmare, she never could go back to sleep. She was far too afraid that the nightmare would recur.

Thinking that perhaps reading would be her only option to spend the following several hours until morn, she headed toward the library. It had always been a refuge for her. Not this particular library, but she was hoping to make it her haven in this place which still did not feel quite like a home.

As soon as she approached the door, she noticed a light flickering underneath. That could mean only one thing. Someone was there. She faltered, thinking what she ought to do. She had spent the entire day with Edward. Initially, she thought that would be awkward, but it was anything but, much to her surprise. Perhaps talking to him once again would bring some comfort after such a nightmare. Led by this belief, she knocked on the door gently, then without waiting to be invited in, she pushed the door open. She thought he would be surprised to see her. But there was no surprise on his face, only interest. He was holding a book in his lap, which he placed down immediately upon seeing her.

"Another nightmare?" he asked, shocking her to her very core. How could he tell? She was certain that she had managed to calm down sufficiently so that she seemed at ease. Only, it appeared that he was able to read her far better than she thought. It both thrilled her and frightened her at the same time, this knowledge that he might be able to read her mind just by looking at her.

"Yes," she decided to admit, without much discussion. That was the last thing she was in the mood for. Somehow, just being here and not alone was enough to make her feel slightly better.

"My guess is that usually, after a nightmare like that, sleep is an impossible feat," he continued, as he looked at her. She was wearing just a robe over her thin nightgown, but she didn’t mind his inquisitive gaze.

"You know everything," she smiled, disarmed by his honesty.

"I told you that we’ve both come to know real tragedy," he reminded her, getting up and putting the book back on the shelf. Then, he turned his attention to her once again. His gaze was truly captivating, but not only that. There was something else in there, something she could not quite decipher. And that something almost made her melt.

"You have nightmares as well," she suddenly realized.

He nodded instead of a reply. "They have been plaguing me for a long time, and now, through some fluke of fortune, I don’t seem to remember my dreams at all any longer."

"Not a single one?"

"No," he confirmed. "Before, I welcomed dreams because I could see my parents in my dreams. I could relive those precious memories and forget, for a single precious moment in time and space that they are gone and that I will never see them again."

"Would you want those dreams back, together with the nightmares?" she dared to ask, not certain what his response would be.

This conversation was treading on dangerous ground. She felt like she was revealing more and more of herself before him, and she didn’t know whether that was a good thing. She wanted to believe it was. She wanted to think that it would be good for them to become closer, but at the same time, she was afraid of this closeness for the simple reason that she could not anticipate what it might bring.

He thought about it for a moment or two, before he replied. "Yes," he finally revealed, with a melancholy tone in his voice. "If I could hear my mother’s voice only one time, just one–"

The sadness that was bearing heavily upon his soul was palpable. She wanted to go over to him and wrap her arms around him, not because she was attracted to him, for something completely different. She wanted to show him that he could find solace in her, if only he wanted to. Broken souls could always recognize each other, and they could help each other, more than anyone else.

"Hearing my mother’s voice is too painful," she admitted, feeling as if something was clenching at her heart and squeezing every time she thought of her mother.

"Not hearing it would be even more painful, believe me," he told her, something she did not even consider. But the moment she did so, she realized he was right. At least, her mother still visited her in her dreams, her nightmares. They still had a connection. Her mother’s presence in Leah’s life was still palpable. As for him, he was stripped of that make-believe physical aspect.

"I’d like to try something," she suddenly told him.

"What?" he wondered.

"Just do what I tell you," she urged, then she realized what that sounded like. "I know you’re not used to being told what to do, but this might help you, at least a little."

"All right then," he sounded intrigued.

"Let’s sit down," she instructed. They both did so, taking a seat opposite each other. "Now, close your eyes." She watched him as he did so. "Let my voice guide you. If you try to think of something else to distract you from what I’m saying, try to banish it from your mind, all right?"

"Mhm," he nodded.

"What is your earliest memory with your parents?" she asked him, not taking her eyes off of him for a single moment. This was something that always helped her when she felt she could not connect with her mother on a level that was far deeper than those nightmares that constantly plagued her.

"We are in the garden," he said, speaking slowly, in a measured manner, his eyes still closed, and his hands crossed in his lap. "I am in her lap, reaching for her to hug me, so she raises me to her chest and presses me close to her. She... she smells like lavender."

Leah smiled. "Can you hear her voice?"

He didn’t speak for a while. Then, he nodded. "She is saying my name."

She smiled even wider. "Focus on her voice. What does it sound like?"

"It... " he paused for a moment, his head tilting a bit upward, almost as if he were truly listening to something that was distinct solely to his own ears, "it is very melodious... soft... the voice of an angel–"

"Can you hear what she is saying to you?" Leah asked tenderly.

"She... is looking into my eyes," he continued, his head slowly moving, as if he were looking at something, or better yet, someone with the eye of his mind. "She is telling me that she will always love me–"

This was where his voice broke. He opened his eyes, clearing his throat. She knew why. He felt too vulnerable, especially in front of her. Leah wondered if she had, in her desire to help, crossed a line she wasn’t supposed to.

"I’m sorry, I–"

"No," he interrupted her. "There is nothing you should apologize for. I followed your words, and I could hear her. I could hear her for the first time in such a long time, and it was so clear, as if she were in the room with us right now."

Leah smiled. "I am glad I could help. But this has always been inside of you, this power to remember her, with or without your dreams. She is inside of you, and that is where she will remain as long as you keep her there."

He swallowed heavily listening to her words. She watched his Adam’s apple bob down, then back up. They had come too close to a line that was not to be crossed. She was certain of that now. So, she got up, intending to bid him goodnight and retire to her chamber with a book, knowing she would not be able to go back to sleep.

To her surprise, he did the same. "May I accompany you to your chamber?" he asked, startling her with his proposal.

She immediately blushed, thinking that there could be only one thing on his mind right now. That devilish little voice urged her to agree, to invite him but she refused to succumb to that temptation.

"I don’t–" she started, but he didn’t allow her to continue.

"I did not mean anything of the sort," he said, reading her mind. "It’s just that... you’ve helped me, and I would like to return the favor."

"How?" she wondered.

He smiled. "I trusted you, didn’t I?" He paused, allowing her to nod. "Now, it is your turn to trust me."

She hesitated for a moment, then nodded. She headed to her chamber, in silence, knowing that he was following. When she arrived, she passed through the door, leaving it open. He closed it after himself.

"Go to bed," he urged.

Bed?That little voice alarmed her again. Of course, there was only one thing he had come to her chamber for, and of course, he would get what he wanted, because she could not say no to him. She was already starting to succumb to the temptation. His very presence here was alluring, let alone the fact that he just told her to go to bed.

Still, she did as he bid her. She trusted him. She wanted to trust him. So, she got under the covers. He walked over to a chair and pulled it closer to the bed. There, he took a seat. He extended his hand to her, with his palm up and open. He was silently beckoning her to take it.

"The only way you can sleep is by knowing you are safe," he told her. "Hold my hand while you sleep. That will remind you that I am here, and that no harm will come to you."

Leah could not believe what she was hearing. All those horrible stories about this man that were circling the ton, and here he was, offering to hold her hand through the night. How many secrets did this man hide?

She placed her hand in his. Their fingers intertwined. He squeezed once.

"Sleep," he told her. "I won’t let go."

Leah’s heart felt like a wounded bird being tended back to health. She could still not tell when she would be able to fly, but at least now, there was hope of it. Before, there was none.

She had no idea when she fell asleep, but when she woke up in the morning, he was still there. Her hand was still in his, as he slept with his back and neck all twisted, and his head on the bed. She smiled as she watched him, tenderness watching over her. She squeezed softly. Now that she knew what it felt to hold his hand, she feared she would never want him to let go of her ever again.