Chapter 10

CHAPTER10

He had to help her.

He had no idea where this thought had come from. He had no idea how it had nestled in his mind and found refuge there, but he knew that it was something that would not let him be until it was done.

Edward cleared his throat as he stood in front of Leah’s chamber. They had agreed to give each other space while in the mansion, but the more time passed, the more he realized that he enjoyed her company far more than he thought he would. He loved the way she talked about things that interested her, the way she would pull him into the story and keep him entertained. Not everyone had a knack for this. She certainly did.

He knocked on the door gently, almost afraid that he might interrupt some secret, solemn ritual that she was busy with right now. Such a thing was ridiculous of course, but he did not want her to think that she was not allowed privacy in this home, in her home.

She called out to him almost immediately. He pushed the door open. She was standing by the window. Her wedding gown was strewn carefully on a small chair that rested by the vanity table. He looked in that direction, wondering why she had taken it out of the wardrobe.

"It reminds me of her," she said, reading his mind. "My mother," she added for explanation.

He could not help but notice that she sounded sad. The thought made him sad in turn. It was strange. He could not explain this simple need to see her happy and smiling at all times. He pretended not to know where this desire was stemming from.

"You looked lovely in that gown," he commented, hoping that she would not see this compliment as merely him trying to make her feel better. There was so much more behind his words, much more than he was willing to admit.

She lifted her gaze toward him and smiled. "That is very kind of you to say."

He didn’t know what to say to that, so he simply returned her smile, albeit a little awkwardly. He was not used to being so cordial with her. In fact, every time their conversations became more cordial, he found himself at a loss for words, and nothing he said seemed to convey his message properly. Now was no exception. He had come to tell her that he wanted to help in solving the mystery of her mother’s death, but he was unable to find the words to even start this conversation, let alone to finish it. He opted for a joke, hoping it would do the trick and make her feel better.

"Well, we could schedule another wedding so you can wear that gown again," he told her, as he neared her. He wanted to diminish the distance between them, although he knew it was better for them both to remain apart, in all ways.

"With someone else?" she asked, looking confused. She obviously did not understand his suggestion as a joke.

He scratched the back of his head a little nervously. "No, not with someone else. I mean us. You and me. We should have another wedding, so you can– "

"Wear the gown," she interrupted him, finishing his sentence. She hesitated for a moment, then smiled. "It’s not the gown itself. It’s just that... I wish she were here–" Her voice slowly trailed off, getting lost in memories familiar only to her and no one else.

He knew of such memories. He had them, too. They tortured him, as well as brought him pleasure. It was a strange feeling, to both hate and love something, but he also knew that life would be all the more difficult if he did not have those memories with his parents. That was why he understood how Leah felt as well. However, he was never the kind of man who showed his feelings openly, so it was difficult for him to express sympathy, understanding.

"In a way, she was," he pointed out. "You were wearing her gown. She was in your mind, in your heart."

She lifted her gaze at him, her long dark eyelashes framing those beautiful blue eyes which were now watching him intently, as if endeavoring to pierce right through the walls he had been working so hard on building around himself and around his heart. However, every time she looked at him like that, she was taking out bricks, one by one, making those walls less and less sturdy.

"I know," she sighed. "That should be enough of a comfort... only it’s not."

"You want to find out what happened to her," he said tenderly.

She paused for a moment, her lips parted, but she didn’t speak. She didn’t need to. He understood her better than she thought. They were united in the tragedy that was the loss of their parents. For him it was both, for her only her mother, but that was enough for great sorrow to find a home in her heart and refuse to leave.

"I feel like I owe it to her," she finally spoke. "I... I constantly have nightmares about her."

He frowned. "You shouldn’t have nightmares about her. They should be happy dreams."

"I know," she agreed. "Yet, they are the worst nightmares you could imagine." She walked over to a chair as she spoke and sat down.

"Tell me about them," he asked, mirroring her action, and taking a seat opposite her.

There was nowhere else he would rather be now. This was exactly where he belonged, by her side. The thought frightened him, because it proved that he was not indifferent to his wife. But there were still so many unanswered questions regarding her, regarding himself, regarding how they ended up married in the first place. Before he could address his confusing tangle of emotions, he had to have answers to all those questions first.

"It’s always dark," Leah started, her voice soft and quiet, but he could hear her well. He could imagine how difficult it must have been for her to remember those painful dreams. So, he didn’t rush her. He allowed her to speak at her own pace. "There is always fog. I can’t see anything. But I hear her voice. I hear her calling out to me. So, I keep running about this unfamiliar place. I keep looking for her, listening to her voice calling my name, but I can’t find her. Then, it always ends with a scream and that scream wakes me up."

"It is just your mind, torturing you," he explained softly. "You shouldn’t let it upset you so much."

"How can I not?" she asked, sounding incredulous.

He knew why. He asked her to do something he himself would not be able to. He also had nightmares, although he did not like to admit it. He tried to forget them as soon as he opened his eyes. Sometimes, he would manage to, sometimes not.

"She is telling me that I cannot let her go," Leah continued.

"You are not letting her go by moving on with your life."

"But... that is just it, I can’t," she admitted, defeatedly. "I cannot look to the future when my past is a dark night of deceit. I do not know what happened and that is preventing me from living my life the way I’m supposed to, the way my mother would have wanted me to."

Edward inhaled deeply. "In that case, there is only one thing to do," he said. He thought she would say what, because they both knew it, but she remained silent. So, he continued. "You need to find out what happened to her. If that is what it takes for you to move on, to live your life, then that is what needs to be done."

"My father is trying to prevent me from doing that every single step of the way," she pointed out, without any resentment. After all, her father was the only family she had left. Him and Edward, as well. But he doubted that she considered him family. Not yet, anyway.

"Your father does not get to live your life," Edward reminded her gently, not wishing to cross the line, but at the same time, hoping to show her that it was all right to go against the wishes of those around her and follow what her own heart thought to be the right path.

"I know," she nodded. "I just wish he understood me and my mother more."

"Some people do not possess that ability to see the bigger picture," Edward pointed out. "They only see what they want to see, turning a blind eye to so much. From what you’ve told me, your mother seemed to be the kind of person who not only saw but noticed everything."

"She was," Leah smiled. He could see that glimmer of happiness in her eyes. But it was there only for one brief moment, and then it was gone. How he longed to have it back.

"She would want you to do what you felt was right, yes?" he wondered.

"Of course," she nodded again.

"She wouldn’t want you to be stifled by anyone, not even your own father," he continued.

"That is true," she confirmed yet again. He could hear the confidence rising in her voice. It was almost palpable.

"Then you know what needs to be done," he urged. "And... I came here to tell you that you won’t be going through that alone."

"What do you mean?" she inquired, her curiosity peaking.

"I will help you," he said simply, not wanting to convolute this offer with complicated words.

He expected her to smile, to accept it instantly, but instead, she looked at him slightly suspiciously. "Why would you do that?" she wondered.

"Because, no matter how you look at it, we are sort of stuck with each other," he smiled. "There are things we need to discover, and two heads are always better than one. We could go about this our separate ways, sometimes even do double the work, or we could work together, and be more efficient. What do you say?"

She pondered on it for a few moments, then nodded. "All right."

"Where do we start then?" he asked, getting up, feeling strangely energized by this conversation.

She smiled at him. He loved it when she did that. "There are a few people I’ve been meaning to talk to regarding my mother and her... charity work. I do not know how else to call it, honestly."

"Did she give money to those in need?" he asked.

"Yes," she confirmed.

"Then it is charity work," he assured her. "And these people you want us to talk to, do we need to inform them of our arrival beforehand?"

She chuckled. "No. They are not lords and ladies. Lords and ladies do not need much help. They can easily help themselves." She looked at him somehow strangely, as if she almost felt sorry for him for not seeing something that was so painfully obvious to her. "I will show you people who truly need help. Perhaps then you shall understand."

Usually, when someone told him so directly that he was ignorant in some aspect, Edward was wont to return the insult. Only, this time, it didn’t sound like an insult. It didn’t sound like something bad at all. It sounded like she truly wanted to show him something important, so that he would understand everything, so that he would understand her.

And that was what he wanted to do more than anything else.