5. Liam

CHAPTER 5

LIAM

I spin my wedding ring around, staring at the gold band and trying to harden myself against the wails coming from the house to my right. I’m standing on the front lawn of this small residence, there as backup for the social worker who is removing two kids from a dangerous situation.

This sucks.

Glancing at my partner, we share a cringing frown as the mother starts screaming.

“Get your hands off my babies! Leave them the fuck alone! Don’t you touch them! Don’t you touch them!”

I adjust my police belt, gripping the sides while the social worker calmly explains, “Ma’am, we’ve been over this. I need to take them for a while. You’ll be able to visit. They’ll be safe and well cared for.”

“My babies!” She’s wailing as Denise walks out the front door with a baby in her arms and two kids with big eyes and bony arms trailing after her. Their threadbare coats can’t hide how skinny they are. The little boy looks terrified, and I feel sick as I take in the bruises around his neck. His big sister doesn’t look much better, with purple-and-blue marks on her cheek and chin. She holds his hand and tugs him along.

“Come on.” She pulls him forward. “Don’t look.”

“No! Stop!” The mother rushes out after them, and I’m forced to step forward, catching the bat she’s wildly swinging.

The girl ducks, shielding her brother, while Denise spins with a gasp, ushering the children forward. “It’s okay. It’s okay. Kids, follow me.”

The boy starts crying, and I want to pull him into a hug and promise him the world won’t hurt him again.

But I can’t do that.

Since becoming a police officer, I’ve come to realize the world—even a small town like Nolan—can be a very dark and dangerous place.

“No! Stop them!” The woman looks at me, but I doubt she can see my face properly. Her pupils are dilated, her breaths short and punchy. She’s high. And from the report I read on the way over here, I know it’s meth running through her system.

It breaks my heart as I lower her to the ground, rolling her onto her stomach so I can cuff her. She screams into the icy pavement, shouting for her children while I keep a gentle hand on her shoulder so she can’t rear up and attack me.

My partner stands watch while I keep her still, making sure the kids get into the vehicle safely.

I try to keep my touch light and calm, even when she gets a surge of energy and starts battling me. She doesn’t know what she’s doing right now, and when she crashes and finds her kids gone… she’ll be wrecked.

Turning back with a sad sigh, Caleb helps me get the woman to her feet and we walk her to the squad car, securing her in the back before radioing the station.

The booking goes as smoothly as it can, and I manage to write up most of my report before heading back out on patrol, cruising the streets past Nolan U campus and making sure the college kids are behaving themselves. It only feels like yesterday since I was one of them. My carefree days of hockey and classes… it was a good life.

Damn, we thought we were so smart, owning life and dominating on the ice.

But we didn’t know shit.

Not really.

Adulting is hard. It’s good hard. I love my life. But some days in this job are tougher than others, and I’m feeling it today. Abused kids are always a trigger for me. Probably because I was one. I’ve worked my way through it, but every time I have to deal with a case like today, it rears its head and I’m back to going through the steps.

At least it’s quicker than it used to be. I find my calm, peaceful place with relative ease, and Caleb’s none the wiser as he navigates down Main Street and turns east.

My phone dings, and I check the message, my heart sinking as I read Casey’s text.

It’s announcement day! Baby number three is on the way! My house is turning into a zoo but bring it on!

“Shit,” I mutter, staring at the string of happy emojis that would usually make me laugh. But all I can think about is Rachel.

Does she know yet?

“You good, man?” Caleb glances at me.

“Yeah, just need to call my wife. Can you pull over, please?”

He does so without hesitation, and I jump out of the car, calling Rachel and holding my breath until she answers.

“Hey.”

I can instantly tell she’s been crying, and my heart starts bleeding.

“Cari?a.” I whisper her pet name, and she breaks down.

Squeezing my forehead, I keep my emotions in check, not wanting her to carry the burden of my own pain too.

Ever since she told me she wanted to have kids, I’ve been all in. She whispered it to me on our wedding night, and we started trying on our honeymoon. Yeah, we were young, but I was so ready to build a family with this woman. She was going to be an amazing mother. Her sweet heart and kind smile… I couldn’t wait to watch her interacting with our babies.

But… they never came.

It’s been about four years, and we’ve had no luck.

Every month she gets her period.

And every month, she cries.

Now Caroline’s pregnant and?—

“I’m fine,” she whimpers. “Thanks for calling to check on me, but really… you need to focus on your shift. You be safe, and I’ll… I’ll see you when you get home.” She squeaks out the last few words, then hangs up before I can say anything.

Leaning against the hood of the car, I feel my chest deflate, my insides concaving as I lightly kick a clump of snow on the path.

“Hey, man. Everything all right?” Caleb’s head pops out the window.

I glance over my shoulder, trying to smile at my partner. He’s older than me, with twin girls in middle school and years’ worth of experience on the force.

“Just…” I hold up my phone, then make myself stand. “Rachel’s having a really bad day. She’s crying and…” I shake my head.

He gives me a kind smile. “Think it’s about time you clock out for the day, then, huh?”

I glance at my watch. “I’ve still got three hours before my shift ends.”

“No, you don’t. Family always comes first. I’ll clear it with Sarge.” He tips his head, quietly ordering me back into the squad car.

I do as I’m told, and forty minutes later, I’m pulling into my parking spot behind Ponderosa.

Walking into the mudroom, I pause to take off my shoes, wondering what that funky smell is in the kitchen. With a wrinkled nose, I step in to find Asher and the chef who covers Rachel’s shift three nights a week hovering near the stove.

“What happened in here?” I ask.

“Burnt cream,” the chef mutters, shaking his head. “Such a waste. Ray needs to fire that new assistant. She knows it. I know it.” He bulges his eyes and I wince, then cast my gaze to Asher.

“Where is she?”

He gives me a sad smile. “I convinced her to go take a shower.”

“Was she wrecked?”

Asher nods. “Yeah, man.”

I close my eyes, taking in a deep breath before thanking the chef for coming in early and Asher for helping us out.

“Anytime.” He waves me off. “Go take care of your woman.”

I rush up to the top floor. Since everyone moved out, we’ve turned this level into our own space. Baxter converted the end room into a living area for us, and we have our master bedroom plus a couple spares. One was supposed to be a nursery. We had grand plans of having two kids close together. Rachel was excited to have them sharing a room, then turning the other one into a playroom for them.

But that never happened. For the first year, we were okay. I was at the police academy anyway, and we figured the timing wasn’t quite right. Then I had to get through being a rookie, but Rachel wanted to start trying again anyway, so we did.

And we haven’t stopped.

It’s been over two years of maximum effort and zero results.

I find Ray sitting on the toilet lid, wrapped in a towel and crying. Her bare shoulders shake, her wet hair sticking to her back as she weeps into her hands.

I crouch in front of her, resting my hands lightly on her knees. She knows it’s me so doesn’t bother looking up. Instead, she sniffles into her palms and hiccups out the words. “I got my period this morning, and then Sadie burned the cream, and then… Caroline called.”

“I’m sorry, baby.”

“She’s…”

“I know.”

Looking at me with her big green eyes, I feel like my heart is breaking all over again. It does this every month and somehow repairs itself just in time to crack in new places.

“Why isn’t this working for us?” she squeaks. “Caroline doesn’t even want to be pregnant, and I’m desperate for a baby. How is that fair?”

I rest my hand on her head, lightly kissing the tears off her cheeks. “I know it sucks. And I’m sorry the IVF hasn’t worked.” Going through that was an expensive, harrowing experience and not one we want to repeat in a hurry. Rachel found it physically and emotionally draining. It was a mental struggle for me too, and the only time we’ve ever yelled at each other was when we were in the middle of that shitstorm. Listening to Rachel’s heartbroken sobs when she locked herself away in the bathroom nearly killed me.

We got through it, and were probably stronger afterward, but I never want to go through that again. Raising my voice at my woman that way? It’s not me. I don’t want to be that guy.

The doctor did say we could try IVF again in the future, but I just can’t bring myself to suggest it.

My heart sinks.

Rachel shakes her head, her chest heaving as she obviously tries to rein in her tears. “We can never say we didn’t try. I just…” Her expression crumples. “When we got married, I had this picture in my mind, you know? You, me, a few kids. Teaching them how to bake and catch a ball. Taking them to hockey games so they can watch their Uncle Ethan and Uncle Casey play. You showing them how to skate.” She starts to cry again.

“I want that too.” I touch her hair, my voice hitching at her anguished tears.

This is killing me.

Wrapping my arm around her waist, I catch her against me, and we tip to the floor. Resting my back against the wall, I cradle her on my knee, smoothing her hair and letting her cry into my shirt.

I don’t say anything for a long time. Not until her tears have dried up and she’s down to soft whimpers. Brushing my lips across her forehead, I rub my hand down her back and gently suggest, “Maybe it’s time we seriously consider adoption.”

She goes still and sniffs. “Yeah. Maybe.” Her long fingers play with the buttons of my shirt. “I guess I just wanted a little part of you and a little part of me all blended together. But that’s never going to happen, is it?”

I curl my hand around hers. “Whether they’re our blood or not, they’d still be ours, and we’d love them with everything we’ve got.”

Pulling in a shaky breath, she sits up, her eyes glistening as she gives me a closed-mouth smile. “Yeah, we would.” Her head starts bobbing. “We’d love them so much.”

Cupping the back of her head, I pull her forward, crushing our mouths together, then holding her tight, quietly praying that we’ll get this chance to become parents.

I want to raise kids with this woman.

I want to watch her be a mama.

I want to live my life with her by my side, and I want to see her smile every day.

I’ll do whatever it takes to make her happy. Whatever I possibly can.