29. Caroline

CHAPTER 29

CAROLINE

I have no idea what wakes me, but my eyes pop open and I gaze into the dimly lit room, immediately wondering where Casey is. Reaching for my phone on the nightstand, I check my texts and smile at the sweet message from my mom. It’s a picture of Billy and Troy, blissfully snuggled up in the same bed together. They’re sound asleep, their little mouths hanging open, Billy’s reckless curls and Troy’s sweet cherub face making my heart squeeze with affection.

I send a quick text back, filled with love-heart emojis, and Mom replies with the same. I smile at the screen, so incredibly grateful to have such wonderful parents. They have been serious lifesavers over the past few years, and I love how much they adore my children.

My mind instantly goes to my sweet girl, so tiny and vulnerable. I cried when Casey led me away from the NICU and made me get back into bed. I wanted to stay with her. It didn’t matter that I could barely keep my eyes open. It didn’t matter that my body was still aching and tender from pushing her out of me. I’m her mother, and she needed me.

Casey’s soft coo and sweet words calmed me down, and he tucked me into bed, kissing my lips and promising me that our Lyla was in safe hands. I’d get to hold her again after another session in the incubator. At least she was strong enough that I was allowed to breastfeed her. My swollen, aching boobs are warning me that the time is coming up again soon. The nurse promised to come get me when little Lyla was ready for a feed.

I wonder where Casey is.

Slipping out of the hospital bed, I pad across the floor and grab his big hoodie, which he left over the back of the chair. It engulfs me, and I wrap the soft fabric around myself. I love the way it smells of his cologne and musky scent. He still turns me on with only a whiff, still makes me smile with just one look, and can still make my heart melt at the drop of a hat.

I never thought it was possible to score a guy like Casey Pierce. I never thought I would be with someone who gets me so hot and drives me so crazy. Someone who can infuriate me and then make me laugh all in the same heartbeat. Someone who I pine for when he’s away and want to kick out of the house when he forgets to take out the trash or clean up the huge mess he and the boys made when they were playing. The house is always messier when he’s home, but it’s so bright and filled with energy when he’s around too.

I love him.

I can’t help myself.

I’ll adore him for the rest of my life.

And I pine for him now, which is why I’m padding down the hospital corridor in my socks.

I pause at the nurses’ station, but no one is there. Glancing around, I continue my quest, slowly working my way down to the NICU before finally spotting him.

And there goes my heart, melting into a big puddle of goo.

He’s sitting in one of the nursing chairs, Lyla carefully tucked into his strong, tattooed arm. She’s so tiny, it makes my heart squeeze. Casey has her wrapped up in a bundle so her little arms won’t be jerking around and getting cold. Adjusting the hat on her head, he keeps talking to her, and the closer I get, the more his gentle hum turns into words I can hear.

“My precious girl. You are the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen. And I’m going to look after you and make you laugh and teach you how to be strong and capable just like your mama.” He lightly kisses the tip of her nose. “You’re gonna have so much fun living in our house. Billy and Troy are a blast, and I’ll show you all the best moves so you can stand up for yourself when they get too rough. They won’t mean to, they’re just boys. But I’m not gonna let them hurt you, okay?” Tipping his head, he studies her face, completely besotted with her. “And speaking of boys, you’re not allowed to date until you’re at least twenty-five, maybe even thirty.”

I cover my mouth to stifle the giggle that’s rumbling in my stomach. He sounds completely serious, and I love him for it. His voice is so tender, it soothes me all the way to my soul, and my eyes get misty as I watch them together.

“And my little Lyla, if you’re ever in trouble, I’m the first guy you call, got it? I’m papa bear, and I’ll keep you safe no matter what.”

She makes a little noise, almost like a cry but not quite. She’s getting hungry, I can sense it, but she settles when Casey starts talking again.

“So, you know, it’d be really awesome if you could be a daddy’s girl. I know your mom is like the best human being on the planet, and if she becomes your favorite, I seriously will not hold it against you. But I’ve wanted a daughter since the first time she got pregnant. I’ve never told anyone this, but that first time, when we were still in college… I didn’t think I could do the dad thing. I wasn’t sure I’d be good enough, but then sometimes I’d let myself imagine, you know? And I’d picture a little girl with red curls and big blue eyes, and all I wanted to do was hold her and make her giggle and look after her.” A vulnerable smile lifts the edges of his mouth. “And now I’ve got you. And that makes me so happy, lil’ one.” He sniffs like he might be fighting tears. “So, you stay strong for us, okay, sweet girl? And I’ll be the best daddy in the world.”

“Fact,” I whisper, stepping into his line of sight. “You already are the best daddy in the world.”

He grins at me, the boyish charm he exudes stealing my heart all over again.

He opens his arm to me, and I shuffle toward him, perching on the side of his lap and staring down at our beautiful daughter.

“She’s perfect,” I whisper.

“I know.”

“How long have you been here?”

“Only fifteen minutes or so. The nurse said I could hold her until feeding time.”

“She seems happy in your arms.” I rest my cheek against his head. “I get it. Your arms are the best.”

He squeezes my hip and looks up at me. I press my lips to his, loving this man more than I ever thought I could. He is everything I ever wanted and needed.

Easing away from him, I gaze back down at Lyla, my eyes glassing over when I say, “I’m sorry.”

“What do you mean?” Casey gives me a questioning frown.

“For ever complaining about being pregnant again.” I wince. “I’m sorry I yelled at you about that.”

“Hey, it’s okay. You were freaking out.”

“I just didn’t think I could do it.” She shakes her head. “I feel so out of my depth sometimes, you know? Being a mom is hard.”

“I know.”

“But it’s also wonderful. I love my kids so much.” My voice starts to shake. “They are so precious to me. And now we have this beautiful girl, and I am so grateful.”

“Baby, don’t cry,” Casey whispers, squeezing me against his side and reaching up to kiss my cheek. “It’s okay.”

I sniff. “Blame it on hormones.”

“’Kay. Will do.”

We grin at each other, and he reaches forward again. I dip my head to kiss his lips, brushing my fingers through his hair.

Lyla starts to squirm, a pitiful baby cry coming out of her. I pull back, gazing down at our daughter and carefully taking her in my arms. Casey moves so I can have the chair, and the nurse comes over to check that everything is fine while I get settled breastfeeding. As soon as Lyla latches on, I take her little fingers. So tiny. They wrap around my thumb, and I’m overwhelmed with love for this precious little human in my arms.

“She’s so tiny.” My voice catches.

“I know, right?” Casey crouches down in front of me, lightly cupping her head. “When they put her in my arms before, I was freaking out that I’d break her or something. Billy was huge when he finally popped out, and even though Troy was smaller, he grew fast, you know?”

“That’s because he needed feeding every twenty minutes.” I give him a wry look.

Casey softly chuckles, then shakes his head. “Can you imagine what he’s going to be like as a teenager?”

I let out a mock groan, then softly laugh, picturing my boys as strapping teens and hoping they turn out as kindhearted as their father.

“I get why you were scared when you found out you were pregnant again.” His voice turns serious, his face filled with sweet compassion as he looks up at me. “But you are seriously the best mom. You’re kind and fun and loving. I know the boys drive you crazy sometimes, but you’re so good with them. You have the patience of a saint, and I wouldn’t want to do this parenting thing with anybody else.” His lips twitch. “Sometimes I feel like I should apologize that I keep accidentally impregnating you.”

I snort and shake my head. It’s not just his fault. We’re too spontaneous and reckless sometimes. Lyla was conceived through a heated moment of passion, and while there may have been a condom involved, it was probably shoved on haphazardly in our rush to get on with it.

“The truth is, though… I’m not sorry. I love having babies with you. I love making them. I love watching your body change and grow this little human. And I love seeing our family get bigger. I love how chaotic and fun and crazy our house is. Getting home to you guys is the highlight of every day, and whenever I’m away, I miss you like crazy. I can’t wait for everyone to be old enough so you can travel with me more. I love our family, Caroline. I love being a parent with you.” His face is so sincere, his gaze so sweet.

I brush my hand down his cheek, the pads of my fingers playing with his whiskers as I finally admit, “I love being a parent with you too. Even when it’s hard, I wouldn’t change it.”

Lyla makes a sweet little guzzling noise, her arm flailing against my chest. I lightly take her hand again, kissing her soft, sweet skin and watching her feed.

I’m so blessed that it makes my heart hurt, and for some reason, my thoughts fly to Rachel. Sweet Ray, who was so kind to me as we rushed to the hospital. All the animosity was set aside as she made sure I was okay.

Sweet Ray who would be such an amazing mother but can’t have kids.

My heart aches for her, and I want to call her, let her know how much I love and appreciate her. Apologize for leaving things after her outburst. I should have called her a few days later to check in, find out if she was okay, but I ghosted her.

She didn’t yell at me that day because of something I did. She was hurting, and I’ve been a shitty friend. I let this bitterness between us grow, and I’m better than that.

As soon as the new day dawns, I’m calling her. We have to mend what’s broken between us. And I have to find out the best way to move forward with our current situation.

Closing my eyes, I start quietly praying that there’s a woman out there who needs a mother for her child, because I know Rachel would be freaking amazing.