11. Rachel

CHAPTER 11

RACHEL

“Hi.” I wave, taking in Billy’s sweet expression and Caroline’s flustered frown. Her red curls are pulled back into a messy bun, and tendrils are falling around her flushed cheeks. Billy is coated in flour and powdered sugar, his fingers stained pink and blue—I assume that’s food coloring—and Troy is crying somewhere in the house.

Caroline holds the edge of the door, gaping at me and Liam. Tears are filling her eyes, and even though I thought I couldn’t handle seeing her until after her baby was born, I end up stepping through the door and wrapping her in a hug.

“What do you need us to do?” I ask.

She sniffs and clings to me, her fingers digging into my shoulders as she whimpers, “I’ve gotta go get Troy, but if you could maybe help me with the kitchen…”

“On it.” Liam scoops Billy into his arms. “C’mere, you little mess.”

“Uncle Liam.” Billy giggles and screeches when he starts getting tickled by my gorgeous husband. He’s going to make the best dad.

A thrill whistles through me as I let Caroline go so she can get Troy from his crib.

She darts away, and I glance into the living room, surveying the riotous mess—books all over the floor, a minefield of toys, cushions strewn everywhere, plastic plates with half-eaten snacks on the kiddy table, and a mug of what looks like stone-cold coffee sitting on the window ledge. I walk in and start gathering up the plates and mug, walking them through to the kitchen, where I’m met with quite the mess.

“Oh boy,” I whisper.

“I know, right?” Liam laughs and shakes his head, dusting flour and powdered sugar off his shirt. “Lucky I always have a spare change of clothes in the car.” Billy laughs and slaps his flour-coated hands on Liam’s shirt, giggling at the horrified look on his uncle’s face. “Oi, you.” He growls and Billy squeals, ready to take off running, but Liam snatches him before he can. “No way, papi . You’re helping me clean up. Where does Mommy keep the broom?”

Billy blinks up at him, then starts walking for the laundry room. I set the dishes in the sink and look at the mess, wondering where to even start.

Poor Caroline. Looks like she’s having a rough day.

I’m glad we stopped by. We hadn’t actually planned on it. We’re just in Denver for Casey and Ethan’s game tonight. It could be their last of the season, and we wanted to be there to show our support.

We were a little early, and Liam suggested we swing past Caroline’s place and tell her the good news.

“You up for seeing her?” He glanced at me, his expression so kind that I felt my heart swell like it always does. “If it’s still too much, we can leave it.”

“No, it’s a good idea.” I smiled. “We’re gonna be parents now, and it’ll be nice to tell her in person.”

Excitement pulsed between us, and I couldn’t help laughing.

Ahhh! I’m going to be a mama!

That burst of pleasure explodes in my chest again, and I bite my bottom lip. We got the call a few nights ago. It’s miraculous, because adoption takes a long time. We’d been warned that it would take months for everything to go through, but then it happened.

A teenage mother in Boulder is looking for a young couple to adopt her baby. We’re due to meet with her on Tuesday, and I’m so excited I can hardly stand it. I know I shouldn’t get ahead of myself, but the adoption agency were so positive when we spoke with them on the phone.

“You two will be perfect, and the mother really likes you. We’ll set the meeting up and go from there. I know I can’t promise anything, but this is looking really good.” She was thrilled for us.

I’m thrilled for us. This is happening so much faster than I thought it would, and I’m giddy. The day she called, I popped out and bought a couple of small outfits. I couldn’t help myself. Liam and I are getting a newborn. That little girl is going to be ours right from the outset, and it’ll be amazing.

I can’t wait to tell Caroline that we’ll be raising daughters together. Our babies will only be a few months apart.

Billy walks back in with a kid-sized broom while Liam trails him with a bucket and mop.

“We’ll start with the countertops,” Liam tells him. “Let’s brush all of this off onto the floor, and then we can clean that up, okay?”

Billy nods, his enthusiasm waning as he looks at the huge mess he made.

“You made it, kid. You gotta clean it up.” Liam winks at him. “Come on, it’ll be fun.”

With a little frown, the three-year-old takes the cloth I just wet for him and starts wildly wiping the counter. I laugh and stop him, showing him how to do it properly. He’s pretty good at copying me, so when Troy’s cries come out of the baby monitor, I offer to go and check if Caroline needs my help.

“Okay.” Liam brushes his lips across mine just before I walk out of the room.

I smile, the simple gesture making my lips tingle. I love my husband so damn much. And I’m going to love him even more watching him raise our daughter.

“Caroline?” I softly call when I reach the top of the stairs.

“In here.” She sounds out of sorts, and when I step into the room and get a whiff of what just came out of Troy, I understand why.

“Wow.” I pinch my nose.

“I know, right?” Caroline blows a curl off her cheek. “He’s definitely Casey’s kid!” She gags, pulling a face that makes Troy giggle, while wrapping up the diaper and shoving it into the bin.

She doesn’t laugh along with her son, and I feel sad that she’s having such a bad day. It’s obviously gotten the better of her, and I think I get it. Kids can be hard work. But she’s got babies to love and cherish. Isn’t that the best thing in the world?

I clamp my lips against saying that to her, smiling down at Troy and drawing circles on his tummy while Caroline gets out a fresh change of clothes for him.

She starts wrestling them onto his squirming body, and I can’t help laughing at Troy’s sweet smile.

“You are too cute, little one.”

His smile grows, drool dropping off his lower lip. Caroline catches it with a cloth and shakes her head. “These fresh clothes will be dirty in five minutes, I guarantee it.”

“You must be doing laundry constantly.” I laugh.

“Yep, my washer and dryer get a workout, that’s for sure.”

She picks Troy up, standing him on the changing table. He stamps his little feet and bobs up and down, making it hard to pull his pants up. Finally, he’s good to go, and she perches him on her hip, his little leg curling around her extended belly. “So…” She looks at me. “It’s nice to see you. How’ve you been?”

“Yeah, good.” I look at her, then glance away with a soft cringe. “I’m sorry I haven’t been able to see you.”

“I get it.” She nods. “Really.” Squeezing my shoulder lightly, she gathers up Troy’s dirty clothes and pops them into the hamper.

“I hear you’re having a girl. Congratulations. You must be over the moon.”

“Yeah, it’s exciting.” Caroline sounds anything but excited. She winces as Troy grabs a handful of her hair and gives it a tug. “Ouch.”

He laughs like it’s funny, and she takes his hand, detangling his fingers from her hair. Her messy bun is now total chaos, clumps of hair sticking out on the side. I can tell it’s taking major effort for her to stay calm. Her eyes are glistening as she tries to smooth her hair back. Troy is bobbing on her hip, wiping his drool across her shoulder before squealing right in her ear. Popping him onto the floor, she rubs the top of his head before he toddles across the room toward me.

I crouch down to greet him while Caroline frowns, retying her hair and trying to wipe Troy’s drool and snot off her shirt. She gives up, rolling her eyes and shaking her head.

“I better go check out the kitchen.” She sighs.

“It’s okay. You can relax. Liam and Billy are on cleaning detail, and they’re doing a wonderful job.” I smile, and she blinks in surprise.

“Billy’s cleaning?”

“He is.” I nod with a grin.

Caroline’s shoulders relax a little, and she manages a fleeting smile. “So, Lani tells me you’re looking into adoption.” She crosses her arms over her beach-ball stomach, trying to look bright and cheerful, but her poor, tired face can barely muster it.

News always travels fast in our group, which is why we haven’t told anyone yet that we’re getting a baby. We want to meet the mother first and get the paperwork all signed. But maybe it’ll be okay to share this with Caroline. It’ll be a happy distraction for her. We can celebrate raising our daughters together. Mine will be born only three months after hers.

It’s impossible to fight my grin as I say, “Actually—” My phone rings before I can spill the beans. “Sorry,” I murmur, pulling it out of my pocket and checking the screen.

My heart jumps with a little skip as I see it’s from the adoption agency, and I answer with a broad grin. “Hello.”

“Hi, Rachel.” The second I hear her voice, I know it’s not good. Her tone is too flat.

My smile disappears, heat spreading through me as she sighs and punches me right through the heart.

“I hate to be making this call. I really thought it was a sure thing. She seemed adamant that she wanted to put her baby up for adoption. Everything was lined up, but… I just got a call from her parents. They’ve decided to keep the baby.”

I don’t know what to say, so I just stand there quietly while she tries to encourage me and tell me this isn’t the end. There’ll be another baby out there who needs a home and?—

“How long will that take?” I interrupt her.

“I can’t say for sure. Sometimes it’s only a matter of weeks; other times it can take months, even years. But you’re in our system now, and we’ll contact you as soon as we find a good match. In the meantime, you could always consider foster care.”

I close my eyes. The thought of caring for children only to have to give them away again sends a searing pain through me. I don’t think I’m cut out for that. I wish I could be. It’s such an admirable thing to do, but I know myself well enough… and I can’t do foster care. My heart will break every time a child is sent back to their parents or moved on somewhere else.

I just want a baby who can be mine… a child Liam and I can raise. I want a family that I can watch grow.

“Have a think on it,” she murmurs, obviously sensing my distress. “Once again, I’m sorry. I’ll be in touch.”

She mercifully ends the call, and I pull the phone away from my ear.

“Everything okay?” Caroline steps toward me and I back away, forcing myself to nod and smile.

“Yeah. It’s fine.”

“You don’t look?—”

“I’m fine.” I brighten my smile, my insides trembling with the effort of keeping it together.

Caroline definitely doesn’t believe me, but she quickly gets distracted when Troy starts giggling, and we both glance down to see him gleefully pulling wet wipes out of the container and throwing them over his shoulder.

“Troy, stop.” Caroline crouches down, tutting as she takes the container and then starts picking up the wet wipes. “Honestly, this day is a nightmare.”

“Yeah, such a nightmare,” I mutter. I can’t help it.

Standing there with her pregnant belly and a beautiful baby boy at her feet… what the fuck does she have to complain about?

Troy lets out a squelchy fart, which stinks to high heaven, and Caroline sighs, letting out a whimper as she lifts him up and checks his diaper.

“Again? I just changed you.”

Troy giggles and she huffs, laying him back down and grumbling about endless diapers and stinky poop and…

And I lose it.

“Do you have any idea how lucky you are?” I snap.

Caroline and Troy both jerk, twisting their heads to gape at me. Troy blinks his big eyes, and Caroline’s lips part.

“Don’t you dare complain about one. Single. Thing!” I point at her. “Your life is perfect, okay? You have two beautiful boys and a daughter on the way! How dare you stand there whining when there are some people out there who would kill to have what you have.”

“Ray, I?—”

“Don’t even talk to me,” I screech. “I can’t be here. I can’t watch this!” A sob pops out of my mouth and I spin from the room, racing down the stairs as Caroline feebly tries to call me back.

I ignore her, storming out to the car and slamming myself into it.

Covering my face, I give in to my tears and let them wrench through my body. My stomach convulses, my shoulders shaking as I sit in the Pierce driveway and mourn once again.

But this time it’s worse, because I’m not just lamenting the loss of this little girl who I thought would be ours. I’m also riddled with guilt over shouting in front of Troy and being such a bitch to Caroline. Her day has been bad enough as it is, and I’ve probably made it a hundred times worse. But I can’t walk back into that house.

I can’t do it.

I just want to go.

“Hurry up, Liam,” I whisper, cringing when I think about what Caroline must be saying to him.

Swiping tears off my face, I sniff and start hunting for a tissue. I find one at the very bottom of my bag and whimper, ripping it as I pull it from the packet, then weeping all over again.

Seriously, Ray? You’re crying over a ripped tissue.

That gets the tears going even more, and by the time Liam finally joins me, my face is a blotchy mess.

“Sorry I took a minute,” he murmurs as soon as he slips into the driver’s seat. “I wanted to split myself in half and be in two places at once. I couldn’t just leave Billy and?—”

“It’s okay.” I shake my head, wiping my face again and sniffing. “You did the right thing. I’m the one being unreasonable.”

“Cari?a,” he whispers, lightly cupping the back of my head. “It’s okay. Caroline said you got a phone call.”

“Yeah,” I squeak. “From the adoption agency.”

He sighs, sadness washing over his expression as he reads my face and immediately works out the news.

“I should have known it was too good to be true. We were warned this whole process would take months, a year even, and it all came together so quickly.” I shake my head, the words wobbling out of me.

“Is she keeping it?” His voice is rough and gravelly, like it’s hurting him to speak.

“Yeah.” My stomach jerks with a sob. “The family wants to keep it. Her parents called and said the adoption’s not happening anymore,” I whimper. “I’m heartbroken.”

“Me too.” He nods, his lips rising into a brave smile, but it’s etched with sadness, and he’s soon frowning down at his lap.

I lean toward him, wrapping my arms around his neck, and he holds me tight. “This sucks.”

“Yeah.” He squeezes me close and I instantly feel better, knowing I’m not alone in this pain. “But we’ll get through this, and when the time’s right, we’ll get our baby.”

“You don’t know that.” My words are muffled by his shirt.

He strokes my hair. “I guess not.” Then he pulls back to cup my face. His soft brown gaze is so deep and beautiful. I sink into it. “We have each other. And Ray, that might have to be enough.”

My lips tremble as fresh tears line my lashes.

His eyebrows crinkle with worry. “Is it enough for you?”

“Of course it is.” I nod. “I love you. You’re the best husband in the world. And I’m grateful, I really am. I just wanted the whole package, you know? Does that make me a bad person?”

“No.” A tender smile spreads across his face. “You’ve got a mother’s heart. And I don’t believe your desire to have kids would be so damn strong if we weren’t meant to have them.” He brushes his thumb across my cheek. “The right baby is going to come along at the right time. We have to believe that.”

The hope and conviction in his eyes are beautiful, and I wish I could be strong like him. I wish I had his faith. Launching back into his arms, I cling to him, praying that his hope is enough for both of us.