Chapter 50 | Cecilia

Chapter 50

Cecilia

T his seemed like a better idea when I was back at my house. Standing outside Evie’s front door now, I want to vomit. I shift the box in my arms, glancing down at the collection of items I found scattered across my house. Each one breaks my heart. This sad collection of insignificant things is the only proof that we ever existed. That and the hole in my chest I don’t know how to patch. Evie’s words cracked me open with their honesty, and Liz and my mom’s intervention only broadened the fissure. Forgiveness doesn’t make me weak. Neither does apologizing.

I knock, hoping she’s home and equally praying she’s out or has company or sends me away. I would send me away. There’s a shuffling behind the door, and then Evie stands there. She’s wearing cheerleading shorts and a ribbed tank top. Her skin shines with a fresh tan, and her hair flows in auburn curls down her back. And that smile. I’m not sure I’ve ever seen her smile like that. It fades as soon as she looks up and finds me standing at her door.

She shifts the phone pressed to her ear. “Layla, I’ll call you back.”

“Hi,” I say after she hangs up. She hasn’t invited me in or said anything. Her eyes bore into me. Her expression isn’t angry or sad or expectant. It’s indifferent. And that is worse. How can she be indifferent to me already?

“What are you doing here?” she asks.

I hold the box out. “I thought you might want your stuff back.”

She takes the box, her eyes skimming the contents. After a moment, during which I literally want to die, she pulls the door open and steps back. “Thanks. I missed these slippers.”

“I figured.” We stand in the vestibule. It’s clear she’s not going to invite me all the way in, only enough to be polite. Still, I’m grateful. “How are you?”

She grimaces and holds up a hand. “Let’s not do this, Cee.”

My name in her mouth is like an uppercut. I step back and take a big breath. Her scent invades my nostrils, attacking the gaping wound in my chest. I’m too raw for this, but it’s now or never. I can tell that by Evie’s rigid posture if not by her words alone.

“I have something to say. Then I’ll go.”

She nods and drops the box at her feet. “As long as it’s not a speech about why we should get back together.”

I shake my head. “I think you made yourself clear on that matter.”

She almost smiles but pulls it back and crosses her arms. “Okay, then.”

“You were right,” I say. “About everything. What I did to Liz and Zoey was wrong, and how I treated you was unforgivable. I... I forgot what it was like to really be with someone. To be open and trusting. To depend on another person and have them need you back. You were this amazing thing in my life, Evie, and I didn’t appreciate you. I’m not sure I knew how. And that’s on me.”

She steps forward, her gaze softening at my words, and reaches out a hand.

I take the olive branch, linking our fingers. “I’m so sorry. I know that doesn’t matter now, but I had to say it.”

“It matters, Cee,” Evie says softly.

I let our hands fall apart and look up into her eyes, which are wet with tears. “Thank you for forcing me to face my choices. Because all of this, the last seventeen years of my life, has been a choice. And this summer made me see that maybe I’m choosing wrong. I have a lot to work through, and I’m honestly not sure where to start, but I’m going to do it.” I pull in a breath and step back toward the door. “I wish it hadn’t cost me you.”

She doesn’t say anything as I pull open her door and leave. She doesn’t follow me into the hallway and jump into my arms. That’s not my story. It’s never been my story. But I hold my head high as tears streak my cheeks. My heart is heavy with this loss. I’m going to feel it for a long time. But my soul... My soul is a little bit lighter.