Chapter 49 | Liz

Chapter 49

Liz

“ Y ou can’t push her like that, honey,” my mother says. Her tone holds little chastisement, but I still feel it across the line. “You know how your sister is.”

I shift the phone to my other ear. “Stubborn as a mule?”

I’m reorganizing the stack of books and magazines on the coffee table for the third time this morning. Coffee-table books were never my thing, but this table begged for one. The copy of Humans of New York my mom gave me will have to suffice.

“You can’t undo seventeen years of anger with one dinner,” Mom continues, her tone even. She never takes sides. Somehow, she always toes the line. “Or even one summer.”

I sigh, a bit dramatically, because I can and because Cecilia. I pick up the latest edition of Talented that Zoey left behind. “But she doesn’t even try, Mom.”

“She is trying. She never would’ve included your father and sister in a conversation about family before.”

True. But I can’t see a future where we can all come together without awkward silences and death stares, where I don’t have to watch my words in order not to offend my older sister or hurt my younger one. “Is it wrong that I don’t want my daughter growing up with this needless drama? You and Dad are friends, Mom! Finding that out, it’s like this whole new world opened up before me, and it seems infinitely easier.”

My mom sighs. “I am sorry I never told you. It seemed, well, I didn’t want to confuse your feelings at first, and then there never seemed a right time, and then when she was old enough, Zoey didn’t want you to like her because I did. She wanted your relationship to be organic sisterhood. I did try to show you the relationship, but perhaps you thought I was being polite.”

She pauses, and I can imagine her sitting at the breakfast nook, sipping a late-morning coffee, wringing her hands as she tries to find the right words that won’t betray either of her daughters.

“It’s not wrong to wish away the drama, Liz, but she’s allowed her feelings too.”

Toe, meet line. “I know. Anyway, I have to go, Mom. Jules will be here in a few minutes.”

“Right. Good luck, honey.”

I’m not sure luck is what I need, but I’ll take it. As soon as the call disconnects, my phone buzzes. I swear if Julian is running late, I’ll kill him. But it’s not Julian. No, the name on the screen sends a jolt of longing through me. Spencer. We haven’t spoken since that last time at Barnes & Noble. He’s respectful like that. I asked for space, and he gave it. I click to open the text. Hope the morning sickness has passed. Another one pops up. I miss you. And then a third. I needed to say it.

Today, of all days. There’s no rhyme or reason to it. It’s a random Monday, but he’s thinking about me. I press my eyes shut as pressure builds in my head. How do I answer? The truth? I miss him. I yearn for him. I dream about him. Silence? Ignorance? My fingers hover over the keys. I can’t text Spencer while Julian is on his way here. It’s unfair to both of them. I pocket my phone. Silence will have to do for now.

The doorbell rings, and I jump at the sound. I sit for an extra moment, composing myself, praying that when I see him I’ll have my answer. Both choices are a risk. Going back to him doesn’t fix our marriage. It doesn’t erase Sheila or Spencer or the new knowledge we have about the holes in our picture-perfect story. Leaving him presents a hard road. Being a single mom never crossed my mind, and I can’t imagine it’s remotely easy. Even with family and a co-parent, those nights where the baby doesn’t sleep will be long and lonely.

I cross the short space to the door and count to five. It’ll be fine. Either way. My heart will know the way. It always has before. I open the door, and he’s there. I blink, but he looks the same as ever in a polo shirt, khaki shorts, and boat shoes. His hair is slightly too long, but his expression is bright and his smile big. Did this summer not happen to him?

“Babe!” He pulls me into a hug before I can stop him.

His scent surrounds me, and my body relaxes into the familiar and the known. We fit. We’ve always fit. I hold on to him, afraid to let go. Afraid to look into his eyes and know a different truth. Because now that he’s standing in front of me, I’m not ready. I’m not sure I will ever be ready for this moment.

He pulls back, and his blue eyes lock on mine. He smiles again, and then his lips are on mine. I’m too shocked to pull away. My lips part, and the tiniest flare of something goes through me. This kiss is not quick or congratulatory. It’s wanting and longing and territorial. I let him deepen the kiss, and I can’t lie. I feel it. His tongue dances with mine, and his fingers tangle in my hair, and he does all the things I like, but the kindling doesn’t catch. My desire washes away, and another kiss that almost always tastes like coffee comes to mind. I picture Spencer’s strong hands soft on my body, and I can’t banish them. Julian is kissing me, but I’m with Spencer.

I pull back too quickly, putting my hands out between us to ward off any further attempts at kissing. “Jules.”

“Sorry.” He at least has the gumption to look ashamed. “It’s just... We’re having a baby, and I’ve missed you.”

I swallow the fact that he’s come from vacation with another woman. Julian only sees the story he wants to see, and for him, it doesn’t matter that he was probably dick deep in someone else a few days ago because he’s here now, and all is right in his world. How did I ever mistake this obliviousness for romance?

He reaches for my hand, and it feels heavy in mine, as if we’re no longer holding each other up, but he’s weighing me down.

“This summer has been the worst, Liz. I’m glad it’s over.”

Something unfurls inside me. A weight drops, and the fogs clears. My heart aches and soars in equal parts. And between one blink and the next, I know.

“I want a divorce.”

Julian’s jaw goes slack, and he steps away from me. My words blindsided him, though they shouldn’t have. Maybe if there wasn’t a baby or if he didn’t build this fake rom-com in his head where that fact magically put us back together or if he spent a moment of this summer considering that I might not come home, he would’ve been at least partially prepared for those four words. But that’s not Julian.

“But we’re having a baby,” he says pointedly.

I press my hands to my stomach. “We don’t have to be married to have a baby together.”

His expression goes from confused to annoyed in an instant. His eyes darken, and lines crinkle his forehead. “I won’t let you keep this baby from me.”

“That’s not what I want,” I say calmly. “This is our baby. We can co-parent or something. But we... I can’t do this anymore.”

“Do what?” he asks, his voice rising. “Be married to me? Love me?”

“You don’t want to be married to me, Jules.” I consider taking a step toward him, but his expression is hard. Instead, I walk into the living room and sit in the armchair. Julian follows but doesn’t sit. He stands behind the couch. In a minute, he’ll be pacing. “You think you do. You always have, and you always come back. But you also always leave.”

“And you never let me forget it.”

Is that true? I’ve spent the last five years since the wedding purposely not making him feel that way. The ring sealed the deal and the drama of our past with it. But maybe I haven’t done as good a job as I thought.

“You just came from vacation with another woman,” I say, annoyance tinging my words. “Do you honestly want me to believe you haven’t been fucking Sheila this whole time?”

He stiffens at the accusation but doesn’t deny it. He doesn’t even try. “As if you didn’t sleep with anyone else this summer.”

I wonder for a second how he knows. I kept Spencer as close to the vest as possible without making him feel like a secret, and I didn’t tell anyone we had sex except Zoey. And yet, Julian is looking at me smugly, as if he’s certain.

“You weren’t exactly subtle about it either,” he says. “My friends saw you down the shore all over another guy.”

Sorry is about to come out of my mouth, but I swallow it down. I have nothing to be sorry for. “And did you tell them we were separated because you decided to have an emotional affair?”

“Seriously?” he asks, his eyes flaring.

“You always think there’s something better out there. Better than me—your wife, your muse.” My voice cracks toward the end because it’s true. Julian is always searching for something, and he always will be. “I won’t spend my life picking up the pieces and making excuses and wondering who the next Sheila will be. I deserve more than half your heart.”

His expression changes to one of pensiveness. He crosses his arms, not liking whatever answer he’s come up with in his mind. “Is this about him ?”

An image of Spencer splayed out on a beach towel passes through my mind. I could love him, but this isn’t about him. “No, this is about our daughter. I want you to be a part of her life, Jules. I want us to find a way to be friends and raise her together, but...”

“But what?”

I stand and fix him with a stare so intense he straightens from leaning on the back of the couch. “But if you hurt her by disappearing like you’ve done to me our entire relationship, that’s it. No second chances.”

“I would never do that to our daughter.”

Maybe he won’t. Probably he will.

“We’ll see.” I walk into the kitchen without looking back at him. The sonogram photos are held to the fridge with a Cape May magnet. I pull the last two off—my least favorite, if I’m being honest—and hand them to Julian. “Take these. My next appointment is in two weeks. It’s an important one. Will you come with me?”

He blinks back tears, and his hands tremble against the grainy images. “Yes, of course.” He looks up at me, his face pale, his eyes glassy. “Did you tell Jane?”

I shake my head. “I thought you would want to do that.”

“Can we tell her together?” His face has settled into resignation, and tears slide down his cheeks. Reality has finally reached Julian. “The good and the bad?”

“Yes, we can.”

He wipes away the tears. “How do I do this without you?”

I touch his face, the way I have a million times before. It has never felt so much like a goodbye. “You’ll figure it out, Jules. And I think you’ll be happier for it.”