Chapter 13

Chapter

Thirteen

Ugly and terrifying reality slammed into Autumn.

Her and Jarom … nothing was right about them being together. Nothing. She could never be the right match for such an inspiring and beautiful man. He was beautiful inside and out, and she was only beautiful on the outside. She was ugly and twisted, cold and vengeful on the inside.

“No,” she cried out, throwing her hands in the air. He was too much, moving too fast, and though he seemed as sincere as the day was long, she didn’t know if she could trust him not to move on, or trust herself not to darken or destroy his light. They could never be together long term. She was lying to herself even imagining it. She had to stop this insanity. Her usual instinct to prove how superior her wit or fighting skills were didn’t work with Jarom. She loved their banter, but she didn’t want to hurt him or best him.

“Please, Jarom. Stop. Let’s … change the subject. Change the day. This is much too heavy.” She gestured between the two of th em and then searched around for something to do to distract herself and him, most of all to not keep staring into his eyes and being a second away from making commitments she’d never be able to keep. “Let’s go off the rope swing.”

“Into the freezing lake?” He pointed at the icy blue. It did look cold.

“Are you too much of a pretty boy?” she challenged, surprised he’d let her change the subject and unable to miss the disappointment in his blue eyes. He was brave and a true gentleman. Though he’d shared his feelings with her, risking her hitting him and rejecting him, he wouldn’t push her too hard.

“Certainly not.” He winked, gallant and teasing again. “But I would hate to ruin these fabulous boots.” He lifted one foot up. She was more drawn to the polished billionaire, but the cowboy look was nothing to complain about, especially on Jarom. She was convinced he could wear any style, make anyone his friend, conquer even her hardened heart.

No. Not the last one.

“Take them off, then,” she said.

He studied her, then bent and slid off first one boot and then the other. Enthralled by the way he made slipping cowboy boots off look enticing, she stared openly.

Straightening, he took off the plaid jacket and set it aside. The muscles in his arms were defined and lean. Her mouth watered as she imagined him slipping that T-shirt off.

“I’d hate to ruin this high-quality T-shirt.”

She laughed unsteadily. Was he a mind reader?

That T-shirt was a fraction the cost of his normal wear. She refused to say what he wanted her to. Especially as all she wanted at the moment was for him to take off that shirt so she could view his chest again.

She could hardly believe how much she’d changed in her thoughts about him and their progression since she’d seen him without a shirt in his closet, he’d flirted with her like a specialist in charm, and she’d knocked him onto his back, sprawling on top of him.

Her blood heated thinking about those moments. She wanted to reenact them. Even more disconcerting, she felt as if she now knew Jarom on a deep, personal level. She liked everything she’d learned about him since meeting him in real life. He was everything she’d dreamed about as her celebrity crush and a million times more. It was terrifying because the real him was nothing like she’d expected. If only she could let him be her safe space, her love.

Shaking her head to clear it, she focused on the pine trees where she caught a glimpse of Chad’s black shirt.

“Chad is watching out for us. Let’s have some fun.”

She pulled out her pistol and set it with his boots and jacket. Rushing to the edge of the lake, she lifted the rope off the hook on a pine tree, had a brief moment to wonder if the lake was deep enough this late in the fall or if the water levels had dropped and they might hit bottom, and how cold it would be. Then she tossed the worries away, ran a couple steps, jumped, and reached as high as she could on the knots on the rope. She swung out over the pristine lake, let go, and launched into the air.

“Yeah!” she cried out. Flying into the air and feeling like a rag doll with no effects of gravity was exhilarating. Plummeting toward the water made her stomach pitch as anticipation heightened.

Slamming into the block of icy, cold liquid and plunging down was not one bit fun .

The pressure of the heavy, freezing water surrounded her. Her ears clogged, and the chill of the water instantly made her head ache. She hadn’t taken off her shoes or any of her clothes, including the thick sweatshirt. Kicking toward the surface felt impossible. Her shoes and clothes and the uncaring darkness all weighed her down. Was she going to drown? Jarom would be undefended, and she hadn’t even gotten the kiss she longed for.

Where did one go who snubbed their nose at heaven? She’d faced death many times but had never been so acutely aware of what she was lacking. It would be uncomfortable to meet her maker and give the excuse that she’d had an awful childhood and therefore had never chosen to trust in Him. Instead, she’d let resentment fill her soul and blamed God and man for her defensiveness and emotional isolation.

No! These were irrational and stupid thoughts. She was Autumn Cardon. She wasn’t going to die in a lake and make all the people who’d tried to kill her happy.

She kicked harder and peered up through the murky, bitterly cold, dense liquid. She had to reach the surface.

A large body angled toward her. Crying out in surprise, she got a mouthful of cold water. Her lungs seemed to fill, and she coughed underwater, somehow pulling in even more of the icy liquid.

As the body sliced through the water, she recognized Jarom and her fear fled. She reached out for him.

Jarom wrapped his hands under her arms and easily tugged her to the surface, only a couple feet away. She coughed and sputtered, appreciating the crisp air, the sun’s touch, and most of all Jarom’s arms and support.

“Hold on, love,” he said. He swam her quickly toward the edge and lifted her up onto the bank. They were both dripping wet. Her coughing settled. He looked over every inch of her, trepidation evident in his blue orbs. “What do you need? Besides a heated blanket and hot cocoa.”

Autumn smiled through chattering lips. He was trying to make her smile despite his worry.

Chad appeared on the ledge they’d launched off of. “You two all right?”

Jarom looked at her. He was fine. It was her they were worried about. Instead of feeling defensive and mouthing off that no man need concern himself with her well-being, she felt Jarom and even Chad’s concern deeply. She appreciated it.

“Yes,” she admitted, thankfully not coughing any longer. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself and shivered.

“All right. I’ll let you have your minute.” Chad rolled his eyes, and she heard him mutter as he walked away, “Crazy in love fools.”

Jarom smiled at her. “You’re really all right?”

“How’d you know I was in trouble? I’ve never had a problem swimming before. My clothes and shoes weighed me down and I couldn’t get to the surface.” At least she’d conquered those fears and tried, but Jarom coming for her and rescuing her meant everything.

“I could claim instinct because of how much time I’ve spent in the water, but it was inspiration from above, my love. He knew you needed me at that moment.”

Her eyes widened, and she wasn’t certain how to respond.

“You … I … I don’t believe in inspiration,” she admitted. But Jarom had just saved her life, so how could she dispute his inspiration? She’d also wondered how she would face her Father above when she thought she would die. Did He not want her on the other side, or was He giving her another chance? The cold and the unanswerable questions made her head ache.

“Even if you don’t believe ...” Jarom’s gaze became apprehensive; he clearly understood she didn’t want to be preached to. But she was learning Jarom was brave in a very different way than she or most of her bodyguard buddies were. “Heavenly Father won’t stop loving you, Autumn. He’ll always be there for you, reaching out and waiting for you to turn to Him.”

Autumn’s breath shortened at the bold testimony. Usually she would put up her defenses—hit him, snap a sarcastic comment back, or tease about what he’d said. Instead, she simply laid her head against his chest and let herself savor how he protected her. Emotionally and even physically. She’d always protected herself, but she found she didn’t mind letting her guard down and leaning on Jarom.

The scarier question was, what if she needed to lean on Heavenly Father?

Jarom wrapped her up tight. They sat there on the bank, the autumn sun thawing her, but Jarom’s warmth and care for her warmed her more.

“No one has ever rescued me before,” she admitted, not looking at him, speaking into the warm skin of his throat.

“Truly? I’m a more gallant hero than your bodyguard associates? That’s hard to believe, my angelic Athena.”

She smiled, her heart and breathing settling from the scare, but it was near impossible to calm completely with Jarom’s arms around her. His very presence sent every nerve tingling. She was falling for him, the iron around her heart melting under the torch of his kindness.

“It is true,” she insisted. “I should be the one doing the rescuing. You’re reversing our roles and I have no desire to hit you for it, or tell you I’m no angel.”

“You are absolutely an angel,” he insisted. “It is good news that you don’t long to smack me, but I’ll receive any hit, kick, or broken arm for the chance to be close to you, Autumn.”

Her pulse took off. He called her love often, but he didn’t say her name often. How could he keep insisting she was an angel? She was born and raised by a she-devil and had become one herself in different ways. She’d never hurt an innocent child, but she’d hurt and killed plenty of deceitful and evil men. Charles seeing her kill had flipped her away from him, and she was certain Jarom would be the same.

An avenging angel? Possibly.

A beautiful and sweet angel worthy of Jarom? Never.

The moment stretched between them. She realized how weak she was for him—she didn’t try disputing his words, hitting him, or at the very least straightening and standing on her own as she always did. She had no frame of reference for how to deal with his words of a Father above who loved her and was waiting for her to turn to Him.

She did have an incredible idea about how to deal with this very perfect man holding her. Even if it was the wrong response as they could never be together like she yearned to be and he kept claiming he wanted to be, she wanted to be as brave as he was. Jarom possessed a quiet and inspiring bravery she’d rarely witnessed.

“If you kissed me, do you think I’d sucker punch you?” she asked, a tremble in her voice.

His smile was warm and alluring. “It would be well worth it.”

Then he bowed his head closer to hers. Autumn arched up toward him, fisting his wet shirt in her hands and meeting his lips. The kiss started with urgency and longing. She was united with Jarom and there was no place else she’d ever want to be.

He met her passion and her yearning, fusing their lips and souls together in an inspiring dance of their mouths.

She lost track of time as she soared above the cold, dark, mean world she’d known to one only Jarom could take her to. A world filled with light, joy, fulfillment, love … emotions and feelings she’d never reached for, never known could be available for her. Jarom freely gave her that light and joy. His kiss proclaimed his love and devotion and the future they could have as one.

After who knew how long, Jarom slowed the kisses down, tenderly kissing her cheek, her neck, and then her forehead. It felt as if he savored her and every moment and every touch.

Footsteps came above, and she yanked back. She’d lost all track of time and consciousness of her role or anything but loving Jarom.

Chad peered down at them. “Ah, shoot,” he muttered. “Sorry. You all were just quiet for a very, very long time.”

“It was a blissful long time,” Jarom murmured for only her to hear. “The best experience of my life.”

Autumn’s heart thudded happily. She knew how many fabulous experiences he’d had with his parents, his travel, dating accomplished and famous women throughout the world. Somehow, she knew he was serious and their kiss trumped everything else.

She wanted to kiss him all over again. More, she wanted to never leave him.

“No worries, Chad, my friend,” Jarom said, standing and helping her to her feet. “We were just finishing up.”

“Didn’t look finished to me,” Chad teased with a glint in his hazel eyes. He turned and headed back toward the forest.

“Not even close to finished,” Jarom admitted, gazing at her with heat in his blue eyes. “Any desire to punch me?”

“Honestly?” She bit her lip. “None.”

“I believe that means we should try again.”

Autumn should say no. She should. But Chad was watching out for them, and she didn’t want to face the reality of she and Jarom having no future.

Instead of being smart, rational, focusing on her job, or acting anything like Autumn Cardon normally did, she tilted up to him and said, “Yes. Let’s kiss until I punch you.”

“Done, love.”

Autumn melded her lips with his, soaring from the pressure and thrill of his lips.

She didn’t punch him. She had no desire to punch him. When would reality manifest itself? Hopefully never.

But experience told her the thick, bitter cold and darkness would creep in far too soon.

She’d lose Jarom one way or another, and the pain and heartbreak she’d thought she felt for Charles would be nothing compared to when she lost Jarom.

Jarom was her light and her world. When he left her, she would be devastated.