Chapter 11

Chapter

Eleven

Autumn heard Jarom’s door shut and then she ran into the bathroom, turned the shower on, and sank to the tiled floor outside the shower. She let herself cry. Autumn Cardon. Crying. Over a man.

She was mad at him for trying to push past her boundaries. She was furious at herself for hurting him. What kind of monster was she? Wiping at her tears, she knew she had to find a way not to react violently. It was her instinctive nature to protect herself and others.

What was she doing hurting a gentle and incredible man like Jarom?

Almost as big of a worry … she was falling for him.

Could he be genuine?

No! He was a player to the hundredth degree, and she was all kinds of an idiot to think she could be the woman who secured Jarom Love’s heart. Even if she did, she could never live in his world or damage him with her dark and ugly past .

Stupid. Short-sighted. Desperate. In love with Jarom Love.

No!

She took a long, hot shower, her tears mixing with the water, and finally climbed into bed, drifting off and wishing she wouldn’t dream.

She was hiding in the top of a closet. The man was coming. The man who’d come home with her mom and wouldn’t stop staring at Autumn as she cleaned up the kitchen. Now Mom was passed out drunk and the man was searching the small apartment for her, calling her name softly. She wanted to cry out in fear, but she couldn’t let him find her.

The closet door banged open, light outlining the edges of the flimsy piece of plastic that now protected her. She cowered deeper into her hiding spot. Seconds of terror ticked by. She could hear his breathing and her own. Sweat trickled down her back. She wished she could pray, but she found out long ago it did no good.

He found the cover to the secret compartment, laughed darkly, and ripped it off. His dark eyes focused in on her.

“There you are. C’mere, girl.” He grabbed her and yanked her out of the closet.

Her only safe space had failed her.

Autumn screamed and screamed. She hit at him, poked her fingers in his eyes, clawed at his face. He finally released her and she ran for the door, screaming. Jed would protect her, if she could just get to his apartment and if he answered the door in the middle of the night.

“Autumn … Autumn.”

Strong warm hands were wrapped around her arms and shaking her. The man smelled like the most delectable cologne. But that didn’t make sense .

“Autumn.”

She pried her gritty eyelids open. Jarom leaned over her in the bed. He was bent close, his facial features barely distinguishable in the darkened room.

“Jarom,” she whispered.

“Forgive me for invading your privacy. You were screaming out in your sleep and I couldn’t restrain myself any longer.”

She stared up at him. A flash of defensive anger filled her. He’d entered her bedroom, was sitting on the side of her bed, and his large warm palms were on her arms. She swallowed down a defensive retort and stilled her hands from lashing out.

As their gazes locked, she realized that as any anger or self-preservation fled, she was filled with gratitude. He was here. For her.

She broke his hold, sat up, and wrapped her arms around his neck.

Jarom cuddled her against his strong chest and his soft T-shirt. He smelled … like himself, sweet, manly, spicy. That scent and the comfort of not being in the nightmare but in his arms made her sigh and lean into him.

He eased back against the headboard and cradled her close. She never wanted to leave this spot—safety, comfort, exhilaration. It made no sense that a man she’d previously thought couldn’t fight his way out of a beauty parlor full of his adoring females would be the one who made her feel safe, but he did. Jarom would protect her emotionally and she would protect him physically.

She inhaled slowly in and out, in and out. How did he smell like himself again? Every smell, touch, and feel was her Jarom.

He tenderly stroked her back with one hand and his other hand trailed through her hair. She had no idea how long he held her, but it felt like heaven.

“Thank you,” she whispered against his neck.

“Of course.” He spoke into her hair. She wanted to arch up and kiss him. “Do you have nightmares often?”

“Almost every night,” she admitted.

“Oh, Autumn. That’s horrible. I’m sorry.”

It wasn’t his fault, and this was the first time anybody had comforted her after a nightmare. It felt like a ray from heaven.

But she didn’t believe heaven cared about her. Right?

“Something from childhood or from security details?”

“Childhood,” she admitted, surprised she got that out. Not even Paul knew about her nightmares, the abuse from her mom, and the men who’d tried to find her. Luckily, she’d been small and had her secure hiding spot. The panel at the back of her closet had protected her more times than she could count. Unlike in her dream, nobody had found her there. She never hid there to avoid a beating from her mom because she didn’t want her to know about the space. If the men didn’t leave at night, she slept in there with the mice and spiders. She’d stayed safe, in a manner of speaking, but the fear never left.

“Your mom hurt you,” he guessed.

Usually when someone pushed her, she wanted to throat punch them. With Jarom, there was a level of trust she’d never had. She swallowed down her initial reaction and chose to open up instead of closing down.

“She did, and her boyfriends would try to find me after she passed out. They never did find me, but … it was a horrifying way to grow up, constantly on the defensive and knowing one mistake and I’d be in their power.” She bit at her lip. Even though she’d decided to share, she was stunned and em barrassed at what had just slid out of her mouth. What would Jarom think of her?

“Oh, Autumn,” Jarom groaned out. He held her and didn’t say any more. Tears pricked at her eyes and trailed down her cheeks.

She didn’t even brush them away.

“How did you survive?”

“I was always scared,” she admitted.

“Of course you were, and I hate that for you.” He swallowed; she felt it against her forehead. “It isn’t your fault, Autumn. Your mother physically and emotionally hurting you, those men who terrified you, they’re the ones to blame, the ones who will have to pay for injuring an innocent child.”

She pulled back just enough to stare up at him. “You had a perfect childhood, right?”

“I did,” he admitted. “I was loved and safe and given every advantage.” He swallowed. “That’s why I try to do so much for children. I can’t stand the thought of one child suffering or going without.”

She licked her lips. He was serious. She could feel it in his words. Jarom was not what the media or anyone else made him out to be, and she found she wasn’t upset that he had an ideal childhood. She was glad he had and grateful he helped others.

“Is this why you stay away from relationships?” he asked.

“Yes.” There was more. So much darkness inside of her. She was a warrior, not a lover.

“Have you ever let down your guard with a man?” he asked softly.

Autumn should’ve stopped talking minutes ago, but she heard herself say, “I fell in love once. He dumped me.”

“Idiot,” Jarom muttered.

That made her smile. Charles wasn’t an idiot. He was the smart one who’d gotten away. Jarom would be an idiot to think they had a future. No sane person, but especially not the most desirable man on earth, should want to be in a relationship with someone who had nightmares every night, who kicked the man she cared about. Why wasn’t Jarom pushing her away instead of holding her?

She cuddled into him and closed her eyes. Thankfully he didn’t ask for any more details about Charles or her abusive childhood. He simply held her, and that was exactly what she needed. As she drifted to sleep in his arms, she wondered if she shouldn’t ask him to leave. But she trusted him, and she wanted him close. She consciously chose to let down her guard completely and let a man stay close while she was most vulnerable. Even when she’d been happily in love with Charles she wouldn’t have put herself in this position.

A pounding woke her. Autumn startled and blinked her eyes open. She was lying against Jarom’s chest, wrapped in his beautiful arms as he stretched out on the bed next to her.

Jarom’s blue gaze stared back at her. He gave her an enchanting smile. “Good morning, love.”

All the memories of last night rushed back in. The nightmare. Jarom waking her, telling him far too much, him holding her, choosing to trust him. It had been beautiful, but in the light of day it was terrifying.

What had she been thinking?

“Oh my!” she cried out, sitting straight up in bed and edging away from him instead of punching him in the gut like her normal reaction would be. That was at least a win.

“Autumn!” The door sprung open. Easton stood framed in it. “Are you okay? ”

“Fine. I’m fine.” Her shaky voice revealed how unsteady she was.

She slid off the bed and stood to face Easton. Jarom stood next to her. He didn’t touch her. She found herself craving his touch, which she knew was not smart or rational. He’d held her so sweetly last night, stopped her nightmares, and treated her with kindness and respect.

What did she do for him? Sure, she was his bodyguard, but she was paid to do that. She pushed him away at any chance, punched and kicked him. She wasn’t worthy of Jarom in any way. Thinking about Charles last night should remind her how similar the two men were—kind, charming, wealthy, patient, filled with faith. She didn’t fit with either of them.

“Jarom?” Easton looked between them. “That explains where you went.”

Jarom only nodded to Easton. He didn’t explain why he’d slept in Autumn’s bed. He didn’t make excuses. Nothing.

“It’s not like it … looks,” Autumn said quietly. She was more concerned about letting down her guard with Jarom than what this appeared to be. Jarom would think they were developing a relationship, her sharing and allowing him in emotionally like she had. Nothing could be further from the truth. No relationship would work for her, especially not one with a kind, wealthy Christian. “Let’s go work out.”

Both men raised their eyebrows. Easton was obviously disappointed and Jarom seemed disappointed as well.

The workout was quiet and much less fun than yesterday. Easton’s country music was the only sound besides weights clanking.

After their workouts, they went in to shower. Easton stayed to feed his horses and bulls. Autumn was far too drawn to Jarom and she had no clue what to do about it. He was obviously interested, but he didn’t understand what he was putting himself into. No famous, billionaire believer from a happy family would be content for long with a woman with her past, her career, or her iron heart.

She checked her texts. Aiden had nothing new. Her instructions were still to keep Jarom safe.

The text from Paul pulled her up short.

Hey. I feel like you should know. I told Jarom that he had more of a chance with you than anyone.

Her stomach pitched and her neck got hot. How dare you? she typed back quickly.

Hey. I know how closed off you are, but this is big brother talking. Give someone a chance.

I’ll never trust you again.

If you fall in love and aren’t miserable and alone your entire life, I will deal with you not trusting me.

Paul. Her hand shook as she typed. You know me better than most, but you don’t know near enough. I will never fall in love.

She shoved her phone back in the pocket, ignoring the ding of a return text. What was happening to her? She had to keep her mask on—flirt, have fun, not get serious about anything. It was the only way to stay safe out in the open. Not hide in that closet in fear of a man finding her vulnerable and destroying her. Yet Jarom had held her through the night. She’d fallen asleep while he was still awake. He hadn’t taken advantage of her in any way.

Gah! She couldn’t focus on any of this. She shoved her emotional attachment to Jarom away.

Hurrying out into the hallway, she came up short when Jarom was already standing there. His smile was warm and intimate. As if he knew her. He didn’t. Nobody did, and if they did, they’d wish they didn’t. Just as Charles had.

“Hello. Did you sleep all right, my love?”

Her eyes widened. Time to tease and hide the emotion. “Fabulous, Adonis. I always sleep better in a man’s arms.” She winked.

“Whose arms have you slept in besides mine?” Jarom’s blue eyes narrowed. He was obviously upset, and his voice was as husky and angry as she’d ever heard it.

“You’ll never know.” She winked and sashayed past him.

Jarom wrapped his arm around her waist and tugged her to a stop. Her instinct was to whip around and punch him. Her fist darted forward almost of its own accord. She tensed all her muscles and stopped her fist an inch from his abdomen.

“Whoa,” he murmured. “Look at that self-control, my love.”

“Don’t make me regret not punching you.”

“I’ll take the risk.” He wrapped her up tight and pulled her in to his chest. “Please answer the question before I go insane.”

“Jarom.” Her throat was dry and scratchy. He risked getting hurt to hold her tight and know if he was the only one she trusted as she’d trusted last night.

She wanted to keep teasing, but she didn’t know how to at this moment. That scared her. Her answer scared her even more. “I’ve never let down my guard and fallen asleep in a man’s arms before.”

The look he gave her surprised her. She thought he’d show the overconfident man he was and maybe not gloat because he was so classy, but at least look triumphant. Instead, he looked compassionate for the obvious fear she had and grateful she hadn’t been sleeping around or trusting other men as she trusted him.

“Autumn. Thank you for trusting me so deeply,” he said in a husky voice.

“I don’t …” She tried to lie, but it stuck in her throat. She cleared her throat and blinked quickly. She would not cry and make him even more concerned. If anyone else in this world knew Autumn Cardon could be this weak, she’d lose all credibility. With Jarom, she had no fears of him mocking her or spreading her weakness. He was trustworthy. “Thank you for being trustworthy,” she managed to say.

Jarom’s blue gaze penetrated through her. Did he realize she hadn’t trusted a man like that? Ever? Even dating Charles, she’d only told him sparse details about her childhood and never slept in his arms.

She’d pretty much admitted to Jarom he was the only one she could trust like this, but she didn’t think anyone could understand how deeply her mistrust of others went. Her only friends were some fellow bodyguards who for the most part had the emotional depth of a gnat. That wasn’t fair; Paul and Aiden were compassionate. But she’d never let her guard down around either of them, and Paul had betrayed her trust by telling Jarom he had a chance. Jarom was getting far too many tools to dismantle her heart of iron. She had to be stronger.

Footsteps came on the steps. Jarom looked her over and said, “This conversation will be continued.”

She gave him a sassy look. “I don’t think so. Unless you want a punch in the gut.” She wasn’t about to tell him her commitment to not hurt him again.

“Worth it,” he said, his jaw rock hard and his blue eyes determined .

Autumn trembled and redoubled her commitment to sass him and create an emotional distance. Even if she couldn’t punch him.

“What’s the plan today, friends?” Easton called out.

Autumn stepped back and turned to the cowboy. Easton’s gaze was wounded and frustrated. She could only imagine what he thought, and it wasn’t good. She had no moral reputation to uphold, she didn’t turn to heaven, but Mama Millie had been kind to her yesterday and she didn’t want her or the Coleville family thinking she or Jarom were some … loose people.

“Jarom held me after I had a nightmare,” she burst out with. “Nothing happened. We’re not together or doing something inappropriate.”

“Autumn,” Jarom said softly. It wasn’t a reprimand; it was as if she’d wounded him.

She refused to look at Jarom. Easton appeared pleased.

“That’s good to hear.” Easton said. “So what you’re saying is … I’ve still got a chance?” He gave her a cheeky grin.

Jarom touched her arm softly. She glanced up at him and saw in his eyes that he wanted her to say they were together. He wanted to protect her emotionally and love her.

“Not happening,” she muttered to Jarom. She hated hurting him, emotionally or physically. What was happening to her?

His blue eyes pleaded with her. She couldn’t let him melt her heart of iron. She feared he already had.

“What is our plan?” she asked brightly, spinning to focus on Easton.

“Nothing too exciting, I’m afraid. I need to check fence line and practice.”

“Autumn and I will go on a walk around the property,” Jarom said.

“I don’t think so,” she sassed back as she glanced up at him.

“Please.” She’d occasionally seen his ‘business face’ on social media, but usually he was happy and teasing and light. Right now, he was intense and she could see why he was so successful. His charm, good looks, work ethic, and background all helped, but he had a steely backbone too. She was sucked in by that confident appeal combined with the unique trust she had in him and how he treated her. His blue eyes asked her to agree. He wanted to be alone with her. What if he tried to talk about her childhood, the nightmares, or a future between them? She’d made it clear enough they had no future. Right?

“We’ll meet you back here for lunch,” Autumn murmured, not taking her eyes off of Jarom.

“All right.” Easton let out a heavy breath. “I’ll have Chad follow you.”

“Thank you, Easton,” Jarom said smoothly, but his eyes were thanking her for agreeing to go on a walk.

“Sure.” Easton saluted them and trudged down the stairs.

Autumn turned to Jarom. “Nothing like your usual exciting life, eh?”

“Being close to you is more excitement than anything in my previous life, love.”

He was back to the charming lines. She had to keep up. “Oh, I’m certain. None of those frilly ladies can kick you in the head when you need it?”

He chuckled. “That was a first. You are definitely unique, Autumn.”

Was ‘unique’ a compliment?

She turned and headed for the stairs instead of begging for a compliment .

What was happening to her? Autumn Cardon didn’t beg for compliments. Men the world over complimented her, and she brushed them off.

She didn’t know how to brush Jarom off.