Chapter 31

CHAPTER THIRTY-ONE

P anic had been the only word for what he'd felt after making love to Cyn in her bedroom. When he'd realized she was a virgin, the anger had given him something to hold on to when inside he was reeling. He'd never felt such fierce emotion before.

He was currently seated in a public house three days after he'd walked out on her, drinking ale, feeling sorry for himself, and, at the same time, loathing the gutless way he'd behaved. With distance from Cyn, reality had returned.

"Another, my lord?"

"Please," he said to the waitress.

Leo had rebuilt the walls around his emotions after what happened with his father and vowed no one would penetrate them. Since Cyn's return to his life, he felt cracks forming, and that scared him.

How could Lord Lowell not have loved her, when everything Leo knew about Cyn made him love her more? He could allow himself to acknowledge that silently.

Clearly, her late husband had been a dictator. He'd taken a young woman, reeling from the loss of the man she'd believed she would spend the rest of her life with, and molded her into the woman he wanted to raise his children and then controlled her. Cyn hadn't confirmed that, but he knew it for the truth.

Unlike you, I grew up, and I won't let you destroy me a second time.

She'd said those words to him, and he'd walked away from her because he feared the hold she had over him. The power he would give her if he acknowledged what lay in his heart.

Since the day Ellen had knocked on his bedroom door crying, he'd made himself change. Shut himself away from what could hurt him.

He could still picture every detail of the day his father had taken his life with clarity. Staggering out of bed with a sore head after overindulging the night before and angry that someone was disturbing his precious sleep, he'd wrenched his door open. One look at the white face of his sister had stopped the roar he'd wanted to let loose. Leo had grabbed her shoulders as she swayed into him.

"What?" he'd demanded.

"H-he's dead, Leo."

His first thought had been Alex. His brother, who had been wounded away fighting for his country. He'd managed to rasp out his name. Ellen had shaken her head, her eyes huge in her pale face as she'd looked up at him.

"F-father. I-I found him."

Things were a little less clear after that. Leo had taken her hand, and they'd run together down the stairs and into his father's office. The butler had thrown a blanket over their father, but he'd seen the blood. Pulling his sister close, he shielded her, but she'd seen it… all of it.

"I hate you, Father," he muttered. Hate the gutless coward you were .

"So here you are," Alex said, sliding into the booth opposite him. "I have been trudging around London since I woke from my midday nap, which I had taken, as Harriet is from home. I went to the house to find you because I was bored, and Matilda told me you had left, and, in fact, you had barely been seen since the day of the Crabbett Close games."

"I have been busy," Leo said.

"You look sullen and out of sorts."

"I am neither," Leo said after a large mouthful of beer.

"Now we both know that is not true. Gray said that he and some of his fellow law enforcement colleagues are bringing in Baddon Boys to interview them."

"Good," Leo said. "She won't be safe until something is done. That Wolf needs to be stopped."

"Hello, darling, could I have an ale and an apple and blackberry pie?" Alex said, smiling at the waitress. She smiled back. Leo rolled his eyes.

"Manners cost nothing," Alex said, catching his look.

"You are married."

"To the woman that holds my heart and soul. But I can still smile and be nice to others. It is hardly their fault I am married."

Leo just stared at his brother.

"What's wrong, Leo? I thought the night of the Crabbett Close games, you and Cyn were close and drawing closer. We had hoped that perhaps?—"

"I argued with her and made a fool of myself," Leo found himself saying, much to his surprise.

"Why?" Alex now had a serious expression on his face.

Leo looked into his ale. "She could hurt me." He felt raw and exposed, but this was his brother, his best friend. If he was to talk to anyone about Cyn, it was him.

"Yes, she could, but I doubt the woman who looked at you the way Cyn did would ever want to. "

"How did she look at me?" Leo stared at his brother.

"Like the sun rose when you did, and now I want you to listen to me, Leo."

He nodded.

"I have many strong, honorable men in my life, Leo, but I have always counted you as the strongest and most honorable. You have a huge heart and capacity for love, which we, your family, are lucky to be the recipients of. But there is enough room in you to love Cyn and her children also. Let her in, brother. She is the woman for you now. Before, it was a young love, but this, what I see lies between you, is different."

"I have never felt what I do for Cyn with anyone before, Alex. I love you… everyone, but this… it feels like a vise has been placed around my heart. My chest burns when she is near, and…"

"And?" Alex prompted.

"She makes me weak and vulnerable. I never wanted to be that again."

"She also strengthens you, Leo. Harriet has changed me on the inside. I may laugh and joke and enjoy food more than is possibly good for me, but inside my heart is now full. I am loved by the most wonderful woman, who understands me. Harriet loves me for me. She sees my weakness, and my strength, and she has completed me, Leo."

He did not stop the tear that rolled down his cheek at his brother's words. "It is all I have ever wanted for you… all of you."

"I know it is, but it is also all we've ever wanted for you, brother. You have walked around presenting a facade to the world that you are the strong Lord Seddon, but inside you had darkness and demons that we could never reach. But Cyn has. Don't turn from that, brother. "

Leo lowered his forehead to the table and felt Alex's hand on his head, patting it gently.

"Now that we have bared our souls, I am ravenous, and just in time for this lovely lady to bring me pie. Two forks, I think, my dear. My brother is hungry also."

"I love you, brother," Leo said, lifting his head.

"As I love you. Now we eat, and then you find her."

"I am a fool," Leo said.

"It happens to us all before we capitulate. It's a last struggle to hold on to the life we know."

"Very likely." He took the fork the waitress handed him and ate a piece of pie.

"You'll need a grand gesture, you know," Alex said.

Leo sighed. He knew exactly what he would have to do.

…

Leo walked up the steps to the Abbott town house alone the following evening. He knew his family would follow shortly. But he had to do this alone for her.

He moved into the receiving line and attempted to ignore those around him and the shocked whispers that he was there. The Duke of Raven's ball had been another matter entirely that people in trade, industrialists, and nobles had frequented. Those that would step into this event would have blue blood like him. Although not quite as tainted.

"Good evening, Lord Seddon," the Duke of Abbott said as he reached him. "It is wonderful to see you again."

"You also, Duke." Leo bowed to him and his duchess. He then moved on to the door that would lead to the ballroom, which had stairs down, so everyone would have their eyes on him when he entered. You can do this for her.

"Lord Seddon," a servant announced loudly.

All eyes turned his way as he started down the stairs. Even those dancing, as if sensing something was happening, looked his way. He found her standing by a wall, which she had been doing at the Raven ball. Did she always do that? Have her back to something solid because that was how she protected herself?

He couldn't read her expression from here, but her eyes were on him. Reaching the last step, he headed in Cyn's direction. People greeted him, and he acknowledged them with a nod.

"Well past due, Seddon," the Duke of Raven said as he walked by him.

Cyn stood with her hands clenched at her sides, eyes wide as she watched him approach.

"Why are you here?" She held herself rigid, back pressed to the wall.

"Because I thought the only way to show you that I am truly sorry for the way I behaved and how much I love you was by stepping back into society."

There was no softening in her topaz eyes at his words.

"I won't have this discussion here, Leo."

"Will you dance with me?" he asked as a waltz started. Holding out a hand, Leo held her gaze. For the longest seconds, he thought she would refuse him, and then her small hand settled on his, and the muscles in his body eased.

Leading her to the dance floor, he nodded to his family, who were standing with the Duke and Duchess of Raven.

"Your family is here," Cyn whispered.

"To support me, and to show you they care."

"Th-that was kind of them."

"I'm not going anywhere, Cyn. I was scared and a fool. You were right, but I am no longer."

"And what has brought about this sudden change?" Her eyes were on his necktie.

"The realization that I don't want to spend my life without you."

"My children?— "

"I will love them as if they were my own, as you do."

He heard the small sob and pulled her closer, and for now, it was enough that he had her in his arms. Tomorrow, they would talk, but not here, with people all around them.

"I say, Seddon, how wonderful to see you again," Lady Haverstock said as she danced by in the arms of a younger man Leo could not place.

"And you, my lady."

"Are you back with us for good?"

He looked Cyn in the eyes and said, "Yes."