47. green flash

47

GREEN FLASH

I'm ready.

A total of sixteen days have passed since I last saw or heard from Leo. Sixteen excruciating, transforming, scary-as-fuck days. My phone weighs a thousand pounds as I dial his number. Despite timing my call for when I know he's working and won't be able to answer, I'm so nervous I'm breathless.

His recorded voice, though sterile and professional, still fills me with anticipation. God, I miss him. Using the script Dr. Wilson helped me with, I leave my carefully worded voicemail. Then I wait.

And wait.

At six o'clock in the evening, he responds.

I'll be there.

I barely sleep that night out of excitement and fear. I know there's a chance this will go horribly wrong. That my abrupt withdrawal caused him to reevaluate his feelings and whether or not he wants a relationship with me. But it's a risk I'm willing to take. A risk I have to take.

The drive to Pasadena is fairly smooth, not much traffic so early on a Saturday. I arrive at Arlington Garden twenty minutes before our nine o'clock meeting time and follow Kinsey's directions to the right spot. The gardens are beautiful in the dewy morning, sunlight falling in majestic beams through trees. I turn a corner and there it is—the labyrinth.

Standing just outside the rock-built design is Leo, his back to me, hands tucked in the pockets of his lightweight jacket. As my footsteps approach, his head lifts and his soft voice reaches my ears.

"This seven-circuit design is considered one of the most sacred in the world, its first appearance more than five thousand years ago."

I near where he stands. My hands tremble to touch him. "I know. It's the one you modeled Oasis' labyrinth after, isn't it?"

He nods, finally turning, gaze absorbing my features like he never thought to see me again. "Happy New Year, Amelia."

I smile weakly. "You too. I'd like to talk first, then, if you still want to, we can walk the labyrinth?"

"Of course."

We head to a nearby bench and sit a foot apart. It feels wrong but also right, the space necessary for this conversation. As I promised myself, I don't hesitate but jump right into free fall .

"Jameson already told me how you two met and how I was the favorite topic of conversation for a few years."

Elbows on his knees, Leo stares at the ground. "Okay." There's no surprise in his voice, only resignation. "Whatever questions you have, I'll tell you the absolute truth."

I gaze across the intricate, spiraling design. When I'm sure there's no anger in my voice, I finally speak. "I want to know why you lied to me for months. Why you asked me to trust you but wouldn't trust me back."

"Of course I trust you, Amelia. It wasn't about trust." He straightens, pivoting to face me. "I can remember the exact moment I started feeling something other than professional concern for my friend's sister. After months of hearing about you, I asked if Jameson had a picture. He showed me a shot of you on the beach before heading into the water. You were putting your hair up, your board on the sand beside you, your wetsuit already on."

I remember the moment and the photo. It was one of the rare occasions Jameson put on sunblock and came to the beach with me.

"I don't know what I was expecting," Leo murmurs. "Maybe the female version of Jameson. But there you were, blond and brown-eyed and tan, with a grin that was as wicked as it was joyful. All of a sudden, everything I'd learned about you came together in a new way. I realized how utterly captivated I was by you."

"With everything you knew about me, you were captivated ? I was a loose cannon."

"You were wild and uninhibited."

"I was a wrecking ball. "

"You were a perfect wave."

I sigh, my chin dropping to my chest. "It still doesn't sound healthy."

From the corner of my eye I see his wry smile. "Obsessions rarely are. But it's the truth. Even then, I had feelings for you. When you showed up at our game that night, I had every intention of talking to you."

"Why didn't you?" I whisper.

"The short answer is I had several missed calls from Marianne and a message that Vince had chickenpox. The long answer…" He sighs. "When I came out of the locker room, I saw you talking to Kevin. Your focus—your smile—was aimed at him. I was insanely jealous, then angry at myself for having these impossible feelings for a woman I'd never even met. Believe me, there were a million times over the next two years that I regretted not approaching you."

My eyes sting with tears. "Thank God you didn't," I tell him seriously. "I wasn't ready for you, Leo. I would have found a way to fuck everything up."

He laughs without mirth. "And instead, I found a way to do it. I'm sorry I wasn't honest with you. I knew treating you at Oasis was a bad idea. The worst, in fact. But I weighed it against the possibility of helping you and decided the risk was worth it."

The words fill me up, lift me. I'm buoyant and free. You never needed fear, Amelia. You just needed to feel safe. Dr. Wilson was right. Leo was right. I deserve this.

I deserve to be happy.

"I'm glad you took the risk," I tell him. "For what it's worth, I don't regret anything. Not our sessions, not the hot springs, not everything that's happened since."

"Neither do I. You have to know, Amelia, that even when I struggled with what happened at Oasis, it wasn't because of you. You have never been a mistake."

Closing my eyes, I immerse myself in the moment. The peace and rightness. Then I look at him, at his beautiful, sad face. And like he taught me, I speak the truth.

"I love you, Leo. I forgive you. Can you forgive me for disappearing the last few?—"

His lips meet mine in a soft, sweet caress. One hand moves through my hair, cupping my head gently as he kisses my cheeks, my eyes, my temples.

"There's nothing to forgive," he murmurs. "I love you so fucking much. Have probably loved you for years, though how I felt then is nothing to what I feel now. You walking into my office for the first time was the best and worst moment of my life."

I giggle, drawing back to see his smile. "Why the best and worst?"

His thumb grazes my cheek tenderly. "It was the worst because you looked at me like you wanted to tear me to pieces, and because I wasn't sure I could—or wanted—to stop you."

"And the best?" I whisper.

"It was the best because I knew I was going to help you. That you were mine, had always been mine, and I was just as much yours. You didn't bring me back to life, Amelia. You gave me life."

I don't know whether to sob or laugh, so I kiss him instead. I kiss him until the darkness of the last sixteen days dissolves completely. Eventually we become aware of our surroundings, the presence of children and adults in the garden.

"Can we take this somewhere private?" he whispers in my ear.

I laugh and stand, pulling him up with me. "Yes, but there's something we have to do first."

He frowns, disgruntled. "You really want to walk the labyrinth?"

"Nope." I check my watch. "We're going skydiving with Kinsey and Nix in exactly one hour, so we'd better get moving."

The shock on Leo's face is everything.