26. Marina

CHAPTER 26

MARINA

I 'm just glad Lila is too young to understand my vacant expressions and fake smiles. I'm trying my best for her, but when she's not with me, I pace the apartment alone, thinking about the new life growing inside me. Thinking about how this baby isn't going to know its father either.

Or worse. They will know their father and resent me for being out of contact with him.

But I can't tell Ellis I'm having his baby. He'll never accept it or want it. He barely wanted me in his life in the first place.

There was a moment when I thought we were getting through to him, but it was all just a lie. There was a moment when his smiles for us were real, but that was a delusion brought on by the cameras. And now his business is booming again, he's gone back to the only thing he ever really could care about.

I've made yet another mistake, and I'm going to have to live with the consequences.

At least I don't have to worry about money. That's the one thing I am grateful to Ellis for. At least I'll be able to get all the medical care I deserve and all the help I need.

It's not that I can't raise a baby on my own. God knows I've already been doing it. The thing is, I just don't want to. I always wanted Lila to have a sibling. I guess I just hoped I would be married by then, or at the very least have some sort of stable partner.

I wanted to have a man who loved me and wanted to have a kid with me. A man who would be willing to wake up in the night and soothe the crying baby back to sleep when I was too tired. Someone to support me. Someone I could trust to build a family, a life with.

It makes me feel so stupid that I've done it again. I'll never regret this baby, just like I don't regret Lila. I just wish I'd done it properly this time.

For first time in weeks, I've got the paint out to entertain Lila. Until now, it's been too painful to even think about the idea of watching her mix paints together, because everything reminds me of him in the worst possible way.

"Hey, Lila," I say. "Come here."

Lila blinks up at me and coos happily, stretching out her hands towards me, and then, seeing the paint, wiggles over to it straight away. She bounces onto her bottom and claps at me, impatient for me to set the paint out for her. I sit down far less graciously than she does, and unscrew the bottles for her.

"Yay!" she seems to say, launching palm-first into the yellow blob.

She immediately throws her hands down onto the page, making little drops of yellow fly all over the room. Oh, well. If it's really impossible to clean, I can buy a new sofa.

This money is starting to make me overindulgent. Maybe I should get a cleaner before all new furniture.

Lila doesn't notice the mess, though. She keeps dragging her hands over the page, covering it in the bright yellow, giggling to herself as she makes her art.

Not that I'm sure a patchy yellow sheet of paper saturated to the point of sogginess can be called art . As long as she's having fun, though, that's what counts.

"Here, Lila," I say, waving to catch her attention. I force my face into a smile when she catches my eye. "Do you want some red? You can mix them together and we'll get orange."

The words orange hits me like a punch in the gut. To think I called Ellis ridiculous for trying to teach her about colors, and here I am, doing the exact same.

Everything keeps coming back to him.

As I watch Lila reach for the red to create a muddy-orange scene, I take some deep, steadying breaths. I don't want to miss Ellis, but I do. I don't want to keep thinking about him, but I do.

It happens with everything — when Lila splashes bubbles out of her bath, or we go for our walk, or I read her a story, or I go to bed alone and yearn for a body to sleep next to. Everywhere I look, I'm haunted by his ghost.

Less than two weeks, in the end, was how long we were close for. Somehow, though, that was enough to turn my whole world upside down.

Two weeks, and I've been left with another baby and a broken heart.

I have to tell him, eventually, I think. It's not like he's going to see me around and question it, but I think it's only right he should know that he has a baby. Even if he wants nothing to do with the infant, it's only fair to tell him the truth.

It's just how to do it that's the issue.

Hey, Ellis, remember those three weeks we spent filming? Remember all the sex we had? Well, it got me pregnant. Surprise!

Somehow, I don't think that would go down too well.

In my pocket, my phone starts buzzing. I shuffle back from Lila, keeping an eye on her but deciding she doesn't need my full attention.

Plus, when I see who's calling, I need to pick up.

"Hello," I say quickly. "Is something wrong?"

"No," laughs Dr. Chenka. "Yet again, you're very healthy. I saw you called in yesterday about some spotting. Is that still happening?"

"Yeah," I say, breathing out. She really is the best doctor I could have managed to find. "I've looked online and it said it's pretty normal, but I just wanted to check with someone who has a real medical degree."

Dr. Chenka laughs musically over the phone. She has such a calming presence. After the few weeks I've had lately, a bit of calm is exactly what I need. "Yes, spotting is totally normal at this point. We only need to worry if its heaviness or frequency increase. Please keep monitoring it, and of course let me know if you have any concerns at all."

"Thank you," I say with a smile. "Thank you so much for putting up with all my dumb questions."

"Not at all. They aren't dumb. It is good for you to be putting your health first."

"Can I ask you something else?"

I can hear her smile. "Of course."

Lila squeals in front of me, clapping her paint-covered hands together and wiping them on her face. We're going to be having a good bath later, for sure.

"I'm aching all over," I tell Dr. Chenka. "And the internet said I'm going to start showing sooner than last time. Is that true?"

"Yes, that's quite likely. And aches are to be expected. Unfortunately, pregnancy isn't something the body ever truly gets used to. Have you been taking all the supplements I advised?"

I glance up at the table, where several bottles of vitamins lie unopened. "Umm…" I say, not quite able to lie.

Dr. Chenka finds the humor in it again, chuckling knowingly. "Take them. It'll help."

"Okay. Thank you."

When I hang up, Lila is rolling around on the floor, giggling.

"Are you having fun, baby?" I ask her. "Let's see what you've made."

Carefully, I extract the paper from her to see a muddied scene of handprints. You could almost call it a sunset, if you squinted and applied some real leaps of logic. "Good job," I say, reaching out to ruffle her hair. She grins toothily at me, her tiny little teeth just starting to break through. "This is going on the fridge gallery. Do you want to do another?"

She nods, even though I'm certain she doesn't understand that she looks like she's agreeing. It's cute though, and I'm going to choose to believe that she wants to keep painting. I squeeze a little more paint out for her, then put a fresh sheet of paper down.

Then my phone buzzes with a call again.

Absently, I pick it up, half-expecting it to be the doctor, and almost drop my phone when I see Ellis's name flash up. Why the hell is he calling me? I should have blocked his number, but I guess it must have slipped my mind — and it's not like I ever expected to hear from him again.

Angry, I reject the call. I'm not speaking to him right now. Knowing him, it's going to be some pointless "emergency" about profits or something equally as mundane. I'm not in the mood for more business speak, not now or ever again.

But before I can turn back to Lila, my phone lights up with his call again. Seriously?

I reject it once more and really hope he gets the message this time. If he really wants me and it's actually important, he can leave a voicemail. I might listen to it later. Right now, I am playing with my daughter.

I silence my phone, put it away, and try my best not to think about Ellis.

Or his child inside me.