25. Ellis

CHAPTER 25

ELLIS

" H ere's to Beautiful Baby!"

"To Beautiful Baby," my friends chorus. I smile thinly at them all, raising my champagne glass languidly in a toast.

I thought that maybe inviting some people over would help fill the emptiness inside me, but it hasn't. These people aren't really my friends. These are people in business — accountants and lawyers; people who have artificially whitened teeth and highly manicured nails and who would fall into bed with anyone if it would give them an advantage.

I had my chef prepare the finest meal for us and ordered in the most expensive champagne I could find, and all these people are sitting back laughing, congratulating me on the success of the app, telling me how wonderful it is that it's doing almost even better than Beautiful Fitness , telling me that I could have a whole little app empire if I tried. It's decadence beyond belief.

It felt like a good idea when I planned it, but now that I'm here, it's sickening.

Everyone keeps asking me what I'm going to work on next, too. I'm trying to keep an air of calm, a sort of easygoing attitude that says, oh, you know, I've got projects in the works. But that's a lie. I don't have any ideas. The thought of creating another soulless app for petty cash fills me with a numbness like I've never felt before.

As everyone chats merrily, I push my food around my plate with my fork, poking at it in the hope that it will improve my appetite. It doesn't.

Joseph, one of my long-term business partners and probably the closest thing I have to a real friend, is sitting next to me. He leans in and says, "Hey, Ellis, what's on your mind?"

I shrug. "Just formulating some plans."

He narrows his eyes at me, disbelieving. "It's not like you not to eat."

"I had a big lunch," I lie.

He backs off at that, sensing that I'm not going to give him any more. But I can tell he doesn't believe me. It's a miracle that any of these people believe me. It's all lies. It's not real.

"Ellis!" calls Anna from the opposite end of the table. She's an accountant, very good at her job. I've known her for years. "Listen to this." She clears her throat and runs a hand through her short hair. If she's about to pitch something stupid to me, I'm not going to be responsible for how grumpy I am afterwards.

Everyone always thinks they have the next big thing. They always think I want it.

I don't even bother trying to pretend to smile as she launches into it. "We've figured it out. The next app. You've got Beautiful Fitness and Beautiful Baby, yeah? Next you need Beautiful Senior."

A ripple of laughter goes around the table, but Anna shakes her head as if she's being deadly serious. She knocks back yet another flute of my very expensive champagne and slams the glass down with the four or five others in front of her, all of which have been emptied by her in the last hour.

She clears her throat again. "No, no — listen. You've done babies. You've done younger people. The seniors are the only category you haven't cashed in on yet."

"Okay," I say absently, deciding it's best to humor her rather than start a fight. "I'll keep that in mind."

"Hey, cheer up," she shouts. "If you weren't already a billionaire, this app would have made you famous all over again."

"Whatever he does next, it's sure to be a hit," says Joseph, nudging me gently. "You're unstoppable, man."

I muster the best smile I can give, which isn't great.

I don't want to do anything next. For a long second, I close my eyes and imagine running away to a mountain, maybe somewhere in Scandinavia, and starting all over again. In a small town, maybe, where I could take my fortune and buy a chateau, and live there, happily and quietly, minding my own business for the rest of my life.

It's not something I would ever actually want. But it feels more honest than any of this.

"To success!" calls Anna, reaching out for another drink. I feel like someone should probably stop her, but I haven't got the energy to even suggest it. I haven't got the energy to do anything .

"Ellis," someone else shouts. I look over in the direction of the voice, and whatever it says to me washes over my head.

There's more laughter. There's more drinking. There's festivity and celebration — and I'm looking at it all as if through a stranger's eyes.

Once, this was my dream: an expensive party with guests who all pretend to love me. Once, my ego would have been so swollen from this that I would have been unbearable for the next three weeks.

I can't even think ahead that far right now.

Every day is the same. Work. Emails. Meetings. Faking that I care about anything.

I've lost a part of myself, one I've always thought was crucial to who I am. The one thing I've dedicated my life to has suddenly stopped meaning a thing to me, and it's left me a shell. I sit here, looking at all these people, dressed in clothes that cost more than an average person's rent, eating a meal most people couldn't even begin to think about affording.

Shouldn't we be more ashamed of ourselves?

I stare blankly at my plate until it gets taken away, still full of half-eaten food. What a waste. This is all such a waste.

The party keeps going long after the meal is over. After all, there's drinks to be had and bragging to be done.

Fortunately, my reputation goes a long way, and I can get away with sulking in the corner, barely saying a word to anyone. Seeing this, people won't think anything is wrong. This is just how I am — grumpy and antisocial.

I need a change. But I don't know how to make that happen.

Eventually, the woman sitting next to Anna decides she's had enough to drink, and they both get up. "We're going to call a cab," she smiles. "Thanks for doing this, Ellis. It's been a great night."

That's the floodgate for everyone to realize they're tired too, and one by one they all stand up. Anna bounds over to me and wraps her arms around me. "Be good, Ellie," she says directly into my ear. "Stop being dumb. Go get the girl."

I scoff, shaking my head. "Drink some water before you go to bed, all right?"

Anna gets dragged away, and for the first time all night I crack a smile. She'll sleep well tonight. Of everyone here, she's the most real person. Despite the tailored suit, she cares about other people too.

It's more than anyone else.

Everyone else slowly starts filtering out of my house. I say goodbye to them all, robotically going through the motions of a refined host without any feeling behind it. They either don't notice, or don't care.

"See you, Ellis," says Joseph, clapping his hand on my shoulder as he goes. "Don't be a stranger."

"Goodbye," I say, and the look he gives me twists the knife in my stomach even harder, like I'm about to start bleeding out on the floor.

Am I really that obvious that they can see right through me?

Eventually I'm alone again, a fact that fills me both with relief and a sickness that makes me want to curl up in my bed and sleep for days.

Aimlessly, I walk over to the sofa and, without thinking, flop down with a sigh. My body is heavy, tired. I barely did anything today and it was too much.

I pick up my phone and go to start scrolling, just for something to do. Without realizing it, I pull up my messages, and when I blink, I see I'm on Marina's contact.

I think my subconscious is trying to tell me something.

The truth is, I haven't been able to stop thinking about her from the moment she stormed out on me all those weeks ago.

I was wrong to treat her like that. Those three weeks with Marina and Lila were three of the most fulfilling weeks I've experienced since the release of Beautiful Fitness . That's the high I've been chasing ever since. That's the kind of joy I've been missing, the kind of challenge I've needed to rise to.

That's what I want. And Beautiful Baby isn't it.

I need them back. I'll get on my knees if that's what it'll take. I need to show Marina that I'll give her the world and mean it. I need to show her I'm not scared to feel it, or at least I'm willing to try, because she's shown me a whole world I had never stopped to think about before, one that is so full of joy and fulfillment, like nothing else I've ever known.

A world that was so close to being mine.

I almost hit call, but I glance at the time and stop myself. It's almost midnight, and I don't want to wake her or Lila up.

I hope she's sleeping, anyway. I hope Lila has settled peacefully and that Marina has been able to get all the rest she deserves. I hope she's okay.

In the morning. I'll call in the morning and put everything right. Or not. But I have to try.

In the morning, I'm going to get the life I never knew I wanted back.