18. Marina

CHAPTER 18

MARINA

S uddenly, everything that's been so annoying about Ellis for weeks seems not to matter anymore. It's not that he's no longer irritating. He is and he knows it. He acts like he's the center of the world and like he's never seen a kid before. He's strange and grumpy, but he's kind, caring in his own way.

And he's stopped pretending he doesn't want to smile. He's stopped pretending that he has no interest in me.

It also helps that, every night, once the crew have gone home, we've put Lila to bed and done the same, falling into his bed like teenagers and having really great sex. Like really great. Like the way you imagine it's meant to feel.

Not disappointing like I've always found it before.

With Ellis, something is blooming inside me and I can't make it stop.

Suddenly, at two and a half weeks in, we're finally acting like the married couple we were always supposed to be.

And, to the delight of the director, we manage to do some successful talking heads about our day-to-day lives. "Great job, guys," he says as we wrap. He even smiles.

That's how we know we really made it.

"Next time can we start like this, though? This is great, where we're at now, but two weeks to get to this point is just way too many. I mean, we are on a schedule, you know?"

"Believe me," says Ellis with a deep frown, "there is not going to be a next time . I will never, ever be on television again."

Simon raises both eyebrows disbelievingly, but says nothing else. Clearly he can see what everyone else can too — that Ellis loves attention more than anything.

We get thanked again, and as Simon drifts away, Ellis takes my hand and pulls me aside, dipping us into the corridor so he can press me against the wall out of view of the rest of the crew.

I grin at him and hiss, "We're not supposed to be doing this."

"Who cares? We are supposed to be married, aren't we?"

"Yes, but everyone also thinks we hate each other."

"And that's not true, is it?"

I purse my lips, trying to hold in the smile. "No, it's not." He grins victoriously, and I shake my head with the least conviction possible. "Won't it be suspicious if we're seen cavorting like this?"

"Nah," says Ellis, pulling me in for another kiss. I can't do anything except melt. "You know, I think maybe we should go out for dinner tonight after the crew go home."

"Dinner? But what about Lila? It'll be nearly her bedtime."

"I can get a babysitter, no problem."

My mind runs blank on excuses. "I mean, that would be great," I stammer, then let myself smile. "It would be great to spend some more time with you."

He leans in to kiss me again, and his grin brushes over my lips. His hands fall to my hips as if he's about to start sliding lower and lower, and even though I want him to dip his fingers into my pants, towards the heat growing in my core, it's a terrible idea right now.

"Ellis," I giggle, kissing his throat and pushing him gently away. "Let's wait. Let's go out for dinner, and then we can do whatever we want.

He kisses me once more and says, "Deal. But you can't stop me from imagining what I'm going to do with you later."

I moan. It would be so easy to let him take me to bed, to sneak away and quickly release the tension inside us, but we've only just gotten on the director's good side, and we have work to do. I let my hand linger on his chest for a second, then duck away from him.

Together, we emerge back out to the crew as if we've been doing nothing. I'm sure everyone knows what's happening, but nobody says anything. This is how we've been behaving all week, sneaking moments together, barely able to keep our hands off each other, like we haven't spent the last two weeks stepping on each other's toes.

It's getting less and less subtle, too. Yesterday, we excused ourselves during the lunch break and tiptoed off to the bedroom where we spent ever so slightly too long "resting." The thrill of trying to be quiet made everything even more intense than usual.

After, even though I redid my hair and made sure my clothes were straight, every time anyone looked at me, their eyes seemed to be telling me that they knew, and they were judging us in the worst way possible.

Screw what they think, though. For a change, I don't really care. I'm actually happy. I'm actually living my life and not worrying about a thing.

Best of all, Lila is happy too. She and Ellis are getting on better than I ever could have dreamed. He's so gentle with her, and she seems to trust him completely. I guess if her baby instincts are telling her that he's a good person, I can let myself trust him too.

But all of that doesn't stop it being embarrassing that the makeup designer pulled me aside this morning so she could cover a hickey on my neck with foundation. I thought I was too old for this kind of behavior. But being here with Ellis has breathed new life into me.

The afternoon hours drag by. Ellis and I keep sharing glances, making gestures and comments to each other that have very little room for interpretation. He wants me.

Ellis Whitlock actually wants me .

As soon as the crew pack up and leave, Ellis's babysitter arrives. Jane is a Korean woman in her sixties with a severe smile but gentle hands. She takes Lila into her arms, and Lila immediately beams at her. Lila's not always very trusting, but seeing her relax at once sets my mind at ease.

"I'll be right back," I say as Ellis fills the babysitter in. This is our first real date, so I want to look nice. I don't feel like going all out, and I don't have an entire wardrobe here, but I settle on one of my nice, flowing blue dresses that I haven't had a chance to wear yet.

When I step out, Ellis's eyes grow wide, his pupils dilating as he takes me in. I run my hand through my hair and smile. "Let's go?"

Ellis's driver takes us to the restaurant, and we manage to get seated in a secluded corner where nobody else can stare at us. We put in our orders, Ellis orders an expensive bottle of wine, and we toast to each other.

This moment is perfect.

But it's a dream that's racing towards an end.

I reach out to take Ellis's hand. "What are we gonna do when this is over?"

"What do you mean, over ?"

There's that look again, the confused teddy bear, the cogs spinning in his mind as he tries to put the pieces together. I squeeze his hands. "I mean, you and me. When filming is done, are we still going to be you and me ?"

"Let's not think about that now," he says, squeezing my hands in return then lifting them to his lips to kiss them, and I dissolve all over again. I can't think of anything at all but him. I'm utterly weak for him.

The fact is, being with Ellis makes me feel special. I've had other men in my life, but none of them have ever been permanent. Especially since Lila, I haven't had the time or patience to even think about going out with anyone.

That, and it's kind of hard to attract someone when you're a single mother of a nine-month-old baby.

But Ellis doesn't seem to care about any of that. I mean, here he is, holding my hands in this exclusive, expensive restaurant, giving me some of the most intense bedroom eyes I've ever seen. God, he even hired a babysitter to come last-minute just so we could do this.

Just so we could spend a handful of extra time together away from the prying lenses of the cameras or the judgmental stares of the crew. Because he wants to be with me.

In moments like this, I can almost believe that he does, and I can admit to myself that I really do like him.

In fact, I think I might almost love him.

The conversation moves on, and I more or less manage to forget my concern, but even as we walk out of the restaurant hand in hand, there's still a tiny nagging voice in the back of my mind that's whispering that this will all be over shortly. That as soon as the cameras leave, Ellis is going to forget all about me.

The next day is the same, and the day after that, passing in a blur of emotion and work and acting. But now the acting isn't pretending that we like each other — it's trying to pretend that we aren't getting closer every day.

We manage to sneak in a few seconds to ourselves and find a space alone where we can breathe out, let ourselves feel the true passion that is bubbling within us. The seconds are scattered and few and far between, but they are the best part of the day.

I love looking into his eyes and seeing that joyful want sparkling inside them.

Finally, finally, I feel truly like we're a real family. It's so good to fall asleep in his bed, knowing Lila is safe and sound in the next room, and not feel guilty for it. For months, I've felt so guilty for wanting anything for myself.

But driving home and back every day was utterly exhausting, and living on set has many, many advantages. It's convenient — but the best thing is lying in bed, late at night, in the dark, with Ellis's warm, strong arms around me, holding me so tightly that I almost can't breathe, squeezing me with an affection I don't really deserve. But I can't get enough of it.

It's so intoxicating, and he keeps telling me I'm wonderful. The more he says it, the harder it is to disbelieve him. The harder it is to believe that he's doing this for some ulterior motive.

Ellis loves us. I know that to be true.

And he is so, so good in bed.

Blissfully tired, postcoital hormones flowing around my body, I curl into him, kissing his chin and feeling the lightest stubble on my lips as I breathe him in.

I want this to be forever. And yet…

"Ellis?" I whisper.

He strokes my hair, holding me tight, and hums in question.

"What are we gonna do about us?"

"Hmph," is about the only response I get. He grumbles something else incomprehensible that sounds like it boils down to stop worrying about it , but it's not a real answer.

I glance up at his face, and his eyes are already shut, his breath getting deeper with every second.

Was I wrong to try and push him again?

I sigh and settle into his arms, trying my best to forget everything and focus on the here and now. But as the hours drag by, and Ellis sleeps soundly beside me, I can't sleep.

I can't stop thinking about how the hours are counting down to him never seeing us again.