9. Alana

NINE

When I touch Kayan’s hand, a spark, like static, zips up my fingers into my wrist. Up my arm.

What is he?

He is here, and yet not here. Tangible, but just out of reach. The urge to wrap my arms around him, to feel his solid warmth against me is almost unbearable.

I lost him, and now he’s back, and to not be able to hold him is like torture.

“Kayan,” I whisper. “What do you remember?”

He tilts his head. His movements are slow, fluid, like water moving over pebbles in a stream.

“I remember him.” His voice darkens. “Eldrion. He looked into my eyes... Right into them. Then he...” He blinks, a calmness washing over him.

He tilts his head, brow furrowed in concentration as if trying to grasp an answer that eludes him. “I died.”

“Yes.” Tears are flowing down my cheeks now, but I can’t stop them. I don’t even try. “You did.”

As I watch Kayan visibly trying to piece together the missing fragments of his life, and death, I pause. Then I let down my gates. I search his entire body, but find nothing.

I have never felt anything like it before.

He is like a void, a silent, welcoming void.

I sigh and brush my hands through my hair. I don’t know if he’s really here, or if my mind is slowly descending into madness. But I know how I feel; for the first time in weeks I feel at peace.

I lean closer to the silence and wait for him to be able to speak.

“It’s hard to explain, Alana. I feel... different. Not quite whole.”

I reach out tentatively, my fingers passing once again through the glimmering outline of his hand. “Do you know why you are here? With me?”

Kayan reaches down and touches his index finger to the water’s surface. Small blue lights dance out from his fingertip.

He doesn’t answer me, but when I dip my finger into the water, too, and the same thing happens, he smiles.

“You have my magic,” he says.

I nod, wanting so badly to touch him as I tell him this. “I think I took it from you when we...” I trail off, blushing even though it’s ridiculous to blush when talking to a ghost. “It’s been inside me all this time. Grieving for you unlocked it.”

“So, that’s how your powers work.” Kayan smiles and reaches out to stroke my hair from my face. A sensation, like the memory of a breeze, caresses my cheek.

“I steal from people,” I mutter uncomfortably.

“No.” He shakes his head. “Well, yes. But only when powered by emotion. Right?”

“I can take their pain and their powers,” I whisper.

Kayan dips his head to meet my eyes. His shine like moonstones in the night.

“I helped the Leafborne when they were grieving for you. I took their pain away.”

“Like you did for your mother after Samuel died.”

I frown at him. “Samuel?” The name snags somewhere beneath my ribs. I have not thought about my brother for years. I cannot. It still hurts too much.

“Don’t you remember? When she stood by his grave and –”

“Don’t.” I turn away, striding back to the shore as the water splashes around my legs. “I can’t talk about him.”

When I reach the shallow waters, Kayan is suddenly in front of me again. He seems larger than before. Brighter. More beautiful.

“Then let’s talk about something else,” he says, tilting his head from side to side as if his thoughts are finally clearing.

“I think I am here to guide you, Alana. I think there’s something you need to do, something important. But I can’t...” He trails off.

“Can’t what?” I press gently.

He shakes his head. “I can’t tell you why, or what it is. The knowledge is there, just out of reach. Like a word on the tip of my tongue.”

“So, you came back to play cryptic puzzles with me? To distract me from how awful this situation is?” I laugh.

Kayan frowns, then smiles slowly. “Perhaps it will become clear on its own.”

“Perhaps,” I repeat, sitting down on the sandy earth by the lake and tucking my knees up under my chin.

When Kayan sits beside me, his wings flutter. They are back to how they were before I destroyed them, and before Eldrion tore them from him. Except they are even bigger now, and brighter.

“I miss you,” I whisper. “I wish I could hug you, just one more time.”

Kayan’s smile is tinged with sorrow. “Me too. More than anything.” He moves closer, his form shimmering. “But I’m here. We got more time together. We have to be grateful for that, don’t we?”

Tears prick at the corners of my eyes. But beneath the pain, a flicker of warmth settles below my heart. He is with me still, in whatever form fate has allowed.

I square my shoulders and lace my fingers together. “Then we’ll figure this out together. Whatever I’m meant to do, whatever you’re here to show me. We’ll figure it out.”

Kayan nods, his eyes shining.

“It’s nice to have a true friend beside me again,” I whisper, picking up a stick and tracing circles in the earth.

“You have Briony and Finn,” Kayan says, staring out at the lake. “Are they not true friends?”

His question feels different from the other words that have crossed his lips.

Briony and Finn.

“You don’t think they are my friends?” I turn and try to meet his eyes.

Slowly, Kayan turns to look at me, too. “I can only help you find your own answers, Alana. I cannot give them to you.”

I narrow my eyes at him, then try to laugh, attempting to dislodge the unease that is congealing in my stomach. “Cryptic Kayan is going to be heaps of fun,” I mumble.

He laughs too, but as we sink into comfortable silence, I cannot ignore the ball of unease that has settled in my chest.

Briony and Finn?

Finn . . .

He loves me. He would never hurt me.

And Briony is my best friend.

I can trust them.

Can’t I?