23. Benji

BENJI

I woke with a stretch as the early morning light peeked through the curtains, my arm reaching across to Bastian’s side of the bed, expecting to feel the warmth of his body—an arm, a shoulder, the hair on his chest.

But all I felt were cold empty sheets.

I sat upright. “Bastian?”

My voice echoed through the BnB.

I pushed off the duvet and slipped on my underwear and socks, but it was cold and I needed the sweater hanging on the closet door as well.

I called his name again in the corridor. “Bastian?”

I called again from the top of the stairs. “Bastian, are you down there?”

I walked into the big old kitchen of the BnB hoping to find him fixing a pot of hot coffee. “Bastian?” But he was nowhere in sight.

I felt paranoia and panic creep in, gooseflesh spreading up my bare legs.

Had last night been a dream?

Had my longing for him conjured up a memory of kissing him, holding him, making love to him that didn’t actually happen?

Had he vanished again, just like he did last time?

“Don’t be delusional,” I told myself sternly. “He hasn’t left you. He may have left the BnB, but he hasn’t left you. He’s probably back home at Mom and Dad’s, helping get things set up for Christmas Day.”

Upstairs in the bedroom, I phoned Mom, anxiously waiting for her to pick up.

When she finally did, I heard things frying and sizzling in the kitchen. “Benji, darling? Is that you? Merry Christmas!”

“Merry Christmas!” called Dad in the background, no doubt busy whisking up a gravy.

“Merry Christmas to you too. Hey, have you guys seen Bastian?”

“He’s not there with you?”

“He… he was. But I can’t find him anywhere.”

“Hang on, sweetheart. I’ll ask your cousin.” The next moment Mom shouted, “Connie! Where are you? Have you seen Bastian this morning?”

There was a pause. I couldn’t hear Connie’s reply as I felt my heart tighten in my chest. And then—

“Yes, he’s here, darling. Your cousin bumped into him downstairs during the night. Apparently, he said the infusion was keeping him awake and he came back here so you could get a good night’s sleep.”

I let out a long sigh and began to breathe again.

“He’s obviously still in bed,” Mom continued, then started rambling. “No doubt everything caught up with him. After all that drama at the parade and all those nasty injections, I think we’ll let the poor thing sleep. Mmmm, come to think of it, I haven’t seen Maggie this morning either. We left her sleeping on the couch, I swear to God a stick of dynamite couldn’t wake that girl. Not that we like to mention dynamite after what happened at the Ritz. She’s probably gone back to her place to whip up a batch of puppy chow. She claims it’s the best hangover cure ever. Heaven knows she’ll be needing one of those this morning. But enough about that, when are you coming over, darling? Your father and I are cooking up a storm.”

“I’ll be there soon. There’s something I want to do first, if that’s okay with you guys.”

“You’re not going to be late for Christmas Day, are you sweetheart? We’ve got presents to open.”

“No, I won’t be late. I promise. There’s just someone I want to see.”

“Who, dear?”

“I’ll tell you later.”

“Of course, darling. In the meantime, we’ll give Bastian a nice long sleep-in and let Maggie make her puppy chow. We’ll all be huddled around the tree in no time opening those presents. Christmas morning can wait a little longer.”

I pulled Sadie the Citro?n up to the driveway of sixteen seventy-three Bluebird Lane and cut the engine. I had no idea what I was doing in front of the cabin where Nancy lived. But after everything had fallen apart and come back together over the past few years, or even the past few days, I felt some strange pull to visit my Aunt Susan’s…

Friend?

Companion?

Lover?

I still wasn’t sure who she really was or how she fit into our family tree.

I wasn’t there to find out.

I didn’t need to know the answers to questions she probably never wanted to be asked.

Honestly, I didn’t know why I was there at all. But I was about to find out.

I walked up the front path of the cabin, past the snow-capped metal windchimes hanging from the trees and making slow, hushed melodies in the wind.

I looked up at the smoke drifting lazily from the stone chimney stack, indicating that someone was home.

I stopped at the door and collected myself for a moment, but as I raised my hand to knock, the door swung abruptly open.

There before me stood Nancy, a woman I vaguely recognized from my childhood, although now her face was etched with wrinkles, her hair was long and gray, and the scowl on her face painted the very clear picture that she did not want me there. “What do you want?” She clipped her words, spoke quickly and bluntly, her question backing up the scowl.

“Ah… hi. My name’s—”

“I know who you are. Do you think I’m senile? You’re Benji, Lonnie and Ronnie’s boy. Now what do you want?”

I panicked. “I’m not really sure. I think I just wanted to come here and say… um… well… I’m gay.”

“No shit. I can tell by your sweater.”

I glanced down. “Oh, they’re reindeer… doing the Macarena.” I felt the need to explain, “It’s funny because reindeer can’t dance. Anyway, I’m not gay because of the sweater, I was gay long before that, and I wanted to say that my family is okay with me being gay… and if you were gay too, then I know they’d be okay with that as well.”

“Oh, pah-lease.” She glared at me, utterly insulted, then slammed the door shut in my face.

There I stood a moment longer, not knowing what to do but feeling a burning need to apologize for offending her, or outing her, or sounding like a complete and absolute idiot.

I raised my hand to knock again, but again she beat me to it, yanking the door open and saying, “Look, I don’t know what you’re doing here, and I don’t particularly care. But haven’t you got better things to do today? You do know it’s Christmas Day, right?”

“I do. Mom and Dad say they’re cooking up a storm. They go overboard every year, but they love it. They just need to make sure everyone’s happy. It’s who they are, I guess.” I paused and added, “Did you wanna… maybe… join us?”

“So that’s why you came here. Did Lonnie put you up to this?”

“No, not at all. I didn’t really have any reason for coming. But now that I’m here, I’m sure Mom and Dad wouldn’t mind you joining us at all.”

Nancy sighed, tilting her head impatiently. “Every year I get a card from your Mom. Every year she slips a note inside it, telling me that you’re all having Christmas lunch and would I like to join you. And every year do you know what my reply is?”

I shook my head.

“Nothing. Zip. No reply. Nothing but complete and utter radio silence. That’s what I like. Silence. Not the chaos and mayhem of a family lunch. Hell, just about the only sound I can tolerate these days is the wind chimes in the trees and the occasional cry of an eagle passing overhead.”

“You don’t have any visitors at all? Nobody to talk to?”

“Nope. There’s no conversation in this house at all. There ain’t been any need for chatter since…” She didn’t finish, but instead gave me a stoic look.

“Since… Aunt Susan was here,” I said for her.

Nancy’s patience timed out and she slammed the door shut again.

I thought about knocking once more, but there was no denying I’d worn out my welcome. I decided to leave Nancy alone. Clearly that’s how she liked things.

I was halfway to the car when I heard the door creak slowly open behind me.

I turned and from the doorway Nancy said, “You got a boyfriend?”

I gave her a curious look.

She repeated herself. “You got a boyfriend? You said you were gay, right?”

I nodded. “Yeah, I do have a boyfriend. Kind of. I think so. It’s complicated.”

“Don’t make it.”

“Don’t make it what?”

“Don’t make it complicated. If you love him, then love him. If you don’t, then leave him. There’s no in between and there’s no time to waste. Otherwise, before you know it, something will take him away and you’ll spend the rest of your life wishing him back. Be brave, be true, be grateful for every second. Be sorry for the things you do wrong and proud of the things you do right. Break rules, push open gates, do whatever it takes to hold onto love, because once it’s gone… it’s gone forever.”

Her words made my heart swell, and suddenly I needed to be home again, in Bastian’s arms, telling him how much I loved him, how much I had always loved him.

“Thank you,” I said, hurrying to my car. When I reached the driver’s door, I asked one last question out of the blue. “Say… do you mind if I call you Aunt Nancy?”

“What?”

I shrugged. “Everyone in the family has only ever called you Nancy. I feel like I wanna call you Aunt Nancy. Is that okay?”

One shoulder flinched in a half shrug. “Maybe.” She paused a moment, and when she spoke again her words seemed less offended by my mere presence. “Why don’t you come back sometime and ask me again. We’ll see if my answer changes.”

I smiled, just a little, not wanting to hear another slam of the door. “I’d like that.”

Aunt Nancy stepped back inside her cabin.

And closed the door gently.

I smiled on my way back into town, the light from the bright winter sun twinkling on the icy ground, like all the stars had fallen from the night sky and were now glimmering in the morning snow. As I drove along the park, I saw that Harry had installed the final ornaments on the town Christmas tree, twelve drummers drumming now encircling the base of the tree.

Christmas was finally here.

It wasn’t the Christmas I was expecting, but it was the Christmas I’d been wishing for for the past three years.

When I stepped into the living room of Mom and Dad’s house, Connie greeted me with a hug and a kiss on the nose. “Merry Christmas, Cuz. Or should I call you Stud. That boyfriend of yours is still asleep upstairs. What did you do to him last night?”

“Nothing,” I said innocently.

“I don’t believe that for a second.” Connie screwed up her nose. “Did you make the room smell like jizz again?”

“Stop! And by the way, what on earth are you wearing?”

Connie was dressed in an orange Buddhist monk’s robe, playfully swinging the rope around her waist with one hand. “You like it? I’m representing Buddha today. He hates Christmas.”

“I didn’t think Buddha hated anything.”

“Are you kidding, he thinks Christmas sucks. It’s all about materialism and corporate greed, which he fucking hates. He considers big business and tech billionaires the bottom-feeders of society. Fuck they’ve got their work cut out for them if they ever wanna reach Nirvana.”

Suddenly I heard Mom’s voice as she came dancing her way through the dining room doorway, her hips swaying to the sound of Bobby Helms singing “ Jingle Bell Rock ” on the record player. “There’s my handsome boy. Merry Christmas, darling. Give me a hug, just don’t mind the oven mitts. I’m up to my caboose in cranberry sauce. I won’t touch you, I promise. I wouldn’t want to ruin your favorite Maca-reindeer sweater.”

Not only her mitts but also her traditional Christmas Day apron—which read “Christmas Kisses are Free”—were covered in bright red splodges. She half hugged me, kissing me on the cheek and holding her mitts high.

“Merry Christmas, Mom… and Dad,” I added as my father came barreling into the room in his own Christmas Day apron, which read “Pull Apron String to Unwrap Your Present.”

“Merry Christmas, son,” he said, giving me a bear hug. “Did you sleep okay? What an ordeal last night was, huh? That was some Christmas Eve, huh? Bastian is still asleep. We haven’t heard boo from him all morning. Pretty soon we’re gonna have to give that boy his own armchair and sit him next to Great Nan.” He pointed to Great Nan in the corner who was once again sleeping with her eyes open, staring straight at me with her tongue hanging out the side of her mouth.

I jumped at the sight of her. “Jesus, that’s never not gonna freak me out.”

“She’ll come good once we put food on the table. Speaking of the table,” continued Dad. “I wasn’t sure if Bea was coming to lunch today?” He gave me a playful pat on the back and laughed. “Or should I say, Abe.”

Mom started laughing. “Oh Abe. Remember Abe? To think that our son was dating a lumberjack!”

Mom and Dad both laughed uncontrollably.

“It’s hysterical,” Dad wheezed.

“It’s just too funny,” agreed Mom breathlessly. “And who’d have thought Aunt Bea was so good at dressing up like a man?!”

“What a hoot!” Dad slapped his knee.

“Hysterical!” Mom cackled.

“What a crazy family we have,” Dad said, wiping the tears of laughter from his eyes.

“We sure do. We’re also going to have a burnt turkey if we don’t get back into that kitchen. Come on, Mr. Claus. There’s work to be done.”

“Aye, aye, Mrs. Claus.”

Mom and Dad winked at each other and headed out of the living room.

I called after them, letting them know the answer they were too busy laughing to hear. “Bea sends her apologies, but she said her Christmas pantomime days are over.”

“Ooh, I bet Bea’s gonna spend Christmas with her mystery gentleman caller,” Connie said. “Lucky her. On that note, you might wanna shake your gentleman caller awake, before Dad gets him a chair next to Great Nan.”

Connie pointed to Great Nan, and I jumped again at the undead sight of her. “Jesus. Never ever not gonna freak me out.”

As I headed for the stairs, Connie gave my ass a quick spank and I flinched again. “Don’t be too long, Cuz. There’ll be plenty of time for nookie after a gingerbread cookie.”

“Stop!”

Connie giggled and I hurried up the stairs.

I paused in front of the door to my old room, gave a gentle knock, and when there was no response, I opened it slowly so as not to frighten him awake.

Ten seconds later I was tearing back down the stairs and into the living room, shouting at the top of my lungs—“He’s gone! He’s gone! Bastian’s gone!

Connie saw the panic in my eyes. “What do you mean he’s gone?”

“I mean he’s gone!”

Mom and Dad came rushing into the living room. “What’s happening? Who’s gone?”

“Bastian’s gone! His suitcase is gone. The bed was never slept in. He’s gone! ”

“But he was here a few hours ago,” said Connie. “I talked to him. He was standing right there. Maggie was asleep on the couch and he was standing right next to her.”

“And where’s Maggie now?” I asked. “She’s been gone all morning too.”

“I’m not gone anymore,” came Maggie’s voice as she casually entered the living room from the front door. “I’m right here.”

I turned to her and asked urgently, “Maggie, where’s Bastian? Do you have any idea where Bastian is?”

Her eyes widened, sensing there was something wrong. She nodded, answering warily, timidly, guiltily. “I just dropped him off at Eau Claire airport.”

“You what? Why?”

“He woke me up a few hours ago and asked me to take him. He didn’t say why, and I didn’t ask. Should I not have taken him? Did I do something bad?”

“Yes! No! It’s not your fault. Fuck! ” I looked at Mom and Dad, the tears already welling. “He’s done it again. He’s left me again! What do I do? What the fuck do I do?”

Without a second’s hesitation, Mom stepped straight up to me and squeezed my hands so tight it hurt. “We do the only thing we can do. We get him back.”

“Get him back? How?”

Mom turned to Maggie. “Maggie, go start the car!”

She turned to Connie. “Connie, turn the oven off, we don’t want the turkey to burn the house down with Great Nan inside.”

She turned to Dad. “Ronnie, darling. Get the iPad.”

“The iPad?” asked Dad. “What for?”

“Plane Tracker, darling! We’ve got a plane to stop!”

For a moment, everyone stared at my mother in shock till she shouted—“Well, what’s everyone waiting for? Let’s go!”

Maggie bolted for the front door.

Connie and Dad sprinted into the kitchen.

Mom grabbed me by the hand and started hurrying me toward the door, but all I could say was, “Oh my God, Mom! Are we really doing what I think we’re doing?”

“You bet your ass, sweetie! You lost him once, you’re not losing him again. Not if I can help it!”

She shoved me out the door and into the front passenger seat of Maggie’s old Chevy, before sliding into the back seat.

A second later, Dad opened the rear righthand passenger door and Connie opened the left one, the two of them squishing Mom in the middle and slamming their doors shut as Mom said, “Put the pedal to the metal, Maggie!”

“Yes, ma’am!”

Sending ice and sludge high into the air, the tires of the Chevy spun as Maggie skidded away from Mom and Dad’s house, tearing up Main Street, soaring over the bridge, and whizzing past the sign out of town that read “You Are Now Leaving Mulligan’s Mill. Come Back Soon!”