22. Bastian

BASTIAN

He flinched, a jolt so hard it woke me.

We’d been laying beneath his fluffy duvet, our naked bodies locked together in a spooning position, my arm around him, my cock pressed between the cheeks of his ass, my breathing warm and relaxed against the back of his neck.

Then came the jolt that yanked me out of my slumber.

It was followed by a jumble of sleep-talking, something that Benji had often done; just a mumble at first, an indecipherable string of words slurred together.

And then, loud and clear—

“Get out! I won’t let you hurt me again. Not ever again!”

I sat up, leaning over him to see whether he was actually asleep or if he was wide awake and lucid, ordering me to leave.

His eyes were darting back and forth behind his eyelids, his lips twitching, a sure sign that he was in a deep, deep sleep. And yet—

“Fuck you, Bastian! Go! Get out before you break my heart. Not again. Never again!”

I suddenly felt sick.

I felt as though my own heart had just fractured, like when a stone slams into the windshield of a car, sending a crack streaking from end to end.

Slowly I inched away from Benji, terrified of disturbing him in case his words were just as cutting when he awoke.

I slid off the bed.

“Get out!” he shouted again.

I had to quash the panic rising inside me.

“Go!”

I thought of my mother’s words—sometimes you have to tuck your woes away. You can’t always expect others to bear your burdens.

I pushed away a falling tear.

I pulled on my jeans.

I slid my YMCA Elves sweater over my head without bothering about my shirt or undershirt.

Quickly I scooped up my boots and the rest of my clothes.

Silently I crept downstairs.

And for the second time in my life, I left Benji sleeping while I pulled on my boots and walked out the door…

With the intention of never coming back again.

Warm tears flowed down my frozen cheeks as I walked quickly through town in the dark. There was no wind in the trees. No owls hooting in the branches. I couldn’t even hear the gurgle of the river beneath the ice that had formed on its surface. It was the most silent of nights as all of Mulligan’s Mill slept, waiting for dawn to break on another Christmas morning.

But I had no intention of being around long enough to see the sun come up.

If Benji wanted me gone—if deep down he still hated me, still resented me for walking out on him once—then I saw no choice but to leave him all over again.

I cursed myself for being so stupid, for thinking we had a chance, for thinking the damage I’d done could ever be repaired or forgiven.

But clearly, I was wrong.

Clearly Benji was never going to get over the hurt.

I knew that now.

I knew I had no choice but to let him find his own way to love and happiness… because he was never going to find it with me.

When I reached the Larson house, the front porch lights were still on, and the key was sitting under the pot plant by the door where it had always been. Lonnie never kept it under the welcome mat, that was the first place thieves would look. She always said it was much smarter to hide it under the pot plant. Criminals would never think to look there.

I let myself in, pulled off my boots, and tiptoed into the living room.

The first thing I heard was the freight train snore of Maggie, sound asleep on the couch. I was about to kneel beside her and gently shake her awake when I heard a whisper from the doorway to the dining room—“Hey Santa Claus, did you shave? Where’s the whiskers and beard?”

I turned to see Connie leaning against the doorway, eating ice cream straight from a tub. “Connie, what are you doing up still?”

“Well, the tub of Nutcracker Nudge Fudge barely touched the side, so I came downstairs to see if a tub of White Chocolate Wonder Whip will help drown my sorrows.” She licked her spoon and went for another scoop. “Seems to be doing the trick so far. You want some?”

I shook my head. “Why are you drowning your sorrows?”

“Because I’m beginning to wonder if I’ll ever find a man.” She shrugged the words away. “But hey, who needs a lover when you have ice cream, right? Speaking of lovers, where’s Benji?”

“He’s in bed, back at the BnB. I was having trouble sleeping after the infusion and didn’t want to disturb him.” This was an outright lie.

Connie’s lips curled into a mischievous grin. “So does that mean you two are back together again?”

This time I told an even bigger lie. “I guess so.”

“Good for you. Benji deserves to be happy… and so do you.” She licked another spoonful of creamy sweetness. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I’m gonna take this bad boy up to my room then try to get some sleep before the real Santa gets here. You should try to get some shut-eye too, it’s almost dawn.”

“Thanks. I’ll head upstairs soon.”

Connie made her way upstairs and I listened for her door to close before I turned back to the rumbling Maggie, snoring like a cartoon character on the couch. I knelt beside her and gave her shoulder a gentle nudge…

Then a harder one…

Then I shook her as hard as I could before she spluttered awake, startled and confused. “It wasn’t me!” she said loudly. “And even if it was, Frosty shouldn’t have been wearing chocolate buttons for eyes anyway! It’s his own fault he can’t see anymore!”

“Shhhh, Maggie. Keep your voice down. It’s just me.”

“Bastian?” She lowered her volume. “Oh, thank God. I thought you were the cops coming to arrest me for maiming a snowman. In what world is it illegal to eat chocolate? What a nightmare! Where am I, anyway? What time is it?”

“You’re on Lonnie and Ronnie’s couch. It’s Christmas morning, and I need a favor.”

“Sure, anything. What do you need?”

“I need you to take me to Eau Claire airport.”

“You’re leaving? What about Christmas lunch? And all the presents under the tree? And Christmas lunch?”

“I’d love to stay but I’ve gotta go. I just need to pack my suitcase. I’ll be ready in five minutes.”

“You got it,” Maggie said with a thumbs up, eager to please as ever. “I’ll go warm up the car.”