18. Priorities

18

Priorities

Alice

My belly now houses a flock of butterflies that take flight every time Deacon enters my thoughts. And every time I remember that kiss. How he held me until I melted into him. The way his rugged fingers brushed against my skin, the softness of his mouth on my neck, the desperation in his eyes.

I've been replaying it in my head all night, and the butterflies are still swarming. Just like in the books. Only it's impossible to really describe the feeling. It takes over your whole body and leaves you in an elated state of joy.

Once I finish packing, I go down for breakfast. Deacon and Lola are already eating at the table.

Deacon and I share a glance, but I'm not going to kiss him in front of Lola, and it seems like he's thinking the same thing. So I just sit down, and we enjoy our breakfast together.

As soon as Lola goes upstairs to pack, I wheel around to face Deacon and sweep into his lap. I raise my head to kiss him, but the look in his eyes kills all the monarchs in my belly in one fell swoop.

"Alice," he says, closing his eyes. "I'm sorry. I can't do this, start a relationship with you. Lola has to be my priority now. You know how important she is to me. We're just starting to bond, and I don't want to take time away from her. I can't be with you and only do this halfway."

I swallow the bitter pill and decide to take the high road. Getting off his lap, I suck in a breath. "I get it. "

"I'm sorry," he says, placing his hands on mine. "I just—"

"Don't worry about it," I say with a forced smile. "It's fine. And anyway, it was just a kiss." I cough out a chuckle, trying to defuse the tension and hoping the message will get through to my brain.

It's fine. I'm fine. We can stay friends.

"I think I'll go upstairs and finish packing," I say, not waiting for his answer.

Well, that was a letdown, a monumental one. I guess I read him all wrong. As usual, Alice the Romantic, the Optimist, took over, and I didn't approach this with caution. I've never been good at safeguarding my heart, and I'm starting to think it's a skill I really should develop. My body feels too heavy to move, so I just sit down on the edge of the bed. Couldn't he have waited for us to get back before dumping me, or whatever that was? Because now, I have to sit for six hours in a car next to him. And it's going to be excruciating.

As predicted, the drive back wasn't exactly a blast. At least we had the rest of the audiobook to keep us distracted. That also prevented my mind from wandering to Deacon at least half the time. Not even his snide remarks about the book could put a smile on my face. Not a real one at least. Luckily, I'm getting pretty good at the fake-smiling thing.

Deacon drops us off at the end of the street again, and Lola and I haul some of the stuff back to our building. I wait with Lola for Deacon's return, but as soon as he's in sight, I hug her and rush into the store. The last thing I need is an awkward goodbye with Deacon.

Hayley is talking with a customer at the cash register. When she spots me, she gives me a friendly wave.

Mr. Darcy saunters in my direction as soon as he sees me, and I pick him up, enjoying his on-command purring. There's no better cure for a wounded heart. Except maybe a book.

"Hey!" Emma says, coming from the back room. "How was your trip? Glad to see you weren't eaten alive in the woods."

I roll my eyes. Emma's reads are way too dark, if you ask me. Though being eaten alive by some animal might have been preferable to that painful dumping this morning, followed by a very awkward six-hour drive. Can I even call that a dumping? We weren't even dating. Gosh, I'm tired.

"Nice to see you too," I mumble.

"What's wrong?" she asks, lowering her voice. I hate how she always sees right through me. Emma is unusually perceptive, probably because of those sharp glacier eyes of hers.

"Nothing," I say, putting my bag down. "I'm good. Everything's good. I'm going to go unpack. "

She frowns. "Wait, don't you have some news to share? I thought you'd come back all lovey-dovey with our grumpy neighbor."

I swallow hard, my throat constricting as I stare at the wall.

"Oh, gotcha. Well, his loss. You're a catch." She swats my butt as I trudge toward the staircase, and I'm trying really hard to channel that confidence she has in me as I drag my things upstairs.

Deacon

"What's wrong between you and Alice?" Lola asks, arms crossed as we're approaching our building.

I grab the keys from my jean pocket. "Nothing's wrong. Do you have any homework to finish for tomorrow?"

She gives me a pointed look, placing her school bag on a chair. "You guys have been acting weird since we came back from the lake, avoiding each other and being all awkward. What happened?

"Nothing," I say firmly, pushing the door open, but she keeps badgering me all the way to the apartment.

"I thought you liked her. And I know she likes you."

"How can you be so sure?"

She rolls her eyes. "Because I'm not blind, and we all went on a trip together."

I pause, trying to find something to counter her assumption, but all I can think about is that trip with Lola and Alice and how perfect it was. And how I ruined it afterwards.

"I knew it." She turns toward the corridor and walks to her room. But before she steps inside, she spins on her heel. "For what it's worth, I like you two together. You seem happier when she's around."

She's not wrong about that. But I can only grunt in response.

Her eyes narrow. "Wait a second. It's because of me, isn't it? You don't want to date her because you think you have to take care of me or whatever?"

"I do have to take care of you," I say, then quickly add, "Not that it's an obligation. I'm happy to do it. We just need to find our footing."

She scoffs. "That's a load of bul—"

"Language!" I snap, my eyes wide.

"It is, though. Having me around doesn't mean you need to put your life on hold. Plus, I like you way better when you're with her."

With that, she stomps into her room, slamming the door with a loud bang. I guess that's one way to put an end to a conversation. Also, when did Lola become so clairvoyant and mature? I did not see that coming.

I try to push Alice from my thoughts, but her face, her laugh, her perfume, it all mixes with Lola's words and the feelings that surge inside me when we're together. It's so complex, so strong, I don't even know how to process it.

So instead, I connect my headphones to my phone, turn on some music, and go down to the bar. Since the lake trip, I've been doing specials and happy hours to bring in more customers. I need to get things ready.

Before I know it, it's already time to open. And as I step behind the bar, I spot Alice walking past on the sidewalk. My breath catches in my lungs. She's gorgeous. She brought her brown hair up in a ponytail, freeing her neck. My skin tingles at the memory of kissing that very neck. So perfect, so soft.

She must sense me looking, or maybe she just wanted to see if I was inside, because she turns my way, and our eyes meet. Hurt. That's what I sense in her beautiful eyes, even from this far away. I feel it in full force. Or is the hurt coming from me?

Because judging by her outfit, I'm pretty sure she's going on a date. She's wearing a dark-blue skirt with a black sweater, and she has full makeup on. Not that she needs any of that to look breathtaking .

I should burst out of the door, go up to her, and tell her how stupid and wrong I was. That we can give this a shot. That I can have both her and Lola in my life.

But before I can command my body to move, she breaks eye contact and hurries away, her pace quick and determined.

It's too late now. She's off to another date. What if she spends the evening with a total jackass again, one who breaks her confidence in love? Or worse, what if it's a good date, and she finds someone who can love her back? Though I already know that no one will ever treat her the way she deserves. The way I would.