35. Jax

Jax

D ane and Rafe get back a few hours later, but I'm still sitting on the kitchen floor. I look up when I see Dane crouch in front of me.

"Dane," I say tiredly and wrap my fingers in his shirt, pulling him close.

Rafe sits on the floor beside us and squeezes my free hand.

"What's the matter, Jax?"

I lick my dry lips and look at my hand on his shirt. "I need to tell you something, and it's going to sound crazy. But I need it to be dark."

Dane frowns but pulls himself free of me so he can lower the roller shutters. As soon as it's dark enough, Gideon appears.

"What's this about?" Rafe asks gently. His fingers haven't stopped stroking up and down my thigh.

"I," I pause because I don't even know how to start, and I'm sitting on the kitchen floor in the dark with two men I'm in love with and the ghost I'm pretty sure I'm in a relationship with.

"Start with what happened today."

I talk softly, going through every moment of their visit, but before they can ask me questions, I take a deep breath and say something that makes the room go completely still.

"I know where Louis is. I've always known where he is."

Three sets of disbelieving eyes.

I almost chicken out, but I need to tell them. I need them to believe me.

"I know…because I, well, I followed him one day. When he disappeared just before the cops came for me, I'd followed him so far out into the countryside. I don't know what it was that made me suspicious, his possessive behaviour combined with a joy when he had to go on a ‘conference', I guess. Either way, I had this urge to follow him. So I did."

I can smell the coffee and the scent of cedar. I close my eyes for a moment and let those scents sink into me.

"He was there with a woman. There was a cottage in the woods, out in the middle of nowhere. I think he built it. It was beautiful. The woods were serene, and I was so upset because I thought he was having an affair. In this perfect spot, a paradise, and he was fucking other women. It was devastating."

I laugh bitterly but implore them with my eyes to believe me. "My heart was beating so fast, and I was so angry, but I pushed the door open. I needed to see with my own eyes. There wasn't even a lock, and I could hear this groaning. Like someone having sex or doing something that felt good. Louis was there, naked, leaning over this woman, his back to me. I thought…I thought he was cheating, that he was fucking her. For a minute, I stared at the way he was moving, and I thought my life was over."

Rafe grips my fingers, but I pull them free. I need them not to touch me right now.

"But, oh, god. You know those moments that you think are the worst possible, they can't be worse? This was that moment. Because then I saw the blood, and a part of me that had died with his betrayal, really died in that moment. As I watched, he sighed and plunged a knife into the woman's body. I won't ever forget the sound she made. She wasn't wearing a gag, she didn't need one. Who the fuck was going to hear?" I let out a hysterical laugh and wrap my arms around my knees.

They aren't reacting. Dane is frozen, his eyes burning into me.

"She'd been out here a while. You could tell. She was resigned and almost grateful when the knife slipped inside her."

"What happened?" Rafe whispers.

"Well, he heard me. Of course, he heard me, and he wasn't happy, but then he was. He said he'd always wanted to do this, but never could justify it. He grabbed me and threw me on the body. I was screaming and fighting him, and all I could think was I'm lying on this dying woman. If the woman was alive, I don't think she survived long as I struggled to fight myself off of her. Louis just laughed."

I pause, breathing hard, I open my mouth to continue the story and stop, shaking my head. That day plays out in my mind. I can see it. I can smell it all as clear as the day it happened. The filth of human excrement, the metallic scent of blood. I can't forget that smell.

"He got my hands tied up, and he went to the fireplace. Louis was raving and talking about destiny and fate. I was shouting at him, but he ignored me. He came back with a long stick. It was sick. I remember thinking I've seen those on TV, and he won't do that. There's no way he would put that on me…" I trail off, feeling wounded and lost all over again. "And then he did, and the pain, it was unlike anything I've ever felt."

"The brand on your hip?" Rafael asks.

I jerk my head in a nod and try to calm my breathing. "It gave me a new fire, though, I got my wrists free. I escaped. But he grabbed me again. His fingers were so tight on my arms I thought they were going to break my bones. And when I looked at him, I didn't see him anymore. I saw the glimpses he'd let me see over the years, but this was who he was, and he loved the pain, he loved the power. He'd never looked at me with such lust as when I fought him, when I bled for him. He enjoyed hurting me. Really, truly loved every minute of it. Louis got hard off my tears and high off my screams. My blood spurred him on. He said if I didn't love this, my body wouldn't respond so readily to him," I whisper in a broken whine.

"Where is he?" Dane asks roughly.

But I can't answer him, I'm lost in the memories.

"He was so strong. The knife slid into my thigh so easily. Like butter. I didn't even know it could be so easy or hurt so much. I remember screaming so loud my ears ached, so loud that it drowned out all other sounds. He put his fingers in me, then." I frown. "Not in me, he put his fingers in my wound, the hole he made, sliding them in and out like he was…" I gulp and squeeze my eyes closed.

"It was while he was distracted with pressing his fingers into me that I saw a thick wire and grabbed it. I thought maybe I could end it, end my life so this didn't continue. There was pure desperation when I reached for it. I vaguely remember blue sparks. I put it to his temple on impulse, just on a desperate whim. He bounced away from me, but the wire had melted to his skin. There was smoke and burning flesh, and he screamed so long and loud until the silence took over." I look up into their eyes. "Don't you understand? I fucking killed Louis. I killed him. Not ‘he might have been dead'. I sat with his body until rigor fucking mortis set in and then set him on fire, then I buried him and that fucking ring and the woman, and I went home to the nightmare that unfolded. He was dead!" I shout. Tears stream down my cheeks. I can't breathe properly. My whole body is shaking.

The silence between the four of us is deafening.

"He was dead," I whimper. "I killed him. Dane, I fucking killed him. This isn't him. He can't be back. I don't know what's going on, but I swear to god, I'm not crazy. I killed him when he tried to kill me."

Dane swallows hard and falls back on his ass, while Rafe just stares at me with a pale face.

"I killed him. I killed my fiancé. I killed the man I loved. He was a liar, a serial killer and a liar, and I fucking killed him, and this should not be happening." I repeat over and over. Tears stream down my face, and I sob the words, hysterical now that the secrets are finally told.

"Jax!" Rafe wraps his arms around me.

"No, he's dead. Someone is fucking with me. He can't be alive because I killed him." I look at Gideon. "Could you kill people the way he's been doing?"

Gideon hesitates, and then shakes his head.

"So, he's not dead, but not alive. What is he?" I scream. "Why won't he leave me alone?"

Dane joins Rafe, gripping my face. "Stop it. Stop! You killed him. Good. He's dead, you survived. You did nothing wrong. Now we need to find out who is doing this and destroy them."

"I'm sorry I can't tell you where Terrance is." Tears continue to blind me, and there is so much regret in me, so much pain. They will leave, of course, they will. But I want them to stay, but it's not right. I am a monster.

"I'm sorry, too," Dane says. "But he is dead, and we're alive, so we're going to focus on that and keeping you out of the psych ward."

I blink up at him, staring through my tears. "This is insane. I'm insane. My ex dead fiancé is alive but not alive, and you're going to stay and help when the universe thinks I'm in on it, and we may have killed your brother?"

Rafe laughs softly and presses his face to my cheek. "Fuck yes, we are. I love you, Jax."

I pull away, turning to stare at him. "You can't say that."

His smile slips away, but he stares at me with an intent look that makes my stomach flip. "I love you, Jax. I'm not going anywhere."

"Neither am I," Dane says. "Now, let's get a plan together. You said the police saw Titan at Sparrow's. Is there any chance that he recognised you or Louis and is using information his gang has gathered?"

I swallow hard. "Really? You're really going to stay?" My voice is tiny, scared, uncertain.

Gideon grips my chin, tilting my head back so I can look at him. "We're staying."

I exhale and nod, feeling a piece of me settle into place. "Thank you," I whisper and throw myself into my ghost's arms.

***

My mother leans over me from above. She smiles softly.

"You deserved better. I'm sorry for all that."

"It's okay, Mum, we had good times."

"I should have shown you what to avoid in a man."

I shake my head.

"Did you remember what I told you under the tree-filled sky?"

I pause and clear my throat. Such an odd saying but so familiar. "No, I forgot."

She wipes her eyes, dropping crystal tears to the floor. Bruises rise under her skin to stain the area around her neck. Her mouth opens, revealing huge tombstone teeth, and dirt cascades to fall on my head.

"I told you to stay away from that boy!"

Her hand slams down on my face, pushing me backwards until I wake up. I sit up, panting, and struggle out of Rafe's arms until I'm across the room at the window. I yank it open, sucking in cool air.

Dane opens the door and looks at me. "What's wrong? You called out!"

He's dressed and showered and looks far too good. Rafe hasn't got a shirt on, but he slowly stretches and sits up, the quilt dropping to around his waist. I'm in undies and a t-shirt, how I fell asleep curled in their arms. This is a safe place, but my mother's words have torn open an old scar.

"My mother told me to stay away from that boy." I blink and blink again. "I remember the boy, the one who was chasing the kittens. We played together. I helped him gather them all up while my mother was in the house. We played with them until it got dark. He put them in a bag-"

I gag and rush past Dane to the bathroom. I want to vomit, but nothing wants to come up.

"My mother came and dragged me away. I cried because I wanted to stay with him. He knew me," I say to Dane, turning to face him. "He knew me. I knew him. We were friends, we weren't allowed to be friends, but we were, until my mum died. Lee and I were always friends, in secret."

I search my memory, finding him over and over in my childhood. We lived close to each other. He had no friends, but neither did I. We were both so poor.

I close my eyes. Lee, I remember Lee, and I remember Louis. They're the same in my memory now. Tiny fragments from my lives come together, forming something that couldn't be seen without more context, and the answer is terrifying.

My eyes snap open, and I look up at Dane. "Louis was obsessed with reincarnation. He believed he could figure it out. How to do it. What if he did?"

Dane's lips part. "Is that possible?"

I whimper. "I don't know."

"He could be anyone," Rafe says in a sick voice.

"And we have no idea."

"Or it could just be a copycat." Dane ushers me out of the bathroom and pulls the door closed.

He follows Rafe and me back to bed and climbs in on the other side. For a moment, it feels strange, and then it just feels right. I sink down between them, my mind racing.

"Stop thinking," Dane growls and kisses my shoulder.

"I can't help it."

Dane puts a hand on my shoulder and pushes me onto my back. He leans over me and presses his lips to mine. "Is this okay?"

I flick a look at Rafe, who is watching with a heavy-lidded look.

"Yes."

He kisses me harder, and I twine my arms around his neck, kissing him hard, but he pulls away. Dane makes quick work of my clothes, and then his. Then crawls up my body, settling between my legs. I watch him with a building hunger, everything but him has gone. Rafe makes a small noise, and I watch as he shucks his clothes and returns to his spot, deliciously naked and so intense it makes my stomach flutter.

"Is this okay?" he whispers again, more husky this time.

He kisses down my chest, taking my nipple into his mouth and sucking. His tongue slowly strokes before he suddenly sucks hard, grazing his teeth gently across the tip.

"Fuck!" I hiss.

Dane laughs and peeks up at me. "I could get comfortable and stay here all night, but alas, Rafe might kill me."

Dane suddenly gets up and shifts out from between my legs. He slaps my thigh.

"Get on Rafe."

I frown and glance at Rafe. "What?"

Dane grabs my hair, pulling my head back and leaning close so his mouth is right next to my ear. "Get on Rafe. Sit on his dick, impale yourself on his cock."

I shiver at the dark intention in his voice. "Dane?"

"Hurry or you'll miss out on the fun."

I glance at Rafe. He shifts towards me, and I straddle him. He's rock hard, and there's a bead of pre-cum glistening on the tip of his cock. My mouth waters, but Dane lets out an irritated growl.

I sink down on Rafe's cock. Our eyes are locked. He hasn't said a word, but there is so much being said with his eyes. So many words pass unspoken.

I lean down and kiss him. It's the most tender kiss I've ever shared with anyone, and I know that I've given my feelings away.

Rafe cups my cheek when I pull back, and I see my feelings reflected on his face.

And that's when hands grip my hips. They slide down, over the curves of my ass, and up my lower spine, before circling down again. With each pass, his fingers skirt further in between my ass cheeks. I tense, but Rafe pulls me down and kisses me.

"Is this all right?" Dane whispers.

I moan as his fingers press against the pulsing ring of muscle.

"You need to use words and tell me this is okay," Dane says and withdraws his fingers.

"Is okay," I mumble.

"Dane, drawer," Rafe says hoarsely.

Dane moves away, and then returns. I hear what sounds like a lid opening, and then cold liquid squirts onto my ass. I tense, and Rafe moans.

I glance down at him and have to stop moving. I've been rocking my hips in time with his slow thrusts, but one look at his face, and I'm on the edge.

Dane's fingers return and start stroking, rubbing in circles.

"You can sit still if you want. Rafe isn't going to be able to help himself. Look at him. He's all kinds of fucked up over you, and right now, he's eight inches of buried in heaven."

I gasp, and Dane takes that opportunity to slip a digit into me. I tense at the invasion but force myself to relax.

"I need more," I say hoarsely.

Dane laughs and presses his finger all the way to the knuckles. He fucks me slowly, moving in tandem with Rafe. I roll my hips, thrusting back against them both.

"Ready for another?"

I nod my head and moan when he pushes another slicked up finger into me.

"She's so tight, isn't she tight, Rafe?"

"So tight," Rafe groans.

Dane hisses and withdraws his fingers. Something bigger than his fingers presses against me, and I realise that he's pushing his cock into me.

I've thought about it before. I mean, who hasn't? Having two guys at the same time. But there is something so powerful about taking the two of them. The idea of it, having them both fall apart because of me. My thoughts scatter as he stretches me open, slowly pushing into me until he's bottomed out.

"Still good?"

I exhale roughly. "Yes. Good."

Dane moves slowly. His hands hold my hips, while Rafe reaches up and teases my nipples.

"Oh, fuck," Rafe groans. "I can feel him inside you."

Dane snickers and mouths my shoulders. I tilt my head back, moaning.

"We're going to make you feel so good."

For a second, just one second, there's a shadow that comes over me. There's regret, just one, that Gideon isn't here. I push it aside, burying the feelings deep inside me.

Rafe thrusts up, just as Dane buries himself to the hilt.

I feel like I'm flying. I'm on the edge of a cliff, so close to where I want to be. They both thrust in again. The movement is indescribable. I can barely think. I'm lost in a sea of feeling, and then I implode.

I tighten around them, screaming. Rafe shouts out, his body going stiff. He sits up, pressing his face to my chest, growling. I wrap my arms around him, cradling him. Dane keeps thrusting, leisurely, prolonging and forcing ripples of pleasure.

Rafe whimpers.

"Dane," I whisper.

He grunts and starts thrusting hard, over and over, until, with a roar, he comes. His body pushes mine into Rafe's, the three of us one mass of sweating, panting messes.

We stay like that for a long time. Dane eventually pulls back and kisses my back. He disappears and returns with a cloth. I whimper as he cleans me up.

"Come on, baby. Lay down," Dane whispers and helps me off Rafe. My legs are shaking, and I collapse beside my slightly stunned lover.

Dane uses another cloth to clean me again and passes a third cloth to Rafe.

"So that was…"

"Yeah," I agree.

It was perfect. It really was. But there's a niggling regret. I'm not going to be able to let go of Gideon. And is this really fair to anyone? I should tell them how I feel.