18. Jax

Jax

I sit outside the community centre and stare at it. I don't like coming here; it reminds me too much of the past. It's why it's the perfect place to start.

But I still don't have to like it.

The building is built like a giant M, if you were to view it from above. On the left is the ancient library, and the section on the right is the hall and recently converted Community Centre. In between are a few offices where some local doctors come and do some free screenings or counsellors give out some hours. It hasn't been used as a council chambers for nigh on fifty years, and the building is a mess. Some cracks are wide enough to fit your hand in.

Yet, it gathers more people daily than the local shops do. They sit outside, huddled under the huge awnings. They go in and out, leaving with bags, coming with bags. And at night, the car park transforms into a tent city, where those who can't afford housing turn metal barrels into fires and huddle against the icy wind and wait for dawn.

I cross the road, almost blindly, and find myself inside the building before I can really think about it.

I trail down the hallway to the left, following the quiet. There are frosted glass doors separating me from the library. I tentatively put my hand on the door, and I'm thirteen again.

I walk in, and it's strange, seeing the past and present overlap, the shelves are in slightly different positions; the books are new; the computer is much newer but still old. Brown carpet smelling like disinfectant brings back memories I'd sooner forget. I follow the path I followed years ago.

Through the library, towards the very back. I can hear her giggling and telling me some story about seeing her mum and dad fucking in the spa of the motel they stayed at when her parents were working. She makes some gagging noises, then waves her hands as she tells me how she screamed, and they jumped out of the spa, slipped, and ran straight into the garden they'd just finished planting. Oh, yeah, her parents were landscapers, I forgot all about that.

I smile at the memory, but I remember what's coming, and it fades away. I hear a noise and turn my head to see Dane watching.

"They were waiting for me." I keep walking and point around the shelves. "Here. They were waiting to jump me."

"Who were?"

"The girls, a few guys." I shrug. "Bullies. Kids."

"What happened?"

"They cornered me, wanted me to strip. One of the girls had a fancy camera she was dying to try out. That's how I found out my friend wasn't my friend."

Dane paces with me as I slowly move through to the spot, pausing only a moment, as if the spot still contained the living memory of my teenage terror.

"He came from here." I point to a thin gap between the shelves. "His face was in shadow, but he was tall, and his hands were clenched. He said, ‘I can beat your faces in now or I can come and visit you one by one and make you regret this. It's your choice'. One of the guys spat at him, and he spun out with a kick so quick it was a blur. Though that could be because I was crying." I shrug and give Dane a lopsided smile.

"Crying," Dane repeats, which gets my back up, but I continue speaking anyway.

"I don't really remember what else was said. Shit was shouted. He leaned over Sally and whispered in her ear. She bailed. They ended up leaving, tails between their legs. He came up to me." I move to the spot and click my fingers at Dane.

He gives me a dirty look but moves to stand opposite me.

"He stands there, and he looks down at me, and he says, ‘Don't let the shining stars hide your worth, Jojo, you're the everything in between. You are so much more than their puny minds will ever imagine. Hold your chin up. Your time is coming'. And then he walks back through that gap and disappears."

It was the single most powerful thing anyone had ever said to me. Even now, thinking about that moment leaves me in awe. I think I fell a little in love with him on the spot.

"Jojo?"

I blink in surprise, startled to find myself in the library. I'd forgotten about Dane.

"He always called me Jojo, even in that first meeting. I did ask later why and where it came from. He never could give me an answer that made sense."

I squeeze through the space between the shelves and lead Dane to his place. It's exactly the same. The tiny desk set up against the wall. The wall on one side and a bookshelf on another.

"This was his place."

Dane's eyes flicker around, taking everything in. "I had a similar space when I was a kid."

"You did?"

"Yeah, it was a tree that I used to climb up and hide in."

I pause a moment and cock my head to the side. "Hide?"

He turns to me. "I didn't always look this good." He flashes me a grin that transforms him back into the man I met in the hallway of my apartment building. He's stunning, and it leaves me tongue tied. "I was tall and thin, and a bit of a nerd. Kids gave me a hard time, home was…" he pauses and clucks his tongue, "well, let's just say my parents had no idea what to do with me."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be. If I hadn't been the lone wolf I was, I never would have met Terrance."

Every time they speak his name, it's with so much feeling.

"You guys really love him, don't you?"

Dane looks over at me and pulls out the chair from the desk and straddles it. "I was almost gone from this world when he found me. Everyone had given up on me. He walked in, and he just knew what I needed. Terry was my best friend, my brother. He saved me."

I swallow hard. "And with Rafael?"

Dane pushes back and looks at the shelves. "That's not my story to tell."

It's so weird, this moment, and I don't trust it. Descario and Sparrow's lying faces flash through my mind. Deception in words, trust the wrong person and fall. I lean back and cross my arms over my chest.

"Why are you telling me this?" My voice comes out colder and harsher than I intended.

"So you know where I'm coming from when I say that if he was here all the time, after school, weekends, then it's experience talking when I say there was no better place to be. His home life was shit. He couldn't identify with the petty shit of other teens because his shoulders were weighed down with questions like, how do I get food? Where do I go from here? How do I survive the next time she comes home sloshed and breathing fumes that would strip paint?"

He swings off the chair and advances towards me.

"Your boy didn't have a bad life. He had a terrible one. Home wasn't safe."

I swallow hard. "Not necessarily."

Dane reaches out, pulls out a book, and turns it over. He flips it open and shows me. The entire back page is demonic drawings. I stare at it. He pulls out another book. Dragons. Another, Grim Reaper.

Only on the fifth book did it change. An image of me. Sketch after sketch, over and over, images of me.

Dane whistles and edges closer so our arms brush. I'm hyper aware of him standing there, how tall he is, the cedar scent that surrounds him.

"Looks like someone caught feelings."

I snarl at him and push him away from me. He's trivializing my life and what happened, mocking it. He's got no idea. Because deep inside, a part of me is completely dismayed at what I'm seeing. It's not flattering, it's scary. Obsessive.

"What's wrong? I thought girls liked stuff like this."

I turn away from him, facing the shelves. There's an urge to open all the books and see how many there are, but I can't. I feel dirty.

"Girls don't like stuff like this. Not all of us. I don't like this," I say tightly.

Dane studies me and moves closer. "Hey, I was joking."

"No, you weren't," I snap back. "I just…I need a minute."

Dane shrugs. "Sure."

I turn and rush back the way I came and collide with a hard body. I try to slide past, but hands grip my upper arms.

"Jax?"

"Rafael?" I blink up at him, and he frowns, looking behind me at Dane.

"I just needed a moment," I mutter.

"Sure, I'll walk with you."

Rafael turns and, without missing a beat, he lets go of my arm with one huge hand while the other slides down to capture my hand so he can lead me away.

I flex my fingers and look anywhere but at him.

"What did he say?" Rafael sounds resigned.

I blow out a breath and keep pace with Rafael. "It's not him, it's what we found." I briefly explain it.

Rafael pulls me to a stop. I turn to face him.

"It scared you."

I nod slowly. "Yes."

He lifts his hand and cradles my cheek. "It would scare anyone. I would be a complete gibbering mess."

I raise my brows and snort a laugh.

"I would. I freaked out when Terrance kept appearing wherever I was. And he just wanted to be my friend, but I tried everything to get rid of him. I even hit him in the face with a fly swat. There may have been some high-pitched shrieking, but I'll never confirm or deny. It was creepy as fuck, and I told him so. Teaching him and Dane how to people turned me prematurely grey. See this," he points to his hair, "dye job."

I laugh and step back. "You're exaggerating."

"I am not. I promise. I took them out to eat once, and do you know what Dane said to the girl who served us?"

I shake my head, but I can't stop smiling. Rafe is something special.

Rafael drops his hand, steps back, and pretends to sit down. "So, what shall we eat?" He stands up and pretends to approach the invisible table. "Welcome to the Chicken Hut. I'm Emily." He straightens up and looks horrified. "Oh, god, I can't believe I remember her name. That's how bad it was,"

His voice returns to the high feminine tone, "How can I help you?" Rafael's eyes are twinkling, and I can't stop laughing. "Terrance stares at his menu and doesn't even speak. He may as well be on another planet. I give up, and I'm feeling desperate, and I look to Dane because, what the hell, and Dane looks up at her and goes like this."

Rafael gets a big, dark scowl, shifts his arms wider, and grunts. It's a freaking loud grunt, and I'm sure everyone in the library heard it, even Dane. My side hurts. I'm laughing so hard, and I have to wipe a tear away.

"The poor girl looks at me, and I just can't find any words. I'm completely floored. I just open and close my mouth, and the girl blushes bright red. You can see the panic in her eyes, which I'm sure must have mirrored the panic in mine. She murmurs an excuse, and the next thing, an enormous woman with arms as thick as tree trunks comes stomping over to our table. Oh, yeah, we all notice her. Hard not to. The Chicken Hut was shaking like Godzilla was prancing around town. Her face is thunderous. ‘You been upsetting my girls, think it's funny picking on hard-working women?' I'm literally about to be sitting in a pool of my own piss. When Dane looks up at this woman, and fuck me dead, that prick does it again. He just grunts at her. Like the most terrible, horrible, sound I've ever heard, and it's so loud because no one is talking, it had its own echo."

Rafe laughs and shakes his head.

I'm laughing so hard I'm struggling to breathe.

"I want to die, my face is fixed in terrified horror and is the colour of cherries. She freezes, this huge, huge woman with her air of sheer power and menace. I'm pretty sure the whole Chicken Hut leaned back in anticipation of the explosion. It boiled up, and she, like, did this convulsing movement with her upper torso that made her, and I really hate to say it, look like a chicken, and then she let loose this almighty and very unchicken-like roar. Her wrath was terrible to behold, like, the worst thing I ever saw. She screamed for about twenty minutes and booted us out. Lifetime bans. And that's when I started to teach them because I never ever want to do that again."

Rafael pats me on the back as I continue to giggle.

"He's not good at people-ing. Dane is Dane. You either love him or you don't."

He stops talking, and a strange tension forms between us. He's managed to snatch up my hand again without me noticing, and his thumb strokes up and down my index finger. I like him; I realise with a start. How long has it been since I let myself actually like someone? I glance up at him, look away, and clear my throat. This is a bad idea, like, a really bad idea. I shouldn't be doing this. I can't like him. He's good and nice, and I'm a wreck. I blurt out the first thing that comes to my mind.

"Terrance wasn't like that when I met him."

Rafael gets a faraway look in his eyes. I don't think he's going to answer me, but to my surprise, he does. "He discovered who he was, embraced it, and stopped trying to be other people."

I want to ask more. Who was he? What was he trying to be? But I keep my mouth shut because Dane peeks his head around the corner of the shelves and eyes us suspiciously. Rafael starts whistling and looks at the ceiling, and I have to bite my bottom lip to keep from laughing.

We pretend we don't see the blush on Dane's cheeks. And, maybe, I like Dane a little bit better, too.