15. Jax

Jax

S he reaches for me, and I can feel the warmth of her hand as it cradles my cheek. I can't see her clearly. The flickering halo rainbow makes it impossible to see her, but I'd know her anywhere.

"Mum?"

"It's all wrong now, baby, and it's gonna get worse." She sounds just like she did the last time I saw her. I'm relieved that I haven't forgotten the sound of her voice.

"What's going on? How can it be worse? You're here with me, it's fine now."

"I can't stay, baby. But I'm here. I'm always here. But it's all out of order."

"Out of order? What are you talking about?"

"It's wrong, baby, so wrong. It's gonna be so bad now. So bad, but I know you got this. Do you remember what I told you?"

I frown and try to remember. The last conversation we had, she sat at the table with a bottle of vodka, mascara running down her face, mixing with the bruise on her cheek. I remember her words clear as day. "You told me that love is blind."

She slams forward, and her eyes bulge out of her head with a pop that makes me scream. Her lips split, and her tongue pokes out, black and dripping strands of green saliva. "YES!" She bellows, her greasy hair whipping around her. Fingers bite into my chin, breaking the skin. "LOVE IS BLIND. NOW WAKE UP!"

I sit up, panting, a scream of terror lodged in my throat. The sheets are wrapped around my legs, and sweat is running down my chest, tickling the spot between my breasts. I can't stand it. I rub my t-shirt against the area, palming my sternum, trying to calm the galloping in my chest.

Gideon stands in the closet, and I stumble over to him. He wraps his arms around me and pulls me deeper, and the door slams behind me. I shake and shiver in his arms until the nightmare starts to drift away.

It's only then that I hear the movement in the lounge room. I cock my head, listening, and slowly reach from the baseball bat I keep.

"What the hell, Jax."

I know that voice. I give Gideon a reluctant squeeze, and then I slide out of the closet, pad across the room, and open my bedroom door.

"River, how the hell did you get a key to my apartment?"

River doesn't even look at me. He just turns in the chaos of my self-destruction and pulls a disgusted face. He doesn't even move out of the small circle of clear space he's stolen, just turns as his eyes take in all my self-loathing. He looks so out of place with his leather jacket and tight, clean jeans. He looks immaculate, expensive, and so far from home . My place and I look like a cheap dump in comparison, though I find it hard to muster the will to care.

"Are you trying to get kicked out?"

I sit on the couch and lean my head back. I don't have the energy for this. "What are you doing here?"

"It's been a week. Let's meet up, River. Sure, Jax, let's do afternoon tea." The high falsetto he uses for me earns him a wiggle of my middle finger. "Then a text message. Sorry, need to reschedule, and nothing…for an entire week. You just vanish into the wind."

I close my eyes. "I've been sick."

"Yeah, I'm calling bullshit on your pity party."

"Anyone ever tell you, you're a pain in the ass."

"Yeah, you did, all the time. Now, get up, shower, and get dressed. We're going out. I'm calling Dad to send Mrs Winchester over."

"No!" I snarl.

River bares his teeth. "Then I'm calling Dad and telling him you are falling apart at the seams and you need rescuing."

"Fuck you, River."

"That's illegal. What's the decision going to be?" He folds his arms over his chest and arches his eyebrow.

With a deep glower, I stand up from the couch and head for the bathroom. I slam the door for good measure. I take the longest possible shower, and then come out dressed in my jeans, a t-shirt, and my leather jacket.

River looks up from leaning on the front door and rolls his eyes. "I thought you might actually be dressing up for me."

"You wish, princess."

"Come on, hobo. I'll shout us to lunch. This place is fucking gross, I think I have lice."

I let him lead me down to his black sedan. We drive for ten minutes, and then get out. He takes my arm and drags me into a diner, and when I slide into the booth, he slides in next to me like he's actively stopping me from running. I turn to him with a probing glare.

"What do you think you're doing?"

River grins that cocky smile. That means he's been up to something I'm not going to like.

That's when they come in.

I glare at them, and then transfer my glare to the table.

"River, what the fuck?" I say under my breath.

"You need a job. They are going to pay you to do research. Take it."

"You don't know what you're messing with," I hiss.

"Money is money, Jax."

I whirl on him. "Money is never just money. It matters where it came from and where it goes. It matters what you have to do to get it. Don't be so childish."

River's eyes are wide. "It's a research job, isn't it?"

I sit back. Guilt gnawing at me. "Yes, but it's beside the point. It's my life and my decisions to make," I snap.

His cocky grin returns just as Rafael slides into the booth.

"Miss Shade, I'm so glad you've reconsidered working with us."

I close my eyes for a moment to block out Rafe's earnest eyes. The damn guy would give a puppy a run for his money.

I flick a look at Dane, but he just looks bored. There are lines around his mouth as if he's holding his lips pressed flat firmly.

"Yes. It was taken out of my hands," I say sharply, looking again at River. He simply lifts an arm and puts it on the booth behind me and winks.

I jab him hard in the ribs.

"You two are close," Dane comments.

I carefully avoid looking at River.

"We are close. She's my best girlfriend." River snorts a laugh.

I watch the confused look Dane casts Rafael and feel a little spark of vindictive pleasure. I lean into Rivers' side and snuggle up to him.

Rafael's smile falls, but Dane's eyes turn molten, fiery blue fury, and it sends a spark of pure pleasure to everything feminine inside me.

I smile back at him. Sweet as pie. Suck it, Galbraith.

"So, you'll meet us tomorrow morning?" Rafael asks.

"Sure. I guess. Might as well," I say. The waitress comes over, and I order a plate of fries. River shakes his head and changes my order to a burger, fries, and a chocolate shake.

"I'm an adult, River."

"And I'm only looking after you."

I push off him and growl. Outside, a rainbow halo flashes past, and the dream comes back to me. Love is blind, such a common saying. What did it mean? Did it mean anything? A week of sulking should have given me more peace of mind. Instead, I feel more torn up than ever.

I look at Rafael, and he's forcing me to face the truth of my feelings for Terrance, for Louis. Everything I buried in those hectic weeks is coming back to bite me. And Dane, he's forcing me to see my part in all of this. I own some of what happened. That is the truth. No matter how painful it is or how much it hurts me. I was always going to have to face it.

Just why now?

And why with these two?

I sit quietly while they talk. When my burger arrives, I pick at it and nibble until I've eaten half.

"Right, you have successfully fed me, got me out of the house, made sure I have a job. Can I go home now?"

River sighs. "You are so much work."

I scoff. "It takes you three hours to get ready for a date."

River blushes. "It was one time."

"Sure, sure."

Rafael's expression clears with a look of intense relief. It makes my stomach flutter, and I look away from him quickly. What did he just read in our conversation?

"Please, River. I just want to go home." Apparently, I'm not above begging.

River sighs and stands up. "If you don't show tomorrow, I'll come over and drag you out myself. If you still refuse, I'll ring Eddie."

I narrow my eyes. "Careful," I say to him. He folds his arms over his chest in a move that just screams he's done pretending what we aren't.

Rafael leans across the table and touches my hand. "We can pick you up."

I shake my head. "I'll meet you at the library."

"Right, thanks for doing this, guys. See you later," River says and slaps my back hard enough that I stumble forward. Dane rolls his shoulders and sits stiffly. For a second, it looked like he was reaching out to catch me.

"I'll see you tomorrow," I say quietly and leave without a backwards glance.

River unlocks the car, and we climb in.

"I'll walk you up."

"No need, I'll be fine."

"Nope, not getting out of it that easy. I'm walking you up."

I trudge up the stairs and open my apartment to find it immaculate.

"Wow, Dad's people work fast." I turn to River and see his throat bobbing as his face slowly turns red. "River, what's wrong?"

"Dad couldn't get hold of her. He didn't send anyone. They are coming tomorrow."

I look back in confusion. "But who?"

River stalks in and looks around. "Is anything missing?"

The question spurs me into action, and I race around my apartment.

"It's all here." Including my go-bag and a letter placed on the freshly changed sheets of my bed.

"Weird." River scowls.

"It must've been the old lady I sometimes pay. I'll have to make sure I pay her," I suggest, trying to feign calm.

River just shakes his head in disgust. "You, my dear, darling oldest sister, are a terrible liar."

I want to scream, ‘no, I'm not, you have no idea how many lies I spin. I just can't stomach anymore'. But instead, I shrug and look around at the sparkling space. It smells like dahlias. I'm going to need to go a bit crazy with my incense sticks to get rid of the scent. Worse still, all my window coverings are gone. The entire apartment is awash in light.

Gideon is gone.

"Right, I'm going. You can pay me back and help me escape from the Demon Queen at the next ‘let's get River happily settled' do."

I slap my hand into his. "Deal."

He presses a kiss to my forehead, turns, and leaves me alone.

I wait until I see his car drive away, and then I pace into my bedroom and open the letter.

Happy Anniversary

My stomach seizes, making me want to bring back all the food I ate, and I scurry to my calender I keep inside the closet and look at the dates.

What is today? What day have I forgotten?

It takes hours of staring into space, trying to remember. But it finally comes to me. Today is the day we met. The day he saved me from that bully at school. The day I first started noticing him. He always liked to tease me that I was awful at remembering dates. He always celebrated every single one.

The anniversary no one but Louis could know.

But that's impossible.

Isn't it?