14. Jax

Jax

I slam open the door of my apartment and look around wildly. I have to…get it all gone. It needs to go. I rush to my bench and grab newspaper, duct tape, and whatever else I can find and start applying it to the windows, and then duct taping everything on. Layers and layers of material until no light shines through. I move systematically through my apartment. Ignoring Bob and Patty as they start getting frisky.

I can feel him rising, the darkness calling him forth. I work in my bedroom last, getting the final window. The apartment falls into darkness, and it's like a weight lifts off my shoulder.

Patty and Bob disappear as his stronger presence chases them away. I put music on and chuck my phone on the bed and move towards the closed door. Breathe, just breathe. My stomach is coiling with excitement and anxiety. So many thoughts are chasing each other through my head. I shouldn't be doing this. Sparrow would be so mad.

I need him.

That's the strongest, the clearest thought, that I need him.

I open the door and slip through, nudging the wadded material against the gap between the floor and the door. His presence is like a blanket, warm and comforting.

Why, if he's just part of my mind, does he feel so damn real?

I need him.

I'm moving before I can even decide to move.

We meet in the middle, his arms wrapping around my waist. He buries his face in the crook of my neck.

Soft music plays from my phone in the other room, an orchestral melody that contains as much heartbreak as hope. He starts to sway, and I follow him. It's so dark I can't see my hand in front of my face. I feel like I can breathe for the first time today. That is what he does for me. He's the only place where I can be myself anymore.

"I did a terrible thing, G."

He doesn't make a sound, he never does, but I can feel he's listening intently.

"It's a secret. I've never told anyone else. I didn't even admit it to myself for years. How could I?"

He walks me backwards around the room, spinning slowly. His hands stroke slowly up and down the curve of my spine. He pulls me against him, so I'm flush against his body, and I lay my cheek on his chest.

"I was supposed to be in love, but I fell in love. It was effortless and magic. It was the most beautiful thing I've ever experienced. We were magnetic and powerful together. I couldn't stay away. I fought it, I fought so hard. There was no way to know. We didn't even realise the danger we were in."

He spins me around so that my back is pressed against his front, and his arms wrap around me as he continues to sway.

"I think I got him killed." The whispered admission hurts like someone is ripping something deep inside me. "I think he died because he was with me. They just found out he disappeared. I thought he'd be married, with kids and a house with white picket fences. Forgetting about me except when he looks at the artwork he spent a small fortune to buy. It was a fantasy I used to play myself at night, imagining how perfect his life was." My voice breaks, and I fall silent. Memories of his eyes and his smile dance in my mind.

I'm spun out and caught and lifted into his arms. I wrap my legs around him and bury my face against his neck. He's cold, so cold, but he feels real. I can almost feel a heartbeat under his skin. This is all I'll allow myself now. This is all I can trust, all I deserve. Just me and my mind.

"He never got home. His family has come looking for answers. Like they all did. An endless parade of people with accusations and questions. I can't face their condemnation, I can't give them answers, I don't have anything, but they scream and shout, they ask and beg for more."

Gideon sits down on the couch, and I adjust my legs so that I'm straddling him.

"I couldn't give them the answers." My voice is anguished, even to my own ears. "I didn't have answers. Not for them and not for myself. Why did he do it? Why wasn't I enough? And if he loved me, how could he do that to me? I had my own questions. And none of the answers. Why did Louis do this? And now Louis killed the man I was forbidden to love."

His hands cup my face and pull me down until our foreheads are touching. The slightly chocolate scent of him wafts around me, teasing. It's just a faint memory on the air, there and gone.

"They are right to be mad at me," I whisper. "I was blind to the monster that is Louis."

His hand moves and cups my nape, holding me against him.

"I loved him, G, this stranger man that appeared in my life. With the burning intensity of nothing I've ever known until…" I cut myself off from finishing that sentence. It was almost too much, too far. "It was impossible. I was engaged to Louis. I didn't know him, we just met. A hundred thousand reasons not to, and I couldn't help myself."

I tear myself back, pulling against his hands, relishing in the pain.

"He was watching us," I spit. "I'm so stupid, so stupid."

Gideon grips my arms and shakes me, a quick, hard jolt. I focus on where I imagine his head would be if we weren't sitting in pitch black. I reach out and feel the satin length of his hair.

"You feel real tonight." I climb off his lap and fall onto the couch and curl up. He's on me in a moment, pulling me up and across the room. My back hits the wall.

I snarl.

He snarls back.

"You feel real," I shout. "But you're not. You are my eternal punishment. My damnation for my blindness, my complicity, my sheer arrogance," I scream. "Everything I want in everything I can't have!"

His hand slams into the wall beside my head, and I fall silent, shocked more than scared.

I can feel him looming over me.

"You aren't real," I whisper.

His hand hits the wall again.

"G, you're a figment of my imagination," I say stubbornly.

He moves even closer, and his head dips down to bite down hard on the skin between my neck and shoulder. I cry out and dig my nails into his shoulders. He pulls back and taps the wall, a soft, gentle sound that echoes around the room.

His finger traces my hip and winds over my stomach and up between my breasts. My face is on fire, my breathing coming in sawing heaves. He gets to the place where my heart is and circles it before pressing harder and drawing a cross.

My eyes widen as I glance down. I can't see my chest, but I can feel the trail his fingers took.

My hair is seized, and my head pulled back. I gasp, my mouth open against the pain, and then his lips are on mine.

My eyes flare wide in surprise, but then I don't care. I kiss him back because this is insane, and I'm insane, but I need him.

His fingers trail down, delving deep into my jeans, slipping between my folds. He works me with effortless ease, and I cling to him. A finger slips inside me, curling deep.

This is insane. How is this possible? As if he can hear my thoughts, he bites my lower lip, and I forget my concerns. My hips rock against his hand. Faster and faster, he pushes another finger into me, and then a third. His growl is deep in my chest. His weight pins me to the wall, his hand moving faster and faster. Pleasure builds, tightening my core. I thrust back, needing more, wanting more, and then his thumb brushes my clit. I tear my mouth away from his, blind in the dark, my mouth parted in a silent scream. My body trembles, weak and boneless, in his arms.

Gideon holds me, not letting me go, forcing and wringing every shred of pleasure out of me. He pulls back and lets go of my hair. He steps away completely, and I'm alone in the dark.

My knees shake. I'm panting and trembling badly. What was that? I cry out, a soft whimper of noise. Don't leave me, please, please, don't leave me. My eyes sting, and my chest aches. I reach out, searching, seeking. His hand takes hold of mine, and he pulls towards the couch. He lays down and pulls me on top of him, and then he wraps his arms around me.

Don't leave me. I silently beg. A finger traces a cross over my chest, and then he wraps his arms around me tighter and holds me while I let down my walls and allow myself to mourn the what ifs and the stupid, silly, insignificant life that used to be mine.

Don't leave me , I silently plead over and over throughout the long dark night. His answer is always the same.

Cross my heart.