CHAPTER TWENTY

The following morning was Christmas Eve, and Adam woke early, his body feeling alive with excitement and fear.

The ball and the subsequent performance had passed in a blur, and he had had little time to accept or understand the feelings it had raised in him since he had come to bed. His head pounded with a heaviness that had nothing to do with the wine he had imbibed the night before.

He stood before the mirror, looking at his reflection, seeing the colour in his cheeks and the brightness in his eyes. It occurred to him that he looked like himself again. He examined his reflection and saw the man he once was, full of possibility and excitement, with a spark of life at his heels.

Even so, he still felt a bundle of nerves in the wake of all he had experienced. He seemed to waver between happiness at being able to be with Emilia and crushing guilt every time he thought of Anastasia. He was unable to reconcile all that had changed in so short a time. Only a month ago, if anyone had asked him if he would take a new wife, he would have denied it vehemently.

Now, he felt renewed at the prospect.

In an attempt to settle himself, he went to seek out Lionel, his cousin always acting asa steady rudder through any storm.

He wondered where Emilia was this morning, how she might be feeling—what she might be doing. Emilia. It was becoming increasingly difficult for him to think of her as ‘Lady Emilia Sterling’ now.

He walked swiftly through the grand hallway, which was positively bursting with Christmas cheer as the bowers and garlands hung heavy on all of the doorways.

Ahead of him, he saw the library and as he opened the door his shoulders sank back in relief atthe sight of his friend sitting beside the window. The fire crackled pleasantly, the wind blowing outside, sending wafts of snowflakes past the window.

Lionel was engrossed in his book, and Adam noticed that he was on the final page, his eyes moving steadily over the page.

Adam waited patiently, leaving the door open, and approached softly, trying not to startle him. Lionel did not take long to finish the book, snapping it shut with a contented sigh and glancing up at him.

“Well, good morning,” he said.

“How long have you been in here?” Adam asked with amusement.

“Several hours, I could not sleep and decided I simply had to finish this book before I spoke to Char—Miss Fairfax again.”

Adam would have probed that comment a little more, but he had too much else on his mind to think of it.

Lionel’s expression stiffened, and then a lazy smile spread over his face. “Did you wish to discuss something with me? Because I have been waiting for many days for you to broach the subject.”

Adam frowned. “Am I so transparent?”

“Entirely. But then, you are the very best of men, and I am desperate to see you settled once more. Sometimes one wishes to see a thing when it is not a reality… but I hope that is not the case here.”

“You had suspected?” Adam asked tentatively.

“I suspect many things. I would not be so arrogant as to assume I know your heart, especially with all that has happened in your past. But I have grown to hope…”

“You know I do not refer to Lord Cheswick’s daughter?”

“Not unless you have become a halfwit without me knowing.” Adam gave him a stern look, but Lionel shrugged. “I know it is not a gentlemanly thing to say, but every time the woman opens her mouth, I want to stopper it.”

“Lionel!”

“It is true. Besides, I have a notion that you do not wish to discuss Lady Seraphina.”

Adam scratched at his chin awkwardly. “No. Perhaps not.”

“Lady Emilia is a marvellous creature; I could not be happier for you.”

Adam stilled, looking into the fire and trying to make sense of all the emotions warring inside him. “I cannot understand how I have come to feel so strongly for her in such a short time.”

“You have been living a half-life for years. Sometimes, when one allows oneself back into the world, emotions run in packs, like wolves.”

Adam shrugged a shoulder, frowning into the flames.

“I loved Anastasia.”

“Nobody in the whole world would deny it, my friend. I loved her, too. She was glorious.” There was a long silence amidst the crackle of the fire, and Lionel laid a gentle hand on Adam’s shoulder. “But she is gone. And you deserve to be happy.”

Adam was aware of the tears banked at the back of his eyes now, but Lionel did not comment upon them.

“I have been so bewildered by these events and so surprised by them in equal measure. It has been far too short a time to really believe anything real could exist between us, but when we danced last night. The way she looked at me. I could hardly breathe.”

“My dear fellow, are you becoming a romantic?”

Adam chuckled softly, grateful for Lionel’s change in tone. It allowed him to gather himself and begin to pace before the fire.

“Every time I feel anything for Lady Emilia, I see Anastasia in my mind. I never believed I would want anyone else to share my life, but right from the beginning, when I first heard her play, there was a connection I couldn’t deny. She touches something inside me that I do not believe even Anastaisa could penetrate. It is beyond understanding. It is beyond logic.”

Adam ran a hand angrily through his hair as he turned back, feeling the warmth of the flames fading as he marched back toward the bookshelves.

“And you are sure this is a reality,” Lionel asked evenly, “not a passing fancy? After all you have not been in company for a long while. Perhaps it is simply the closeness you have missed.”

Adam stopped, staring at his cousin in disbelief. “Have you not been listening?” Adam asked, exasperated.

“Of course, but I am trying to help you,” Lionel insisted. “You seem confused about how you feel; I am simply asking if it is real.” Lionel shrugged a shoulder as though the idea was commonplace. “Perhaps it is merely proximity. This infatuation will fade in time, and then you can live your life as you had before.”

The horror of that casual statement must have shown on his face.

“Of course it is real,” Adam said forcefully. “Do you believe me so cold that I would simply lead a woman on like this without good reason? She has helped me to feel again. And this is something unique to her and her excellent character. Your mother dragged me to countless balls only a year after Ana died. I met dozens of women. None of them compare. Not even in the smallest way to what I feel for Emilia.”

There was a ringing silence after that statement, and Adam felt anger and relief burst through him as he watched Lionel’s face transform into a wide smile.

He had been tricked into confessing his feelingsand without any subtlety whatsoever. Adam almost groaned at his own susceptibility.

“I believe we both know the truth now,” Lionel said, smugness rolling from him in waves.

“You are a scoundrel.”

Lionel chuckled, coming forward and wringing his hand before clapping him on the shoulder.

“Adam, you are like a brother to me. I have longed to see you begin your life again. And that is what you are doing. This is not erasing Anastasia it is celebrating her by allowing yourself to love for a second time. I believe, I truly believe, she would be happy for you. She would not wish for you to wither away into obscurity becauseof a lost memory. Be free, my friend. And tell Lady Emilia how you feel.”

Behind Lionel amidst the shadows of the bookshelves, a dark figure stood in the faint glow of the firelight. Two eyes watching the men with mounting fury.

Frederick had been able to hear every word that the two men had exchanged, and he finally knew his time had run out. He was no longer in any doubt about the path he must follow. He could not allow Adam to confess his feelings to Emilia Sterling. And if her ultimate abandonment drove him back to his state of grief and despair then all the better.

All he had to do now was to convince the one man who could destroy their happiness to go along with his plan.