15. Jax

Jax

R afael catches up with me in the car park and grabs my hand.

"Jax, are you all right-"

"No," I answer before he can finish asking. "No, I'm not all right. I, I knew what he was doing. Titan was a monster, just another monster in Hurricane. I didn't know he had proof and a collection. I thought it was just me. Just me!" I let out a shriek of pure frustration. "It happened when I first came here. I wasn't using Jax Shade, I was going by Jasmyn Rollins, I needed a job, I worked here for a few days. Titan doesn't take no for an answer," I spit bitterly.

"And the police?"

I lean in close to Rafael. "Who think I'm in on killing over twenty people with my ex-fiancé? I mean, I could have told my psychiatrist, but he's always looking for reasons to lock me up, so, you know. I kinda figured since no one would believe me anyway, I'd just…keep it to myself."

"It wasn't your fault."

With a snarl, I pull myself free from him and wrap my arms around myself. "I know that," I say crossly and glare at him.

"Do you?"

I scowl at him and turn away. Dane and Gideon are talking with Gage. I lean on the car and bite my lip. A car backfires, and I jump and then curse myself when my heart explodes into a gallop. Maybe I am a bit on edge .

"Fuck!"

"Jax."

"What?" I shout at him. "What? It happened years ago. It's over. I made a mistake when my boss asked me to go out the back and have a talk with him."

"You didn't make a mistake, Jax. He took advantage, he did the wrong thing, he took what he didn't have the right to. You did nothing wrong."

I turn myself away from him, unable to look at him.

"Jax…"

"I have terrible taste in men." My fingers trace a continuous pattern on my thigh. "I attract bad people. I'm terrified I've made a mistake with you three. Isn't that stupid?"

"That's not stupid. And we will prove it to you over and over, every day. I won't hurt you."

I shake my head. "I'm not afraid of being hurt."

"Then what's the problem?"

How do I tell him? How do I make him understand that every time I make a choice, there's a consequence that comes back to bite me on the ass? This time, the consequence is catastrophic. It's one of those moments you can't take back, but you'll spend the rest of your life wishing for just one redo. I feel the ache deep inside me. A howling of grief.

I squeeze my eyes closed, wishing and praying, but wishes and prayers never helped me before. "I saw my sister's name on that list."

Rafael hisses and goes still.

I clench my jaw and press my forehead to the cold metal of the car. "Louis killed Titan because of that list. Yes. I'm going to say that's a huge affirmative. He killed Titan and set him up because of me. Titan raped me, and Louis' answer to that was what happened in the bar. It makes sense now. I had wondered why Louis went scorched earth on him.

"He's protective?"

"Possessive," I say tiredly. "The only time I saw him violent was when a man grabbed me a year before we got engaged. Louis almost beat him to death in front of me. He doesn't like when people touch what's his. It's the only time he'll use his fists." Just saying those words out loud makes me realise what I've done to Rafael, Dane, and Gideon. Their death warrants are signed.

"Hey, stop that. We chose this, and we're already all in. We aren't going to lose."

I turn to look at him and find him nose-to-nose with me. I let out a little giggle that turns into hysterical laughter, wringing tears from my eyes.

"Oh, man, my life." I shake my head and wipe the tears away. "Did you find Stevie?"

"Yeah, she was…um…"

"Just tell me."

"She was passed out in some guy's house with a needle in her arm. She's alive and in the hospital. They're taking care of her. Eddie's with her. Apparently, this isn't the first time."

My mirth fades away. Hurricane is a stain on every life who lives here.

I peer up at Rafael and feel the weight of my failures. "Okay."

"Jax?"

"I'm okay, it's okay." I shake my head and reach out. As soon as I touch him, my fingers curl, clutching and pulling him to me. "I'm okay."

"It's okay if you aren't," Rafael whispers and hugs me so tight my bones ache. "Look, I hate to ask this, but do we think Louis might be Sparrow? "

"It occurred to me, but I don't know. I can't be certain. Lee grew up here. He knows everyone as well as I do. Sparrow spouts that he came from a much bigger city than Hurricane. It's a source of pride for him."

"So maybe we go back to those people who knew Lee and not Louis."

"The Library?" I shake my head. "I want to go back and find out about his parents. We know about the Grandfather, but…"

Rafael nods and waves to Dane and Gideon, who say goodbye to Gage and trot over to us.

While Rafael explains, I drive us back to Lee's mother's house. It looks just as burned down and lonely as it did last time. On either side are run down houses. One has a tree that is struggling but has a little more care. This time, I go straight to that neighbour's house and knock on the door.

The lady that answers could be around my grandmother's age, had she lived, but she looks like life has beaten her down. She clutches at the door and peers past me, relieved when I'm standing there alone.

"Whaddya want?"

"My name is Jax. I'm here because I used to know the boy who lived next door."

Her eyes widen, and she turns fearful. She starts closing the door. "I don't know nothing."

"No, wait, please."

She hesitates. One frightened woman recognising another.

"I just need to know what their lives were like. Were they happy? Did they love each other?"

"They fought like cats and dogs. He liked to drink. He worked hard, but she hated being a mother. She hated it. Always off with some guy while he was working. "

She blinks, realised what she's said, and backs up, closing the door over.

"I can't tell you anymore."

"But-"

She hesitates. "He's hurting you, ain't he? He's mean like a snake like his ma, but charming like his father? He's got you by the short and curlies."

I nod.

This woman who's probably a foot shorter than me, with hair as white as snow and shrewd, rheumy eyes, weighs me up. The seconds pass while I stand there waiting to see if I'll come out worthy or not.

"Wait here."

She vanishes and returns ten minutes later with a photo in her hands. "This was on a good day. Those two babies didn't have a chance. It was about a month before the fire. I forgot about it until I saw you guys a few months back. Found it, didn't even remember it."

I take the photo and look at the people cast in muted colours. They look like a stereotypical family. Two little kids with blonde hair and matching smiles. They look like their dad, who grins, but he doesn't have kind eyes. Louis' mother smiles, but it's mocking, cruel. She's a beautiful woman. I leave Louis for last, and when I see him, my chest tightens painfully.

"He looks just like I remember first meeting him."

"Yeah, little Lee, he was a sweetheart, but I never trusted him. I caught him pushing his sister onto the road when he was six. But he was so sweet, sometimes you'd forget where he came from, the rot inside his family, inside his soul."

"Ms? "

"Nadia. Nadia Livingstone. I've lived here for all these years, just existing, but to come back here after all this time, threatening me." The woman's lips curl, anger in every line of her aged body.

"You've seen him? Recently?" My alarm bleeds into my voice.

She jerks like she's been shot. "No! Of course, not. Well…I was in bed. I woke up with a knife to my throat. He whispered in my ear and threatened me. Told me all about what he remembered about me, so I knew it was him, and then he told me exactly what he'd do to me."

She shudders.

"Evil, evil boy."

"When was this?"

"A few years ago. He came to remind me again a few months before today. Told me he needed to make sure I knew that I'd remembered what I'd promised."

"I hate to be rude, ma'am, but why are you talking to me?"

Nadia stares at me, and I suddenly get a sense of how old and vulnerable and frightened she must be before she bursts into tears.

"My husband died a few years before Lee's mother came to live here. I loved him, my once in a lifetime love. We were on the track to success. We had dreams, 2.5 children, a home with a picket fence, two dogs, and a cat, and a love that would see us on the porch in rocking chairs when we grew old. All that died with him. I tried dating, but I just…I don't feel anything close, and I don't want to settle, but that boy…he has turned my existence into dread. Each night, I go to sleep afraid. Each time I enter my house, I wonder if he's in there. I don't want to live the rest of however long I have left mourning the life I could have had…I'm not afraid of dying…but I'm terrified of what he promised to do to me. And I hate that. I hate him."

I slide the photo into my pocket and nod slightly. " I understand."

"Don't bother with the other neighbours. No one else was around when this happened. Just get out of here before they decide to steal your car."

"Do you have anywhere to go, Nadia?"

She shakes her head. "I'll be fine here."

I hesitate, but she closes the door in my face. I turn and stalk down the path, glancing at the brown grass. It's so typical for this neighbourhood. Dead grass and weeds. People think being poor doesn't affect certain parts of your life, but it affects everything, even your grass.

I look at the burned down house; the fence is leaning wildly; the boards rotted and half broken. But the view of the house ruins is clear. Was she drunk? Did she do it on purpose? Was she asleep? Did Lee do it? Was the story of cooking on a stove top true?

I don't know, but even if I assume a quarter of what Nadia says is true, their home was a nightmare. Lee grew up in one hell and ended up in another hell.

Dane opens the door and helps me into the car. I wait until we're out of the neighbourhood before I quietly tell them all the information that I've just discovered. I pull out the photo and look at it again.

They could be any normal family.

But they aren't.

I expect them to take us back to the warehouse, but Dane drives us to the burger bar and parks out front.

"What are we doing here?"

"We're having a nice family meal out."

I frown, but he leans down and touches his lips to mine.

"Baby, it's been a bad day in a long string of bad days. Let us do something to make sure it doesn't end badly. "

I lurch forward, wrapping my arms around his waist. "Every night I go to sleep with you guys, safe, alive, and knowing I'll see you in the morning is a day that hasn't ended badly."

Dane kisses the top of my head. "So, you don't regret us, then?"

"No. I think you're stuck with me," I say into his chest.

"So, I'll arrange that trip to the forest for soon, then?"

My stomach flutters, and I smile against his shirt. "The day after it's all done. I promise."

"I'ma hold you to that."

"Good." I take a breath and exhale. "Are you okay with what happened with Titan?"

"No. I'm not. I wish I could bring him back and kill him again."

I wait, but that's all he says.

"We're not going anywhere, Jax," Gideon says and slaps my ass. "Now, let's go eat. I'm starving."

I catch his arm as he walks past. He swings me into his chest and leans down, rubbing his cheek against mine.

"I know you're not going anywhere."

"Jax Shade, you look more beautiful now than the first day I saw you," Gideon whispers. "I'm glad you've accepted that I'm not going anywhere. It's only taken you a little while."

I bite his lower lip, but it just makes him hold me closer.

"Come on, you two," Rafe says. "You're getting an audience."

Gideon inhales deeply and steps back, letting me go. He clears his throat, but the whole time, he's holding eye contact, not even looking away from me. I want to jump right back into his arms.

Because I belong there.

Dane grumbles but puts an arm around my back and leads me into the diner. They find a booth and bundle me between them. I sit there and look at the menu until the guys fall silent. When I look up, I'm surprised to find River and Jacob standing at the table. Both of them are staring at me .

"Can we join you?"

I nod, my mouth dry. "I thought…"

"Yeah, we did, too, but then we spent a few hours talking this afternoon, and we decided that we're being cowards. If you can live with this shit for years, we can live with this shit, too."

It's strange hearing Jacob swear.

"Plus, we know you're trying to find him. Titan wasn't the Black Dahlia Killer. We all know that. Have you found out who was blackmailing Phil?"

I shake my head.

Jacob and River exchange a look. "We might be able to help you with it," Jacob says quietly. "Is there somewhere safer we can talk?"

I look at Gideon. "Burgers to go?"

He nods. "Sure. We'll stop and grab some drinks and snacks on the way home."