Chapter 37

CHAPTER 37

E dwina rode along with her eyes closed, trying not to think about everything she had left behind.

The carriage jostled slightly on the uneven road, and she was glad for the discomfort because it served to take her mind off her worries. It was better to think about the fact that she was physically uncomfortable than it would have been to ponder what had happened between the Duke and herself.

And yet, she couldn’t get him off her mind. She couldn’t forget their last conversation. How upset he had been at the thought of Lord Kentrow’s proposal. She’d seen it all over him in the tense way he had held himself when he had heard about it. And then there was the way he had acted when she had told him she was planning on coming to the country. It was as if she had betrayed him personally somehow when she knew perfectly well that she had done nothing of the sort. There was no reason for him to be upset with her. There was no reason for him to be upset at all.

She had gone so far as to finally demand the answer to the question she had feared to ask him. Did he love her?

And he had given her nothing at all in response. Even a no would have been better than the silence with which he had met her.

Of course, the answer was no. That was why he hadn’t given it. He had been too cowardly to simply tell her, after all the time they had spent together, that she didn’t matter to him and never had. He had been faced with his own bad behavior, and he hadn’t liked it very much. He had found it impossible to say anything in response to her.

Edwina was glad she had made him suffer, but now she was the one suffering.

At least, it would be quiet in the country. At least, she would finally be alone with these thoughts, and she wouldn’t have to worry any longer about errant dukes and their opinions of her. Her chosen life—that of spinsterhood—could truly begin, and she could stop imagining what it might be like to be married.

To be married to the Duke.

She let out a sigh and leaned her head back against the carriage wall. The thoughts seemed to pursue her. She wondered how long it would be before she was able to outrun them.

Suddenly, the carriage came to a stop. Edwina’s eyes flew open, and she sat up straight, wondering what was going on. Could this mean danger?

The carriage door opened.

It was the Duke.

For a long moment, she just stared at him, wondering whether she had slipped into a dream. She must have. It didn’t make sense for him to be here. She had left him behind on purpose. She had told him not to follow her—again, deliberately.

And yet, this didn’t feel like a dream.

“Lady Edwina,” he said. He was rather breathless, and she thought he must have been riding hard in an attempt to catch up with her. “May I come in?”

She couldn’t very well deny him now. “I suppose you can,” she said.

She couldn’t help staring at him as he climbed up into the carriage. She was so shocked by his presence that she wasn’t sure how to respond—she couldn’t think of anything to say to him. He took a seat opposite her, and for a moment, the two of them just sat that way, regarding one another.

“You really left,” he said at last.

“I told you that I was going to.”

“I didn’t know that it was your intention to go so soon.”

“I couldn’t see the point in waiting,” she told him. “After all, what would I have been waiting for?”

“I suppose that makes sense,” he said. “But…I asked you not to go.”

“And I can’t stay just because you ask me to, Your Grace. You understand that, surely. I can’t build a life around the requests that you make of me when you and I have no future together. There was nothing for me in London. I had to go. It was the only thing that made sense for me anymore. I’m not going to marry, so I don’t want to go on living as if I’m torn between two worlds. I can’t attend balls every other week and spend long periods of time at house parties, acting as if I’m looking for a match when we know that I am not. I want to live the life I’ve chosen.”

“You want to be a spinster.”

“That’s right. I do.”

“And what about me?”

“What about you? You’ll find someone else soon enough. Everyone knows you’re the most eligible bachelor in the ton.”

“I don’t want someone else, Lady Edwina.” He locked eyes with her. “I want you. You are the only one I want and the only one I ever will.”

Edwina’s breath caught in her throat.

How could he be saying that? How could this be what he wanted to say to her after all this time? And where had these words been when they had been together before she had left?

“Why now?” she managed. “Why are you saying this to me now?”

“I should have said it sooner. I know that.”

“That’s right. You should have,” she told him. “I asked you, didn’t I? And you didn’t give me an answer. You gave me nothing at all.”

“That’s why I came after you,” he said. “I was wrong not to say it before. I know that. I should have told you how I felt, and I would have done it if I’d been stronger. Braver. But I’m not going to let the chance get away from me twice I need you to hear it, Lady Edwina. I had to tell you how I felt before you closed the door on this part of your life forever.”

“All right,” Edwina said. She felt detached from what was happening, as if she was watching it happen to someone else, and it occurred to her that perhaps it was simply too difficult to trust the Duke again after everything they had each been through. She had never fully trusted him to begin with, and now…well, hadn’t he had enough chances? Hadn’t she come back to him over and over, hoping each time that things might be different between them at last? And they never had been.

“I think you ought to get out of the carriage,” she said. “I think I should be on my way.”

“No,” he said.

She raised her eyebrows. “You’re saying no?”

“I’m not going to let you walk away from me again,” he said. “I made that mistake once. I’m not going to make it twice, Edwina. You asked me before if I loved you, and I couldn’t answer you then. I’m sorry for that. You deserved to be answered right away—you deserve to be loved by a man who doesn’t have to think twice before giving you an answer. I hope that, if nothing else, you can take some consolation from the fact that after having thought about it, I feel appalled that it took me any consideration at all. Of course, I love you. Of course, I have loved you this whole time. And I won’t let you ride away from me and begin a life as a spinster—not without at least trying to bring you back—because I want you to marry me.”

He said all this very quickly, and when he had finished, it was clear that he was out of breath. He regarded her, waiting for her response.

Edwina’s throat felt tight. It was momentarily impossible to speak.

At last, she found words. “You love me?” she repeated. “You wish to marry me?”

“Yes. More than anything, yes.”

“What about your quest for a perfect duchess? I think we can agree that I am not that.”

“I was a fool to look for a perfect duchess for so long. I ought to have been searching for someone perfect for me . And if I had allowed myself to search for such a person, I would have realized long ago that she was right in front of me. You’re all I’ve wanted for the longest time, Lady Edwina. I’m begging you to become my wife.”

“You tormented me,” she said. “You made me believe I was nothing more than a pawn—a tool in the game you were playing to find someone better suited to yourself.”

“I didn’t think you wanted me either,” he told her. “If I had thought so, I wouldn’t have let things go on the way I did. But I was so sure you didn’t care about me at all, that it didn’t matter to you what I did or what I thought about you. I didn’t think you wanted me to care for you.”

“I didn’t think I wanted that either,” Edwina confessed, feeling herself soften slightly. After all, she had told him again and again that she had no interest in him. She had believed it herself. He could hardly be blamed for thinking it was the truth.

He reached out and took her hand.

Only then did Edwina fully realize the position they were in. The two of them were completely alone, utterly unchaperoned, sitting in a carriage where they couldn’t be seen by anybody.

She had spent years avoiding being in compromising positions with men. But now, sitting here with the Duke…

She didn’t want him to go.

Strange as it was to realize, she liked having him near her. She liked his hand in hers, and she even liked the fact that they were doing something a bit scandalous. She liked the fact that she would never be able to tell anyone what had happened here today, and the sudden rush of trust she felt, looking at him and knowing that he would never tell anyone either. He wouldn’t damage her reputation like that, and that meant that this moment would always belong to the two of them. It would always be theirs alone.

Was this what it meant to love someone?

“If I came back with you,” she began.

His head lifted. His eyes searched hers.

“I’m not saying I will,” she told him.

“What can I do? How can I persuade you?”

And suddenly, Edwina found that she didn’t need to be persuaded after all.

It was as if all the walls that she had had up all this time came crumbling down all at once, leaving her feeling as vulnerable as the day she was born.

“Do you really wish to marry me?” she asked him, her voice barely rising above a whisper.

“I’m just sorry that it took me so long to realize it,” he told her. “If I had any sense at all, I would have asked you the very first day we met. I wouldn’t have wasted your time and mine with these dates, with the pretense of acting as though I was only doing it for the sake of finding someone better suited to me. If I had had any sense at all, I would have known from the beginning that no one could possibly be better suited to me. Tell me that you’ll come back to London with me and agree to be my wife. I haven’t done anything to deserve it, but I ask you anyway.”

“I will,” she told him quietly, unable to believe that she was actually saying the words—that she was truly accepting a proposal. It was really happening, this thing that she had sworn to herself she would never do. “I’ll marry you.”

His eyes shone as he beamed at her across the carriage. He reached out to take her other hand, and Edwina’s heart seemed to beat at three times its normal rate. She had never felt closer to anyone in all her life.

And when he closed the distance between them and leaned in to kiss her, she felt as if she had been waiting forever for this moment to arrive.