Chapter 34

CHAPTER 34

S o, she was leaving.

She was committing to the life of a spinster—a life he could never be a part of—and she was leaving London. Leaving for good.

Allan struggled to understand his own reaction to the news. He felt as if a hole had opened up inside him, a hole that threatened to suck every part of him down into it. He would never manage to claw his way back to the surface.

But why should he feel that way? After all, things between himself and Lady Edwina had always been temporary, and he had known for some time that she was ready for them to end. He hadn’t learned anything new today. Why did he feel so bereft? It was almost as if he had learned that someone had died.

He dragged his feet on his way up to the library. His only wish was to be alone for a while. The idea of going to back to the party now curdled in his mouth like sour milk. But when he pushed open the door to the library and stepped inside, he saw that he was not alone after all.

“Allan,” Seth said quietly, “I wondered whether I might see you up here this evening.”

“Did you know?” Allan’s voice came out sounding hoarse, and he felt embarrassed at the fact that he was so clearly betraying his feelings. He didn’t want Seth to see how upset he was, but perhaps there was no hiding it. He felt as if he was about to lose his composure.

“Did I know?” Seth repeated, frowning.

“Lord Kentrow proposed marriage to Lady Edwina tonight. Did you know that was going to happen?”

“I would have told you,” Seth said. “You must know I would have told you if I’d know that.”

Allan shook his head. “I don’t know what you would have done,” he replied. “I don’t know what to think anymore. Not about you, not about her…not about myself. None of this has been a good idea. I should have stayed away from it from the very beginning. It’s entirely my fault that I got too close to her, allowed myself to invest time in her…I should never have done that.”

“Wait a moment,” Seth said, frowning. “Did Lady Edwina accept the proposal?”

“No. She turned him down.”

“Then…forgive me, Allan, but I don’t see what you’re this upset about,” Seth admitted. “She must have said no because she’s truly interested in you. And that’s what you wanted all along.”

“What do you mean? That’s not what I wanted all along. I don’t know where you’ve gotten that idea.” He felt dizzy, as if the floor was moving beneath him, and he fell into a chair and gripped its arms to steady himself.

“You must abandon this pretense, Allan,” Seth told him. “You’ve let it continue for far too long. She turned down Lord Kentrow, but do you truly believe that no one else will propose? If you don’t do it, someone will, and eventually she will say yes. She may be the unattainable spinster, but she is also one of the most beautiful ladies in London, the Queen’s diamond only a few years ago. She is still very desired. One day, she’ll realize what she’s been passing up on and say yes to someone.”

“You know that I’m looking for the perfect duchess,” Allan argued.

“Oh, yes. I know all about your impossible quest. Your unreachable standards. You think you can call her unattainable, but what lady will ever live up to the creature who lives in your mind? She doesn’t exist, Allan. No one like her exists or ever will, and you will waste your life chasing perfection.”

“That’s not what I’m doing,” Allan defended himself.

“Yes, it is,” Seth countered. “You just can’t see it because it’s all you’ve ever done. It’s the only thing you’ve been able to do since your parents died.”

Allan closed his eyes. “Are we really going to speak of this?”

He didn’t open his eyes for the next several moments, but he heard the telltale sounds of glasses and a bottle being set on a table, followed by the pouring of liquid. “Here,” Seth said. “We are going to speak about it, and we’re going to have a drink.”

Allan sighed, held out his hand, and accepted the glass he was offered. He took a long swallow.

“I know what losing them did to you,” Seth said quietly. “And I know that I wasn’t there for you in the way that I should have been.”

“What are you talking about?” Allan asked. “You’ve always been a good friend to me.”

“I’ve been a good friend when you’ve wanted someone to forget your troubles with. I haven’t helped you to cope with them. I’ve seen the way you’ve thrown yourself into your responsibilities as duke. You feel that you need to find someone perfect to marry because it’s what’s expected of you.”

“It is what’s expected of me.”

“No, it isn’t. You forget that I hold this title too, Allan. I know what we must do. I know the responsibility you bear because I bear it too. You do need to find a wife—a good wife. You need to ensure your family’s future. But you do not need to find someone flawless. If you spend too much time seeking that, you will find yourself alone. And it will be too late.”

Allan closed his eyes again. “I don’t know what you’re suggesting.”

“I think you do. I think you don’t want to see it, but I know that you have feelings for Lady Edwina.”

“She asked me if I loved her,” Allan admitted.

“And what answer did you give?”

Allan shook his head. “I didn’t answer,” he confessed. “I couldn’t answer.”

“Why not?”

“Because I don’t know the answer. I haven’t given it any thought. I wasn’t supposed to have feelings for the unattainable spinster, Seth. She was supposed to help me find my duchess.”

“Perhaps she has done exactly that—but not in the way you expected she would.”

“You can’t seriously think that I ought to pursue a future with her? She’s still the unattainable spinster, Seth. No gentleman has ever been successful.”

“Well, look at what happened tonight. Look at the facts we know to be true. She received a marriage proposal, turned it down, and then immediately asked you whether you loved her. Why did she ask you that? What motive could she have had?”

“She asked me because she had just finished telling me of her plan to leave London,” Allan explained, “and I had asked her not to go.”

“Well, that’s interesting. Why did you ask her that?”

“You’re going to say that I did it because I’m in love with her, aren’t you?”

“I’m not going to say anything at all. I’m asking your opinion. Why don’t you want her to leave London? If it’s not because you love her, why do you want her to stay? I’m sure that’s what she wonders. And who could blame her?”

“I want her to stay because—well—I enjoy her company,” Allan stammered.

“That isn’t enough of a reason. You enjoy the company of plenty of ladies.”

“And don’t you see the problem with that?” Allan asked, his head jerking up. He felt as though a fire was coursing through his veins. “Don’t you see what I might do to her?”

“You’ve never done anything to harm a lady or her reputation,” Seth protested.

“There’s a reason her brother didn’t want her anywhere near me. He could see what a terrible idea it would be. If you had a sister, you would feel just the same, Seth. Don’t pretend you wouldn’t. Nobody would wish to see me involved with someone they cared about. And they’d be right to feel that way because I have never taken a lady seriously in all my life.”

“That doesn’t mean you never will , Allan,” Seth insisted. “Don’t you see that it would be worse if you had gone around making false promises to ladies, treating every affair as if it were something to be relied upon? You have never pretended that you were offering anybody anything more than what you truly were, and if some ladies have been disappointed, you can’t be blamed for that.”

“I don’t think you would be saying this if it was your sister we were talking about.”

“I’m one of your oldest friends, Allan. I’ve known you longer than almost anyone. I know you better than almost anyone. You fear becoming the scoundrel and the rake society has painted you as, but that has never been who you truly are. See yourself through my eyes, if you can, and you will know.”

Allan shook his head and took another long sip of his drink. He would have liked to believe his friend’s words, but that was the trouble. He wanted to believe what Seth was saying too much to allow himself to think that it was actually true. It was simply too convenient.

He hadn’t realized the extent to which—after all this time—he had truly come to believe the things people said about him. But he did believe them. He knew how much time he spent in pursuit of fun. He hadn’t neglected his responsibilities, but he had certainly told himself that there was no reason to hold back from a good time until the day for marriage came.

“Do you love her?” Seth pressed him.

“Matthew would never accept it if I did.”

“Forget about that for a moment. You’re only answering me. Do you love her?”

Allan shook his head. “I don’t know the answer to that question.”

“You need to figure it out. Particularly if she’s thinking of leaving London. You need to answer this before she goes because if she leaves and you haven’t said everything you need to say, you’ll regret it for the rest of your life. What if she goes and only then do you realize your true feelings for her?

“I’ll go after her,” Allan said at once. It struck him as a foolish question. “It’s not as if she would be impossible to reach in the country.”

“That’s true. But time might make her impossible for you to reach. She might realize that she doesn’t want to wait any longer for you. She might decide she’s waited long enough. Allan, you need to think carefully about what you’re doing because the way you handle the next few days will impact the rest of your life,” Seth said. “I wish there was something I could do to make it easier for you, but I know that there isn’t. The best thing I can do is to tell you what I think. And what I think is that you need to find out what your true feelings are and share them with Lady Edwina as soon as you possibly can before the chance is gone forever.”

Allan looked up at his friend, wondering if there was anything he could do that would make this easier—anything that would make it even feel possible. Right now, he felt as though he was facing the most daunting task in the world. Confiding his feelings to Lady Edwina would be difficult enough even if he had mastered an understanding of how he felt, and he hadn’t.

And Seth was right. He could see that. These were questions he was going to have to answer, and he was going to have to do it quickly. If he couldn’t manage it, the chance to get what he wanted from this situation would elude him forever.

He would lose her.

And though he hadn’t expected it in the least, that thought suddenly seemed unbearable to Allan.