Chapter 33

CHAPTER 33

T he nearness of the Duke made Edwina feel dizzy.

How could she have ignored her feelings for him as long as she had? How could she have told herself, over and over, that there was nothing here? That if they simply avoided one another, everything would be fine? Of course, everything wouldn’t be fine. She couldn’t even look at him without feeling as though her heart was about to stop.

He had left several feet of space between the two of them, but Edwina felt heavily aware of that space, as if it was something that lay on her very skin. She moved in place a little, trying to dispel the feeling, but it went nowhere. As long as he was beside her, she thought, she would feel this way. There would be nothing she could do about it.

He looked over at her. “I saw that Lord Kentrow brought you out here,” he said quietly.

“And that’s why you’re here now? Because you followed?”

“Yes, that’s why.”

She was startled. “You’re being very honest with me today.”

“I’ve never lied to you, Lady Edwina.”

“You’ve never been like this either. You’ve never spoken to me so…openly.”

He lifted his shoulders and let them fall. “I suppose I don’t see the harm in it,” he said. “Why shouldn’t we be honest with one another?”

“Yes, I’d like it if we were,” she agreed.

“Then perhaps you’d like to tell me why you keep ordering me out of your presence.”

Maybe she did owe him a bit of honesty now. “I didn’t know why at first,” she said. “I wasn’t trying to deceive you.”

He nodded. “And now?”

“And now…I don’t like the way I feel when I’m around you,” she explained.

He looked over at her. “You don’t like it?”

“I don’t trust it,” she amended.

“A crucial difference.”

It was her turn to shrug.

The wind blew fiercely. Edwina shivered. It was chilly. She found herself wishing that the Duke would put his arm around her and pull her into the warmth of his body. She was sure that he would be warm.

How could she want that?

But this was exactly what she meant by not trusting the way she felt around him.

“I’ve been the unattainable spinster for so long,” she said softly. “I’ve known myself by that identity. It’s how I’ve made sense of who I am. And one thing I’ve always felt certain of is that I would never be so enthralled by any man, the way I’ve seen other young ladies get, that I would allow myself to get lost in his charms.”

“Did something happen between yourself and Lord Kentrow?”

She stared at him. Did he truly think she was talking about Lord Kentrow right now? No one could have been further from her mind.

He seemed to sense that she was shocked—or perhaps it showed on her face. “I worried when he brought you out here,” he explained. “I didn’t know what his intentions might be. Or rather—I knew that he had led you to believe that he was considering a proposal because you told me that was the case…”

“You thought I might be wrong?”

“I couldn’t be sure. And when a man takes a young lady outside alone…”

“Outside alone the way the two of us are right now, you mean?”

“I know my own intentions are honorable,” the Duke argued. “I don’t know what his intentions were.”

“Your intentions have never been honorable,” Edwina said. “You have always seen me as a game for you to win.”

The Duke didn’t respond to that. Perhaps he understood that she was speaking the truth.

“Lord Kentrow did make me an offer of marriage,” Edwina murmured.

The Duke jerked around to look at her.

She could see the whites of his eyes in the moonlight. She had never seen him look so disturbed in all the time she had known him.

Was it really so awful to him, the thought that someone might have asked her for her hand? And if it was…what was his reason?

She didn’t know what to think. Matthew had told her plainly that the Duke would never feel anything for her, and she thought he was right. She understood the Duke well enough to know what he wanted from their relationship. Besides, he had been very honest about that much. He was looking for someone to be his duchess, someone who fit his ideal of perfection, and he would never see her as that person.

She didn’t even see herself that way. She didn’t wish to marry. At least, she never had.

So why did he care if Lord Kentrow had proposed? Why were his fists clenching the side of the wall as if he hoped to crumble the stone to bits in his hands?

“What did you say to him?” the Duke asked, his voice sharp and tight.

“I told him no.”

The tension seemed to bleed out of the Duke’s body. He slumped slightly where he sat. Edwina didn’t know what to think. Was he disappointed in what she had said? Did he wish she had accepted the proposal?

Why in the world did he care?

Unless…unless Matthew was wrong? Unless she had been wrong. Was it possible that the Duke did have feelings for her?

She felt nearly choked by the possibility. It was too much even to consider it. She didn’t want to think about it for fear of getting her hopes up—and it was only in that moment of rising hope that she realized just how much she wanted him to feel something.

Because she felt something, too.

Because in spite of all her efforts to remain strong, she had been charmed by him. He had won her over. And if he didn’t mean to take her seriously, she would be heartbroken in spite of the fact that she had sworn to herself that she would never allow any man to break her heart.

“You told him no?” the Duke asked, his voice so tense that he barely sounded like himself at all.

“I’ve decided to go and live in the country,” she told him.

He was quiet for a moment. “What?”

“My family has a country estate. I’m going to go and live there.”

“You’re leaving London, then?”

“I am.”

“Why?”

“It’s not the place for me,” she said. “I’m unmarried. I’m a spinster. It’s who I am. As long as I remain here, people will try to force me into arrangements. People will try to find marriages for me or to propose to me themselves. I can’t take any more of it. I’m done. If I am to be on my own, I ought to be able to make my own choices. I ought to be free to live my life for myself. A spinster may have a bad reputation, but she has her freedom, and when I am on my own in the country, I will be living the life I want to live. It’s the best choice for me.”

“Then you and I won’t see one another again,” the Duke said quietly.

“That’s what I want.”

“I don’t believe you.”

He was being so direct today. She could hardly stand it. She had grown accustomed to his games, to the way every statement he made seemed to give rise to three more questions so that she could never seem to figure anything out when she spoke to him. She hadn’t thought she liked that—she had thought it annoyed her. Now, though, she found that she missed it. It was difficult to cope with him when he was like this. His words felt as sharp as knives, and she didn’t know what to do to deflect them.

“You have to believe me,” she said.

“I don’t,” he countered. “Not when I don’t think you’re telling the truth, Lady Edwina. I think you care for me. I think you want me around. I think it drives you mad how much you want me around, and that’s why you want to go.”

“And why shouldn’t I?” She whirled around to face him directly, tired of the games. “If everything you’re saying is the truth, why shouldn’t I want to go? Anyone would be tired of this, Your Grace. Anyone would want to see the last of you. You can’t be shocked that I feel the way I do. I’m surprised you didn’t see it coming sooner. I never wish to see you again because it makes me miserable.”

She felt his hand on top of hers.

She ought to pull away from him—she knew that—but his touch seemed to reach to every part of her. It was a balm to the ache in her soul, and she didn’t want to draw away. She wanted to be closer. She wanted to throw herself into his arms, even though she knew that to want such a thing was madness.

This was the reason she had to go. She had to get away from these feelings. She couldn’t keep feeling this way. It was causing her to descend into the worst version of herself, and she was losing all her strength. She had never been vulnerable to men. She couldn’t lose that now.

“You can’t leave me,” he said.

“I can. You underestimate me.” And thank heavens for that .

“I don’t want you to leave,” he amended. “I want you to stay. I want you here.”

“You want me here because you want to win. Because this is a game to you, and if I go to the country, you’ll have to face the fact that you’ve lost.”

“That isn’t it,” he insisted.

“Then what? Tell me, Your Grace. Tell me why you want me to stay here, what benefit it will have for you. Tell me why you don’t want me to leave.”

He was quiet for a moment.

“Is it because you love me?” she prompted. “You talk as if there’s some powerful connection between us that you don’t want to break, and yet you and I both know that what you truly seek is a duchess—and I will never be that perfect duchess. Tell me the truth. Do you love me? Do you feel something more than what you’ve confessed to? It may change my mind.”

She held her breath, knowing that she had been more vulnerable with him than she had ever dreamed of allowing herself to be. To confess that he might have the power to affect her future— that was something she had never wished to admit, not even to herself.

She didn’t know what answer she wanted him to give.

If he said no, at least she could put the whole affair to rest in her mind. She would be able to stop thinking about it once and for all.

If he said yes…

She had no idea what she would do, how she would feel, if that was his answer.

But he said nothing at all.

Edwina didn’t know whether he was refusing to answer or if perhaps he just couldn’t come up with an answer. But either way, it wasn’t good enough. And within herself, she found the determination she’d needed.

“I can’t stay with you,” she said firmly. “And I can’t stay in London. I have to go.”

She rose to her feet and began to walk away.

“Wait,” the Duke said. There was a plea in his voice. “Just wait. Please.”

But she couldn’t. She had put herself through enough. She had waited long enough. It was time to go.

The strength it took to keep from looking back as she walked away from him was more than she had ever needed for anything in her life. Somehow, she managed it—and it wasn’t until she was up in her room with the door firmly locked that she allowed the first of her tears to fall.