Chapter 23

CHAPTER 23

A fter the arrival of only a few guests, Edwina decided to retire to her bedroom, feeling exhausted by the conversation she’d had with her brother and sister. There had been nothing unkind in it, she knew—they had been teasing her at the very worst. She wished it hadn’t made her feel so bad, for the fact that she did feel bad made her think herself silly.

But she couldn’t help it. They had put thoughts of the Duke in her mind, thoughts she had been doing her best to avoid for the past several days. Thinking about him was painful, and she didn’t want to do it, but at times like these, it couldn’t be avoided. After all, he was on his way here, and they would be living under the same roof for the duration of the party.

What a dreadful thing to be forced to share quarters with someone you so entirely wished to avoid! Edwina wished more than anything that she could simply go home and avoid seeing him altogether, but she could never have done that to her sister. She knew how much this party meant to Lavinia. She wouldn’t have dreamed of sitting it out.

What she didn’t expect, though, was to find Lavinia sitting on her bed and waiting for her.

“I saw you sneak away,” Lavinia explained. “I guessed that you were coming up here.”

Edwina nodded. “I thought I would rest for a little while before dinner,” she said. “And I’d like to change into the new satin gown I brought for the occasion. It really is lovely.”

“I’m sure everyone will admire it,” Lavinia said. “But Edwina, I think you and I ought to have a conversation.”

“About what?”

“The Duke of Harbeck.”

“Him again? What fascinates you so about the Duke that you can’t let the subject rest, Lavinia?”

“It’s nothing to do with what fascinates me ,” Lavinia said. “But you’re my sister, Edwina. I know you well. I always have. And I can see that your feelings about the Duke are more complicated than you want to let on. I want you to tell me what’s going on. Was he unkind to you?”

“Oh, certainly,” Edwina said dryly. “Didn’t you know? From the very first moment we began to associate with one another, he pledged to me that he would charm me against my will—all while making sure I knew that no matter how I might come to feel about him, he would never marry me. Not that I want to marry him! But there’s only so much arrogance a lady can tolerate.”

“And that’s why you’ve decided not to see him anymore.”

“Essentially.” It was all she was able to admit to without speaking about the kiss.

“I suppose that makes sense,” Lavinia agreed. “Though it does surprise me to see you so affected.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well, what could he truly do to you? It isn’t as though he could actually charm you in the way you’re describing—you seem to have all sorts of defenses in place against him. Just as you always have with every gentleman who’s tried his luck with you. Isn’t that so?”

“Of course, it is,” Edwina said, feeling oddly upset. Her sister hadn’t said anything unkind. She had merely named something that was true—Edwina was careful to defend herself against the possibility of developing feelings for any gentleman who might try his luck with her. She had always been cautious about that, and Lavinia was correct in her assessment.

So why did she feel as if something hurtful had been said?

“It just makes me wonder what could have happened with this gentleman to make you so anxious to push him away,” Lavinia observed. “I would have assumed that you would simply allow him to take you out on the five dates that were arranged and that you would be rid of him when it was over. It does seem the more sensible course of action, and you have never been anything if not perfectly sensible. Why were you so determined to be rid of him more quickly? Could it not wait?”

“I tired of his company,” Edwina said.

“Nothing more?”

“What’s the matter? You sound as if you don’t believe what I’m saying.”

“I don’t mean to accuse you of concealing the truth, Edwina, but I do wonder whether you’re being completely honest with yourself,” Lavinia confessed. “I think perhaps you find it easier to push the Duke away than to confront your feelings about him.”

“I haven’t got feelings about him. What could possibly make you say such a thing?”

“I say it because I know you well, that’s all,” Lavinia said. “I’ve seen you through interactions with many gentlemen. I know how you respond to them. I would have said it was impossible for you to surprise me—but I’ve never seen you act with anyone the way you have since the Duke came into your life.”

“How have I acted?”

“Preoccupied. It truly seems as if he takes up a great deal of your thoughts.”

Edwina felt deeply frustrated. Her sister was quite right, of course, but she thought she had done a better job of concealing it. She thought of denying it even now, but what was the use? Lavinia had always seen her more clearly than anybody else—it was why they had been so close in childhood, though it certainly was an annoyance today.

“Very well,” she said. “You’re right, I suppose. I have spent more than my share of time thinking about him, little though I would like to admit it.”

“It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Edwina. He’s a very handsome gentleman.”

“Yes, he is.” Edwina seized upon the excuse gratefully. “Truly wonderful to look upon though I wish I was strong enough not to have noticed it.”

“But of course, you noticed,” Lavinia said. “You think yourself unattainable, Edwina, and perhaps that’s even true, but you are still a lady, and you’re far from invulnerable to a good-looking gentleman! Anyone would be taken by him. I’m sure I would be if I wasn’t already married. There’s no shame in it. And if you found yourself thinking about him a bit more than you would ordinarily have thought of a gentleman who sought your favor, well, that’s only to be expected, for he’s one of the best looking of the lot of them. I don’t know that you’d find a more handsome gentleman in all of London—with the exception of Seth, of course.” She beamed happily at the thought of her own husband.

Edwina had to smile, too. “In spite of how much I despise all this, it is good to see you happy,” she told her sister.

“I only want the same for you. The same happiness. You know that, don’t you?”

“Of course, I know. But it isn’t to be found with the Duke of Harbeck. He may be handsome, but he has nothing else to recommend him. Trust me, calling a halt to our arrangement when I did was the right choice. I have no regrets about it.”

“I wonder how you will feel to see him at the party?”

“Is he already here?”

“I hadn’t seen him yet when I snuck up to your room, but I know that he does plan on attending.”

“Well, I’m sure it’s not going to be any sort of problem,” Edwina said. “Your home is large, so we should easily be able to avoid one another. I don’t believe he wishes to see me any more than I wish to see him.”

Lavinia frowned. “Edwina…did something happen between the two of you?”

“What do you mean?” Edwina’s heart beat faster at the thought of her sister discovering her secret. “What could have happened?”

If someone were to find out, Lavinia would certainly be the best possible person. She would not approve, but she wouldn’t be too condemning about it. After all, in the early days of her knowing her husband, the two of them had repeatedly snuck off to engage in a series of midnight rendezvous. There had been nothing particularly scandalous about those meetings—as far as Edwina was aware at any rate. They had been lessons in dancing and how to comport oneself in society. Still, everyone knew what people would say if they heard of a young lady sneaking out to meet a gentleman in the middle of the night.

So Lavinia was unlikely to be too judgmental about the kiss. Edwina’s greater fear was that she would err too far in the other direction—that she would suggest it had been a good idea, something to be sought again. That was an idea Edwina didn’t think she could bear.

No, even though Lavinia was unlikely to judge her actions, Edwina couldn’t let her sister know what had happened.

“I don’t know what I mean,” Lavinia admitted. “All I know is that it seems to me as if you’re struggling with your thoughts about the Duke. I’ve seen you turn down dozens of men in our lives together, but I’ve never seen you appear to mind it at all. I’ve never seen you act as though they’re still on your mind after you let go of them. I would have thought you would arrive here today, perhaps make some comment about the Duke’s foolishness, and then turn your attention to other things—but instead, you seem to have nothing but time to think about him. I suspect you retired to your room so that you wouldn’t have to face him.”

“Lavinia, you give him far too much credit. I promise you, I am not thinking about the Duke anywhere near as much as you seem to believe I am.”

“Perhaps not,” Lavinia agreed. “I’m sorry if I have it wrong. I just know you’re the type of lady who would never say something if you did feel something for somebody, and I want you to know—if it’s happened now, or if it ever does, you can talk to me. I know what it’s like to be taken by surprise by your own heart. I wouldn’t judge you or think less of you. I wouldn’t try to force you into a marriage against your will, either—I know I’ve encouraged you to marry with such ardor that you must be tired of my voice. But you must know that all I really want is to see you happy, Edwina. If you’ve found yourself feeling something for the Duke, and yet you know he wouldn’t make you happy, you can confide in me, and I’ll simply listen.”

It was the perfect offer, and for a moment, Edwina ached to do just that—pour her heart out to her sister and seek reassurance that these little twinges of longing for the Duke didn’t mean anything and were nothing to be worried about.

But what if Lavinia said otherwise?

She might report that what Edwina was feeling was the very thing she herself had felt when she had fallen in love with her husband.

Edwina couldn’t be in love. She simply couldn’t.

If there was a chance that that would be the answer, it was an answer she didn’t want to learn.

“I’m all right,” she told her sister. “Truly. I’ve gotten caught up in the fun of gossiping about the Duke, nothing more. I should stop. It’s unbecoming of me.”

Lavinia gave her a measured look, and Edwina couldn’t be sure whether her sister had believed her.

But if she hadn’t, she decided to let it go. “All right,” she said. “Enjoy your rest, then, Edwina, and I’ll see you in a few hours when you join us for dinner.”