Chapter 19

CHAPTER 19

I t was the first time Edwina had ever experienced anything like this, and for a moment, she was lost in the kiss. She knew, in the back of her mind, that they shouldn’t be doing this, but she didn’t want it to stop. The strength of his hands on her back and the taste of his lips were intoxicating. There was no one here, no one to see them or stop them, and she felt like indulging in the moment as long as she possibly could.

And then reality caught up with her.

She couldn’t do this. She couldn’t allow herself to give in to him like this. It was exactly what he had wanted from her and exactly what he had warned her was going to happen, and she couldn’t let him be right.

She stepped back quickly, putting several feet of space between the two of them.

Her face was hot, her breathing erratic. She couldn’t bring herself to look at him. She was afraid that all her secrets would be written clearly on her face. Surely, if she looked at him, he would be able to see the effect he had had on her.

She didn’t dare to raise her eyes.

“I’m sorry,” he said. “Perhaps I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Perhaps you shouldn’t have? Perhaps ?”

“I didn’t mean to offend you, or to overstep,” he said. “I apologize. I thought…” He paused. “I don’t know what I thought.”

“You thought I would welcome that,” she said. “You thought I would like it.”

“I think you did like it.”

Her eyes widened at his audacity, but she couldn’t bring herself to disagree—he was right. Still, she was angry that he’d been bold enough to say it. “It’s the same arrogance you have always shown,” she said. “No matter what I say, you remain convinced that you are going to make me admire you. You probably thought I would discover that I really wanted to be kissed by you once you did it. Is that right?”

She was sure it was right. Of course, that was what he had thought.

The trouble was that she wasn’t sure he was wrong. Even now, through her anger and embarrassment, she was aware of the fact that she had enjoyed that kiss. If it were to happen again, she wasn’t sure she would be able to pull away this time.

She took a deep breath and forced herself to remain calm. There was nothing to be gained by shouting at him, and she knew it. The better thing to do would be to make her feelings clear in a calm manner.

And she knew what it was she needed to say.

“We need to put an end to this,” she said.

“You want to end this walk? For me to take you back home?”

“Yes,” she said. “But that’s not what I meant. I want more than that. I want our dates to be at an end, Your Grace. I don’t want us to see one another anymore. I know that you paid for more dates, and you’re entitled to those—I’ll speak to my family. I’ll see to it that your money is returned to you.”

“Don’t bother yourself with that,” he said. “I don’t care about the money. I gave it to your sister’s charity, and I’m certainly not about to try to claim it back from that cause. Besides, I have plenty of money. I won’t suffer from having lost that amount.”

“Very well,” Edwina agreed. “I’m glad that’s not a matter of concern for you. But I don’t think you and I should see each other again.”

She expected him to argue, to tell her that he deserved his remaining dates and that he expected her to see them through.

But he was quiet for a long moment, and when he spoke, it was with a dejected, resigned tone.

“You’re right,” he said. “It’s probably for the best that we end things now.”

It was enough to make her look up at him—she hadn’t expected that he would give in so easily.

The expression on his face was unfamiliar to her. The usual teasing smile was gone. The warm eyes had gone cold. It didn’t seem as if he was angry—anger would have involved heat. He was just distant . She could hardly believe that this was the same man who had just kissed her so passionately. Now, he seemed to hardly care about her at all.

But that only confirmed that she had made the right decision. She had suspected that he’d never cared about her—he had as good as told her that he had only been using her to attract the duchess he sought. Now, his feelings were confirmed. All it had taken was her telling him that she didn’t think they ought to see each other anymore, and he had been ready to give it up.

“You think I’m right?” she asked.

“Things went too far today,” he said. “You’re right that this shouldn’t have happened. I owe you an apology—and I should also keep my distance from you from now on. We’ve proven that we aren’t able to trust ourselves around one another, and the last thing I want to do is ruin your reputation or break your trust. If you think the best thing for us to do is to distance ourselves from one another, all I can say is that you’re probably quite right, and I support that decision.”

Even though it was what Edwina had wanted—what she still wanted—she hadn’t expected to get her way quite so easily.

Perhaps she should have expected it. The one thing he had always said to her, consistently, was that he didn’t want to marry her. She didn’t doubt the truth of that. This was only a ploy to help him find the duchess he dreamed of, and that meant that he didn’t really need her at all. There must be countless ways for him to connect with the ladies of the ton. He could do it without her help.

Edwina even wondered whether he was regretting the kiss. She knew he found her beautiful, of course. Maybe he had allowed her looks to get the better of him. Maybe he had only kissed her because he found her lovely to look at, and now, he was wishing it had never happened.

He might be relieved that she had asked to stop seeing him.

That was a humiliating thought—and a heartbreaking one.

And it upset her to realize that he was capable of breaking her heart at all. She wouldn’t have liked to believe that he had that power over her. But now, as he turned away from her and made his way back over to the bench where he had been seated, she knew there was no getting around it.

She hadn’t wanted it to happen—but it had.

He had caused her to feel something.

She didn’t want this thing between the two of them to be at an end.

But it had to. She couldn’t let herself get in any deeper than she was. She couldn’t go on enjoying her time with him because her feelings were starting to grow, and he’d made it clear that he didn’t return those feelings. And the kiss made it that much worse. She ached to kiss him again, and she knew that was something that would never happen—could never be allowed to happen.

Ever since her very first season, she had been toyed with by gentlemen who had attempted to manipulate her, who had seen her beauty as a game they could win. It was the reason Edwina had chosen spinsterhood all these years.

And the Duke had been more than clear that he saw her the same way—as a challenge. A way to test himself. A way to prove himself.

Well, Edwina had something to prove, too. She had to prove that she was more than a prize to be claimed by a charming gentleman. That she was too clever to be ensnared by such machinations. It was better to be alone than to be somebody’s fool.

“I’m going to go,” she told him. “I need to find Molly.”

“You shouldn’t go off on your own,” he said, rising again from the bench. “That isn’t safe.”

Being here isn’t safe. It isn’t safe for my heart.

“I’ll be all right,” she said firmly. “I’m just going to find Molly and have her walk home with me.”

“At least let me escort you until you find her. You don’t even know the way out of the maze.”

“Do you?”

“Well, no.”

“Then don’t worry about it. I’m as likely to find my way out on my own as I am with you beside me, and I don’t need your help. I don’t want to spend any more time with you, Your Grace. This is over.”

She thought he might try again to stop her. She half hoped he would.

But he didn’t. He said nothing at all, and after a moment, Edwina turned and walked away.

She was prepared for a long walk through the twisting paths of the hedge maze, and she counted on having that time to process her feelings and calm herself down. But instead, she found the exit almost at once, following the very first path she tried. She hadn’t been as deep in the maze as she had believed herself to be. It was galling to think that she could have left at any moment—although she knew that she didn’t entirely regret what had happened. Even though she knew she should regret it, she couldn’t bring herself to feel that way. She was glad he had kissed her, though she knew that the kiss would haunt her for a very long time—perhaps forever.

“Lady Edwina!” Molly came hurrying over to her, looking positively distraught. “What happened? Where did you go? I was looking all over for you, and I couldn’t find you. I didn’t know what to think!”

“It’s all right, Molly,” Edwina said quietly. “We were in the maze.”

“Are you all right?”

“I’m all right, yes. We got lost inside the maze, that’s all. I found my way out. Everything’s all right.”

“But what’s happened to the Duke?”

“We’ve decided to end our outing,” Edwina said. “We’re going home, Molly. Come with me.”

“But isn’t the Duke going to walk back with us?” Molly asked. “I would have thought he would.”

“No, I’ve asked him not to,” Edwina said.

“I don’t understand. Did the two of you have an argument?”

Edwina didn’t want to explain what had happened. She certainly wasn’t going to tell her maid about that kiss. “Everything is fine,” she assured Molly. “But we need to be heading back now.”

“Very well,” Molly said. “If that’s what you wish, Lady Edwina.”

Edwina was in a hurry to get moving, wanting to leave the gardens before the Duke emerged from the maze. It would be uncomfortable if they had to see one another again after the way their last conversation had ended. She didn’t want to have to cope with that.

Even so, the idea of not seeing him again—never seeing him again—was a painful one. It was hard to process. And even worse was the knowledge that she almost certainly would see him, at balls and parties, and yet there would be even less between them than there was now. She would see him with other ladies. Perhaps one day soon, he would find his duchess, and she would be forced to see the two of them together.

And though she had never wanted him for her own, she felt a powerful sense of sadness and loss at the realization that he would now belong to someone else instead and that there was nothing she could do about it. She would simply have to accept it.

She very much did not want to cry in front of Molly, so she held her breath and choked back her tears as the two of them made their way home. As soon as they had reached the house, before any members of her family could stop her, she excused herself and hurried up to her bedroom.

Matthew would be upset with her for leaving Lord Kentrow behind and going out with the Duke instead. And Lavinia, when she heard this news, would be horribly disappointed that Edwina had ended her dates with the Duke early.

There was no hope of making anyone in her family happy. Edwina saw that now. All she could hope to do was to reach a solution that didn’t mean misery for herself.

But right now, that didn’t feel possible either.