Chapter 18

CHAPTER 18

“ I don’t suppose you know the way out of here?” Lady Edwina asked.

Allan didn’t, and he felt bad about it. He should have been keeping an eye on the route they were taking. It was his responsibility to make sure Lady Edwina was safe and cared for while they were out together, and he had failed to live up to that responsibility.

Although, of course, it wasn’t as if they were in any real danger. They were only lost in the hedge maze of the city gardens. No harm could come to them—certainly not while he was with her.

Still, for her to be alone with him, without the presence of her chaperone, must certainly be alarming for her.

And yet, a part of him felt glad that it had happened because now, at least, she was going to have to talk to him. Maybe he could finally get her to admit that something had been off between the two of them.

He sat down on a stone bench and regarded her.

“Aren’t you going to try to help find the exit?” she demanded.

“I’m not in any hurry,” he told her.

“Did you get us lost on purpose? Is that it?”

“Don’t be silly,” he said. “Of course, I didn’t.”

“You don’t exactly seem to mind it!”

“I don’t mind it, truth be told,” he said. “I think this provides a good opportunity for the two of us to have a conversation.”

“If you think this is the way to convince me that you’re charming, I’m afraid you have the wrong idea altogether,” she snapped.

“I’m not trying to convince you of anything.”

“You’ve said from the start that you’re trying to charm me, so don’t expect me to think anything else right now.”

“That’s not what I want to talk about right now,” he said.

“Then what?”

“I want to know what’s going on between you and Lord Kentrow. I want the truth.”

Lady Edwina threw her hands up in the air. “How many times must I tell you that it’s nothing? He’s a friend of my brother’s.”

“Don’t insult my intelligence, please. You chose him over me at the garden party.”

“Because I was talking to him that means I chose him over you?”

“It does. Because you were meant to spend that day with me. You decided you didn’t want to do that. I was gracious about it and let you go, thinking you wanted to be with your brother. You were so distressed that I simply thought it might be good for you to have some family time instead of focusing on our date. I was trying to be generous and kind to you. And what did I see? You went straight to another gentleman. A gentleman who I then found in your home when I came to call upon you. You can’t seriously ask me to believe that there is nothing going on between the two of you. Anyone can see that there’s something.”

Lady Edwina sighed. “Matthew is trying to make a match,” she said. “Matthew is the one who has been putting us together over and over. It’s not me making that choice.”

He dared to feel a sense of hope. “Is that true?”

“Why would I lie? And besides, doesn’t this make more sense to you?” she asked. “You know I don’t want to marry. It’s the best known fact about me and the most consistent. What sense does it make to think that I’m suddenly allowing myself to be courted by Lord Kentrow? I can’t see how it makes any sense at all, and it confuses me to see you worrying about such a thing.”

“I don’t enjoy seeing you with him,” Allan admitted.

“But why? Why on Earth do you care what I do?” Lady Edwina demanded. “You’re doing this to find your perfect duchess, that’s all. Are you less able to do that because I spent my morning with Lord Kentrow? Does it get in your way somehow?”

“No,” Allan was forced to concede. “It doesn’t.”

“And I know you don’t truly care about me or about what I do,” Lady Edwina went on. “It’s not as if it upsets you to think of me with him. Is it just that you aren’t able to control my behavior? Is that what’s bothering you?”

“What?”

“That’s it, isn’t it? It bothers you that I’m not bending to your will.”

“Oh, don’t be silly,” Allan barked, irritated. “I’m not trying to control you. When have I ever given you any indication that I might want to do such a thing? I have no idea what you’re thinking right now.”

“If I’m wrong, then explain it to me,” Lady Edwina insisted. “I can’t understand why you care what I do, Your Grace. I’m not interested in Lord Kentrow, but even if I was—you’re entitled to five dates with me, and you’ll get them. You have been very clear about the fact that you don’t want anything else from me and that nothing else exists between the two of us, so what difference would it make to you if I did have feelings for another gentleman?”

“So, you do have feelings for him!”

“Why do you care? Answer the question.”

Allan was continually astonished by Lady Edwina’s boldness. Now, she was insisting that he answer her question, as if she had the right to order him around. She stared at him expectantly, and he could see that it hadn’t even occurred to her that he might not answer.

And, he realized, he was going to answer. She was maddening, but that didn’t mean that he didn’t want to give her the information she was after. If nothing else, perhaps it would end this argument.

But what answer could he give her? What was the answer? She was right to wonder about this, he realized. It didn’t make sense that he should be worried about what she was doing in her spare time. She was right—it wouldn’t prevent him from finding the duchess he sought.

So why did he feel a gnawing in the pit of his stomach every time he thought about her and Lord Kentrow?

“It’s disrespectful,” he said at last.

She raised her eyebrows. “Disrespectful? What’s disrespectful?”

“You were clear about the fact that you wanted me to focus on you for the duration of our dates,” he informed her. “You didn’t want to have to see me with other ladies. And I decided that was a fair thing for you to ask. Now I see you with Lord Kentrow?—”

“You didn’t make the same request of me as I did of you.”

“And you couldn’t have inferred that it was what I would want? That it would be rude and improper for you to be in the presence of another gentleman during the time while you’re supposed to be mine?”

“I’m not yours !” Lady Edwina said. “You don’t even want me to be, Your Grace. You only care about your duchess. This sounds as if you’re jealous, but I know that you can’t be because you have no interest in me.”

“Of course, I have an interest in you! Why would I have bid on these dates with you if I had no interest?”

She froze, staring at him, and Allan realized at once that he had said more than he had intended to.

“All I meant was that these dates mean something to me,” he said. “I expected that you would take them as seriously as I do.”

“I told you from the start that I wouldn’t. That I didn’t even want this.”

“You also told me you didn’t wish to marry, and now, I see you with Lord Kentrow.”

“But not because I want to marry him! Do you understand anything at all? Don’t you know what it means to be a young lady in this world and to be unmarried? Can’t you appreciate the fact that my life is all but decided for me? You know how hard I have to fight to live the way I want to. You know that I find myself on these dates with you, not because I chose them but because they were arranged for me whether I liked it or not. And you can’t imagine that I might not have chosen to spend time with Lord Kentrow? That the decision might have been made for me?”

Allan felt like a fool. He hadn’t thought about it like that, and now that she said it…of course, that was what had happened, and he should have realized it. It made only too much sense. She was right—she had always been clear that she didn’t want courtship or marriage, so if there was a gentleman in her life, of course, it had happened because someone else had made the arrangement on her behalf.

It was Matthew. Matthew had been the one to call Lord Kentrow over to her at the garden party. Matthew had been the one who must have invited him to the house today, just as Lady Edwina had said. He should have listened to her from the start.

“I apologize,” he said. “Of course, you’re right. I shouldn’t have assumed anything.”

“That’s right, you shouldn’t,” she agreed. “But what I can’t understand, what you still haven’t explained to me, is why any of this matters , Your Grace. Why do you care what I do? You say that I was disrespectful to you, but this is such a minor thing and so easily explained. And remember, you’re the one who chose me. You’re the one who chose dates with a lady you had to have known would be all but impossible to pin down. I don’t understand how any of this comes as a surprise to you, or how you can imagine that anyone else would be surprised by it either. No one is going to think you’re being disgraced by my behavior. Most people won’t have expected me to finish this time belonging to you anyway.”

“I know that.”

“So, what are you upset about? Why does it bother you?”

“I can’t believe you don’t know the answer to that question.”

“If it’s so obvious, then tell me. I can’t figure it out.”

Allan couldn’t take any more. He rose to his feet and closed the difference between them.

She went tense, staring up at him as if she didn’t know what to make of his sudden approach, and Allan noticed that her breathing had become short and sharp. She was reacting to the nearness between them, and he felt his body starting to respond as well. He took a deep breath, trying to steady himself, but it was difficult with her looking into his eyes the way she was. Already, he felt as if he had forgotten half of what he’d intended to say.

“There may not be a future for you and me,” he managed. “but we have the present. We have our time together right now, Lady Edwina. I don’t want it to be ruined.”

“Ruined how? How would it be ruined?” She searched his eyes.

“If you don’t want to see me anymore—if you want to see him instead—you should say so. That’s all. I won’t waste your time, and you won’t waste mine. Let’s be honest with one another. Do you have feelings for Lord Kentrow?”

“No,” she said. “I told you that I didn’t, and that was the truth, Your Grace. He’s a good man, but he’s nothing to me.”

Allan took a deep breath in.

“Good,” he said. “That’s what I hoped you would say.”

“What do you?—”

But he didn’t allow her to finish. The temptation had become too great.

He took her wrist and pulled her into his arms so that their bodies were flush against one another, and he kissed her.