Chapter Twenty-two

"Serena, darling, where on earth do you keep drifting off to?" Olivia was asking Serena as she stared at the doorway through which Rowan had escaped just a moment before.

The ball had barely just begun, but Rowan had already slipped out of the ballroom. She frowned, wondering why he would abruptly disappear on such an important occasion. Some of the guests had asked after Rowan once their dance concluded. She had given them polite excuses about mingling with guests on the other side of the room. Now, she wondered if he had left the party for good.

"Forgive me, Liv," she said. "I saw Rowan leave. I cannot understand why he would do such a thing. I am concerned."

Olivia's eyes widened, and her eyes followed Serena's gaze to the terrace that led out to the manor grounds.

"You should go after him," she said.

Serena furrowed her brow.

"It is bad form for one to abandon a party that she is hosting," she said, even though she cared more about Rowan than about any ball.

Olivia put her hands on Serena's shoulders.

"You are a duchess now," she said. "You can decide what is bad form in your own home and what is not." Olivia gave her a conspiratorial wink and smiled softly. "Besides, I shall be happy to tell everyone that you had a stitch slip in your skirts and that you shall return once you have repaired it."

Serena gave her friend a grateful smile.

"Thank you, Liv," she said, quickly embracing her. "I shall return as quickly as I can."

Olivia nodded, ushering her toward the terrace door. Serena sneaked out of it as quickly and quietly as she could, hoping that she didn't draw the attention of some spying gossip. Once outside, she stepped out into the shadows, heading for the entrance to the rose gardens. She walked quietly, listening for footsteps or voices, or any indication that she wasn't alone in the garden. However, nothing greeted her but the song of the crickets and an owl hooting softly in the distance.

She headed deeper into the gardens, stopping every few steps to listen in vain for a sound. It was only by chance that she found her husband, standing alone in front of a stone fountain, staring up at it as though lost and seeking its guidance. She hesitated, uncertain whether she should encroach on his solitude. But when he put his head in his hands and shook it, she took the chance and stepped out from the shadows of a hedge and into the brilliant moonlight.

She walked toward her husband, reaching to him, and placing a gentle hand on his shoulder. The intensity and anguish behind his stare took her breath, and she looked up at him, growing more concerned with each passing moment.

"Rowan, are you all right?" she asked softly.

Her husband looked down at her, and though his face was away from the shimmering moonbeam and cast in shadow, she thought for a moment that she saw tears in his eyes.

"No," he whispered. "I am afraid that I am not."

Serena's heart ached. She took another step to allow her to put her other hand on his arm.

"Please, Rowan," she said. "I know there is something you still keep from me. I know you have been through terrible things. But I beg of you to confide in me. Share the burdens you carry. I want nothing more than to help you. But I cannot if I do not know what troubles you."

Rowan looked at her, and she could all but read his thoughts. The decision he was making was apparent in his eyes, and she held her breath. She could find no more words, so she simply offered her husband the most reassuring smile she could. After the longest pause she had ever experienced, Rowan took a deep breath and nodded.

"You are correct," he said. "There are things I have thus far kept from you. But I cannot bear the weight any longer."

Serena's heart thumped, despite the heaviness of the ache for his. She smiled at him, both relieved and apprehensive. He was finally going to tell her the truth she had been begging to know.

"I am here for you, Rowan," she said. "I am willing to hear anything you have to say."

Rowan nodded, but he looked away from her. The shame on his face told her how he was feeling, which added to her worry. But she stood silently, waiting for her husband to continue.

"The day of the boating accident which claimed my father's life, we had an argument," he said. "A rather nasty one, at that. He was pressuring me to prepare to take a wife so that I could produce an heir. That was the one duty which I was not willing to fulfill right then. I was convinced that I would have plenty of time before Father passed, and I was not ready to settle down just then."

Serena nodded slowly. More of the story he had told her previously was beginning to make sense. But what did that have to do with him marrying her?

"I understand," she said. "Please, continue."

Rowan nodded, still not looking at her.

"That is why I felt so guilty after his death," he said. "I felt as though his accident were my fault, that if I had not fought with him, he would never have been on the water when that storm hit, and he might still be alive."

Serena forgot the question she wanted answered for the moment. She rubbed his back gently, giving him a kind smile.

"You must not blame yourself for his death, Rowan," she said. "There is no way to know whether he would have gone out into the water if you had not fought with him. Carrying that guilt around could end up killing you. You must learn how to forgive yourself."

Rowan nodded, sighing again.

"That is not my only source of guilt, Serena," he said.

Serena tried to get him to meet her gaze, but he refused. She relented, giving him another encouraging pat, and falling silent again.

"After my father died, I met your mother," he said. "I was a terribly broken man, haunted by my guilt over Father's death." He paused, scoffing softly. "It was in my darkest moment that I encountered your mother here, in these very gardens, I recall."

Serena gasped softly. She immediately had many more questions. But her mind screamed at her to be silent. She did not wish to spook Rowan, now that he was telling her things she had been longing to know. She swallowed, waiting for her husband to continue.

"Lady Caroline's kindness and compassion saved me the night I met her," he said. "It offered me a glimmer of hope and a chance at redemption. She said something very similar to what you just said to me, about how I must not blame myself. And I admit that I failed at taking those words to heart. But I have no doubt that I would not be standing here today, were it not for her."

Serena's mind was reeling. But now, as much out of astonishment as out of a desire to keep Rowan talking, she was speechless. She nodded, her body tensing as she prepared for whatever was coming next.

"The reason I married you is because…" he paused, and Serena though she might swoon. She found her voice, albeit a weak one, and she looked into Rowan's eyes.

"Why?" she whispered. "Tell me why you married me."

Rowan finally looked at her, and there were indeed tears in his eyes. But she could not focus on that now. She needed to hear every word he was about to say.

"I married you because I wanted to honour your mother's memory," he said. "And I felt that the best way to do that was to marry you, so that I could protect you and your future. I promised her that in return for such impossible kindness, I would do anything to take care of you. I vowed that I would marry you, so that you would never want for anything in your life, so you would always be safe."

Serena faltered on her feet as realization struck her like a speeding carriage. A torrent of emotions overwhelmed her as she listened to Rowan's confession. Shock, disbelief and betrayal flooded her as she understood that their marriage was built on a foundation of duty and obligation, not out of any hopes for a match for love, or even for reasonable, comfortable convenience.

He knew Mother, she thought, her chest heaving with the threat of releasing body racking sobs. He knew Mother, and he never spoke a word of it, despite knowing how much I missed her. It was all too much for her to handle at once. She was bound to him only because she was an obligation, and he had hidden the fact that he knew her mother. She was distressed, and suddenly, the gardens felt too suffocating and oppressive, despite the fresh air she could feel herself pulling into her lungs. She could not face him. Not right then. Perhaps, not ever again.

Struggling to process the weight of Rowan's words, Serena turned and fled from the gardens. She was desperate for solace and space to sort through her tumultuous thoughts and feelings. Her very own ball was forgotten as she stumbled her way away from her husband and the stone fountain. What had seemed so important at the beginning of the evening, hosting the perfect ball and showing the ton she deserved her new station, now seemed so arbitrary. After all, what good was it to be duchess if her duke was so secretive and untrustworthy?

"Serena," Rowan called after her.

She didn't look back to see if he was following her. Even though his voice was filled with anguish and regret, she ignored him. She did not glance back to see if he was following. Part of her hoped he would. But the other, bigger part of her prayed that he did not. She knew she could not face him. Nor did she even want to try.

"Serena," he yelled again, but this time, his voice was further away. If he had been following her, he had stopped somewhere between the fountain and the garden entrance.

She stumbled ahead, nearly tripping on the hem of her dress. Her heart was heavy with the burden of the truth and uncertainty of what could lie ahead in her relationship as she rushed away from the garden. And as she sought refuge within the walls of Dalenwood Manor, she knew she had to confront the reality of her marriage and the secrets that shaped their union. But she did not know if she could do that in the place that now felt full of lies hiding in the shadows of every corner.