Chapter Twenty-one

Rowan's heart was racing as he left the library. His mind was reeling from the kiss he shared with Serena. He hurried up the stairs to his chambers, hesitating before he summoned Adrian. He needed to clear his mind before he began readying himself for the ball. Never in his time of knowing Serena had he thought about kissing her. But it had happened, as if some outside force had drawn his lips to hers like magnets. He was sure it had been a mistake. And yet, it had sent fire through his blood.

He paced in front of the unlit hearth, staring at the ground. Serena and he had been building such a wonderful bond. And in a single moment, he might have ruined everything by giving Serena more hope than he intended. He wanted to let her get close to him. But there were still demons he needed to battle and truths he needed to reveal to her. What if his mistake had set them back in their journey to connect with one another?

Adrian slipped into his quarters so silently that it startled him. He jumped as the valet stepped into his view, earning an equally shocked look from Adrian.

"Your Grace?" Adrian asked, his eyebrows raising.

Rowan shook his head, giving the man a tight smile.

"It's nothing," he said. "You just caught me by surprise.

Adrian looked as though there was more that he wished to say. But instead, he turned to the wardrobe, to which Rowan reluctantly followed. Rowan, still aware of the importance of the ball despite his internal conflict, chose a midnight blue suit with a gold cravat, gold embroidered blue gloves and boots and gold cufflinks. Adrian helped him dress in silence, and an hour later he stood in front of the mirror, smoothing creases in his jacket.

What must Serena be thinking? He wondered, staring at his worried eyes. He had kissed her, then run from her as though for his life. In that moment, he had felt there was no other option. He could not afford to let Serena think their marriage was anything more than a tentative friendship, at least not yet. But how confused must she be?

With a sigh, he dismissed Adrian and went downstairs. He took his position at the junction where the entry hall met the grand hall of Dalenwood Manor just as the first guests arrived. Serena would join him later in time for his speech to the guests before the ball officially began, formally introducing her to everyone as the Duchess of Dalenwood. For the time being, it was him and his mother, who joined him seconds later, who would welcome each party.

He gave the polite greetings and the instructions for the guests to help themselves to the drinks available on trays being offered by the maids, just as was expected. But his thoughts kept returning to his kiss with Serena. He could set aside many emotions, as he had done it for many years. But he could not let go of everything he felt when his lips met those of his wife. He remembered every detail about her body pressed against his and the depth of emotion he saw in her eyes. What was she doing to him?

As the last of the guests arrived, he took his position at the foot of the stairs. He glanced up just in time to see Serena descending with a warm smile on her face. She looked ravishing in a silver-trimmed gold silk evening gown, her blond ringlets held atop her head by a gold tiara that sparkled with diamonds. Even from where he stood, he could smell roses on her skin, and his heart fluttered. He dipped his head to her, holding out his hand as she reached the bottom of the stairs.

She joined him at his side, taking his arm as they faced the guests once more. He smiled politely to them, gesturing to Serena, who dipped into a grand curtsey in front of everyone.

"Thank you all for coming," he said, reciting his speech perfectly. "We would like to officially welcome you to Dalenwood Manor for this special occasion. I would also like to formally introduce all of you to my wife, the new Duchess of Dalenwood."

There was a brief pause for applause and murmurs as Serena smiled and nodded to the guests.

"Thank you all for joining us this evening," she said. "The ball shall begin momentarily. Feel free to follow us to the ballroom and enjoy the refreshments and entertainment at your leisure."

Rowan smiled at his wife's flawless execution of her speech. He knew that his mother had been coaching her in her duties and the etiquette of a duchess when she hosts events. But it was as if Serena had been born for the role, and his heart filled with pride and awe.

He and Serena led the guests to the ballroom, where the orchestra was warming up to play the first song. The guests obediently filled the room, facing the dance floor, which Rowan and Serena would open with their first public dance as duke and duchess. As the music began, Rowan led his wife to the center of the dance floor, taking the lead as their dance started.

Their movements were perfectly synchronized as they twirled across the floor. Their smiles were as polite as was required by the occasion, but the energy between them was anything but. It was palpable and charged as if by lightning with unspoken feelings they harbored. As he looked into her eyes, his heart swelled with affection for his wife, holding her comfortably in his arms as if that's where she had always belonged. But the nagging guilt of his secret vow threatened to overshadow his joy. He knew that he had to find a way to tell her the truth, and to do so before it was too late to ask her for forgiveness for the secrecy. However, the fear of rejection, of losing Serena, was too much for him to bear. He could not tell her the truth. Not yet. Not until he could be sure that she would not abandon him.

When the dance ended, he led Serena off the dance floor and released her to mingle with the guests who wished to be the first to address her as duchess. There were always the few who thought to curry favor in such a manner, and Rowan was too happy to excuse himself and slip away. He ducked between guests and headed straight for the refreshment tables, which were laden with cakes, cookies, meat and cheese trays and bowls of fresh fruit and punch. On the far end, there was an array of champagne and wine, which was what he desperately sought.

He grabbed two glasses of red wine, drinking them rapidly and then going for a third. In his relative solitude, his thoughts returned once more to his kiss with Serena. No matter how much he was coming to care for her, that was something he never should have done. And yet deep down, he knew that he did not regret it. In fact, part of him hoped that it could happen again. Perhaps, even that evening. Even though he knew it would be wrong, at least until he could tell Serena the truth, he wanted nothing more than to taste her lips once again.

He lost himself in his thoughts, losing track of time and all the world around him. Until, that was, a familiar name drifted to his ears, bringing him crashing back down to reality.

"Oh, Lady Caroline was truly the kindest woman I have ever met," said an unfamiliar female voice.

Rowan's head snapped up, and it was all he could do to keep himself looking forward as his ears tuned into the conversation.

"Serena has grown into such a lovely young lady, even though her mother's death must have been horrific for her," said a second feminine voice.

"It was such a terrible tragedy," said a male voice, speaking as hushed as the women.

"Yes," said the first woman. "It was so unexpected and sudden. Caroline certainly left many broken hearts. She was such a wonderful lady."

The mention of Lady Caroline's name sent a jolt of pain through Rowan's heart. It was a stark reminder of the secret he still harbored and the promise he made to protect Serena at all costs. The weight of his vow felt heavier than ever, and the guilt of keeping it all from Serena, much of which he had managed to suppress in lieu of participating wholeheartedly in the ball, once more threatened to consume him.

Unable to bear the burden any longer, Rowan hurried around the ballroom, excusing himself to any guests he encountered along the way. When he reached the terrace door he slipped through it, hoping that his exit, if witnessed by any of the guests, didn't draw any unwanted attention. He was desperate for a moment of solitude and refuge from the noise and expectations of the evening before his secret drove him mad in front of half the ton.

He stepped out onto the grounds, heading straight for the peaceful tranquility of the gardens. He wandered forward, having memorized the layout of the garden in sunlight, moonlight, rain, snow and inebriated reveries. He could have found his way through with his eyes closed, going by scent alone. It did not take him long to find himself in front of one of his favorite decorations on the property: a stone water fountain that he had helped his father design. It had five tiers, each of which was shaped like various sized upside-down umbrellas, where water trickled from every semicircle in the stone.

Father, what am I doing? He asked silently, addressing the late duke for the first time in all his years of regret and remorse. What have I done? How did I make such a mess of things?

As he stood alone in the silver moonlight, he grappled with the conflicting emotions that roiled within him. He knew that he could not keep the truth from Serena. Indeed, he was sure he could not keep it from her for much longer. But the thought of destroying the fragile trust they had built filled him with dread. The fear of losing her, of seeing the love and warmth in her eyes turn to betrayal and disgust, was almost paralyzing.

Lost in his tormenting thoughts, he almost did not hear the soft rustle of skirts behind him. He turned, expecting to see a bush moving with a skittering small animal hunting for food. But instead, he saw Serena, standing directly under a stream of glimmering light. Her eyes were filled with concern and a hint of uncertainty. Rowan's heart stopped. He had not expected her to find him until he went back inside. But now that she had, he was suddenly glad.

The sight of her was breathtaking, her beauty illuminated in a way he had never seen under the gentle glow of the moon. His heart ached with the knowledge that he might be on the verge of losing her forever. However, he knew that he could not continue to live with so many secrets and lies. He stared at her, silently pleading with her to forgive him for things she did not even yet know.

As she reached for him, her hand gently touched his arm. He took a deep breath, preparing to finally reveal the whole truth about the things that had haunted him for so long. He knew that the next few moments would determine the course of their relationship and the future they may or may not share together.