Chapter 23

Chapter Twenty-Three

“ W ell… that was something.” Hannah laughed the moment they were alone.

They had just walked back into the house, the front door closing behind them.

“That is one word for it,” Frederick agreed, somewhat awkwardly, for he had spent the last hour or so thinking about what he needed to do, realizing now more than ever how unpleasant it was likely going to be.

“Awkward? Unexpected? Not as bad in the end as it could have been?” Hannah walked to the middle of the foyer and spun about, smiling coyly. “Or all of the above?”

Frederick remained by the door, several feet away from her, too nervous to approach her because he feared what might happen if he came too close.

It had been two days now since they had last made love, and with the buoyant mood Hannah was in, the way she was looking at him, he could see exactly what was on her mind.

“Your aunt is a menace,” he said simply. “And as I said before, it was foolish to invite her over for dinner.”

Hannah grimaced. “You were right, I admit. But…” Her grimace turned into a smile, and her eyes twinkled. “I prefer to see the positive.”

“And what positive might that be?”

“She won’t do it again,” she stated. “What is more, now she knows the truth of the matter—about us, I mean. Why, I would not be surprised if in the next day or two, she sends us an apology letter.”

“I do not want her apology.”

“Nonetheless, my aunt is no longer a problem. Also…” She smiled to herself. “I admit, I am somewhat glad that my cousin is not angry with me. Can you believe what she did?” She chuckled. “Honestly, the fact that she conspired that way…” A shake of the head.

“It was surprising.”

Her eyes twinkled again. “And most welcome. No doubt she has spent the last two weeks fretting, believing her mother’s lies, thinking that she had ruined my life. When nothing could be further from the truth.”

Hannah, seeing Frederick still standing by the door, sauntered toward him, the look in her eyes sensual.

Frederick stayed where he was, even wishing that he might have been able to take a few steps back. Alone with his wife finally, the look she fixed him with, knowing that Amelia was in bed sound asleep, he felt that familiar pull deep in his belly. Eyes flicking over her gorgeous body, thoughts drifting to what he would do with it, he very nearly decided to leave their conversation for tomorrow… to have one final night of pleasure before everything would surely go to hell.

“Now…” She could read his mind, licking her lips as she came closer. “I should warn you, Frederick, I have had a few drinks. So my inhibitions are lowered. Try not to take advantage, if you can resist.” A soft giggle as she swept into him.

She reached for his hands and took them. She stepped closer, pressing her body against his. Her breath was warm on his neck as she leaned in, purring gently, her fingers stroking his hands and his body already shaking at just the thought of the pleasure he could coax from her body at any moment.

And Frederick, again, nearly gave in. Pulse rising. Temptation surging. Oh, how he wanted to…

“We need to talk,” he somehow managed, pulling his hands free and stepping around her. “Now.”

“Oh…” She blinked, looking hurt. “What… what do we need to talk about?”

He looked at her. “I think you know.”

She grimaced. “The dinner party. You… you know what I was doing, I take it?”

“Clever,” he said, forcing himself not to smile at the sheer cheek of it. “Flaunting your happy family in front of me while forcing me to be congenial for the sake of reputation.”

She tried for an innocent smile. “Is that what I was doing?”

“Hannah,” he warned.

Her face dropped. “Well, all right, if you must know—even though you have already guessed it. Yes, I was trying to force your hand. Happy?”

“Should I be?”

“Admit it,” she said. “You had fun tonight. Putting my aunt aside, everything else—you saw how happy my sisters are. And their husbands. You saw the joy that overtook them when they spoke about their children.”

“I am not the Duke of Hayward or the Duke of Walford.”

“I never said you were.”

“Their circumstances are?—”

“Not so different,” she pointed out. “When my sisters married them, neither of them wished it. Nor did their husbands, for that matter. But they took a chance, Frederick. They took that chance, and I know they don’t regret it for a moment!”

“That may be so, but as I said, I am not them.” He was looking right at her, forcing himself because she needed to see that he was not joking with her. This was as serious a moment as he could have imagined. “And while I understand the point you are trying to make…” He clicked his tongue. “I thought I made myself perfectly clear.”

Her brow furrowed. “I know you did, but… but I thought that?—”

“You did not think,” he cut her off. “You did not listen, Hannah. When you asked me two nights ago why I did not wish to have children, I told you the reason. I…” He bit his lip as those memories dredged up old pain. “What I told you was not a story I expected you to dismiss or look past as if it did not matter.”

“That is not what I am doing!” she cried.

“It is!” he insisted. “You have no idea how hard my marriage to my first wife was. How… how much it hurt, the way it ended. The pain it has caused me every day since, knowing that I as good as killed her.”

“But that’s not true!”

He laughed bitterly. “Semantics. If she had loved me, even a little…” He was shaking, his fists clenched, his breathing ragged. “If she had cared enough, I know she would not have died. She let herself pass because of who I was.”

“It was not your?—”

“It was!” he shouted over her, anger taking over. “She hated me. Every day that we were wed was agony for her, such was her loathing. And I knew it, too,” he snarled, more to himself than Hannah. “And I did not care because I was so desperate for a child! I was happy for her to live in misery because of what I thought I wanted.”

“But we are different.” Hannah swept toward him, reaching for his hands, only for him to step away. She stumbled, looking hurt by the gesture. “I do not hate you, Frederick. And I know you do not hate me.” Her chin began to wobble. “Do you? Do you hate me?”

“Of course not!”

“Then what?”

Frederick looked away, for the shame he felt was too great. “I have given you my reasons, and that should be enough.”

“Well, it is not enough! Quite frankly, the only reason I can think of that you are being so… so stubborn is that you are scared. Which is hardly a reason to act this way.”

“Of course, I am scared!” he cried. “I am terrified! I do not deny that. Perhaps one day, I will not be. Perhaps one day, things will change, but right now…” A deep breath as he felt the world spinning. “Right now, I cannot offer you what you want.”

“I…” She hesitated, almost didn’t say it. “I can wait.”

He laughed. “I saw you tonight, Hannah. I saw the way you looked when your sisters spoke of their children. I saw that glimmer in your eyes, that desire to start a family of your own. Do not deny it.”

“I…” Her face was stricken with pain, and oh how he wanted nothing more than to go to her. “I can wait,” she said again softly.

“And if I never change my mind? What, then?”

She winced. “I do not believe that will happen. I know that… that I can change your mind.”

“But that is the point. The problem. I do not want my mind changed. It is made up! It has always been. And I do not wish to be in a marriage with someone who is trying to trick me or cajole me or… or force me to do something they know I do not want.”

Hannah seemed to only just now understand what he was saying. Ironic, as Frederick was only just now starting to understand what he was saying.

When he had pictured this conversation, he had not known where it might go. He had not wanted to think about it, for the fear might have made him postpone it or not have it at all.

But now, in the face of their arguing, their refusal to compromise, he knew exactly what was going to happen. The only thing that could happen, as much as it killed him to consider it.

“What are you saying?” she asked, her voice soft, cracking.

“I think you know…” He looked down, unable to meet her pain-filled gaze.

“No.” She went to him, forcing him to take her hands. They were trembling, sweaty, so frail that he felt they might break if he held them too tight. “You do not mean that. I know you do not.”

“This marriage…” Frederick’s chin was wobbling too. His heart was pounding, his stomach was churning. “It was meant to be a marriage of convenience only.”

“No.”

“But I see now that even that is impossible. Hannah…” He raised his head and looked into her eyes. They were glistening with tears, red and raw. “When we first got married, I told you I would not so much as touch you. Back then, it seemed like a decent compromise, a means of safety that I so sorely needed.”

“No…”

“I see now that it was always fraught with danger. A fool’s errand because to be around you and not be able to touch you…” He freed a hand and stroked the side of her face. It was soft and tender, and oh how he wished to cup it in his hand. “I do not have that strength.”

“Don’t say it.” She held his hand to her face and looked into his eyes. “I can take it back. We can go back to how it was.”

“You deserve better.”

“You are what I deserve.”

“You deserve to be happy.”

“I am happy!”

“Tell me.” He held her face with one hand, staring into her eyes so he could see the truth. His body shook as it threatened to collapse. “Can you tell me honestly that you do not want children? That you will be happy to be with me forever knowing that you will never have a child of your own? Can you tell me that? Can you make that promise?”

“I…”

“Because if you can, then I take everything back. But if you cannot, then you can never truly be happy. And, Hannah….” His heart broke as he spoke the words. “I love you too much to hurt you that way.”

The despair on her face told him her answer before she spoke a word. The look in her eyes. The pain he could feel radiating from her. She wanted to lie to him, he could see. She wanted to tell him what he needed to hear, for she loved him too. But deep down, he could see the truth of it, and she seemed to understand that as much as anything.

Slowly, she lowered her hand and let go of his other. Slowly, she stepped back and dropped her head. And slowly, she spoke the words that hurt her just as much as they hurt him.

“I cannot make that promise.”

Frederick felt his knees buckle, but he stood tall. “I am sorry, Hannah, but?—”

“Don’t say it. Please!”

“This marriage… it has gone as far as it can.”

“No.”

“And I think it would be for the best, for both of us, if… if…” A lump in his throat, unable to swallow past it. “If you move back to your parents’ home until we work out what can be done.”

“Frederick…” Her knees gave out, and she fell to the floor.

Frederick almost moved to stop her fall but forced himself not to. Looking at her there on the floor, her body shaking, her tears falling, her world collapsing, he wondered again if this was the right move. For if it was, why did it hurt so damn much?

“I love you, Frederick,” she said, weeping openly now. “I love you.”

“I love you too.” He forced himself to turn around and walk away. “That’s why I have to do this.”

And there he left her, weeping openly on the floor. The pain it caused him to hear those cries of anguish, to know the woman he loved was in a state of emotional agony… The only way he was able to ignore her and continue to walk away was by telling himself that by doing so, he was saving her from future suffering.

Even if she agreed now to never have children, he knew that in the future, that would change. Again, he would deny her, again they would fight, and that was a fight that might well and truly break her, for there would be no going back. At least this way, she still had a chance to find someone else, to raise a family of her own, to fall in love.

Not with Frederick, sadly. But he was used to not being loved. What was more, he didn’t think that he deserved it. Not anymore.