Chapter 16

Audrey awoke cocooned by her warm coverlet, noticing the rays of spring sunshine creating patterns on the wall. She stretched out her fingers, wiggling them to make patterns on the wall, and feeling the warmth of the sun.

It should be a perfect day, but with her mind filled with brain fog she struggled to think clearly. Since those harsh words with the duke she had not slept. For two days now, she had caught a glimpse of him in the distance, heading into the park or turning a corner in the great hall. There had been no words, no salve for the wound. He had no time for Audrey, the governess in disguise.

Last night she had retired early, hoping to be lost in the arms of a dreamless sleep. Instead nightmare after nightmare had her tossing and turning for hour after hour.

At one point she woke trembling, convinced that Sasha was in danger. There was a threat to Clairville Hall. Someone watched them from afar. In her nightmare she sensed footsteps in the stone passageways, an evil presence waiting in the shadows.

She remembered sitting up in bed, trembling and startled, reaching for her robe, and finding her way along the dim, dark landing, which linked her room to the nursery where Sasha slept under Nurse's watchful eye.

She heard Nurse snoring and smiled, somehow that broke the tension, as she cautiously opened the door to Sasha's room. The child slept peacefully. No illness. No intruders. All was well. Breathing a sigh of relief, she crept back to her room, glad that Nurse hadn't been disturbed. It would have been difficult to explain the sudden compulsion to see Sasha and check on her wellbeing.

Knowing that Sasha slept soundly in the Nursery calmed Audrey's racing pulse, and helped her to finally fall asleep.

When she woke, later than usual, she was trembling at the memory of another nightmare. A mirrored corridor, with images of Ethan in each mirror, sneering at her as she tried to find the way out. In the distance she caught a glimpse of the duke, but try as she might, she never closed the distance between them.

She watched herself collapse in a heap, sobbing in despair and when she looked up the figure standing over her was the duke. She recognized his frock coat, and muscular stature. She reached her hand towards him, but when he turned it was the face of Ethan, laughing, clearly insane.

Darkness enclosed her, and her was head spinning as she tried to grab something to steady herself, before she lost consciousness and plunged into the void.

Now, in the morning sunshine Audrey felt calm. Since leaving Rowton Castle her life had resembled a boat tossed on stormy seas, and she did not know where she would find safe harbor. It seemed that would not be here. She drew in her breath, pushing away thoughts of the duke.

The decision was made, she would leave at the end of June. She needed to begin to make plans for another position as companion or governess, but this morning she would bathe in the early morning sunshine.

A rattling noise at the door startled Audrey back from her daydreams.

"Good Morning, miss," said Rosie, smiling. "It's a glorious spring day. There's been a light frost, but it's starting to melt away already."

Audrey reached for her robe and moved to the window, throwing up the sash window and breathing in the sharp, crisp air. "You're right Rosie. It's a spectacular day." She turned to smile at Rosie, "I think I'll go for an early walk, down to the lake."

"It's the morning for it, miss. Enjoy your walk. Miss Sasha is excited about playing the spinet again later. That little girl has true musical talent. It's a shame they can't find her family. I think her mother must have been musical."

"I believe you may be right Rosie. Sasha is incredibly talented. It's unusual for one so young."

"I nearly forgot, miss, Nurse says she'll keep Sasha till after nuncheon today, so you can have some time for yourself. She thought you looked a little peaky and that it isn't long since you were ill."

"In that case I might walk all the way around the lake," said Audrey, making a mental route for her walk, which would take in the woods and the lake.

As she made through the great hall to the boot room to find her woolen cloak she noticed a flurry of activity. Boxes and trunks carried out to carriages waiting at the front entrance. She almost bumped into Mrs. Driscoll, carrying a wicker basket in her arms.

"Lettie, I'm sorry. We're in such a state of upheaval. The last guests leave today." She stopped and looked around her, speaking in a whisper. "I must say I've got quite used to Lady Caroline being in residence at Clairville. If His Grace decides to take her as his bride, then I think we'll get on very well. She has high standards, but isn't too demanding."

Audrey felt a pang of sadness at the idea of Lady Caroline, installed as Duchess of Clairville. Imagining her standing on the grand staircase with the duke, greeting guests arriving for a ball.

"She's a very elegant lady. I'm sure she will make a perfect duchess," was all Audrey could think of to say, her mind filled with emotional turmoil.

"I must go. It's refreshments for their journey home. Her ladyship asked that cook prepare a picnic for the journey. I'll catch up with you later. You'll join me to take tea this afternoon?"

"Of course. I'll look forward to that."

"I'm taking this afternoon as quiet time. Tomorrow the preparations begin for the ball."

"A ball?" queried Audrey, "Here?"

"Indeed. We are to host a ball in honor of Miss Elspeth's first season approaching. Her ladyship has done this for all her daughters. This time it's a Celestial Ball, with the signs of the Zodiac as the theme. It's a lot of work and preparation, but Miss Elspeth is such a lovely girl, and she'll appreciate all the effort we put into it."

Audrey thought of the balls she had attended as Lady Audrey. Those days were gone, but she missed the quadrille and the new waltz. She needed to get out into the fresh air and refresh her thinking. Lack of sleep had made her brain sluggish and slow, and she hurried to the boot room, and the freedom of the garden and park. Nurse Walters was right, she had not fully recovered from the scarlet fever.

As she took the path towards the lake, she felt her head was clearing, and her emotional reaction, to the idea of the duke taking Lady Caroline as his new duchess, had calmed.

As she walked, she felt relief knowing her thoughts were now clearer. She needed to control the emotional responses to the thought of the duke considering Lady Caroline as his new duchess. Her relationship with His Grace was purely professional and her position in this household was as governess.

I need to accept that, she thought, this misery I'm feeling is pointless.

Passing through the remains of the May event showground there was little left of the festivities. Audrey closed her eyes, remembering little Sasha dancing with her crown of flowers. A simple country celebration of spring, which had brought happiness to those attending.

All alone in the center stood the maypole. She walked towards it, imagining the rhythmic music, and for the first time noticed the intricate carving on the wooden pole. The workmanship of the artisans was phenomenal, with carved flowers and animals stretching upwards to the sky. She placed her hand on it, feeling the warmth of the wood and tracing the pattern of a daisy, with its perfect circle of petals.

She took a ribbon and closed her eyes, twirling the strand of silk around her fingers. Hearing the music in her mind her feet found the steps, and she began to dance, winding the ribbon as she slowly moved around the maypole.

This salute to the morning May sunshine refreshed her as she completed her first circle, and she reached to change to a different colored ribbon. All her life at Rowton Castle she had enjoyed the May dancing, the changing of the seasons, and the promise of summer and a bountiful harvest.

She regretted having avoided the May event here, staying in her room, worried her identity would be discovered. As she skipped and twirled around the pole, she knew it no longer mattered. She had nothing to be ashamed of and she needed to be proud of who she was, a lady of the ton.

For a moment, she felt a pang of sadness, remembering again, Lady Caroline, proud and elegant as the duke's May Queen. This time, recognizing her jealousy she pushed it away. There was no need for jealousy and her path was set in a different direction. Tomorrow she would contact Franny, and ask her if she could take up her offer to stay, while she made plans for her future. Nothing would make her return to the control and fear at Rowton Castle.

Almost in a trance, Audrey continued to weave her way around the maypole and then, sensing someone had joined her, she opened her eyes, momentarily dazzled by the glare of the rising sun. A figure walked towards her, emerging from the hazy sunlight, reaching for a ribbon, and joining in the simple steps of the dance.

His eyes met hers, eyebrows raised in a quizzical, questioning expression. Audrey knew that she could rest in the gaze of those eyes forever. As they moved towards each other their ribbons met and knotted high above in a woven, connected pattern.

The duke nodded at Audrey and offered his arm, gesturing towards the lake, where Tess ran ahead, towards the woodland path. With a brief curtsey, she took his arm and they walked together.

"The guests have left," she began, realizing, as she spoke, that she had reverted back to being Lady Audrey, making conversation with a gentleman of her acquaintance. She did not wish to return to the acrimony of their last conversation.

"Every guest will be gone within the hour," he replied, pausing to throw a stick for Tess, who chased off into the distance again. "It will always be busy here, my mother is the perfect hostess and enjoys entertaining, but for my part I am glad of a few days peace and quiet."

"Lady Caroline Ridlington is a fine lady," added Audrey. "Will she return soon?"

"Certainly for the Zodiac Ball. We expect the Ridlingtons to return in a fortnight as house guests for Elspeth's ball."

"Mrs. Driscoll told me about the ball. It's a wonderful theme, the stars, the sun and the planets and the signs of the Zodiac. I must confess that's new to me, I need to find out more about that ancient system of birthdates."

"Ah, I'm sure my mother and Elspeth will tell you everything you need to know. They tell me I am Pisces, which explains my love of swimming and lakes. And here we are, approaching the lake, and what a sight with the morning sum glistening on its surface."

Audrey drew a breath. The surface of the lake looked as though it was covered with glittering silver spangles, as the sun's rays reflected on the water. "It's wonderful," she agreed, "quite a celestial sight." She smiled up at him.

Their eyes met and the world, in that moment felt right. She was where she wanted to be, and the warmth from the feel of his arm, above hers, grew stronger as they stopped walking to take in the view of the lake.

His next words broke into her thoughts, like a rusty, jagged blade. "Are you still planning to leave?" Then, almost inaudibly, "I wish you would stay."

Had she heard the words correctly? He wished she would stay? Her heart flipped in a tiny somersault, but she knew now was the time to be honest.

"At the end of June. Yes, Your Grace, my plans are unchanged." It was difficult to find the words to continue. "A lot has happened to me in the last weeks. I never expected to leave my childhood home of Rowton Castle. I expected to be in London, meeting people, having a season in society," she paused, her voice emotional. "My brother took that away from me. He took control of the household and my future. I have no idea if my inheritance still exists or not. My friend Mrs. Weston is convinced that it remains intact, and I need to find that out with urgency."

"You may still have an inheritance?" he asked gently.

"It is possible. Until Ethan told me I had to marry the Duke of Batton there were no indications of financial issues at the castle. It's possible he lost money gambling, but my settlement, my money, would be separate and Ethan should be unable to touch it.

"I'm happy as a governess. I love being with Sasha. Yet I need space and time to consider who I am. I feel like I've been tossing and turning on a stormy ocean and I need to find a safe harbor to think. I'll go to my friend and stay with her while I find my feet."

The duke said nothing, listening intently.

"I need to make some decisions, make my own decisions about life," and, with momentary bitterness, Audrey continued, "without being controlled by a man." Ethan had caused her distress and total upheaval in her life. The idea of marrying an older man, approaching sixty, whom she had only met once had been an anathema, a totally unacceptable course in life.

She felt a change, felt his arm stiffen at her words. He let go of her arm and took a step away. "My apologies Madam. I merely enquired if you still planned to leave. Indeed, I expressed my hope that you had changed your mind and decided to stay."

In confusion, Audrey stared at him speechless, unsure what had happened. It must have been something she said? His words continued, while she stood, rooted to the spot.

"I struggle to understand how you believe that I would want to exert any control over you, not after the time we spent together in London. We went through some dark days together and I felt that had brought a certain trust. You must know you would be safe here at Clairville, with my family, and with my support."

"But …" Audrey was struggling to find her voice.

"More than anything, I do not understand how you can abandon Sasha this way. That little girl depends on us. You know she does."

Tears streaming down her face, Audrey finally found words to defend herself. "I cannot believe you can say such things. I have cared for Sasha since the night I saw her racing after her mother into the path of your carriage. I do not need to defend myself to you. All I need is time to recover, and rebuild my life, after my brother destroyed it. I have no intention of losing contact with Sasha. However, I am Lady Audrey Rowe, and I cannot stay disguised as Miss Lettie Banks forever. Even you must be able to see that, Your Grace."

"All I can see is someone who twists and misinterprets the truth, and is living a lie."

The words stung and Audrey flinched at their impact. Her breath caught in her throat, and she felt as though the world was spinning around her.

"Very well," she managed to say, with quiet dignity, despite the tumult of emotions. "I understand what you are saying. I promise to leave as soon as you locate a new governess. I'll speak to your mother about it tomorrow."

And with those words she turned on her heel and walked away from the duke. She found herself walking in the direction of the wood, and continued until she was in a tiny clearing, surrounded by a canopy of trees. Audrey collapsed onto the moss, heaving sobs wracking through her body. How could he be so cruel? How could he believe that of her character?

And she loved him. She recognized in the clearing in that ancient wood that she loved him, and there was no hope that he would ever return her love. As the sun shone through the leaves of the trees she shivered despite its warmth.

She was Lady Audrey Rowe, and she would keep her dignity, and continue in her role as governess, until a replacement was found. Sasha had a new family and sisters and a grandmother in The dowager duchess, who doted on her. She would grow and thrive in a happy place and that was all that mattered to Audrey as she made her way back to the house.