Chapter 35

CHAPTER 35

“ L avinia, the viscount is here,” Edwina said quietly.

Lavinia looked up. She had been sitting at the piano in the conservatory for hours, ever since the message had arrived at breakfast letting them know that Lord Hennington would be coming today. Today would be the day of his proposal. Today would be the day she would accept it.

She had already made this decision. It shouldn’t matter. But it did, somehow. It mattered because after today, there would truly be no going back. She would be his, and there would be no more excuse for daydreams or fantasies about a life with the duke. There would be no more point in wondering what such a life might have been like.

The truth was that she should have stopped thinking about that a long time ago, but she hadn’t been able to get it out of her head. It lingered there, like a tune that wouldn’t go away.

Edwina came over and sat down beside her. “Are you ready to see the viscount?” she asked.

“I suppose I’ve got to be,” Lavinia said. “Today is the day.”

“It won’t be so bad,” Edwina said gently. “Just think—you’re going to be married.”

“I know,” Lavinia murmured. It was all she could think about.

“He’s a good person,” Edwina said. “At least there’s that.”

“You’re right. I know that I could have it much worse than I do. I should be grateful.”

“It’s all right,” Edwina amended quickly. “I don’t mean to say that you ought to feel anything other than what you feel, Lavinia. But…I hope you can find a way to be happy. You know I want that for you.”

“I know you do.” Lavinia rose to her feet. She had a responsibility to her sister. She couldn’t allow Edwina to feel any of the dread she was feeling today. If she did, Edwina might develop a dread of her own marriage, and Lavinia didn’t want that. She wanted Edwina to be able to look forward to the day she would receive a proposal of her own. It wouldn’t be too far away now.

“Let’s go,” she said. “I don’t want to keep Lord Hennington waiting. He doesn’t deserve that.”

“I’ll enjoy having him as a brother,” Edwina said. “I like Lord Hennington.”

“Yes,” Lavinia agreed. “I imagine he’ll make a good brother.” The trouble was that she couldn’t imagine feeling anything beyond brotherly affection for him. If he were to somehow become her brother, she knew she would be perfectly happy about it. That would be a lovely turn of events. But, of course, that wasn’t going to happen.

And I’m never going to fall in love. Not with him. Not while my heart belongs so firmly to someone else .

Not for the first time, she wondered whether the final kiss she had shared with the duke might have been a mistake. She’d meant to get him out of her head, but that clearly hadn’t happened. If anything, he was more on her mind than ever before.

The two ladies made their way down to the sitting room. Lord Hennington had already been served a cup of tea, but he jumped to his feet when he saw Lavinia. After a moment, Lavinia’s father rose as well. Lavinia supposed he felt foolish being the only one sitting down.

“Lady Lavinia,” Lord Hennington said warmly. “It’s so wonderful to see you again.”

“It’s very nice to see you too, Lord Hennington.” It would have been true under different circumstances. If only they were just going to spend a bit of time together without all this worry about proposals and engagements and weddings—if only they really could have just been friends. That would have made her happy.

“I trust you’re well?” he asked.

“Very well.” That wasn’t true at all, and lying to him made her feel unpleasant and nauseous. She didn’t want to do it, and yet it was going to have to continue if today’s events were to happen as planned.

For that matter, she might have to spend the rest of her life lying to him. Suddenly, that felt like a daunting prospect. How could she spend a lifetime deceiving this kind gentleman?

Matthew sat across from her—he hadn’t stood up when she had come into the room. He watched her, his eyes slightly narrowed. She wondered what he saw, and what he was thinking. Was he remembering that kiss? Was he thinking about it now? What did he think of her, watching her about to accept a proposal from a gentleman other than the one he had seen her kissing?

What could she possibly think of herself?

They all sat back down. Lord Hennington was smiling. “I’ve discussed all the details with your father, and he’s agreed to everything,” he told Lavinia. “I told him that I didn’t want to finalize our agreement until you and I had spoken, though—as we said at Harbeck, I want you to agree to this marriage. I know everything has happened very quickly, but I’m quite taken with you, Lady Lavinia, and I would love to make you my wife.”

He watched her expectantly.

“Perhaps we shouldn’t decide this today,” Matthew cut in.

Everyone turned to look at him. “What are you talking about?” Lord Feverton demanded. “Lord Hennington has come all this way. Of course we’re going to make our decision today. Lavinia is ready, aren’t you, Lavinia?”

“I think it would be good if we gave her a little more time to think about what she really wants,” Matthew insisted. “After all, this might be one of the biggest decisions of her life.”

“Matthew,” their father said, “Lord Hennington is asking Lavinia for her opinion as a courtesy. It’s a kindness, and we are grateful. But this decision has already been made. I’m sure you realize that. I’m not going to permit my daughter to turn down a perfectly good proposal, not when I’ve waited this long for her to find herself a match. This is a good arrangement. She’s not going to do any better than this.”

“I’m not saying she should try to find someone better,” Matthew argued. “I’m just saying…we have Lord Hennington’s proposal. Perhaps we could take a day and discuss it as a family before answering. That would be all right, wouldn’t it, Lord Hennington?”

Lord Hennington looked only mildly perturbed at the suggestion. “If you need some time, I have no objection,” he said. “I can return tomorrow for your answer, Lady Lavinia.”

“There’s no need for this,” her father insisted. “The answer is yes. Lavinia, tell him. Tell him now.”

Lavinia drew a breath.

She didn’t want to lie to Lord Hennington.

She could marry him. She knew she could. But she didn’t want that marriage to be built on a lie.

“The answer is yes,” she said to Lord Hennington. “Yes, I’ll marry you. But before I do…there’s something you need to know.”

“What are you doing?” her father hissed.

Lavinia ignored him.

“I’m flattered by your declaration of love for me,” she said. “It means a great deal. And I’m very fond of you, Lord Hennington. I’ve enjoyed all the time we’ve spent together, and I feel sure that if we marry, there will be more good times ahead. But I have to be honest with you, because I would want to know the truth about a person I was going to marry. I would want you to tell me this truth.” She steeled herself. “I can’t return your feelings.”

“Lavinia!” her father barked.

Lord Hennington’s face fell.

“I’m sorry,” Lavinia said. “I wish I could tell you something different. And I’ve tried. I’ve tried to force myself to feel the sort of love you describe. But I don’t feel it. I don’t think I ever will. The thing you need to know, Lord Hennington, is that if you marry me, it will only ever be a marriage of convenience. It will not be a marriage of love. You deserve to know that before you marry me.”

Lord Hennington let out a heavy sigh.

“My daughter doesn’t know what she’s saying,” Lord Feverton said quickly. “She’s young, Lord Hennington. She’s very young, and she’s never experienced the kind of feelings she’s claiming not to feel. She doesn’t know what she feels.”

“No,” Lord Hennington said. “If there’s one thing I’ve come to believe about Lady Lavinia, it’s that she does know how she feels about things. That’s part of the reason I admire her so greatly. It’s part of the reason I wanted to marry her.” He turned his attention to Lavinia, his expression gentle. “Are you certain of your feelings, Lady Lavinia?”

“I am,” Lavinia whispered. “I’m so sorry.”

“There’s no need to apologize,” he said. “I won’t deny that it breaks my heart, but it’s courageous—and generous—of you to admit the truth. You were right to think that I would want to know it. I do want a marriage based on love. I dreamed that I would find that with you, but if you truly cannot return my feelings for you then it’s best that we go our separate ways.”

“I meant what I said,” Lavinia told him. “I would marry you if you wanted me to. I just didn’t want to do it dishonestly.”

“Thank you.” Lord Hennington took her hand. “That’s unbelievably kind. So many people would have tried to manipulate the situation to get what they wanted without concern for the well-being of the other person. So many ladies would have accepted my proposal without worrying about my happiness at all. It makes me want to marry you more, to tell the truth—but I know it’s not the right thing for either one of us.”

“Wait, Lord Hennington,” Lavinia’s father said. “I implore you—don’t walk away from this. Let me have a word with my daughter. Why not do as my son suggested and come back tomorrow, after we have a chance to discuss matters as a family? I should have paid more attention to that idea. It was a good one.”

He sounded desperate. Lavinia would have felt sorry for him if she hadn’t been so concerned about how he would make her pay for all this once Lord Hennington was out of the house.

Lord Hennington shook his head. “This was not a good idea,” he said. “I rushed too much. I was too eager. I should have spent more time with Lady Lavinia first—I should have tried harder to make sure of her feelings. I’m sorry that I didn’t do that, Lady Lavinia.”

“I enjoyed the time we spent together,” Lavinia said. “That was real.”

Lord Hennington smiled. “So did I.”

“I hope you find what you’re looking for,” she told him. “I’m sorry that it wasn’t me.”

“We can’t always control these things,” he said. “But I hope you find happiness as well, Lady Lavinia, truly. You deserve it. And when you find the gentleman who is meant for you, I know he’ll be one of the luckiest men in the world.”

He rose to his feet, bowed, and left the room.

“You have a lot to answer for,” Lavinia’s father growled. “But right now, I don’t think I can even bear to look at you, Lavinia. Get out of my sight.”

Lavinia was only too happy to comply.

She would be scolded for what she had done later, and she knew it. She could feel her father’s fury filling the house, following her up the stairs to her room. But she had no regrets. She knew that she had done the right thing by being honest.

She wouldn’t have to spend the rest of her life lying to Lord Hennington now, and she wouldn’t have to deny the truth in her mind—that her heart belonged to the duke, even though she knew he could never belong to her.