Chapter 34

CHAPTER 34

“ S it up straight, Seth.”

“You’re not going to lecture me, Mother. Not on propriety, not on marriage—not on anything. If you even attempt it, this will be the last meal you and I take together for a very long time.

His mother’s jaw dropped. “I don’t know when you turned into this angry person.”

“You don’t? Truly? Why don’t you take a good look at yourself, Mother? Perhaps that will give you a clue as to where my anger is coming from.”

“Seth, whatever is the matter with you, don’t take it out on me. I’ve done nothing to you.”

“I’m not going to permit you to pretend that’s true any longer,” Seth said. “Everything that’s wrong is because of you. It all goes back to you, Mother—the way you and Father conducted yourselves in my youth. You’ve pressed me again and again for a conversation about why I choose not to marry—very well, we’ll have that conversation.

“I don’t think you’re going to enjoy it very much, but I’m tired of dodging you and imploring you to mind your own affairs. We’ll have the conversation you so badly want to have.”

“Don’t blame me for your lack of social skills,” his mother said.

“On the contrary, I have plenty of social skills.” He knew that to be true, if nothing else, by the way he had so successfully prepared Lady Lavinia for her own future. “I know exactly how to conduct myself among society. It’s you who has conducted yourself badly—remarkably so.”

“Say what you mean, then.”

“You must know without my having to explain it,” Seth said. “But all right, if you insist—I’m talking about the affairs. I’m talking about your lovers, and Father’s.”

His mother was momentarily silent. Seth was satisfied. They never spoke about this aspect of his childhood—about his parents’ lovers, constantly seen walking around the estate. It was an unspoken rule. Now Seth was breaking that rule, and he liked the fact that his mother was unprepared for it. He liked seeing her not knowing quite what to do.

Eventually, she spoke. “What happened between your father and I—that’s private, Seth.”

“It isn’t private,” he snorted. “You never bothered to keep it a secret from me. Did you think I was too foolish to figure out what was happening? Is that it? No—I know that’s not what you thought. You know me better than that. You just didn’t want to bother protecting me from seeing those things.”

“The important thing was that we kept our family business a secret from outsiders,” his mother told him. “The family’s reputation was never tarnished, because no one else ever knew.”

“That’s what you think the important thing is? What people outside the family knew? I suppose when you think of how it all affected me, all you feel is grateful that I didn’t tell people.”

“It wouldn’t have served you to tell anybody,” his mother said. “That wouldn’t have done your reputation any good. Is this why you’ve been so angry with me?” his mother questioned. “You’ve been thinking about these things all this time?”

“Of course I’ve been thinking about this. It was the most significant thing in my childhood, Mother. I grew up knowing that my parents didn’t care for one another. You don’t think that affects a young man?”

“It’s not as bad as you’re making it sound, you know,” his mother defended herself.

“I fail to see how.”

“We had a marriage of convenience. Such a thing is fairly common in marriages like ours.”

“Do you think that makes it better?” Seth was staggered. “Mother, you’ve been trying to convince me that a marriage of convenience would be good enough for me. Do you want me to take a wife, produce an heir with her, and spend the rest of my days seeking out extramarital lovers? I can’t do that. That’s not the sort of man I am. I’m not like Father.”

“Don’t be unkind to your father,” his mother chastised him. “There are plenty of gentlemen who would do as they liked without permitting their wives to do the same. I was fortunate. Your father gave me the freedom to bring men home to my bed.”

“Very fortunate.”

“You don’t need to speak like that. I wasn’t unhappy, Seth.”

“Well, you weren’t as happy as you ought to have been, I know that. If I was married, I would be devoted to my wife. I would care for her and put her needs and desires ahead of my own. I can’t imagine a marriage in which I hardly ever spoke to my wife—in which I spent more time with other ladies than I did with her, the way Father did to you.

“It disgusts me that you’re sitting here defending him. He doesn’t deserve it. And frankly, Mother, you’re not much better. I see the way you’re more concerned about appearances than you are with the effect all this had on your own son.

“I’m telling you I can’t bring myself to marry because of how it made me feel to watch your marriage to Father, and all you can say is that it doesn’t really matter because at least no one ever found out what was going on.

“You didn’t care about your own family. You only cared about avoiding scandal. And I think that’s the only reason you want me to marry now. It’s nothing to do with my happiness. You want an heir because you don’t want people to ask questions about why the dukedom doesn’t have one. That’s all.”

“I’d think you wouldn’t want those questions either,” his mother frowned. “It doesn’t make you look very good, you know.”

“Well, how I look isn’t what’s most important to me! I’ve never wanted a marriage like the one you had, Mother. The lesson you and Father taught me, whether you meant to or not, is that a marriage of convenience would be unbearable to me.”

“You don’t know how it would be for you,” his mother protested. “You’ve never experienced it.”

“I grew up surrounded by it. I was miserable. It staggers me to think, Mother, that you never noticed how unhappy I was as a child. That you didn’t place any importance on that at all. I always assumed that you would have changed things for me if you could, but now I see that I was wrong.

“All that mattered to you was that no one outside the family ever saw the way things truly were for us. Well, I’m glad you got what you wanted.” He rose to his feet. “I’m not going to indulge another moment of these conversations with you, though. It’s clear to me now that you have never wanted what was best for me.”

“I don’t know how you can say that, Seth,” she argued. “I’ve even gone so far as to ask around about suitable ladies looking for marriage. I have suggestions for you.”

“You knew I didn’t want you to do that.”

“Someone had to! I had a feeling you might change your mind about all of this, Seth—I was only ever trying to help you. Let me tell you who I’ve found for you.”

“I have no interest in that,” Seth said. “You see—in spite of all the ways your life has impacted me, Mother—you’re right. I have changed my mind.

“I’ve decided that marriage is worth pursuing after all. I’m not going to let your unhappiness with Father keep me from finding the happiness I believe I am capable of. But I’m not going to consider any of the ladies you say you’ve chosen for me. I’ve made my own choice.”

His mother looked hesitant. “Seth—I know this decision is up to you, but you can’t simply marry anyone you want, you know. You have responsibilities to think of. You need to consider this carefully, and I’m not sure you have. Perhaps we should talk about it.”

“Do you think I’m going to allow you to change my mind?” he asked her. “Truly, after everything you’ve done?”

“Just listen to me. Please.”

“No. I’ve made my decision,” he said. “And I don’t care to hear your opinion about it. I don’t need to know what you think of her—if you think she’s a suitable choice for me or not. In fact, knowing that you didn’t approve of my choice might make me more confident of it, because you know how I feel about your choices.

“The last thing I want is to end up in a situation like yours, Mother. I wasted years of my life afraid of marriage because I thought a marriage like yours was the only thing possible. I was so turned off by the idea that I almost passed up a chance at love when it found me.”

“Don’t tell me you’re considering marrying for love ,” his mother said disdainfully. “Even you ought to be smart enough to know, Seth, that such things never last. That isn’t real. It’s an illusion. It’s a myth.”

“There was a time when I would have believed that,” Seth said. “I don’t believe it now. I’ve felt love, Mother. I know that it’s real. I’m not going to pass it up just because you did.

“I’m not going to settle for a marriage of convenience now that I know the real thing exists, and I’m not going to deny myself the pleasure of being with the lady I love. I’m going to her now, and I’m going to let her know of my feelings.”

He felt a surge of satisfaction as he said it. There was relief in knowing that he had made up his mind about what to do—relief and pride in equal measure. And he also knew that Lady Lavinia was what he wanted, and now there was a chance that she might actually become his.

That was almost too good to believe, and yet it was truly happening. He was going to go to her. He was going to ask her to marry him.

And then he remembered what she had said to her brother.

She didn’t want to marry him. Those were her words. She wanted Lord Hennington. She chose Lord Hennington.

Well, I’m just going to have to hope she’ll consider changing her answer.

The only thing he knew for certain was that he wasn’t going to let this opportunity go to waste. He wasn’t going to stay here and do nothing while the lady he loved accepted a proposal of marriage to someone else.

Even if it meant he would be rejected, he had to go to her. He had to tell her that he had been wrong, that he wanted her after all. He had to make sure she knew that this was one of her options, because there was always a chance she would change her mind if she did.

And maybe she wouldn’t. Maybe he would come back here, humbled, with nothing to show for his efforts. If that was what happened, he knew that his mother would never let him hear the end of it. She would spend the rest of her days telling him that he should have listened to her, that he should have accepted the lady she had chosen for him rather than striking out and trying to make an arrangement on his own.

He would forever have to hear about how foolish he had been to believe that love might be real.

He could hardly believe that circumstances had led him here.

Even so, he was going to try. He was going to tell Lady Lavinia of his feelings.

It was the same thing she had said to him when she had asked for that final kiss. Even if it amounted to nothing at all, at least he would know he had done all he could.